Kickoff Match, US Championship Open Challenge
Bobby Roode (C) vs ...Mojo Rawley - 4/10
Ugh, Mojo Rawley of all people. Roode won with a crappy DDT. This was the only pre-show match I cared about checking out for the TBA, but meh.
2-on-1 Handicap WWE Championship Match
Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn vs AJ Styles (C) - 5/10
Owens and Zatn doing this tag team style, which I don't like since only one person can be legal to go for the pin, and it works for a co-champion, but I've never been fan of co-champions, especially when legally won.
From the get go the story is that Owens is avoiding Styles, so he constantly tags Sami Zayn, and only attacks Styles when he has a clear open, I thought it was gonna lead to something, but it was just to show that Owens and Zayn were gonna tag in a lot. Eventually the numbers game started to get to Styles, but he made a comeback immediatly and almost submitted Owens with the Calf Crusher. Fans started chanting this is awesome, so i'm guessing they're showing a replay of Gargano vs Almas on the tron. AJ just won with a roll up counter to the pop-up powerbomb. Meh match really, normal Smackdown wrestling. "Performance of a lifetime" are not words I would use to describe this match.
They're pretending like Zayn never made that last tag to Owens, but the ref wasn't looking anyway.
Owens and Zayn argue with Shane McMahon - Talking about the same thing I just saw. Shane ignores the blatant bad referring.
2-out-of-3 Falls Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match
Shelton Benjamin and Chad Gable vs The Usos (C) - 4.5/10
Hip Hop Guerrillas of Destiny cut a promo before the match about preparing for two brothers who have nothing to lose...except the titles, right? They're on the line, right? Anyway, early in the match Corey Graves was asked about plans for this type of match because he has experience, of which he does have, he has had 3 2-out-of-3 falls matches in his now over career, his record is 1-1-1. I don't know if i'd follow his recommendations.
First round of the match saw Benjamin and Gable work on one of the Usos legs and cut the ring with him (aren't the Usos the heels?). World's Greatest American Alpha dominated for a long while, they came close to getting the first pin, then Usos made a comeback and did the same story with the 'wrong Uso', but only for a near fall. Eventually both Usos teamed up and superkicked Gable for the 1st pin. This was a long 1st fall.
Second fall started with WGAA taking out an Uso outside the ring with the Doomsday Powerbomb and when they were gonna kill the other, Uso #2 just rolled up Benjamin. Are you fucking kidding me? World's Greatest American Geeks. I could be watching NJPW's second night in Sapporo right now....
Men's Royal Rumble - 5/10
WHAT!? Men's rumble is now? So that means two things, the finish of this one will be shit and they don't want to end the show with the people shitting on the show (AKA Reigns may win) AND/OR two, Ronda Rousey is closing the show. Oh and 3rd, I can stop paying attention to the show early on and watch Impact Wrestling instead!
Ok, let's do this.
1st in is Jerry Lawler...just kidding, he's the special commentary, so we get a 4-man table. Kill me now.
- 1st person is actually Mutherfucking RUSEV! Super over!
- 2nd person is Finn Balor, also over, no demon attire.
- 3rd person is Rhyno. meh, fans still chant ECW.
- 4th person is Baron Corbin. He lost some hair running down the ramp. They're hyping him since he one the ARMBAR and eliminated Strowman last year. He eliminated Rhyno and was immediately eliminated by Balor. He dragged both men outside the ring and took them out.
- As refs are trying to get Corbin to the back, Heath Slater is #5 and gets killed by Corbin.
- #6 is Elias, who makes sense since he had to get time to do his fucking shtick. I could be cooking tomorrow's lunch right now.
- 7th man in is the NXT Champion, Andrade Cien Almas, HUUUGE ovation. He kicked Slater on his way down. Corey Graves tried to say 'Tranquilo' and it made me cry.
- 8th man to the ring is Bray Wyatt. He killed Slater too. Balor and Wyatt re-ignited their feud. Rusev Day chants still going strong.
- #9 is in, Big E. He gave pancakes to Slater. If this was an RPG, that would be -1d20 intelligence.
- 10th is still 10th, Tye Dillinger...but we get a cut of the backstage of Owens and Zayn killing Dillinger. Zayn is entering the Rumble. Owens made a face of 'hey, I wanna go'.
- 11th is Sheamus, who is coming out BEFORE his tag team title match and broke the elimination record by Heath Slater. Wyatt then killed Slater and tossed him over. WASTE OF SPOT! UUGGH! Rusev Day chants going strong, time for an audible?
- 12 was Xavier Woods, so now we have a tag team in the rumble.
- 13 is Apollo Crews. Irrelevancy hovers over the ring. Nothing is happening and we got tons of geeks in the ring.
