FOOTAGE OF BOBBY ROODE JUMPING JAMES STORM IN A BAR- wow. That was much better quality video than what they posted on YouTube. After we see the footage, Tenay promises to “stay on top of this breaking story.” Stay on top of it? Roode jumped Storm. What more is there?
DIXIE & JOE BACKSTAGE- okay
DIXIE CARTER PROMO- She says that she has lawyers ready to ensure that AJ never benefits from her intellectual property ever again. Never once does she explain what AJ is doing that is illegal. I assume that her problem is that he is using the name “TNA World Heavyweight Title” to refer to his championship belt, but I’m not sure because never once does she explain this. The unauthorized use of TNA footage in the Friends of AJ commercials is once again completely ignored.
Then James Storm comes out (looking none the worse for wear despite being attacked last night… so what was the point of the attack?) and complains that his Bull Rope match against Bobby Roode, which already has no disqualifications is apparently not no disqualifications-y enough for him and he demands a “Florida Deathmatch” which I assume is contested by sitting in rocking chairs staring at each other across the lobby of the retirement home until someone actually dies.
Dixie does not want to change the match from what her Raw Roulette Rip-off™ wheel has chosen… so James Storm threatens to call the cops and have Bobby Roode arrested (thus cancelling the match) if Dixie doesn’t comply with his wishes. WTF is up with this heel sh*t? And doesn’t he know that a bullrope match is already no DQ’s? He also threatens to withdraw from the TNA World Heavyweight Title tournament if he doesn’t get his way. Then he asks politely like true Southern Gentleman would, which actually made me laugh. Because he asked politely and promised not to call the cops, Dixie gives him his match. So the whole purpose of this was so that they could change a randomly generated stipulation match to another random stipulation match?
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH: Samoa Joe vs. Magnus- 4/10 (based on what I saw. The stuff during the commercial looked good, though)
Christy Hemme didn’t even say the word “match.” She just said “the following is the falls count anywhere.” She didn’t mention that it was part of the TNA World Heavyweight Title tournament at all. I just watched Eva Marie suck at ring announcing , but at least she remembered to give the damn stipulation!
Magnus comes out to the ring, but rather than come out to the ring to face Magnus, Joe just cuts a promo demanding that Mangus come backstage to fight him, because Joe is really f*cking lazy and doesn’t feel like walking out to the ring… and of course the previous talking segment was so important that it causes us to go to have to go to commercial as soon as the action starts here on Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. To really rub salt in the wound, the snippets of what went on during the commercial that they showed us when we came back seemed really cool.
The finish, on the other hand, looked lame. Joe was just going way too slow. Rather than putting Magnus over, the first thing that Mike Tenay said was “it’s almost like Samoa Joe just beat himself.” In other words, rather than saying “both men are great but Magnus was a bit better” Tenay said “Joe is a goof who knocked himself out and Magnus just got lucky.” Way to put the wrestlers over, Mike.
BAD INFLUENCE PROMO- they waste time cutting a promo telling us they will be sitting at ringside for this match.
JOSEPH PARK vs. ABYSS- no rating, bad segment
They kept hyping this up as this was the first time Joseph and Abyss had ever been in the same place at the same time. The problem is that this isn’t true because Abyss interfered in Joseph’s first ever match, which was at Slammiversary 2012.
Abyss doesn’t show, so Kaz calls Joseph “fatty,” and some of the fans also decided to chant “fatty” at our babyface hero. Daniels then cuts a promo on Joseph and after a lot of taunting, says that Joseph can’t beat him up unless he has been bleeding… at which point Kaz dumped a bucket of blood on Joseph’s head. Instead of Abyssing up, though, Joseph started using telekinesis and throwing them around and burned the new Impact Zone to the ground.
Whoops. Sorry. That was Carrie.
Nope. Daniels just berates Joseph for being a waste of space while Joseph cries and walks away. Your babyface, ladies and gentlemen: Walking off and crying instead of standing up to the bullies.
GAIL KIM’S OPEN CHALLENGE-
Remember how TNA made a big deal a few years ago about ODB and Jackie Moore not getting any music and not coming out from backstage because they weren’t under contract? Well apparently that has been completely ignored. I would complain about this, but I am too excited because Gail’s opponent was CANDICE LERAE!
CANDICE LERAE vs. GAIL KIM (w/Lei’D Tapa)- 1.5/10
At one point Taz comments that a bit of Candice’s “inexperience” is showing through. This showed that not only is Taz a bad color commentator because he didn’t point out how this supposed inexperience was showing through, but also that he is a bad color commentator because he did not bother to do any research at all on Candice’s career. If he had, he would have learned that she has been wrestling for OVER TEN YEARS.
