BRM Reviews the 7/28/2011 Impact (do you like rants?)
Posted: Jul 29th, '11, 03:46
OPENING SEGMENT- eh. It wasn’t bad… it just wasn’t anything I wanted to see. They are definitely building towards something, though
BOUND FOR GLORY SERIES MATCH: Rob Van Dam vs. Gunner- 5.5/10
BISCHOFF READS THE LETTER ABOUT THE X-DIVISION- This wasn’t bad for the angle that they are doing, but one thing in here bothered me a lot. The letter instructed Bischoff to “build and brand the X-Division.” The X-Division IS a brand! And the fact that people don’t realize this just speaks to the HORRIBLE misuse of the X-Division in TNA over the last three years.
Another thing that irked me here was that them blaming Abyss makes no sense whatsoever! There were seven other matches on the card! Even if Abyss had won his match, it wouldn’t have made the PPV any less of a kayfabe success (since a PPV is kayfabe successful business-wise). And while we are on that subject, I have heard it reported that Destination X only did 8,000 buys. For a company with international exposure, that isn’t a success. That is a major failure.
Then Hogan walked in. Hogan’s interruption wasn’t bad, but Bubba volunteering Anderson was just stupid. You can either make Bubba be a legit tough guy and a threat, or you can have him be an all-show fake bravado paper tiger. You can’t do both at the same time.
Then Sting showed up, and it got bad. Sting’s character is just moronic and obnoxious. Also, with JUST STING there, alone in a room with ABYSS, STEINER, ANDERSON, AND JEFF JARRETT (not to mention Hogan and Bischoff, too)… WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST BEAT THE SH*T OUT OF HIM?!!!!! The Network making Sting their representative is also problematic, because if Sting’s whole crazy gimmick doesn’t turn out to be a ploy, then it makes the Network look like morons for handing so much power to a RAVING LUNATIC.
X-DIVISION SEGMENT- F*CKING AWESOME! The A Double character works perfectly when you don’t have smarks cheering for it. Abyss wasn’t bad until he started to go on about taking the title, which will somehow allow him to “destroy the X-Division.” You just spent a whole month talking about how the X-Division was a style… so how will not having a belt to compete for kill it?
Then Sting makes Abyss’ rematch an Ultimate X match. Because that is good booking: Put the heel at a disadvantage. And it is good promoting to throw your company's signature match away on free TV with no hype.
MATT MORGAN PROMO- unfortunate turn of events, but a great, heartfelt promo.
BUBBA PROMO- dumb.
BOUND FOR GLORY SERIES MATCH: Bully Ray vs. Crimson- 3.75/10. After cutting his super-cocky promo, Bubba loses after ONE MOVE.
TARA vs. WINTER- 4.5/10. Babyface jumps the heel for no reason, and a dirty finish for no reason at all. At least I think it was a dirty finish. The distracted ref made it seem like they wanted it to look that way, but I'm not sure that a c*nt-punt is actually illegal. Either way, they shouldn’t have done it because Winter needs to look strong going into her title match with Mickie.
ULTIMATE X MATCH FOR THE TNA X-DIVISION TITLE: Brian Kendrick(c) vs. Abyss- 4.5/10. I didn’t like this much at all. They just did the same spot twice, and Abyss looked more like the big dumb Abyss of old, rather than the Sun Tzu-reading Abyss we have seen over the past few months. But that finish was AWESOME!
EY STUFF- MORONIC WASTE OF TIME
KNOCKOUTS' SEGMENT- Stupid, and Traci’s hat also looked dumb. Anyway, I absolutely have no sympathy for Velvet as a bullying victim (or anything else she talked about in her promo), because the first thing she did when she got to TNA was… BECOME A BULLY!
FORTUNE SEGMENT- Didn’t like Kaz talking about intentionally injuring someone, but the AJ-Daniels stuff was good.
