TNA One Night Only: Joker's Wild 2 (taped 2/2/2014, aired 5/9/2014)- Birmingham, UK
JOKER’S WILD QUALIFYING MATCH: Chris Sabin & Gunner vs. The British Invasion- 5.25/10
Doug Williams got a good pop when he was announced. Match was decent.
Taz and Tenay spent the first few minutes of this match (which really didn't go that long) making a whole bunch of inside jokes about the British referee and wrestling animals or something. It was horribly annoying to listen to, and a perfect foreshadowing of things to come from those two tonight. For example, Taz said that he didn’t know that British people had cell phones. This was apparently supposed to be funny.
BAD INFLUENCE & BRO-MANS BACKSTAGE- Robbie E. is too stupid to understand the rules of the tournament. They argue with Bad Influence.
JOKER’S WILD QUALIFYING MATCH: Christopher Daniels & Robbie E. vs. Bad Bones & Samoa Joe- 2/10
When JB was about to announce Bad Bones’ tag team partner, Taz shouted “Good Bones!” This was the only funny thing either Taz or Tenay said on commentary all night… on a night when pretty much every other sentence out of their mouths was an attempt to be funny.
The match was short and dull.
At one point Taz said that Tenay jumping on him for a mistake he made caused him to feel “miserable.” Well, Taz, you’re sh*tty, mistake-riddled commentary makes me feel miserable, so that’s just karma.
TNA always puts together highlight packages after every match, and while normally I think that these things are too long and really feel more like a recap of things we have just seen in full (rather than a short, concise, video package of the actual highlights of the match), this one went the opposite way. All they had was shots of Joe hitting the Muscle Buster from three different angles.
GUNNER PROMO- not good. He came across as kind of whiny here. In case you were wondering what Gunner would do with $100,000, he says he would "buy a lot of food." Insert TNA paycheck joke here.
BRITISH INVASION PROMO- okay... except that Doug Williams called Magnus "Nick." This was not edited off the show.
SAM SHAW PROMO- good
JOKER’S WILD QUALIFYING MATCH: Rockstar Spud & Bully Ray vs. Mr. Anderson & Austin Aries- FUN/10!
We got some fun comedy with Bully & Spud before the match.. Then Anderson came out...+ and apparently the $15 price of these shows means that TNA is cutting back some of their effects budget, because Anderson had to bring his own normal, boring mic out with him instead of using The Force to call the other mic down from the ceiling.
Taz comments that "this is almost like a handicap match if you're Bully Ray." Tenay then kills the not-funny "joke" (if such a thing can even be done) by explaining that "just having Spud as your partner. That's the handicap." Normally when you explain a joke it makes it less funny, and the person telling the joke does not appreciate it. In this case, though, Taz laughed at Tenay's response as if Tenay had just made a joke of his own. I hate these two.
Tenay referred to Matt Hyson as "Spike Dudley" rather than under his TNA name, "Brother Runt."
All of that aside, this was a great comedy match. I can't remember having this much fun watching a TNA match in a long time.
JOKER’S WILD QUALIFYING MATCH: Beer Money vs. The Wolves- 6.75/10
On commentary, Taz and Tenay referred to this match as a “dream match.” About a minute in, they decided that they would ignore this dream match and talk about Taz’s announcing career. Because it’s not like they have a job to do or anything. And besides; why would anyone ever want to talk about a gem when there’s a cow pie around?
They make fun of Mike Adamle… and as bad as Adamle was, at least he seemed to be putting effort into his job (it was like a rabbit trying to move the Statue of Liberty, but at least he tried to do it)! These two, on the other hand, have been so consistently terrible for the past five years that they honestly don’t have the right to make fun of Mike Adamle. That is just how sick and tired I am of their horrible announcing. So much so that they no longer have the right to make fun of the worst announcer to ever disgrace a wrestling show.