- Here he is, #14 is Nakamura. He came in and killed everyone. Over as hell. He eliminated Sami Zayn, making that storyline irrelevant and wasting Dillinger's entrance, that would at least get the fans going.
- #15 is Cesaro, again coming in BEFORE his tag team match! WHY!?
- 16 is Kofi Kingston, all New Day is inside now. Crews at this point was eliminated by Cesaro, who is likely the new feud for The Bar after tonight.
- 17 is Jinder Mahal. This is his first rumble. There was probably a reason for that. Xavier Woods was eliminated and then Big E, both by Jinder.
- 18 is BURN IT DOWN Seth Rollins, with Adam Bomb attire. Why are these people getting in a rumble before their tag team championship match!? Who booked this !? Rollins eliminated Cesaro. At this point we got the stupid Kofi Kingston spot, with Kofi landing a head on Woods and then a plate of pancakes. He's just jumping on one foot. This is bullshit. He eliminated Jinder. Almas then eliminated Kofi. People pay for this?
- Number 19 is the remnants of an amazing gimmick, now called Woken Matt Hardy. Hardy and Wyatt worked together to eliminate Rusev. I Fucking Hate This. They eliminated each other.
- 20th is BRAPADOOO. He gets in there and everyone attacks him, he's the top guy after all, but then like 1 second later they all go to other corners and Cena eliminates Elias.
- 21st is The Hurricane, so this kinda tells me that he will indeed be the Cruisweigth GM. Also, have I mentioned I hate Michael Cole. He was gonna chokeslam Cena, but Cena just eliminated him instead. I could be watching paint dry right now.
- 22nd is Aiden English, who is completely irrelevant without Rusev, why is he even here at all?
- 23rd is Adam Cole. HUGE OVATION. All taped up. English was eliminated by Balor at this point. Cole and Almas went at each other.
- 24th is the Snek Randy Orton. He killed Cole and eliminated Almas. I was expecting Nakamura going straight for him and nothing.
- Titus O'Neil.....siiigh
- 26 is The Miz.
- 27th is Rey Mysterio. Big pop, wearing old school tights. He's in great shape. He eliminated Adam Cole and jumped around a lot. They should have kept Sombra for this spot. Zero hindsight in this company.
- 28th is Roman Reigns, boos left to right. He killed everyone and let me remind you that Nakamura, Cena, Balor, Orton, and Mysterio are all still in. He goes for Miz and have a really slow fight. He eliminates O'Neil and as he is going to eliminate Miz, the MizTourage save him and now The Shield get together to eliminated Miz via powerbomb. And the Reings eliminates Rollins. They laugh it off. Fuck This Company.
- 29th is ....walks away...Goldust. Of all 205Live, Goldust was the one in.
- 30th is Dolph Fucking Ziggler. Dolph Fucking Ziggler. DOLPH FUCKING ZIGGLER! AARRGGHH. Ziggler came in and beat the shit out of Cena and Orton, he eliminated Goldust and then was eliminated by Balor. I could be sitting quietly in the dark right now.
Match is now new school vs old school. Balor/Reigns/Nak vs Cena/Orton/Rey. Old school hit their finishers on the new school and then Orton was eliminated by no sell Reigns. Mysterio hit the 619 on both Cena and Reigns just to be eliminated by Balor. Cena/Balor/Nak/Reigns are left. Everyone turn and look at the sign, ok, now you can get to the match again.
We got 'You both suck' chants as Cena and Reigns face each other and so Cena starts shouting at Nak and Balor to attack them. Balor and Nak got a good chance to fight uninterrupted until 'You Both Suck' attacked them again. Balor kicked everyone's ass and you know what that means, he is next to be eliminated by Cena. Cena and Reigns teamed up against Nak, so that kinda tells you who is winning. Nak eliminates Cena.
Nak vs Reigns are the final two. Reigns during the fight got Nakamura from outside the ring into a powerbomb position and decided to powerbombed him inside instead of the outside like he did with Miz. That was dumb. Nakamura eliminates Reigns. Incredibly meh match. Nakamura is not posing with the WM sign, Vince must be going crazy.
Rene Young interviews Nakamura - What a way to kill this celebration. She asks if he has made a decision, he made a decision in the 2 minutes he was jumping around. He's going for AJ Styles as expected. The match that the WWE has wanted since star ratings became popular.
GMs Talk - I love that Shane and Dragon celebrate, like if Nak vs AJ was going to main event WM anyway. Also, Dragon is dressed as shit.
KFC Colonel Rumble - WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS AND WHY ARE WE FORCED TO WATCH THIS!? At least Ric Flair won.
