OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE- umm… did they just show us clips of a match that hasn’t happened yet? Or was this some other Kurt Angle vs. Bobby Roode cage match? The rest of it was good.
TEAM DIXIE BACKSTAGE- They are talking with a lawyer. The purpose of this was to tell us that someone has been setting on a corporate hostile takeover of TNA… but they don’t know who. I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to buy stock anonymously, so why not just check the company records?
Seriously, if they are so dumb that they can’t think of a way to find out who the investor is, I might as well send them the following letter:
Dear TNA Wrestling,
I am the secret investor. Seeing as how you have acceded to my other directives, such as signing the American Wolves, I am now sending you this second set of directives:
1. Jesse Godderz will be fired. The money you were paying him will now be used to pay off my student loans.
2. Rehire Cheerleader Melissa
3. Every Sunday, I expect Brooke Tessmacher at my house to sexually service me in any way I please. It’s not like you guys are using her on TV or anything. (And before anyone tells me off for this, remember that back in 2010, Daffney was given the ultimatum to strip or get fired, so why can’t this work?)
4. Make a Pure Title
The Secret Investor
If they are dumb enough to not be able to find out who the investor is, they are dumb enough to believe this.
Dixie points out that they purposely chose to call the board meeting on a day where everyone knew she would be at the TV tapings. So what? Your headquarters are either in Nashville or Orlando, right? And you can’t fly from Alabama to either of those places and back in one day? Did you buy your plane directly from the Wright Brothers or something? And it doesn’t seem to have been much of a problem because you’re here now, aren’t you Dixie?
The mysterious investor(s) is apparently very interested in wrestling operations, and has asked for someone to be in Sting’s corner tonight. Magnus gets upset about this, then decides that they should change the title match to be No Countouts, No DQ’s.
I really hated this segment. It was only about four minutes, but it felt like it dragged on forever, and the lawyer seemed to be there just for the purpose of getting into a conflict with Magnus and Spud. He also did a terrible job of explaining the corporate politics of what was going on, because I was extremely confused.
Tenay then recaps everything we just heard, because he is the most obnoxious announcer ever. And he didn’t just say it, he said “we’ve got to review everything that just happened in the back,” as if this pointless recap was necessary, lest we all forget what we saw LESS THAN TEN SECONDS AGO.
OPENING IN-RING SEGMENT- decent, aside from the terrible internal logic.
Magnus, Spud, & EC III come out… so six seconds ago they couldn’t find EC III, but now they found him?
And hmm… the people in the front row are the exact same as last week, and they have the exact same signs and are all wearing the exact same clothes… but everyone is saying that this is one week after last week’s show. The only logical kayfabe conclusion I can come to is that these people have some form of OCD that requires them to all wear the same clothes every Thursday and always sit in the same seats.
Magnus says that Sting is politicking. Sting responds by coming out and, in an accusatory tone, says “So now you’re ready to honor a deal?” This would be the same Sting who, seven months ago, lost a match for which one of the stipulations was that, if he lost, he would never be able to challenge for the TNA World Heavyweight Title again. The same Sting who is challenging for that very title tonight. And he has the gall to call someone else out for breaking a deal?
Sting accuses Magnus of “trading honor for greed.” This would be the same Sting that is going back on his word about never again challenging for the title in order to try to win that same title.
Sting calls Magnus a “paper champion” and the fans start chanting it. This was good, except for the fact that, as Magnus pointed out earlier in this segment, he beat Sting cleanly at BFG, so even if Magnus is a paper champion, he can still beat Sting clean.
Magnus eventually slaps Sting, but Sting no-sells it and starts beating Magnus up until EC III and Spud attack Sting. Sting gets beaten down until Joe comes out and makes the save. Sting then announces that Joe will be in his corner tonight. Okay… except that JUST TWO WEEKS AGO… AJ had a ton of people in the locker room to watch his back, and ALL OF THEM aside from Sting got beaten up so badly that they couldn’t help him.
DIXIE CARTER & MAGNUS BACKSTAGE- bad.
Apparently Spud also doesn’t remember the evil plan from two weeks ago, because he runs to find Dixie and says (paraphrasing) “Joe will be in Sting’s corner! Oh no! What are going to do?!” Dixie replies that they will make sure that Joe isn’t physically able to be in Sting’s corner, and to do so, she books him in a match against Spud. Yeah. Spud. So either Dixie is so dumb that she thinks Spud has a chance in hell of taking Joe out, or she has a secret plan that she isn’t letting spud in on because… um…
BRIEFCASE ON A POLE MATCH FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE FEAST-OR-FIRED BRIEFCASE: Gunner(c) vs. James Storm- 4/10
They fight for a few minutes before going into false finishes. Storm did a super hurricanrana… sort of. He his second leg got caught under Gunner’s arm, but it looked good and the physics involved still made sense, to that was cool. As Storm is grabbing the briefcase, Gunner comes up under him and gives him an electric chair suplex, causing the briefcase to go flying. Gunner eventually gets it, winning the match. Storm seems angry, thinking that he had full possession of the briefcase.
KURT ANGLE PROMO- stupid
He says that if he can’t beat Bobby Roode, he doesn’t deserve to be in the Hall of Fame. So are we just supposed to forget that Kurt HAS beaten Roode before. In THE MAIN EVENT OF BOUND FOR GLORY 2011! (And don’t tell me that Kurt meant beat him cleanly, because if that were the case, 1) he would have said it, and 2) he wouldn’t be so upset about losing to Bobby at Final Resolution because Bobby cheated during that match).