Anyway, in typical TNA fashion, they realized that they had a dream match on their hands, so they put it on a half-price PPV with no build to it at all, no hype for it at all, and where it was just the first round of a stupid, pointless tournament. Then they gave it less than twelve minutes. Tenay, in his typical fashion, could not have sounded more bored when as he called the finish of this dream match and talked up how big a win it was for the Wolves.
A very underwhelming match, especially considering just how much potential was wasted here.
SPUD & BULLY BACKSTAGE- LOVED IT!
JOKER’S WILD QUALIFYING MATCH: Ethan Carter III & Eric Young vs. Kazarian & Curry Man - no rating. Good whacky comedy.
Kaz's look of disdain when he found out he was teaming with Curry Man was epic. Almost as epic as EC III's when he found out he was teaming with EY. EC III jumped EY after the match.
WOLVES PROMO- great
JOKER’S WILD QUALIFYING MATCH: DJ Zema Ion & Jessie Godderz vs. Samuel Shaw & Abyss- 3/10
Tenay claimed he knew who the last team was because there were only two guys left, but the big hopper Christy was operating had about ten envelopes still in it.
At one point Shaw randomly started to stalk Christy. Rather than run away from him, she decided to climb up on the apron and run to a corner of the ring and just stay there as Shaw approached. Christy Hemme is an idiot.
We have a ring full of heels, so Abyss randomly decides to be a babyface and make the save. The whole thing didn't matter to the match at all, though, because Shaw made Jessie tap out thirty seconds later.
EC III, SPUD, & MAGNUS BACKSTAGE- Dixie has apparently given them orders to ensure that “the right man wins.” This is, of course, a storyline from three months ago that is over and done with now as this is airing in May. It is, in fact, a perfect example, of why the original idea was for these shows to be booked in a way that would avoid doing things like this.
SIX WOMAN ELIMINATION TAG TEAM MATCH: Gail Kim, Lei’D Tapa, & Alpha Female vs. ODB, Madison Rayne, & Velvet Sky- DUD!
If you're only going to give them eight minutes, then why would you make it an elimination match. Why have five women get beaten when you only need to beat one? Or even better... why have this match at all instead of giving its time to Wolves vs. Beer Money?
Okay... I will admit that I laughed at Gail ordering Tapa to mock Velvet's entrance. I would like to point out for the record that this means that in just a few seconds and with no words, the Knockouts made me laugh just as much as Taz and Tenay did in TWO AND HALF HOURS OF ON-GOING COMMENTARY.
The big bad scary monster Alpha Female gets beaten after just a few moves... and that was with Chris Sabin helping her out by distracting Velvet, too. After beating her so much like this, I don't think TNA can bring her back as a monster (which is disappointing because they probably could use one, considering how badly Tapa turned out). Madison Ryane then got made to look like a goof and pinned by Tapa just mere seconds after Gail pinned Velvet... and the referee spent the entirety of the intervening thirty seconds arguing with Sabin and Velvet, so there is no way he could have seen a tag. This means that either TNA referees don't care about enforcing the rules at all, or have the memory of a goldfish (in which case it is surprising they can remember any of the rules... which makes a scary kind of sense). Gail decides to yell at Tapa for no reason, then breaks up Tapa's pin on ODB because she wants the pin.
ODB recovers and bumps into Tapa from behind, but Tapa thinks Gail did it. Gail slaps Tapa, so Tapa goozles her, then ODB comes in and rolls Gail up for the pin. Once again, NO TAG HAS BEEN MADE, and the referee was just counting pinfalls for Tapa less than a minute ago. Hell... Tapa hasn't even left the ring, so Gail wouldn't even be legal under Lucha Rules! Tapa gets ODB up for her finisher, but Gail kicks her in the face, allowing ODB to escape and hit Tapa with her own finisher for the pin.
JOKER’S WILD TOURNAMENT FINAL GAUNTLET MATCH FOR $100,000- 0.5/10
As the first two are about to come out, Tenay decides to tell us "I like this part of the gauntlet. I like this part. Finding out who the first two competitors are going to be." Umm... okay... that's... um... nice...I guess?
