BRM Reviews the 11/24/2016 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- bad
Poor Jeff had to go out there in early October and cut a promo about how today is Thanksgiving. He says that he must come out here and fight the DCC because of what they did to Matt. Jeff was completely normal here and he said some stuff that almost sounded like he was making fun of Matt’s “Broken” gimmick. He wants to fight someone from DCC right now. This would have worked a lot better for me if he hadn’t just fought them last week in a big weapons match. This seems like the kind of promo that should be cut before the first time you face the heels after their have committed they heinous crime (which, in this case, is accidentally giving Matt Hardy amnesia during a brawl, because TNA doesn’t know when enough is enough), not after you’ve already had a No DQs match against them.
The DCC take over the PandaTron (AnthemTron?) and cut their promo with their masks on even though we all know who they all already. They say there is no one there to help Jeff tonight. Um… what about Eddie Edwards?
Anyway, they want one of them to face Jeff in a No DQs match. Jeff is fine with this. Then they all run at Jeff. Jeff lays the first one out with a Twist of Fate because TNA’s MO with these guys seems to be to do everything they can to make it look like these guys would have no chance in a singles match. When the other two (in this case Bram and Kingston, which I can tell because they have their masks off even though the third guy doesn’t… so, again, why wear the masks anymore?) get there they beat Jeff up two-on-one. Then Jeff makes his own comeback and beats up Bram and Kingston both, then ducks a Storm Last Call and bails. Remember what I said about TNA making these guys look incompetent in singles matches? Now I think they’re goal is just to make these guys look incompetent in any situation.

MATT HARDY BULLSH*T- terrible.
They wasted almost two whole minutes on Matt Hardy rambling. He’s having an ice cream social for Thanksgiving and calls the normal way of celebrating Thanksgiving “inadequate.” He says that “we should not kill turkeys. They are innocent creatures,” which tells you that they don’t have any wild turkeys in Cameron, North Carolina. Those f*ckers are vicious.
Also, we are supposed to believe Vanguard 1 drinks like an organic being would?

TRIPLE THREAT TEAM X GOLD ELIMINATION MATCH IN WHICH THE ENTIRE WINNING TEAM WILL GET A FUTURE X-DIVISION TITLE SHOT: Trevor Lee, Andrew Everett, & Marshe Rockett vs. Rockstar Spud, Abyss, & Crazzy Steve vs. Team Go For Broke (Braxton Sutter, DJ Zema Ion, & Mandrews)- 0.5/10
JB never announced that last part about the title shot. Josh Matthews added it in on commentary. More importantly, it seems like this is rather unfair to DJZ, who is really not fighting for anything. Also, what have any of these guys (especially on the heel teams, who have yet to win) done to warrant an opportunity like this?
It’s been almost two months now and we still have no idea what the purpose of this “Team X Gold” thing is. Adding this title shot rider onto it makes it feel even less important because now it comes across like Team X Gold isn’t important enough on its own so they have to add in the title shot stip.
Abyss is a moron so he uses a chair right in front of the referee so he gets… “ejected” rather than the standard “disqualified” because TNA is stupid. We then got a parade of elimination leaving just Rockett for his team, Spud for his team, and both Sutter and DJZ for the team that always wins and is also the only team with a name. The heels took turns beating on Sutter until Spud stopped fighting his arch nemesis to go back to being a comedy jobber to do a comedy spot so he could be eliminated, leaving the heel Marshe Rockett to fight valiantly against two babyfaces. He got beaten quickly. The match went 8:06, and in that time there were SEVEN eliminations, basically burying everybody (aside from the two guys who survived and Mandrews who at least got hit with a chair and then tapped out). Remember what I said about Abyss being a moron? Well Abyss might be a moron but Chris Parks probably isn’t because it’s entirely possible that he knew what he was getting into so he politicked to get DQed instead of getting buried and pinned like an afterthought like everyone else did. Either that or this was the bookers’ original plan, so either Parks is smart or they’re stupid. Actually, given the evidence, it’s probably the latter.
In addition to the title shots that both Mandrews and Sutter will get (even though Mandrews did absolutely nothing to earn it), Josh informed us that due to their victory Team Go For Broke will “get to wave the flag.” Gee golly! Isn’t that just peachy keen?! I wish I would be able to wave to the flag. That must be the cat’s pajamas! I hereby predict that absolutely nothing about Team X Gold will ever be good, and they get bored with it by April.

ALLIE IS PLAYING WITH WHAT APPEARS TO BE A SCHOOLCHILD’S THANKSGIVING PROJECT- We are supposed to have sympathy for Allie for not having a big family growing up. Sorry, but it’s hard to take her seriously when she acts like a small child. And Laurel Van Ness is right: Braxton Sutter probably does want a real woman instead of a little girl.
Apparently for Thanksgiving dinner, the Bennetts will be going on a double-date with Laurel and Braxton. Maria tells Allie that she will have to dress up like a pilgrim to serve them dinner. This will either be terrible or utterly hilarious, with very little chance for any middle ground. If I had to guess right now, I’m leaning towards hilarious, though possibly only in unintended ways.

MORE MATT HARDY BULLSH*T- A referee has been invited to the Thanksgiving ice cream social. It’s the same one from The Final Deletion. Apparently Reby sent him make Matt watch some videos. I hate this.