And even if we are supposed to forget about the main event of their biggest show of the year, this is still idiotic because really: WHO THE F*CK IS BOBBY ROODE?! Kurt has beaten Hulk Hogan, Sting, The Undertaker, Shawn Michael, The Rock, Steve Austin, John Cena, Randy Orton, Hiroshi Tanahashi, Triple H, Yuji Nagata, Rob Van Dam, Edge, Booker T, AJ Styles, Jeff Jarrett, Jeff Hardy, Samoa Joe, and BROCK F*CKING LESNAR! And he says that not being able to beat Bobby Roode means he isn’t worthy of induction into the Hall of Fame?
We then got a recap of last week’s segment between Aries, Velvet, and Sabin, and at least this time they were smart enough to edit out the part where Velvet randomly became a gold-digger.
VELVET SKY PROMO- she opens a package she got in the mail from Sabin. It is a letter apologizing for his behavior recently, a teddy bear, and… what I really hope is some sort of lead pipe or thermos or something, because if that thing is the size of dildo that Velvet uses, Scott Steiner could fist her and she wouldn’t even feel it.)
TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH WITH VELVET SKY IN A CAGE AT RINGSIDE: Chris Sabin(c) vs. Austin Aries- 4.75/10
Remember how happy I was that TNA edited Velvet being a gold-digger out of that video package? Well Tenay decides to bring it up here. Thanks, Mike. Meanwhile Taz, the heel, is the one who is saying that love will conquer all.
They switch the title back YET AGAIN. Velvet did nothing at all, which was stupid. These guys did about as good a job as they could in the short time they were given, though, so props to them for that.
WOLVES THAT HAPPEN TO BE FROM AMERICA PROMO-
They cut some good sound-byte promos while talking themselves up and saying that the new investor will show up next week in Glasgow, while words flashed quickly on the screen. I thought that part was cool until I realized that the words that were flashing were just “Dixie Carter” and “#that’s obvious” and “new investor” and other things they were saying, at which point it kind of annoyed me. Other than that, looking at this objectively, it was awesome. The problem is that, for me, I just want to see Davey and Eddie WRESTLE.
STEEL CAGE MATCH IN WHICH, IN KURT LOSES, HE CAN NEVER GO INTO THE TNA HALL OF FAME: Kurt Angle vs. Bobby Roode- 7.75/10
The moonsault spot made no sense to me. Kurt is in this to BEAT Roode because he wants to prove something to himself. Not to hurt him because he hates him or something like that. This isn’t a blood feud. So why would Kurt give up a definite win just to hit a high-risk move?
EC III & SPUD BACKSTAGE- stupid and pointless. This is the dumb “heels doing goofy sh*t backstage” that TNA loves so much. Why would you not give this time to Aries vs. Sabin or Storm vs. Gunner? Also, EC III totally buried British Bootcamp by saying that he didn’t watch it.
BRO-MANS & ZEMA ION IN THE RING-Ion was good. The other two annoyed me. Apparently they are feuding with EY and Joseph now because EY and Joseph are getting a title shot next week… for no reason. EY charges out to fight them alone and he gets beaten down until Abyss (not Joseph, but actually Abyss) makes the save. Abyss almost chokeslams EY, too, to tease the fact that Abyss might lose control and cost them the tag titles. Good build to next week… I guess.
SAMOA JOE PROMO- F*CKING AMAZING! An early Promo of the Year candidate.
AN INTERVIEW WITH KURT TO HYPE UP STING’S TITLLE VS. CAREER MATCH- decent.
ROCKSTAR SPUD vs. SAMOA JOE- no rating, fun squash.
Spud’s music has that “Royal Trumpets” type of thing going in the beginning. I LOVE IT! Joe’s pop was pathetically small.
The match itself was a fun squash, but I think it would have been better for Joe to just slap Spud hard in the face, have Spud take a giant bump from it, and have that be the finish.
Joe cut a great promo after the match. No one attacked him or anything… meaning that Dixie and Co. were so stupid that they thought Spud would actually be able to take Joe out.
NO DQ’S, NO COUNT-OUTS TITLE VS. CONTRACT MATCH FOR THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: Magnus(c) vs. Sting (w/Samoa Joe)- 4/10
This turned into the exact same thing as the AJ match, except Kurt comes out to help, too, so rather than two guys beating up nine heels, you have three babyfaces beating up six heels, which is much more reasonable, but still dumb. Roode is apparently back to using the Northern Lariat. Hooray!
Once again we have Dixie dragging Earl Hebner out to help and forcing him to reluctantly count, because the loyalties of the referee are so f*cking important. Magnus wins, so Sting is now gone from TNA. Maybe he’ll show up in ROH like AJ did.
Not a good shoe from TNA, but at least the Roode-Angle match and Joe promo were on here. Go watch the Joe promo.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Taz decides to remind us that “the case isn’t the important thing. It’s the contents that are important.”
A. No sh*t, Sherlock.
B. Because I am offended that Taz thought the viewer might be stupid enough to need reminding of this point, I will point out that Taz’s statement is technically incorrect. Christy told us that in order to win this match, you need to have “sole possession of the briefcase.” Therefore, if the contents of the briefcase were to fall out during the match, and one guy got the briefcase but the other guy got the contents, the guy got the briefcase would actually win the match (and thus win the contents).
2. Previously in the Briefcase on a pole match, Taz had decided to explain to us the strategy of beating the other guy down first so that he can’t stop you from going for it. An extremely obvious thing, but, but you really can’t fault him for saying it. What you can fault is Mike Tenay’s need to explain to us that Gunner and Storm hitting each other was “part of the weakening process. The beatdown strategy.” Here’s an idea, Mike: Why don’t you just call the match instead of pretending that the viewers are all mentally retarded?
3. Tenay refers to Aries’ Last Chancery finisher as “that bridging submission.” The LEAD ANNOUNCER does not know the name of the finisher of a FORMER WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! WHY IS HE STILL EMPLOYED?!