ROH Global Wars 2016

ROH Global Wars 2016

By Big Red Machine
From May 08, 2016

ROH Global Wars 2016
ROH Global Wars 2016 (5/8/2016)- Chicago, IL

FOUR CORNER SURVIVAL MATCH TO DETERMINE THE #1 CONTENDER TO THE ROH WORLD TV TITLE: Roderick Strong vs. Adam Page vs. ACH vs. Dalton Castle (w/the Boys)- 6.5/10
Black guy does his entrance cosplaying as an anime character on ROH’s first PPV after New Day did it at WrestleMania? Nah. That won’t come off as second rate at all.
This was a fun opener with a very cool finish. Roddy was quite upset that he didn’t win, feeling that Castle stole his pin. That being said, I was quite unhappy to see Page get pinned coming off his big blow-off with BJ Whitmer. Was there any reason why ACH couldn’t have eaten the pin?

The Addiction went for Celebrity Rehab on Liger, who landed right on his head. I don’t know if Liger was okay or not, but it looked very scary. It would have made for great finish if they had called an audible but instead it was just a nearfall because Cheeseburger broke up the pin. Then f*cking CHEESEBURGER pinned CHRISTOPHER DANIELS CLEAN ON AN ROH PPV! What has this company come to?

After the match the announcers made huge deal about Cheeseburger winning his debut on ROH PPV, and then were outraged when The Addiction attacked the victorious duo from behind, saying that they were sore losers who were trying to “take this moment away” from Cheeseburger. Then they hit him with the Best Meltzer Driver Ever. I was waiting for Moose to come out and make the save because on the previous show (Conquest Tour: West Warwick) he came out to save people from a post-match beatdown by The Addiction on two separate occasions. Tonight he was nowhere to be seen. That was weird.
It’s not that this angle wasn’t good. It’s a very good angle… it’s just that they could have done this same angle with a guy like 2016 Top Prospect Tournament winner Lio Rush- you know, someone who actually has the potential to be star for ROH (to make this work better with Rush they could have changed the finish of the tag match in West Warwick to have Moose pin Kaz instead of Rush pinning Daniels)- but instead they did it with Cheeseburger the comedy jobber while Rush wasn’t even booked on this show.
The good news is that Liger seems to be okay.

ROH WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: War Machine(c) vs. The Briscoes- 8/10
Awesome fight. I love watching these two teams face off. It’s just a shame that this whole story wasn’t built up better and that they didn’t do it at a show where they could have given it even more time and a higher place on the card (like maybe at Best in the World).

Kyle worked the arm while also doing everything in his power to avoid getting hit with Destino. GREAT match, and a good post-match segment, too, where Naito offered Kyle a handshake but the double-legged him and kicked him in the nuts.

A fun match, but the Moose vs. Elgin parts (and to a lesser extent, the Moose vs. Tanahashi parts) definitely felt less exciting.

ROH WORLD TV TITLE MATCH: Tomohiro Ishii(c) vs. Bobby Fish- 7.75/10
They did your typical hard-hitting Ishii match, but without the no-selling, so that was good. Fish kept working the head and eventually got the win by making Ishii pass out to a rear naked choke.

MATT SYDAL, KUSHIDA, & THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS vs. THE BULLET CLUB (Young Bucks & Guerrillas of Destiny)- 6.25/10
The reason for them doing this was that the Young Bucks had claimed that tonight they would break the record for the most superkicks in one match. For this reason, Mr. Wrestling III commissioned a graphic to count the superkicks. They then subverted expectations by telling a story revolving around the fact that every single superkick the Bucks tried to throw missed, with their opponents managing to land a bunch. The match was kept surprisingly short, which was good because it saved time for the main event also made sure that they didn’t burn the crowd out.
They were also hyping up that a new member of Bullet Club would be revealed but none was.

BJ WHITMER SHOWS UP WITH A FLASH DRIVE- he first cuts a good promo on both Steve Corino and the ROH office for this whole “Mr. Wrestling III” angle, then pulls out a flash drive and tells Corino that he should watch the footage on it when he gets back to his hotel room. This was strange. Whatever is on there I REALLY hope they don’t drag out the reveal forever like they have with every other “mystery” the company has had recently (Nana’s envelopes, who are the KRD?, who is the KRD imposter?, etc.).

ROH WORLD TITLE MATCH: Jay Lethal(c) (w/Taeler Hendrix) vs. Colt Cabana- 6.75/10 for Lethal and Cabana… but a -10/10 for Delirious.
I get that they are just trying to put over the product, but I get so angry whenever the announcers talk about how Jay Lethal is “the greatest ROH World Champion of all-time” (he isn’t first in length of reign or number of defenses, or- if I may step out of kayfabe for a moment- critical acclaim) or how he has “defeated almost every challenger there is and defeated them decisively” (Mark Briscoe, Moose, ACH, Adam Page, Sabin, Shelley, Hanson, Rowe, Bobby Fish, Dalton Castle, Donovan Dijak, and just about every single heel on the roster have all not yet had shots at Lethal, and his victory over Roddy certainly wasn’t clean). There’s putting over the product- which is a good thing-, but then there is blatantly lying, which kills your credibility. This is the latter.

