By Big Red Machine
From May 18, 2016
Crime & Punishment
CAGE & DARIO IN DARIO’S OFFICE- Cage is pissed that Chavo stole his medallion and is now hiding from him. Dario says that Cage had better do something quick because once someone puts the medallion in the belt, they are officially in the match, and medallion ceremony is going to kick off the show. Dario suggests that Cage come with him to the ring.
MEDALLION CEREMONY- GREAT!
Dario calls all the medallion-holders out one at a time to put their medallion into the belt and then walk to the back. Dario was hilarious here. My favorite part was when Sinestro de la Muerte left, Dario simply said “spooky.” When Sinestro de la Muerte came out, Striker made sure to point out Catrina’s absence. Among other great moments was him mocking Sexy Star’s ridiculous name, calling her “Sexy Strong Star Woman,” which feels like the vague outline of the role the creators were looking for rather than giving the character an actual name or backstory, which is exactly how Sexy Star comes across.
Obviously, the last one out was Chavo, who also came out with a chair in hand… and Dario encouraged Chavo and Cage to “fight it out!” while he himself ran away so as not to get caught up in the carnage. Cage got the best of Chavo and got the bag the medallion is kept in… except that sneaky Chavo had put a decoy in the bag and had taped the rea medallion to a chair which he hit Cage with and then put the real medallion into the belt to claim the final spot in the match. Cage laid Chavo out afterwards. One assumes that Cage will screw Chavo out of the belt later tonight to build this feud up for Ultima Lucha.
ARGENIS vs. DAGA vs. KOBRA MOON vs. MASCARITA SAGRADA (w/Famous B & Brenda)- 3.75/10
Famous B insisted on doing the introduction for Mascarita Sagrada. He plugged his hotline. He was great and is definitely getting over.
They did stuff. That double-submission that Daga did took so long to set up that the whole thing looked completely 100% phony. The finish saw Kobra Moon nail Mascarita Sagrada with her finisher but then just let Daga get the pin. That was weird.
MARTY THE MOTH & KILLSHOT BACKSTAGE- apparently they’re wrestling tonight. Marty is a dick so Killshot kicks his ass. I thought the audio effects totally killed what would have been an otherwise good segment. Too corny. The camera angles, on the other hand, I thought were really good. This finished with Marty lying on the floor and he seemed to be… laughing with rage, if that makes any sense. It was quite weird, but then again so is Marty.
MARTY “THE MOTH” MARTINEZ vs. KILLSHOT- 6.25/10
After the match Marty assaulted Killshot and stole his dog tags. That was a good angle, but if that is what you were going to do after the match, I probably would have had Killshot win with a roll-up instead of putting Marty down with his finisher.
SEVEN-WAY MATCH TO CROWN A NEW LUCHA UNDERGROUND GIFT OF THE GODS CHAMPION: Sexy Star vs. Joey Ryan vs. El Texano Jr. vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. Sinestro de la Muerte vs. Aerostar- 6.75/10
El Texano Jr. is wearing new gear that looks a little goofy on him. I think the short black trunks were a MUCH better look for him than this colorful, blue and red singlet. He looked like a rip-off of early Kurt Angle.
The action was fine but I really didn’t like the finish. Yes, they explained it adequately at the end, but it still felt like a bullsh*t Vince Russo finish. The only way I can see this playing out in a satisfying manner is if the match at Ultima Lucha winds up being Cage defending the Gift of the Gods Championship against the six people he just screwed here in this match (or possibly the six of them and Chavo).
VAMPIRO & PENTAGON JR. SEGMENT- that was pretty nuts. It will be interesting to see if Pentagon Jr. eventually turns on Vampiro at some point because of this.
A decent show from LU.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Matt Striker makes a joke about having watched midget porn. I don’t even need to tell you what he said. Just the idea that he made a midget porn joke is enough to qualify for a stupid announcer quote simply because there was no reason to do it.
2. Striker predicts that Killshot will be the “MVP of this year” for Lucha Underground.
The year is already half over. He could have picked any number of people: Rey, Prince Puma, Matanza, Mil Muertes, King Cuerno, Fenix, Sexy Star, Ivellise, Son of Havoc… people who have ACTUALLY DONE SOMETHING this year. Or he could have picked a guy who is clearly a star but hasn’t done quite as much this year like Johnny Mundo or Cage or Drago... but instead, lead commentator Matt Striker thinks that this undercard jamoke who hasn’t done sh*t so far this year will be the “MVP.”
3. Striker described Killshot as a cross between Jack Evans and Angelico “with a bit of Col. DeBeers thrown in if you know what I mean.”
So he’s a white supremacist? That’s a twist I didn’t see coming. Seriously. All of the guys with military gimmicks in wrestling history (all of whom Striker clearly knows because he recited a good chunk of them a few moments later), and he chooses the guy whose gimmick was that he supported Apartheid. Based on the backstory we got a few weeks ago, the guy who he seems to most resemble would be Cobra of 1995 WCW fame.