RAW Tag Team Championship Match
Seth Rollins and Jason Jordan vs The Bar - 4.5/10
The only relevant thing here is that Booker is talking nonsense and Corey Graves is pissing him off by calling him out on that nonsense. Match was Rollins as babyface in peril since he was in the rumble the most. At one point Jordan was thrown head first into the ring post, and so they're playing it out as having a concussion, so when he gets the hot tag, he immediately tags right back out, just for The Bar to kill Rollins and regain the titles.
This match confirmed a huge flaw in having two Rumbles in the same show. There NEEDS to be an intermission after the first one, it's incredibly hard to care about a match right after a Rumble match.
Universal Championship Match
Brock Lesnar (C) w/Paul Heyman vs Braun Strowman vs Kane - 4/10
Lesnar is the longest reigning active champion. WWE is all about keywords. Also, what's up with fans trying to talk along with Heyman, it's not like it's always a catchphrase and people just try to follow what he says. God dammit people.
Early in the match Strowman hit a direct knee to Lesnar's face and you could tell he got pissed off because Lesnar came straight with a punch to Strowman's face that made him wobble. The match as expected was a destruction derby, broken tables and stair shots early on. This was just a clusterfuck of finishers and broken pins. Lesnar put both men through the announcer's tables. Kane killed Strowman with chairshots and was enough to get rid of him while Lesnar finished Kane and pinned him for the win. Crap match, is this really what people clamor about?
Post-match - Strowman got back to his feat. Ugh, just let it go.
Women's Royal Rumble - 6.5/10
I can't believe I'm doing this again. This obviously started with Stephanie McMahon talking and that fake emotion segment a while back. The video also counted down all the women in the roster, why didn't they do this nice listing of the male roster? Am I making history too for reviewing my first ever women's rumble? they also said that the winner will challenge whatever champion they choose, so that means that we may actually get Charlotte vs Ronda. Steph, Alexa, and Charlotte all come out to be ringside, Steph is the only one on commentary.
Cole: She [Steph] is one of the trailblazers, she won't tell you, but she IS one of the trailblazers. FUCKK!!!
- #1 is Sasha Banks. I really hope Maria Menonus doesn't do intro for all 30 entrants. Sasha is making history just by being the first entrant.
- #2 is Becky Lynch, who is also making history for being the first person to come in on the 2nd position.
- #3 is Sarah Logan to the ovation of...none. She's making history as the first ever person to come in for the 3rd position.
- 4th is Mandy Rose. She's making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 4 position.
- 5th is Lita. Finally the crowd wakes up. Sasha and Becky try to double team her but Lita just kicks everyone's ass. Lita has gotten sloppy, but she did eliminate Mandy Rose. Lita is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 5 position.
- #6 is Kairi Sane! Someone that actually makes me get excited! She hit the elbow during her entry, so don't expect her to stay for long, but at least until Asuka gets in for sure. Kairi immediately became the best wrestler best seller in there. Sane is the first ever Japanese born wrestler in the rumble and is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 6 position.
- 7th is Tamina. At this point Lita started killing everyone, almost killing herself too with the moonsault. Lita eliminated Tamina, but Becky eliminated Lita. If Trish is gonna be here tonight, they really wasted doing Horsewomen vs Lita/Trish. Tamina, with all her suckiness, is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 7 position.
- 8th is Dana Brooke and the crowd goes mild, but she did eliminate Kairi Sane and that DID get a reaction. Another wasted opportunity losing Sane. Dana is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 8 position.
- 9th is Torrie Wilson, which let me guess, they saw her during RAW25 and realized she's freaking hot and decided to bring her in. Torrie eliminated Dana. Torrie is ALSO making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 27 position.
- 10th is Sonya Deville. Wasted opportunity to have Dillinger. Just kidding, but that would have been a better reaction. She eliminated Torrie, which was probably for the best, Torrie was botchy. Deville put her hair up and is now making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 10 position.
- 11th is Liv Morgan wearing raccoon eyes. I'm starting to hear boos, not at Liv though. Morgan steals my heart as she makes history as the first ever person to come in for the 11th position.
- 12th is Molly Holly, another return, people pretend to remember how awesome she used to be. She immediately eliminated Logan, so there goes the only trio that could be build. Good for Molly making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 12 position.
- #13 is NO WAY JOSE! Oh, that's Lana's song. Rusev Day chants going strong! Lana was getting bullied by Deville and Morgan, so she got pissed off and brought the fight, but she's not good on 2-on-1 situations. Lana is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 13 position.
- #14 Michelle McCool. Undertaker chants going strong. She came in and kicked the poor defenseless Lana before eliminated Morgan and Deville. Eliminated Molly Holly and Lana. McCool is currently the record holder for most eliminations in a single rumble AND overall rumbles. She is also making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 14 position.
- Ruby Riott is number 15. Finally an entrant that looks legit. She came in and saved McCool and got paid by McCool trying to eliminate her. Stephanie McMahon sucks at commentary, she hasn't mentioned how Ruby is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 15 position.