ROH Senior Official Tod Sinclair clearly saw Taeler Hendrix interfering in the match but not only didn’t he call for the DQ, he didn’t even eject her from ringside… or even scold her. Finally when Nigel McGuinness came over to tell Taeler off did Tod actually do his job and eject her from ringside. She didn’t want to go so Nigel dragged her off. Kevin Kelly described this as Taeler going off “unwillingly.” Steve Corino then said “like all of Nigel’s girls.” That’s right. He made a RAPE JOKE. They have to take him off of commentary after this. They just have to. Never mind the fact that he sucks at his job… this is a whole different (and much more serious) issue.

Cabana and Lethal were having a really good match but then, when Cabana had Lethal locked in the Billy Goat’s Curse, Taeler Hendrix came out and pulled Sinclair out of the ring. For some reason the Young Bucks came out to try to superkick Taeler, but they missed and accidentally took out Sinclair. Then they superkicked Taeler, too.
Then they pulled out some Bullet Club shirts and got in the ring and offered both Lethal and Cabana shirts. Lethal and Cabana looked highly confused by all of this. Then things got even more confusing when we had a magical power outage. When the lights came back on, Adam Cole was in the ring with the Bucks, wearing a Bullet Club t-shirt. He’s also standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF LETHAL AND CABANA… so what the f*ck was the point of turning off the lights?!
Then Cole gives the signal and the Bucks superkick Lethal and Cabana… except that the fact that they didn't block looked utterly ridiculous considering it had been a good ninety seconds since either of them had taken an offensive move and the Bucks were standing right in front of them.
Cole and the Bucks continued to beat down and superkick both guys. A bunch of security dorks run to eat superkicks and get powerbombed through tables and eat the Bucks cool moves because superkick. For TEN F*CKING MINUTES we watched the Bullet Club (but mostly Cole and the Bucks) beat up security guys, and anyone else who happened to be in the area.
Kevin Kelly eats a superkick. Mr. Wrestling III eats a superkick. More people get beaten up. A cameraman gets superkicked. Oh. And the fans are all cheering these guys assaulting innocent people, including two innocent people that these guys were just cheering their hearts out for. Some guy in a shiny shirt comes out. I think it’s Matt Taven, but I’m not sure because there was no commentary. Cole wants to superkick him, but the Bucks stop Cole from doing so. Then they all give him a triple superkick. That was stupid. Why stop Cole? Because SWERVE! That’s why. F*ck this retarded Vince Russo bullsh*t.
This went on for TEN STRAIGHT MINUTES, with no one doing anything about it.
WHERE THE F*CK IS NIGEL MCGUINNESS? Where are the Briscoes? Where is Michael Elgin? Where is Roderick Strong? Where is reDRagon? Where is Matt Sydal? Where are the Motor City Machine Guns? Where are the guys to whom this company has MEANT something? The guys who got their big breaks here, or came here because of the freedom it provides them or because they’ve been here for so long that they have made it their home?
Remember when they did that big angle with SCUM at the 11th Anniversary Show? When SCUM came out and started beating everyone up (AFTER we got a clean finish to out PPV main event, I might add)? Did everyone else in the locker room just sit on their hands and do nothing? F*ck no! The Briscoes and Michael Elgin and the American Wolves and BJ Whitmer and a whole bunch of others came out to fight them off because ROH MEANT SOMETHING and they were going to be damned if they let SCUM come in and take over the place and turn ROH upside down.

I don’t know what the f*ck I just watched, but it sure as hell wasn’t Ring of Honor.

I’m going to be perfectly blunt with you all: I almost feel like crying right now. I own over 430 ROH DVDs. When you also factor in money spent on live PPVs, VODs, ringside membership, tickets to shows, etc. I have probably spent at least $3,000 on ROH in the past eight years. And right now: I feel like this thing that I love so much that I’ve put so much time and money into it is dead. And in its place is this disgusting, bastardized, over-booked, creatively lazy, f*cking Young Bucks circle-jerk. This must be what it felt like to be an ECW fan in 2006. Everything that ROH used to stand for: good stories, good booking, wrestling presented as serious competition, young and/or underappreciated wrestlers getting the chance to come in and show you what they can really do, and- most of all- CLEAN FINISHES is DEAD!

This was a really good show until Delirious decided to take sh*t on all of our collective chests in the main event. Meanwhile, EVOLVE did an angle that has gotten more buzz than anything on the indies since the height of the Steen vs. Generico feud. I’m going to go watch that instead. They actually give me something that is worth my money.

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