MIKE, MARIA, LAUREL, & BRAXTON HAVE THANKSGIVING DINNER… IN THE RING- F*CKING HILARIOUS.
Okay… what was the kayfabe purpose behind booking this segment? Why did the person who puts the show together (which I guess is Billy Corgan right now, right?) schedule a segment on this wrestling show where a small number of wrestlers would eat Thanksgiving dinner in the ring?
Anyway, Allie is dressed like pilgrim. Obviously this was an attempt to humiliate her, but this is TNA, so why not pay homage to the company’s (admittedly frustrating) history and make her wear the official TNA Thanksgiving Turkey Suit of Shame?
So anyway, they go around the table and say what they are thankful for. Bennett and Maria were, of course, fantastic heels. Allie tries to speak and say that she is thankful for all of the fans in the Impact Zone but Maria yells at her and tells her that no one cares about her. Maria orders Allie to serve them dinner.
Then the dinner conversation commences. That conversation was Laurel Van Ness talking to Braxton, suggesting possible activities for later (“you know what they used to call me in college? Laurel Van Yes”). I cracked up, and not just because of the joke but because of the fact that because someone in TNA decided that this needed to happen in front of the live crowd, Laurel said this all into a microphone despite being less than a foot away from the man she was talking to.
Allie finally snaps and yells at Laurel, calling her “a big meanie.” Yeah… not helping me get behind her. Also, apparently Allie cooked the dinner, but did not cook herself any vegan food to eat. Sounds to me like that’s her own fault. Also, isn’t there a pumpkin right in front of Bennett? I’m no expert on veganism, but I’m pretty sure they can eat raw fruit.
So Laurel gets up and starts to shove Allie. Then Maria gets up and gets behind Laurel and starts to talk to her. Allie picked up a pie (despite Bennett sternly telling her not to) and tried to pie Laurel but Laurel ducked so Maria got pied. Sutter laughed. Allie gasped in horror. Maria screamed. Bennett snuck around, wiped some of the pie off of her face and licked his finger. Then he moved in to lick Maria’s face but she slapped him. I laughed my ass off at this. Then someone’s music played and the segment just randomly ended. Weird.

EC III & ELI DRAKE VIDEO PACKAGE- good

THE REFEREE SHOWS MATT HARDY VIDEOS OF THE PAST YEAR OF HIS LIFE- it doesn’t help. Reby shows up and is sad.

IF ELI DRAKE WINS HE GETS ETHAN’S TITLE SHOT, BUT IF EC III WINS ELI DRAKE CAN’T TALK FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR: Ethan Carter III vs. Eli Drake- 7/10
They had a mediocre brawl. Then Eli grabbed a mic and began to cut a promo while stomping away on Ethan. The referee made no effort to get this potential weapon out of Eli’s hands. After that point things picked up enough to save this from not being a huge disappointment.

MORE MATT HARDY BULLSH*T- Reby called in a hypnotherapist. He hypnotized Matt, then said “when I snap my fingers you will be broken” and he snapped his fingers and now back is back to being broken. Well… that was both easy and pointless. What a big f*cking waste of three weeks of TV.
Then the hypnotist said “when I snap my fingers you will become your one true self” and Matt was back to wacky amnesiac post-Broken Matt Hardy. If the goal was for Matt to be broken again, why not just leave him broken? Also, this little bit opens up a serious ethical question. If Matt’s “one true self” is this version of him, then would it not be immoral to keep trying to make him be any other version?

THE TRIBUNAL vs. AL SNOW & MAHABALI SHERA- 3/10
This pointless match that went to a DQ got more time than the Team X Gold Triple Threat Elimination #1 Contendership match. The Tribunal beat Snow and Shera up with their belts after the match. At this point I’m certain that Al is booking this feud on his own and the reason it keeps going on and on is because he knows that once it finishes the company will have no use for him.

ROBBIE, GRADO, & AIDEN O’SHEA BACKSTAGE- Oh. There’s the turkey suit. Billy Corgan has ordered these two to have a Turkey Suit Challenge for absolutely no reason. Because according to TNA, two comedy losers having a “Loser Wears a Turkey Suit” match for absolutely no reason is what wrestling fans want to see.

TURKEY SUIT CHALLENGE: Robbie E. vs. Grado- DUD! On principle.

ROSEMARY PROMO- I eagerly await the day when TNA will learn that wacky camera effects do not automatically make a promo good.

NO DISQUALIFICATIONS MATCH: Jeff Hardy vs. Bram (w/the DCC)- 6/10
Jeff does a perfectly fine job of standing up to the entire DCC on his own. For the second week in a row Jeff loses a No DQs match to them… so basically nothing has changed.

MORE MATT HARDY BULLSH*T- Matt finally snaps because he’s sick and tired of people talking about this “Broken” bullsh*t. He screams to the seven deities to send him a sign so they hit him with lightning and now he’s broken again just like that. Deus Ex Machina. So yeah. They wasted multiple segments on almost an entire months’ worth of Impacts for segments that were NOTHING BUT STALLING with no lasting changes brought to anyone brought about by it. F*ck this company.

There was some good stuff on this Impact but also some absolutely terrible crap. Just watch the Allie stuff and the EC III/Eli Drake stuff.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. During the Team X Gold match, Josh noted that only one team still had all three members left… and then he immediately asked Pope which team he thinks has the advantage.