We start off with Bischoff and Schiavone standing around with no desk in their beachwear, which consists of polo shirts and khakis. That and their terrible hair combines to make them look like total dorks. Bill Watts shows up to put over various matches and announces that Paul E. Dangerously and Madusa have both been barred from ringside for the Ironman Match.
WCW WORLD LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH:
Flyin' Brian(c) vs. Scott Flamingo- 7.75/10
This was the first fully Watts-booked PPV, and despite Ross and Ventura constantly reminding us of the new rules, these guys didn't feel limited at all and had a GREAT opener. Pillman worked the arm, Scotty cheated constantly, and they built to a very big finish.
MISS WCW CONTEST PART 1 - This was an "evening gown" contest, but Madusa seems to have confused that with a wedding dress. Therefore, BRM hereby awards this round to Missy Hyatt via disqualification.
THE TAYLOR-MADE MAN vs. RON SIMMONS - 5.25/10
Ron Simmons was presented with the key to city in Tallahassee, Florida earlier today. Being an excellent heel, Jesse Ventura asked "what does that really get you? Does it unlock the vault in the bank?"
They had some problems with phantom contact early on, but it got pretty decent by the end.
JIM ROSS INTERVIEWS RON SIMMONS - Great babyface promo by Simmons.
GREG VALENTINE vs. MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL - 6/10
They did a very good job with the limited time they had, with Valentine working over Bagwell's knee and Bagwell selling it very well and being an excellent valiant babyface.
FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE ON THE GULF COAST:
Sting vs. Cactus Jack - 6.75/10
So does "Falls Count Anywhere on the Gulf Coast" mean that you have to pin the guy on a beach? Or does it simply have to be in a Gulf Coast state, even if you get the pinfall all the way in the westernmost point of Texas?
This was a fun brawl that made good use of the stipulations.
30 MINUTE IRONMAN CHALLENGE:
Rick Rude vs. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat - 8.75/10
Like with Miss Elizabeth, if you take Bonnie Steamboat out of the 1980s hair she looks much more attractive. I guess between this and the earlier comments about Bischoff and Schiavone, what I'm really trying to say is that 1980s fashions are a blight on human history.
They did a wonderful job telling all of their stories: Rude working the head and neck, Steamboat working Rude's ribs, the rigor involved in wrestling a thirty-minute match with no breaks, Rude's cheating, and Rude's desperation at the end when Steamboat went ahead with thirty seconds left. Take all of that, then throw in outstanding babyface vs. heel dynamics and the single best "reverse your Tombstone Piledriver into my own Tombstone Piledriver" spot ever, and you've got one hell of an epic wrestling encounter.
MISS WCW CONTEST PART 2 - This was billed as the "swimsuit competition," but part three is supposed to be a "bikini contest," so I'm really not sure if that means that bikinis are allowed in this part or not. Missy wore one but Madusa did not. I'm leaning more towards allowing them, though, and I swear Missy Hyatt's appearance here had nothing to do with that. Missy won the live crowd vote, but we at home were encouraged to call their 900 number to cast our votes as well.
SIX-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH WITH OLE ANDERSON AS SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE:
Barry Windham, Dustin Rhodes, & Nikita Koloff vs. The Dangerous Alliance (Steve Austin, Arn Anderson, & Bobby Eaton) (w/Paul E. Dangerously) - 6.75/10
Didn't this feud end with War Games last month?
On commentary, Jim Ross assured that the people- including "sportswriters"- who have criticized the new rules "just don't understand." I'd love to know what Jim's private thoughts were after seeing the finish of this match, which was a perfect example of the "coming off the top rope is a DQ" rule killing a match in a situation where it should have heated it up. What happened was things broke down into a big brawl, and the legal man Barry Windham hit the other legal man Steve Austin with his famous superplex and floated over into the cover beautifully, but Arn Anderson then came off the top rope with a flying knee to break up the pin... and what felt like a big, exciting move caused the match to end in a disappointing DQ.
ERIC BISCHOFF INTERVIEWS RICKY STEAMBOAT - Good. Steamboat cuts a babyface promo and talks about how he has proved to Rude that he is the true ironman and he wants a shot at Rude's US Title. Paul Heyman showed up and insisted that Steamboat would never receive another title shot. Then Cactus Jack snuck up from behind and pulled Steamboat off the stage the interview was being conducted on and attacked him.
MISS WCW CONTEST PART THREE - This was the "itsy bitsy teeny bikini" part of the contest. Madusa came out in her bikini, but Missy claimed that hers was stolen by the Dangerous Alliance. She stuck her arm out of the little tent they had set up for her and snatched the scarves Jesse Ventura was wearing, tied those together, and came out.
Johnny B. Badd declares Missy to be the winner, which seems rather premature to me because they haven't even counted the new phone-in votes yet. Madusa was also upset about this so she dragged Johnny B. Badd into her tent to try to beat him up or something, but he came out holding her bikini top. Realizing that Madusa was topless, Jesse Ventura ran into her tend to perv on her. He then stuck his head out and declared Madusa to be the winner. Ross told us voting was still open. This whole thing was your usual waste of time and had your usual problems, which were only exacerbated by Ventura's actions at the end.
WCW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH:
The Steiner Brothers(c) vs. "Dr. Death" Steve Williams & Terry Gordy - 6/10
This was an awesome mix of pro and amateur stuff between four badasses... except that once the heels took control, we didn't really get to see much of the badass stuff. It was just heat and heat and heat and heat and the heat just kept going and we didn't get anything that even resembled a comeback until Rick made a hot tag with one minute left in the time limit, and we wound up going to a draw that made it feel like the match never really went anywhere.
A decent show from WCW, despite the top two matches winding up being very disappointing. Up until that point everything had been solid or better, with Steamboat vs. Rude really standing out as something special, and even the finish of the semi-main would have likely been forgotten if the main event had delivered. In the end, though, this felt a lot more like a Clash of the Champions that it did a PPV, with the tag title match going to a draw and the world champion and US champion both wrestling in non-title matches, the announcers spending their time putting over the idea of Sting vs. Vader more than anything having to do with Cactus, and Steamboat being set up for two different angles with his title win and then the Cactus attack. Nothing was bad (other than the bikini contest), but a lot of the outcomes just didn't feel important enough for a PPV.