WWE Hell in a Cell 2013 (10/27/2013)- Miami, FL
TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE WWE TAG TEAM TITLES: Cody Rhodes & Goldust(c) vs. Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns vs. The Usos- 7.25/10
Was it spotty? Yeah. But it still told a good story and really got the crowd going.
MIZ & THE WYATTS SEGMENT- Miz says he is not medically cleared to compete tonight, so he calls out Bray Wyatt to fight him. Surprisingly, no one from WWE management tries to stop him from instigating a fight, despite the fact that he isn’t cleared to compete.
Wyatt cuts a promo from the Tron, then Rowan and Harper jump Miz from behind. They beat him down until KANE returns to a huge pop to make the save. He gets the best of both heels, but then gives Miz a chokeslam because… well… he’s Kane and he’s pissed off.
MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: Summer Rae & Fandango vs. The Great Khali & Natalya (w/Hornswoggle)- 3/10
Here is a list of wrestlers under contract to WWE who are not injured and that did not have match or in-ring segment on this PPV:
Dolph Ziggler, William Regal, Tyson Kidd, Justin Gabriel, Evan Bourne, Curt Hawkins, Drew McIntyre, the Prime Time Players, Wade Barrett, R-Truth, Tensai, Santino Marella, Zack Ryder, Yoshi Tatsu Jinder Mahal… and the entirety of the NXT roster.
Instead, we got The Great Khali (yes, it is rant time).
I have no idea why WWE continues to employ this man. He has been in the company for over six years now, and has not improved at all. He still can’t speak English, so his promos aren’t helpful, either. The only thing he has going for him is his size, except that the way he has been booked (pretty much as a jobber) just makes his presence on the show a detriment to all of the other big men on the roster.
If he is a draw with kids, that is easily replaceable, and if he is a draw India (and I don’t really see how much a draw he could be considering he is rarely on the show), then only use him on the show when you are in India. To put him out there on a PPV… to ask people to PAY MONEY to see him wrestle, is just criminal. At this point, Khali is literally nothing but a giant waste of space and money. He needs to go.
THE PANEL SPEAKS-Yeah… Kaitlyn should not be allowed near a mic without a very strict script. She also called the dancing during and before the previous match “raunchy,” so I’m sure that she really knows what that word means. R-Truth and Ziggler actually manage to put something over, because they actually know what they are doing. While this whole thing was going on, there were some loud, passionate, dueling chants from the crowd, but I couldn’t make out what it was they were cheering for and against. All I know is that it was passionate, and it seemed a hell of a lot more interesting than anything the panel could possibly say.
WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: Dean Ambrose(c) vs. Big E. Langston- 4.75/10
Langston wins by countout, but he hits Ambrose with the Big Ending after the match, and holds up the US Title.
HANDICAP HELL IN A CELL MATCH: CM Punk vs. Paul Heyman & Ryback- 7/10
Before the match, Heyman cut a long and extravagant promo during which he declared himself to be Satan. I’m pretty sure that this angle has already been done in Ring of Glory, in the only clip from that promotion that anyone has ever seen. He rides to the ring on a giant lifting device and uses it to climb to the top of the cell so he can hide from Punk, essentially giving us Punk vs. Ryback one-on-one.
The match was very good, but nothing blow-away.
After the match, Punk scaled the cage (bringing a Kendo Stick with him) and beat the crap out of Heyman. This definitely felt like a big moment that they had been building to for months.
DANIEL BRYAN PROMO- good
LOS MATADORES (w/El Torito) vs. THE REAL AMERICANS (w/Zeb Coulter)- 4.25/10
Okay, Miami crowd, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t boo vociferously when Zeb Coulter alleges that the babyfaces are illegal immigrants, then all stand up and shout “WE THE PEOPLE!”
JBL says that everyone knows that the only masked man that ever wasn’t a criminal was the Lone Ranger. Cole immediately counters by spouting off numerous examples, including Batman and Zorro (both of whom are debatably criminal, from the government’s point of view), Green Lantern, and Green Arrow. Somehow both Cole and Lawler fail to counter JBL’s point by bringing up the man sitting no more than ten feet from them: Rey Mysterio Jr.
JBL was also completely unwilling to accept that El Torito can change his suit, and thus this black El Torito (whom he dubbed “El Torito Negro”) must be a different person than the original. In my favorite moment of the PPV, Cole counters this point by telling JBL “you once had black hair and a big black mustache.”
The match itself was a basically a standard Raw match, but Los Matadores didn’t even get the win with their finisher. The heels get a bit of post-match humiliation as well.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Alberto Del Rio(c) vs. John Cena- 8/10
Huge pop for Cena, as expected. Lots of great near-taps in here. I loved the match, but hated the result for two reasons. Most importantly, I think Dragon needs more time to be established as a top-tier babyface, and having Cena around will only hinder that by overshadowing him.
Secondly, there is just so much more potential here in a Cena loss. We’ve seen Cena win already. Many people will tell you that we’ve seen him win too much. What he haven’t seen is “Super” Cena having to deal with the fact that he isn’t quite as indestructible as he thought.
I would have booked it like this:
Have Del Rio make Cena tap, and keep the hold on afterwards (you can even have the ref reverse the decision and give Cena the DQ win if you really want). Have it reported that Cena’s arm wasn’t as healed as everyone thought and Del Rio did serious damage to it, and Cena will miss a lot more time.
Have Del Rio spend months going around bragging about being the guy who finally put John Cena out for good. When Royal Rumble rolls around, you either have Cena hop the barricade and cost Del Rio the title (or if he has already lost it, have Cena eliminate him from the Rumble). Cena wants to face him put the authority says that Cena could be risking serious injury and that is bad for business, so they try to prevent the match and bar Cena from WWE events, but eventually have Cena find some way to force them to give him the match, setting up Cena vs. Del Rio for Wrestlemania.
THE PANEL SPEAKS AGAIN- Truth and Ziggler put over Cena. Kaitlyn tries to put over the Divas Title match, but accidentally implies that the cast of Total Divas are not “the WWE Divas” in the locker room.
WWE DIVAS TITLE MATCH: AJ Lee(c) (w/Tamina Snuka) vs. Brie Bella (w/Nikki Bella)-3.5/10
If they want to get the Calgary Crab over as Brie’s new finisher, she needs to actually finish someone with it.
HELL IN A CELL MATCH FOR THE VACANT WWE TITLE: Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan- 7/10
Oh. Look at that. A screwjob that EVERYONE SAW COMING. Randy and Dragon did the best they could, but I’m sure they knew that no one would care about the match because the real focus was on what Shawn would do, rather than what they were doing.
If you are going to do a screwjob like this, at least do SOMETHING new. Have Dragon kick out after the Sweet Chin Music, and beat up HBK a bit before getting taken down by the combination of HBK, Orton, and Hunter... and then have Big Show hop the barricade and tear the door off of the cell to make the save before he and Dragon are finally overwhelmed by Triple H, Orton, HBK, and the Shield. Show violating his restraining order is used to keep him off of TV for a while (because him running in on every show gets boring after a while), so that he can come back at an important moment. This would also open up a spot in the top of the card to help Dragon face the McMahons.
Overall, an okay show from the WWE. The good stuff was pretty good, (though the main event was disappointing), and the rest of the show pretty much sucked.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. (while Cena has Del Rio in the STFU and Del Rio is reaching for the ropes):
Cole: Two fingers on the rope!
Lawler: Does that count?
Are you telling me that Jerry Lawler, with his decades of in-ring experiences and a few more decades as a commentator, does not know one of the basic rules of professional wrestling?