He follows it up with more of his trademark Mike Tenay Crappy Announcer Word Soup:
"Davey Richards does not draw a good number in terms of having the ability to come in later in the match and having to compete less time."
ANY other announcer would say something like "this is a tough draw for Davey Richards because he has to compete for more time," but Tenay has to throw in pointless, over-complicated phrases like "in terms of having the ability," which make him impossible to listen to.
Davey Richards and Eddie Edwards are the first two guys in. For some reason JB decided to not announce their last names. The ring fills up a bit, with the Wolves, Shaw, Spud, and Doug Williams. Then Abyss comes out and quickly eliminates the Wolves, making the guys who have clearly been set up as the future of TNA's tag team division look like chumps. Then he gets rid of Doug Williams, too. This set up a staredown between Abyss and Shaw. Yeah. Because that's something everyone wanted to see. Shaw is tossed soon thereafter.
After a quick comedic attempt at trying to toss Abyss, Spud is soon cornered and choked by the monster. Then Bully Ray's music plays and Tenay says "Now it gets even more interesting as the plot thickens." (*See stupid announcer quote #6 for this special double-whammy of stupidity.)
The sound of Bully's music causes Abyss to stop choking Spud, snap his head around to look at the camera, and then go stand in the middle of the ring to wait for Bully. They then have a staredown that would have been intense if there was any heat or build to it. It lasted way too long, and then got turned into a bunch of comedy spots with Spud. Then, just as they are about to start hitting each other, the camera cuts to Spud rolling around on the mat in pain, so we missed the moment that this whole staredown was meant to build to. FAIL!
Bully and Abyss take turns hitting a big move and posing, only to not realize that the other guy no-sold the move and got up right behind them. They then have another staredown, which turns into another comedy spot with Spud. The match continued with the crowd not giving a sh*t (even when Joe came out and started kicking everyone's ass) until Spud eliminated Bully. That got a bigger pop than the entrance of the first British-born World Heavyweight Champion in over a hundred years.
Magnus low-bridged Joe to eliminate him, then everyone ganged up on Abyss to take him out, leaving us with EC III, Magnus, and Spud against EY. They all ganged up on EY, but he managed to eliminate Spud with a low bridge, which got loud boos. EY won the crowd back with a double Samoan Drop, but was then quickly eliminated by Magnus, who was then eliminated by EC III.
Taz and Tenay talk up how big this is for EC because he beat a whole bunch of former World Heavyweight Champions. In doing so, Tenay refers to Magnus as "the current World Heavyweight Champion." So they didn't have anyone come out with their belts to ensure that this would not contradict the ongoing continuity when it aired... but they didn't bother editing out Tenay calling Magnus the current champ?
I am being very nice and giving this a 0.5/10 because the last minute or two were decent. If I was in a worse mood, I might have given it a dud. Either way, it sucked, just like this entire show. The matches were all way too short and most of them were bad. Aside from Wolves vs. Beer Money (which was such a missed opportunity), the best thing on this show (and also the only thing the crowd cared about aside from Wolves vs. Beer Money) was Rockstar Spud. Unfortunately, pretty much everything that they did with Spud was comedy, and when you add that to the EY/EC III vs. Kaz/Curry Man match and the stuff they did with Bro-Mans, it was just too much comedy. This was especially a problem in the main event, as it felt like the entire thing was an excuse to do a bunch of comedy spots with Spud.
Even with all of that, though, the worst thing on this show was the commentary, which made sitting through this show an absolutely miserable experience. The commentary was just atrocious. It was Taz and Tenay at their absolute worst. They just did not give a sh*t about this show, and it clearly showed… and yet somehow, despite having three months to do so, TNA did not ask them to rerecord the commentary, or at the very least have other people record commentary so that we could actually get a commentary track that didn’t make you hate the company for still employing these two sh*theads. Just listen to some of the commentary on this show. Can you imagine what would happen if JBL and Michael Cole did something like this? Do you think we would ever seen them back at the announcers' desk? Hell, I’m sure that ROH and DGUSA would fire a commentator for doing something like this. But TNA just lets them get away with this because TNA doesn't give a sh*t about their product.
