BRM Reviews the 5/5/2011 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- Random. It hyped the Network rep’s appearance, though, which was good. I really didn’t like Sting saying “she.” It kills some of the surprise, as it is either obviously Dixie Carter, or they want to Dixie to be an ultra-obvious red herring (which we all know, so we will now start thinking of women whom it could possibly be, and might figure it out, when it was someone who we wouldn’t have thought of).
The thing that really bothered me about this segment was the schmoz. Why the hell did Hogan punch D’Lo? Just to start a schmoz? That seems really dumb when punching D’Lo makes him three new enemies he otherwise wouldn’t have had. But this silliness was forgettable after the AWESOME Bobby Roode promo (it didn’t even bother me that he came close to breaking kayfabe! That’s how awesome this promo was)!

VELVET, JEFF, & KAREN BACKSTAGE- this is the sort of crap that annoys me. Karen comes to Velvet and says “I have an offer (probably an ultimatum, based on her phrasing) for you- you should meet me at this different place at this later time and I will tell you what it is”- WTF? Just tell her right now! The only reason for this segment was so the cameras could get a shot of Velvet in a towel, and so Velvet could make a poop joke at Karen. It is such a waste of time!

MATT HARDY PROMO- good, but WHO THE HELL WAS MATT TALKING TO! The camera was hiding outside of the open door, so it clearly wasn’t for the camera! Maybe the cameraman just got lucky and caught Matt practicing a promo in the mirror or something.

SANGRIENTO vs. SUICIDE-5.25/10. Just wasn’t into it. Red was trying so hard not to wrestle like himself that it hurt the match, and definitely detracted from what the match could have been.

Dear TNA; Shawn Hernandez, Sara Stock, Divina Fly, now Amazing Red… how about getting some REAL Mexicans! There is a whole country full of them, including a lot of very talented wrestlers!

HOGAN & BISCHOFF BACKSTAGE- Are they really questioning that it is Flair? Never mind the fact that Flair was with them AFTER this whole stupidity started… STING SAID “SHE!” Unless he secretly had a sex change in the last three weeks, IT ISN’T FLAIR! And their logic is dumb! Why does it have to be someone on the roster?

MEXICAN AMERICA SEGMENT- Dumb. And wasn’t Shannon Moore about to turn heel last month?

BUBBA & GUNNER vs. AJ STYLES & CHRISTOPHER DANIELS- DUD! WHY THE F*CK IS THIS A NO CONTEST! A GUY NOT INVOLVED IN THE MATCH JUST BLATANTLY ATTACKED SOMEONE WHO WAS! THAT IS A DQ, NOT A F*CKING NO CONTEST!
And WHY did Tommy even come out here? Bubba was about to attack AJ with a chain! Why did he stop Bubba from doing that… only to go and give AJ a piledriver? It is a swerve PURELY FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING A SWERVE. Booking should NEVER be done this way. This dumb sh*t stinks of Vince Russo.
Then Bubba says that he is going to bust AJ’s ass and make him wish he had never set foot in a wrestling ring… well… there is Bubba, Gunner, & Dreamer against only Daniels. AJ is lying, helpless, in the middle of the ring… so why not GO DO THAT NOW? This is likely the best chance you will ever get!

KAREN, JEFF, & VELVET IN THE RING- RIDICULOUSLY DUMB SH*T! There was no “offer” made at all! And this was a monstrous waste of time. Karen’s logic was atrocious, and this was just f*cking boring.

LOSER LEAVES IMMORTAL: MURPHY vs. ROB TERRY- 4.5/10. Best match of both men’s careers.

JOE-CRIMSON SEGMENT- enjoyable

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Mickie James(c) vs. Miss Tessmacher- 4.25/10, but still perfectly good. It was done well, and Tessmacher really come off as being a step or three behind Mickie, but like someone who is still learning. She has a lot of room to improve, but has definitely shown a lot of improvement already. I liked this a lot.
My one problem with it is that Tessmahcer, wrestling her SECOND MATCH, lasted longer than Madison Rayne, so when Madison comes out, why the hell should anyone think she will have a chance in hell of winning. My other problem with this segment was that Madison still has a contractually obligated rematch. She shouldn’t have to be putting anything on the line yet. Also, the logic here with Tara fails. Tara shouldn’t be allowed in TNA at all, especially without Madison! Anyway, we are obviously going to have a dirty finish at Sacrifice with Tara purposely costing Madison the match, then have either Mickie vs. Tara or a 3 way match at Slammiversary. Either way should be good, though.

KURT & ANGLE VELVET SKY vs. WINTER, ANGELINA LOVE, & JEFF JARRETT (w/Karen Jarrett)-4/10. The entrances and introductions went longer than the match itself! WTF? Also, Velvet should not have pinned Winter yet. The few minutes of this match that were Jarrett vs. Angle were great, though. These two have awesome chemistry.

Remember everything I said last week about Impact feeling like it was getting back on the right track… CRASH! Not anymore.

The teases at the end were stupid.

Stupid Announcer Quotes:
1. Tenay & Taz (about Matt’s tag team partner)- “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “Yes I am, Mike"- THEN TELL US! You are supposed to be ANNOUNCERS! You are supposed to provide insight. TELL US WHO YOU THINK IT IS!

2. Mike Tenay (about Sangriento) “what my scouts tell me is the hottest independent luchador from Mexico”- what your SCOUTS tell you? Really, Tenay? You don’t watch X-Plosion? And when TNA signs a new wrestler, you don’t do some research on him?

3. Taz (about the Sangriento vs. Suicide match)- “I’m gonna pick the guy with the mask” Gee, you sure are clever, Taz. You should quit your day job and become a standup comedian. Not that I think you would be any good at it, but at least I wouldn’t have to listen to you on Impact anymore.
I mean, did anyone actually find this funny?

4. Taz says that Suicide is- “chock full of different offensive maneuvers”- this describes any wrestler in history aside from The Great Khali.

5. Tenay- “The Network representative, and we will have the identity of that person; Male? Female?” WE ALREADY KNOW IT’S A WOMAN! Sting said it earlier! You are a f*cking announcer! Do you pay any attention to the show AT ALL?

6. Taz (about Mickie and Tessmacher)- “I’m sure both of these ladies are very experienced, and both have been wrestling a long time”- Tenay just told us otherwise. He just explained to us that Tessmacher had only wrestled one match ever! There aren’t many people in the world I’m inclined to believe Tenay over, but one of them has got to be the idiot who sits there and whacks off during Knockouts matches.