- #16 is Vicky Guerrero. I know we're doing nostalgia tonight, but there are far better options than her. She's gonna lose her voice. She should have introduced Shaul Guerrero instead. Imagine, both Vicky and Shaul could be making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 16 position WITH a personal announcer.
- #17 is Carmella. Vicky takes her out during her entrance. She is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 17 position that actually didn't make it to the ring before the next entrant.
- Number 18 is Natalya. Before she could enter, Carmella came back to life and took her out, so scratch that record that Carmella got during her entrance. Natalya is now the second ever person to not make it in to the ring before the next number and is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 18 position.
- Kelly Kelly is #19. It was botchy. At this point Natalya eliminated McCool. Kelly Kelly is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 19 position.
- 20th is Naomi going all Taguchi on everyone. Becky was both eliminated at this point by Riott. Naomi made history as the first ever person to come in for the number 20 position.
- Miss Jackeline is #21. They used her entrance to brag about how Steph won the women's title from her. Miss Jackie is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 21 position.
- 22nd is Nia Jax. She's not like other girls, she eliminated Jackie and Kelly Kelly straight up. Ruby tries to fight her off and Nia eliminates her. Naomi was next, but she did the Kofi Kingston spot, all at the same time. Barricade, chair, walking with her hands, she comes in the ring just to be eliminated by Nia. She, yes, you figured it out, she is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 22 position.
- 23rd is Ember Moon, banged up. She brings it to Nia Jax pretty good, but she only has one arm. Ember is the first champion to enter a rumble, and is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 23 position.
- 24th is Beth Phoenix, which is a nice face off with Nia Jax. She is the first person to participate in both a men and women's royal rumble, and she is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 24 position. Natalya is there, DIVAS OF DOOM REUNION!! Natty eliminates Beth.
- 25th is Asuka. Finally a true contender. We got another Asuka vs Ember match up that ended with Ember going over the top rope. Asuka is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 25 position.
- Mickie James is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 26 position.
- 27th is Nikki Bella. She got a good pop. Nikki is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 27 position. She got some John Cena Sucks chants and did a little posing at Charlotte. She also eliminated Carmella.
- Next one is Brie Mode, out of retirement, she got YES chants and came to save Nikki. Brie, just like her sister, is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 28 position.
- 29th entrant is Bayley. Kinda feels like a waste eliminating Becky so early instead of getting all Horsewomen there, since you know, Women's Revolution and all. Bayley at least didn't suck at making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 29 position.
- Finally, #30. Trish Stratus. Remember what I said about Lita? At least we're getting Trish and Mickie James in there. Trish is wearing Steph's dominatrix attire. Trish comes in and kills everyone. Trish and MJ did get it off, no vagina grabbing this time. Trish eliminated MJ. She is making history as the first ever person to come in for the number 30th position.
Sorry for all those records, but history is being made tonight!
At this point Nia came back and did the roar on everyone, but everyone got together to eliminate Nia. Fans actually booed at this. Sasha eliminated Bayley like nothing. Trish eliminated Natalya. Sasha eliminated Trish, but turned her back to Asuka, they hint joining each other vs the Bellas, but Sasha turns on Asuka and all 3 attack Asuka. The Bellas eliminated Sasha, and now the final 3 are Asuka vs The Bellas.
Asuka straight up kicked their asses. Nikki turned on Brie and eliminated her when she thought she had Asuka ready. Asuka just got up and killed Nikki. It's a terrible idea to have the favorite to win vs a somewhat retired wrestler at this point and still have them go a few minutes. At this point everyone knew it was Asuka and just a matter of time. Nikki came close, but Asuka just kicked Nikki's foot off as they were fighting in the apron. Kinda lackluster spot.
This wasn't a big of a headache as the men's rumble, but because this really felt like a nostalgia rumble like the New Japan Rumble.
Stephanie McMahon was a lot more quiet than I expected tonight, she would only come in with commentary when he had to drop some corporate lingo or some trivia that she spent all weekend memorizing from wikipedia.
Post-match - Both Alexa and Charlotte come into the ring. Asuka teases wanting both titles, and then Ronda Rousey appears as scheduled. Steph is speechless. Way to take away the thunder from the 1st ever Women's Royal Rumble winner. Ronda points at the WM sign and wants to shake Asuka's hand, but Asuka slaps it off, that took Ronda's stupid grin off for a bit. She then got in Steph's face, offered a hand shake. Ronda has a lot of charisma without talking.
Great angle, but in completely the wrong time. They celebrate the first ever women's rumble, by putting ALL the focus on a person that wasn't even in it. Both champs and Asuka were an after thought. It wasn't as bad as Ellsworth winning the first MITB, but close.
Well this show was shit. Women's rumble was ok.