Ultima Lucha DOS - Pt. 1
UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY TOURNAMENT SEMI-FINAL FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH: The Mack vs. Cage- 3/10
This match wasn’t originally supposed to be Falls Count Anywhere, but Dario came out and added the stip just for the sake of the callback to last year’s Ultima Lucha. To be honest, I think that was for the best, as I really don’t enjoy either of these guys outside of a “hit other people with things” environment.
They did, indeed, hit each other with things and it all looked great… until The Mack decided to go get some pinatas that were being stored backstage. Striker tried to justify their presence by saying they were for the “after party” (because that’s totally what happens after a huge wrestling event. All of the guys that were trying to kill each other on the show all get together and have a big party). Of course, one of these pinatas was filled with metal things for no other reason than to have a pinata filled with metal things for the “surprise” of it, even though we all saw it coming a mile away because we’ve all seen this a million times before. This is exactly the sort of sh*t that needs to not happen anywhere ever. Even when they’re not in the promotion, the Young Bucks’ influence still manages to ruin things.
There’s also beer in there, so The Mack smashes two cans together above his head, drinks what comes down, and then kicks Cage in the gut and goes for the Stunner because he’s not a real wrestler; just a child in a grown-up’s body getting the chance to play Stone Cold Steve Austin on TV. Ah. Now they’re back to being serious. Wait, no, now we’re back to playing wrestler.
Thirteen minutes into the show and we’ve seen hard metal objects to the head, broken glass, and a f*cking balcony dive… and all of that got kicked out of. Then they did a f*cking ROLL-UP FINISH. I don’t care if a callback to last year’s finish. It’s impossible for me to care about a roll-up when it comes a mere sixty seconds after a BALCONY DIVE. People whine about WWE’s agents restricting moves, but Brian Cage is exactly the sort of wrestler who needs an agent putting together his matches for him. I doubt I will see worse psychology in any match this year outside of BOLA (and without Ciampa in the promotion anymore we all know the match worse than this one is still going to be a Brian Cage match).
UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY TOURNAMENT BOYLE HEIGHTS BAR FIGHT SEMI-FINAL MATCH: El Texano Jr. vs. Son of Havoc- No rating.
Yeah… this was also supposed to be a regular match, but Dario comes out and says that when he sees a biker and a cowboy he thinks of a bar, so therefore this will be a “Boyle Heights Bar Fight” and they’ve got this stupid bar set-up at ringside. This is SOOOO stupid. Pointless gimmicks for idiotic reasons. What’s the point of any of…
OH SH*T I JUST FIGURED IT ALL OUT!
You remember that shadowy mysterious boss guy that Councilman Delgado told Dario was coming to The Temple soon and Dario was very afraid of? It’s Vince Russo (and dear G-d I really do hope that turns out to be a joke and not a correct prediction).
Anyway, they brawl on the outside and then into a room, which is exactly what happened in the last match. Son of Havoc emerges from the room carrying a fire extinguisher and wearing a fireman’s hat… and unlike the last match, I’m going to give this one a pass because the fireman’s hat had a big visor on it which seems like it will do a great job of protecting Son of Havoc’s eyes from any shards of glass that are sent flying when one of these guys inevitably smashes the other with one of the glasses or glass bottles at the bar.
See! I was right. And the helmet protected his head, too.
Anyway, El Texano Jr. takes a bunch of scary bumps onto sharp objects and the stupid PWG Lucha Underground fans respond with comedy, chanting “WE RECYCLE!” F*ck off.
This was the first time I’ve ever been uncomfortable watching Lucha Underground and the really the first time I’ve been uncomfortable watching wrestling in a very long time. It’s been quite a while since I watched deathmatches, but even then I could usually dismiss it as idiots slicing up their own foreheads and backs. It’s stupid and dangerous, but no one thing they do looks like it could be fatal (assuming nothing catches an artery). This, though… Texano easily could have wound up with large chunks of glass or wood puncturing vital organs at two different points during this match. Maybe they were props and the magic of the theater got to me, but regardless of whether or not the danger was real, I thought it was, and that made it almost impossible for me to enjoy this match.
UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY TOURNAMENT FINAL FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH: Son of Havoc vs. The Mack- 1/10
Dario came out and made this match Falls Count Anywhere as well. He didn’t even bother trying to come up with a reason this time. It’s a Falls Count Anywhere match now, so they do, like, two spots on the outside, then get back in the ring and just take turns trying to do flips onto each other. After what I saw people getting hit with weapons and almost impaled with chair legs all night? This sucked.
WHAT IS SON OF HAVOC’S UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY?- He gets a choice between $250,000, or a Lucha Underground Title shot at Ultima Lucha III. Son of Havoc picks the title shot, so of course Dario f*cks him over, telling him that he will only get it if he wins one more match tonight. If he loses, not only will he not get the title shot, but his opponent will walk away with the $250,000.
MATCH WITH STIPS THAT I JUST OUTLINED ABOVE: Son of Havoc vs. Dr. Wagner Jr. (w/Famous B & Brenda)- 0.5/10
They went, like, three minutes. Son of Havoc gets screwed… and do you know what? I don’t even care. It feels like they’re trying to kill stipulations on purpose. I get that Dario’s gimmick that he is going to try to screw you, either via double-edged sword like what happened to Drago or by some sort of thing like this, and yes, expecting to get screwed makes me less upset when they inevitably screw us on the stips… but it also means that I stop giving a sh*t about whatever the reward is in the first place, so I’m not excited at all for the matches.
I hated this show for a number of reasons. Obvious there was the pointless hardcore matches with dumb comedy, poor psychology, and disturbingly dangerous bumps, regular matches with crappy wrestling, and we got screwed on the stip in the end, but the thing that bothered me the most was that this show didn't feel in any way like Ultima Lucha. It was a self-contained, one-night tournament for unknown stipulations that turned out to not even matter in the end anyway, so what the f*ck was even the point of it? Why did I spend an hour of my life watching it? This was supposed ULTIMA LUCHA! With storylines that have been built up all year coming to a head and big plot twists and revelations and such. Instead I got... nothing. Worse than nothing. I got an hour of my time wasted, and in a way that kills much of my interest in the rest of the show, because who knows if any of the stips will matter or not.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Striker tells us that Son of Havoc “started off the perennial underdog. Couldn’t catch a break; couldn’t win a match.”
He actually won his very first LU match, despite his opponent jumping him from behind.
2. Striker would later say that Havoc was celebrating “with the believers that have been there with him since day one.”
He came into the promotion as a heel and Striker would always talk about how much the fans hated him!