Then Sting showed up, carrying his cage, and he made some comments about keeping the heels out… and a HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, thought occurred to me. That cage seems just about large enough to contain… a Rottweiler. And no; this isn’t a "Ricky Reyes is a midget" joke. I assure you that there was absolutely nothing funny about the thought that ran through my head, because this is the one thing that I thought that even Vince Russo might be above booking. Steel Cage + Rottweiler=
(G-d I hope I’m wrong about this)….
Kennel From Hell
STING-BISCHOFF SEGMENT- ARE YOU MOTHERF*CKING KIDDING ME?!!!!!!!!!!!!! REALLY???
First of all, when Bischoff was berating the Network exec because he thought that they chose Sting as their rep, Bischoff’s whole argument was “choosing Sting is disrespectful to me and Hogan, and we can do so much for you.” Not once did he ever try to say "STING IS A LUNATIC! Therefore, putting him in charge of the show is a BAD IDEA!"
And then it got worse… Sting comes in (now that I think about it, Sting has pretty much been a harbinger of death tonight for every segment he has been involved in) and he reveals… THAT HE LIED ABOUT BEING THE NETWORK REP… AND HEELS BELIEVED HIM??????? WTF?
1) He is their enemy, so it seems probable that he might lie to them
2) HE IS F*CKING BATTY! THE MAN MAKES R-TRUTH LOOK SANE!!!!!!!!!!!!! So even if Sting earnestly believed that he was appointed by the Network to be their representative… there is a good reason NOT TO BELIEVE HIM!
This is just stupidity on such a level that the only thing I can possibly compare it to is Dixie not reading the document that Bischoff gave her to sign (and thus signing away her own company, then pretending that it was all Bischoff’s fault for tricking her, rather than her own fault for being a moron).
Then there is the flaw of it taking all night for Bischoff to get a hold of the Network. One would assume that at least someone from the Network who is in charge of Impact ACTUALLY WATCHES THE F*CKING SHOW (or else how would they be able to make some of these decisions)… and one would assume that if that person saw Sting (who has clearly not only lost his marbles, but is at the point where he probably thinks that the game will work just as well if he replaces the marbles with live rabbits) blatantly lie about having been granted authority, this person would waste no time in trying to tell everyone at the Impact Zone NOT TO LISTEN TO STING!!!!
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Then Sting reveals the contents of his cage… a bird… and all it takes is for Sting to remind Bischoff of the Hitchcock film, and Bischoff is paralyzed with fear. I have to admit… I honestly didn’t think that even Vince Russo was dumb enough to write a segment like this.
And of course, because “wrestling matters” so much to TNA, they thought that it was more important to show us Bischoff and a bird than THE BEGINNING OF MAIN EVENT STEEL CAGE MATCH THEY HAD BEEN HYPING UP ALL NIGHT!
STEEL CAGE MATCH: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle- 6.75/10. I took.25 off because I hated the finish so much. Bubba just comes off looking like an ass, here, and not in the good, heel way. Bubba keeps sticking Anderson in these situations, then gets upset when Anderson insults him… so Bubba disobeys the orders of his leader Hulk Hogan just to mess with Anderson? The finish to this match is the sort of thing that Anderson should be doing to Bubba as revenge for sticking him in matches he doesn’t like (that type of douchebaggery fits Anderson much better), not the other way around! The schmoz was good, though.
Then, because he hasn’t been intolerable enough tonight, Sting completely takes the focus off of Bubba and Anderson by magically teleporting into the ring to raise Kurt’s hand.
Overall, this episode of Impact was very much TNA in a nutshell: Moronic stupidity at all levels, some sort of allergy to clean finishes in the main event, thrown-away gimmick matches given no time at all, major talent given nowhere near enough time (RVD vs. Gunner only went six minutes), and the only saving grace was the X-Division.
Stupid Announcer Quotes:
1. Taz (about Gunner)- “This athlete from Immortal; this guy manned a .50 caliber machine gun for the United States Marine Corps during the Iraqi Freedom Tour. This guy’s no joke”- Which is a skill I’m sure will come in handy at some point in his wrestling career. Okay, Taz. Now that you have managed to say something that is factually correct, why don’t you try clearing that oh-so hard to reach bar of minimum competency for an announcer by saying something that is both factually correct AND relevant.