Don’t BOlieve that? Just look at THE NAME OF THE F*CKING SHOW: Joker’s Wild. Those of us who are familiar with the rules of English know that “Joker’s Wild” means one of two things:
1. Someone (or something) named Joker has something called a “Wild”
2. Someone (or something) named Joker IS Wild.
What TNA probably meant to call the show was “Jokers Wild” with no apostrophe, meaning that the Jokers are wild (representing the whole randomness aspect of the night, and with a poker reference to signify winning money). This means that no one in TNA has a better grasp of English than the average third grader, or THEY DON’T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT THE PRODUCT TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY GET THE NAME OF THE F*CKING SHOW RIGHT!
I don’t see how this can possibly wind up not being the worst show of the year.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay refers to a scoop-lift into a vertical suplex as “a move that has gained him (Magnus) so many wins.”
NAME ONE! That isn’t now, nor has it ever been one of his finishers.
2. When Bad Bones was introduced, Taz decided that instead of putting him over, he would ask “who the hell is Bad Bones?” Of course, in Taz’s defense, that was exactly my reaction as well. Tenay, being a total idiot, responded “He’s representing Germany! Are you deaf?”
Clearly not, Mike, because he just repeated the man's name! And I love how Tenay answers to the question of “who is this guy?” by repeating his country of origin, as if this would help.
Taz then insisted that he was not deaf, but Tenay said:
3. “If you know he’s representing Germany, then you know about Bad Bones.”
No, Mike, we don’t. We know that he is “representing Germany,” but that really doesn’t tell us anything relevant. When someone asks “who is this guy” they expect an answer involving his years of experience, career highlights, where he has wrestled, who trained him, maybe some information on what style or styles he favors or what moves to watch out for. “He’s representing Germany” does not mean sh*t!
Tenay then went on to explain that he was a Gut Check winner with a “huge online following” who favors power moves and strikes. WELL WHY THE F*CK DIDN’T YOU JUST SAY SO?!
4. Tenay says that often, when you have a great tag team it is because the two wrestlers have contrasting styles.
Yeah. Like the Road Warriors, and the Andersons, and the Midnight Express, and the Rock N’ Roll Express, and the Steiner Brothers and the Dudleys and the Hardy Boyz and Edge & Christian…
I racked by brain and could honestly only come up with ONE all-time great tag team in which there was a contrast of styles: the British Bulldogs… and they were still very similar.
5. Tenay (in the beginning of the Gauntlet, when we found out that the Wolves would be the first two in)-
"Eddie Edwards and... and... and Davey Richards... against each other?" "It's part of that luck of the draw. Or maybe not so lucky part of the draw for the Wolves."
It's every man for himself! They would have to face each other anyway! And in their promo they said that they would have no problem fighting each other! I think they even said they would enjoy it! Did Tenay just not listen to their promo at all?
6. Tenay (as Bully enters the gauntlet) "Now it gets even more interesting as the plot thickens."
The expression "the plot thickens" MEANS that things are getting more interesting, so what Tenay actually said here is "things get interesting by getting more interesting" FIRE HIM NOW!
And, to make matters worse, the event that prompted this was Bully Ray entering the gauntlet. We knew this had to happen at some point, because that's how gauntlets work. Furthermore, he is about to interact with someone who we have no reason to think he will have an "interesting" interaction with! How does a predictable event with no anticipation for it whatsoever make things interesting in any way?
7. Tenay (about EC III)- "I had sort of calculated that he would be the last person out, just in terms of entitlement."
It's a RANDOM DRAW! What does entitlement have to do with it?! And even if wasn't random, why would the entrance order be based on entitlement?