Gail and Candice put on about as good a match as they possibly could have in the time they were given.
MR. ANDERSON PROMO- good
He says that Aces & Eights “should have been done a long time ago.” Truer words have never been spoken.
JAMES STORM & GUNNER BACKSTAGE- good. It showed that they are still friends even though their tag team is over, which is something that rarely happens in TNA.
For the third week in a row, they lie about a big match being “up next.” This is such a simple thing to do right, and yet they completely fail at it.
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND FLORIDA DEATHMATCH: James Storm vs. Bobby Roode- 7.5/10
This was a Last Man Standing match. At one point Taz asks “what number is the referee up to now?” which shows you how much attention he is paying.
Apparently they randomly keep barbed wire boards under the ring on Impact. Taz and Tenay tried to tell us that using this barbed wire board was “going too far” and “crossing the line” in this Florida DEATHmatch.
Anyway, I usually don’t like Last Man Standing matches, but I was really enjoying this one until the finish, which saw Gunner throw the towel in for James Storm. When we got back from commercial they showed some aftermath of this with Gunner and Storm arguing about this, which was very good. Taz then claimed that taking a move onto a barbed wire board could end Storm’s career. We’ve all seen people take bumps like that more than enough times to know that that it isn’t true.
CHRISTY HEMME VISITS SAM SHAW’S HOUSE- Christy referred to Shaw as an “up and coming Impact Wrestling superstar.” Don’t you have to actually be on the show to be an “Impact Wrestling superstar?” He asks Christy to call him “Samuel” and walks her into a room that appears to have just one couch, a glass writing stand, and blank white walls. He then shows Christy his “art book” which is series of pictures he has drawn. Isn’t there a more professional artsy name for this, like a “portfolio” or something? Anyway, apparently the purpose of this was to... um... I have no idea what the purpose of this was.
Christy then says “cool place,” at which pointed I screamed “YOU’VE ONLY BEEN IN ONE F*CKING ROOM AND ALL IT HAS IN IT IS A F*CKING COUCH!” Christy then thanks the viewer for joining them “where the action never ends.” If the action never stops, why are we sitting here looking through this jabroni’s scrapbook instead of WATCHING WRESTLING MATCHES?!
Wait... silly BRM thought that the segment was over, but apparently they decided to keep broadcasting afterwards, so we got to see Sam Shaw ask Christy out on a date. Christy writes her number down for him, and after she leaves, Shaw rearranges the pen and pad of paper like he has OCD. I was so intrigued by this that I started playing games on my phone.
SEGMENT WITH THREE DORKS I COMPLETELY DO NOT RECOGNIZE-
Oh. Okay. Its EC III, Dewey Barnes, & Norv Furnam. Well that shows you how big of a star EC III is.
KNUX SCARES JB OFF SO BROOKE CAN INTERVIEW BULLY- Bully cuts a lame promo.
KURT ANGLE PROMO- good
EC III vs. SHARK BOY- 2/10
EC III cut a pre-match promo telling us that he was facing a “returning TNA legend” which completely eliminates any reason for having done the segment before with him, Barnes, and Furnam. When Shark Boy’s music hit, Tenay was surprised that Shark Boy was returning to the company, which means that he doesn’t watch TNA 365… and if the lead announcer doesn’t care enough to watch it, why should anyone?
We finally get an announcement about Genesis. It will be in Huntsville, AL on January 16th... which I can't help but notice is a Thursday night and not a Sunday. Is it not a Pay-Per-View anymore?
ANGLE, ROODE, & DIXIE BACKSTAGE- Dixie announces that next week’s main event will be a ripoff of Survivor Series. Are they TRYING to look fourth-rate?
NO DISQUALIFICATION CLUB VS. CAREER MATCH: Mr. Anderson vs. Bully Ray (w/Brooke Tessmacher)- 6.75/10
A bunch of the members of the roster show up to watch from the stage because everyone is so interested in seeing Aces & Eights disband. Where the hell were all of these f*ckers when Sting or Jeff Hardy needed them back in the Spring? More importantly, where were they IN THIS MATCH when Knux interfered?
Anyway, Taz gave Brooke the hammer and she went to throw it to Bully, but threw it WAY over Bully’s head. Anderson caught it, hit Bully with it, and got the win. Afterwards we get some babyfaces coming over to intimidate Taz into taking his cut off because the fact that they are disbanded apparently means that Taz can’t even wear their gear anymore.
In the ring, this was the best Impact in a very long time, and it wasn't even that bad outside of the ring, either. A good show from TNA.