BOUND FOR GLORY SERIES MATCH: Rob Van Dam vs. Gunner- 5.5/10
BISCHOFF READS THE LETTER ABOUT THE X-DIVISION- This wasn’t bad for the angle that they are doing, but one thing in here bothered me a lot. The letter instructed Bischoff to “build and brand the X-Division.” The X-Division IS a brand! And the fact that people don’t realize this just speaks to the HORRIBLE misuse of the X-Division in TNA over the last three years.
Another thing that irked me here was that them blaming Abyss makes no sense whatsoever! There were seven other matches on the card! Even if Abyss had won his match, it wouldn’t have made the PPV any less of a kayfabe success (since a PPV is kayfabe successful business-wise). And while we are on that subject, I have heard it reported that Destination X only did 8,000 buys. For a company with international exposure, that isn’t a success. That is a major failure.
Then Hogan walked in. Hogan’s interruption wasn’t bad, but Bubba volunteering Anderson was just stupid. You can either make Bubba be a legit tough guy and a threat, or you can have him be an all-show fake bravado paper tiger. You can’t do both at the same time.
Then Sting showed up, and it got bad. Sting’s character is just moronic and obnoxious. Also, with JUST STING there, alone in a room with ABYSS, STEINER, ANDERSON, AND JEFF JARRETT (not to mention Hogan and Bischoff, too)… WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST BEAT THE SH*T OUT OF HIM?!!!!! The Network making Sting their representative is also problematic, because if Sting’s whole crazy gimmick doesn’t turn out to be a ploy, then it makes the Network look like morons for handing so much power to a RAVING LUNATIC.
X-DIVISION SEGMENT- F*CKING AWESOME! The A Double character works perfectly when you don’t have smarks cheering for it. Abyss wasn’t bad until he started to go on about taking the title, which will somehow allow him to “destroy the X-Division.” You just spent a whole month talking about how the X-Division was a style… so how will not having a belt to compete for kill it?
Then Sting makes Abyss’ rematch an Ultimate X match. Because that is good booking: Put the heel at a disadvantage. And it is good promoting to throw your company's signature match away on free TV with no hype.
MATT MORGAN PROMO- unfortunate turn of events, but a great, heartfelt promo.
BUBBA PROMO- dumb.
BOUND FOR GLORY SERIES MATCH: Bully Ray vs. Crimson- 3.75/10. After cutting his super-cocky promo, Bubba loses after ONE MOVE.
TARA vs. WINTER- 4.5/10. Babyface jumps the heel for no reason, and a dirty finish for no reason at all. At least I think it was a dirty finish. The distracted ref made it seem like they wanted it to look that way, but I'm not sure that a c*nt-punt is actually illegal. Either way, they shouldn’t have done it because Winter needs to look strong going into her title match with Mickie.
ULTIMATE X MATCH FOR THE TNA X-DIVISION TITLE: Brian Kendrick(c) vs. Abyss- 4.5/10. I didn’t like this much at all. They just did the same spot twice, and Abyss looked more like the big dumb Abyss of old, rather than the Sun Tzu-reading Abyss we have seen over the past few months. But that finish was AWESOME!
EY STUFF- MORONIC WASTE OF TIME
KNOCKOUTS' SEGMENT- Stupid, and Traci’s hat also looked dumb. Anyway, I absolutely have no sympathy for Velvet as a bullying victim (or anything else she talked about in her promo), because the first thing she did when she got to TNA was… BECOME A BULLY!
FORTUNE SEGMENT- Didn’t like Kaz talking about intentionally injuring someone, but the AJ-Daniels stuff was good.
Then Sting showed up, carrying his cage, and he made some comments about keeping the heels out… and a HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, thought occurred to me. That cage seems just about large enough to contain… a Rottweiler. And no; this isn’t a "Ricky Reyes is a midget" joke. I assure you that there was absolutely nothing funny about the thought that ran through my head, because this is the one thing that I thought that even Vince Russo might be above booking. Steel Cage + Rottweiler=
(G-d I hope I’m wrong about this)….
