Lucha Underground S04E06: Break The Machine
By Big Red Machine
From July 18, 2018
Break The Machine
I turn on the show, and the first thing I hear is Matt Striker asking of "'The Machine' Cage can finally get his Doctor Doom-esque Robotic grip on the title."
DOCTOR DOOM IS NOT A ROBOT!
Saying that Doctor Doom is a robot is like saying that Matt Striker is a competent professional wrestling announcer. I can see how some studio executive who knows nothing about the subject matter might see him once and make that assumption, but anyone with any knowledge of the subject knows that it's not even close to being true.
WINNER GETS AN ANCIENT AZTEC MEDALLION:
Dezmond X vs. Paul London (w/the Rabbit Tribe) - 3.25/10
London is wearing a black tuxedo and top hat instead of his usual white one, but he's still making his usual odd movements- albeit slightly toned down. Somehow, from this, Striker and Vampiro are able to glean that he is now darker and evil and stuff, despite having no knowledge of what they did last week (maybe Vamp has some information channel and he knows but Striker certainly doesn't.
They had a short, nothing-happening match, but I was okay with that in this spot. Dezmond's win came by roll-up so it didn't make London look weak, but I still would have preferred for London to win simply because last week's events have clearly marked a change within him and were designed to show a different side of him, so having him lose seems counter-productive.
GIFT OF THE GODS MEDALLION-PLACING CEREMONY - As if to mock my brain-fart from last week, Mr. Cueto seemed to make a point of emphasizing the E in "The Mack," to ensure that I never even confuse his spelling for that of "The Urban German" Da Mack.
Once everyone had put their medallions in, Mr. Cueto announced that there would now be a battle royale between the seven of them, and the winner would get to choose one person to be kicked out of the match.
BATTLE ROYALE FOR THE RIGHT TO KICK SOMEONE OUT OF THE GIFT OF THE GODS TITLE MATCH:
Ivelisse vs. Dezmond X vs. Son of Havoc vs. The Mack vs. El Dragon Azteca Jr. vs. King Cuerno vs. Mil Muertes (w/Catrina) - no rating, okay segment.
This was extremely short, with all of the eliminations also being... contrived isn't the right word, but it very much felt like watching a choreographed play. The last two were The Mack and Son of Havoc, so Son of Havoc volunteered to eliminate himself via diving onto the pile making The Mack the winner. The Mack then chose Mil Muertes to not be in next week's match because "The Mack would like to say that he's afraid of no man... but Mil Muertes, you scare the sh*t out of me." Mil Muertes was angry about this and beat everyone up on the outside.
VIBORA (w/Kobra Moon) vs. JOHNNY MUNDO (w/Taya) - 6.75/10
This feud is magical. Everything about it feels so campy, and yet everyone involved plays it seriously, and thus it makes me take it seriously. That campiness contributes to things like ref bumps not feeling as frustrating and stuff like no one noticing Drago climbing the ropes to be in perfect position to intercept Johnny's chairshot at Vibroa with a missile dropkick start to feel... "believable" isn't quite the right word, but like something that is supposed to be part of the fun.
JACK EVANS SPIES ON X.O. LISHUS' TRAINING ROUTINE THROUGH A PEEPHOLE - Jack has decided that he must learn Lishus' secrets in order to be able to avenge his "embarrassing" defeat a few weeks ago. Ricky Mundo shows up with his creepy doll and asks Jack what he is doing, to which Jack responds "watching my enemy's every move" like this was the most obvious thing in the world.
Ricky confronts Jack over not helping them against the Reptile Tribe last week, resulting in Ricky getting an ass-kicking. Jack told Ricky that he already told them that he "doesn't do snakes" and that Johnny Mundo said it was okay for him to "sit this one out." Jack walks away, and Ricky tells the doll that he doesn't like Jack. The doll responds by suggesting that Ricky "do to him what you did to Angelico," to which Ricky says "I couldn't. Plus, Johnny wouldn't be happy." The doll then responded "who is in charge of your life? Johnny or you."
OH MY F*CKING G-D RICKY MUNDO MURDERED ANGELICO AND HE'S GOING TO MURDER JACK EVANS!
LUCHA UNDERGROUND TITLE MATCH:
Pentagon Dark(c) vs. Matt Striker - 4.75/10
I had to mute this match due to already being fed up with Matt Striker. You would be better off putting a horse on commentary than Matt Striker. Sure it doesn't understand wrestling and doesn't speak any human language and would sh*t on the floor uncontrollably, but that's still better than having Matt Striker on commentary.
The match itself was a meh brawl that ended in Piledriver overkill. Less than twenty seconds after taking two Canadian Destroyers and then Pentagon Dark's Package Piledriver for the finish, Cage was back on his feet again and trying to attack Pentagon Dark. Pentagon Dark thwarted the attack and went to break Cage's arm but he couldn't. Cage powered out and hit Pentagon Dark with a move onto the belt. Cage then posed with the belt and told Pentagon Dark that his arms are unbreakable because he's not a man, he's a machine.
This was so backwards and dumb it was infuriating. This thing would have been a great angle to do BEFORE the title match, not right after it! At this point, while Cage might be a machine with unbreakable arms, he also still lost in seven minutes, so who cares? Are these two now going to continue their feud with the title not on the line and everything being focused around Pentagon Dark trying to find a way to break Cage's arm?
A mixed bag show from Lucha Underground. While the undercard is shaping up relatively nicely and WWU vs. Reptile Tribe is entertaining and oodles of fun, they seem to have no idea where they're going with the Lucha Underground Championship, and the tag belts all but feel like they're on ice right now. Hopefully they start showing some sort of real direction soon.