Kennel From Hell
STING-BISCHOFF SEGMENT- ARE YOU MOTHERF*CKING KIDDING ME?!!!!!!!!!!!!! REALLY???
First of all, when Bischoff was berating the Network exec because he thought that they chose Sting as their rep, Bischoff’s whole argument was “choosing Sting is disrespectful to me and Hogan, and we can do so much for you.” Not once did he ever try to say "STING IS A LUNATIC! Therefore, putting him in charge of the show is a BAD IDEA!"
And then it got worse… Sting comes in (now that I think about it, Sting has pretty much been a harbinger of death tonight for every segment he has been involved in) and he reveals… THAT HE LIED ABOUT BEING THE NETWORK REP… AND HEELS BELIEVED HIM??????? WTF?
1) He is their enemy, so it seems probable that he might lie to them
2) HE IS F*CKING BATTY! THE MAN MAKES R-TRUTH LOOK SANE!!!!!!!!!!!!! So even if Sting earnestly believed that he was appointed by the Network to be their representative… there is a good reason NOT TO BELIEVE HIM!
This is just stupidity on such a level that the only thing I can possibly compare it to is Dixie not reading the document that Bischoff gave her to sign (and thus signing away her own company, then pretending that it was all Bischoff’s fault for tricking her, rather than her own fault for being a moron).
Then there is the flaw of it taking all night for Bischoff to get a hold of the Network. One would assume that at least someone from the Network who is in charge of Impact ACTUALLY WATCHES THE F*CKING SHOW (or else how would they be able to make some of these decisions)… and one would assume that if that person saw Sting (who has clearly not only lost his marbles, but is at the point where he probably thinks that the game will work just as well if he replaces the marbles with live rabbits) blatantly lie about having been granted authority, this person would waste no time in trying to tell everyone at the Impact Zone NOT TO LISTEN TO STING!!!!
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Then Sting reveals the contents of his cage… a bird… and all it takes is for Sting to remind Bischoff of the Hitchcock film, and Bischoff is paralyzed with fear. I have to admit… I honestly didn’t think that even Vince Russo was dumb enough to write a segment like this.
And of course, because “wrestling matters” so much to TNA, they thought that it was more important to show us Bischoff and a bird than THE BEGINNING OF MAIN EVENT STEEL CAGE MATCH THEY HAD BEEN HYPING UP ALL NIGHT!
STEEL CAGE MATCH: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle- 6.75/10. I took.25 off because I hated the finish so much. Bubba just comes off looking like an ass, here, and not in the good, heel way. Bubba keeps sticking Anderson in these situations, then gets upset when Anderson insults him… so Bubba disobeys the orders of his leader Hulk Hogan just to mess with Anderson? The finish to this match is the sort of thing that Anderson should be doing to Bubba as revenge for sticking him in matches he doesn’t like (that type of douchebaggery fits Anderson much better), not the other way around! The schmoz was good, though.
Then, because he hasn’t been intolerable enough tonight, Sting completely takes the focus off of Bubba and Anderson by magically teleporting into the ring to raise Kurt’s hand.
Overall, this episode of Impact was very much TNA in a nutshell: Moronic stupidity at all levels, some sort of allergy to clean finishes in the main event, thrown-away gimmick matches given no time at all, major talent given nowhere near enough time (RVD vs. Gunner only went six minutes), and the only saving grace was the X-Division.
Stupid Announcer Quotes:
1. Taz (about Gunner)- “This athlete from Immortal; this guy manned a .50 caliber machine gun for the United States Marine Corps during the Iraqi Freedom Tour. This guy’s no joke”- Which is a skill I’m sure will come in handy at some point in his wrestling career. Okay, Taz. Now that you have managed to say something that is factually correct, why don’t you try clearing that oh-so hard to reach bar of minimum competency for an announcer by saying something that is both factually correct AND relevant.