BRM Reviews the 9/28/2015 Raw (very bad)

[Big Red Machine]

Tonight will be see Bray vs. Roman. Again. This feud will never end, will it?

JOHN CENA PROMO- it took him about three minutes to say that he is having an open challenge for the US Title. New Day came out to answer it. It also took them entirely too long to say this. Then Cena had to start talking again. He gave them a lecture about needing to be serious.

WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: John Cena(c) vs. Xavier Woods (w/the New Day)- 5/10
New Day are ejected from ringside. It probably would have been better to have the Dudleys come out and chase them away. Or even better, have Woods be about to lose and New Day interfere for the DQ. New Day would then beat Cena down until the Dudleys make the save, and we get a six man tag (either now or as the main event) in which the Dudleys pin Woods to set up for their title match on the MSG Network Special this weekend.
Oh. Well. Looks like I complained too soon.

THE NEW DAY vs. JOHN CENA & THE DUDLEYS BOYS- 6.5/10
They did the Whazzup right in front of the ref and there was no DQ. New Day picked up the completely clean win over the Dudleys, which is stupid seeing as how the Dudleys are going to challenge The New Day for the tag titles this weekend. I figured the whole point of doing the six-man was so that the Dudleys could pin someone without having to beat one of the tag champs.

HUNTER, STEPH, KANE, & A RANDOM WOMAN BACKSTAGE- The random woman is from WWE Human Resources. There has apparently been an “anonymous complaint” against Kane for creating an “unsafe working environment.” Kane will be being “evaluated” tonight. This is so dumb. If Hunter and Steph don’t want Kane doing the job… JUST FIRE HIM!
Oh. And Rollins showed up to make it obvious to anyone that somehow didn’t already didn’t figure it out that he was the one who sent the complaint. He lets Hunter and Steph know that he will go spy on Kane’s evaluation, which means that we are going to be getting some of WWE’s special brand of “comedy.” Oh joy.

Cole tells us that he thinks Kane is doing a good job as Director of Operations because Kane booked Bray vs. Roman in the main event tonight. In my book, that means he is doing a bad job. Cole tells us that this feud has been “out of control.” So how is booking them in a regular match going to do anything?

DEAN & ROMAN BACKSTAGE- Dean rambles some exposition. Roman finally got annoyed with Dean’s talking a cut a one-line promo just to shut Dean up.
Then Dean said he would stop Harper and Strowman from interfering. Good luck with that, Dean. Roman tells Dean that if he needs some help doing that, he can ask Orton. Dean says he doesn’t want to ask Orton for help because of what happened with Jericho at the PPV. How does that make any sense? Leaving aside the fact that Jericho and Orton are different people- it’s not like Jericho turned on them in the middle of the match or something. He just got angry with them after the match. That had no bearing on him helping them when they were fighting against the Wyatts.
Because this is a WWE backstage segment and they are all the same, it just so happened that Randy Orton chose that moment to walk by and hear Dean’s paranoid ramblings. Dean was an ass to Randy, so Randy pointed out that Dean and Roman got their butts kicked against the Wyatts without his help. All this segment did was make Dean seem unlikable and annoying.

MARK HENRY vs. BIG SHOW- DUD!
They are having Big Show face Mark Henry to build him up for Brock. Unfortunately, Mark has spent the past four months getting beaten cleanly in under five minutes, so this really failed at its goal. Mark has also not won a singles match on Raw or Smackdown in almost a year (and 364 days ago, he was PINNED CLEANLY BY BO DALLAS IN LESS THAN TWO MINUTES). And that, boys and girls, is why you don’t use 400lbs legit strongmen as jobbers: If you treat them like jobbers, then beating them ceases to mean anything.

MIZ TV WITH SPECIAL GUESTS BECKY LYNCH & CHARLOTTE-
Miz referred to them as “the C and the B of PCB.” That was great.
Charlotte called out Paige. Miz yelled at her for inviting guests onto his show. This was done specifically so Becky could grab Miz’s mic and throw it. If the only purpose of this was to humiliate Miz, why waste the time with doing Miz TV instead of using the much more natural format of Charlotte coming out to the ring and cutting a promo.
Team Bella came out because they have to stick their noses in everything. Nikki was so annoying. Charlotte wants to fight, but Nikki just keeps running her f*cking mouth instead.
Now Nikki is whining that Paige took credit for starting the Divas Revolution. Nikki claims that she started the Divas Revolution. WHO COULD POSSIBLY CARE?! I mean seriously! They’re arguing over a completely unimportant tidbit of a f*cking abstract concept! What does it matter who started the damn thing? How does Nikki having started it make it any different than if Paige started it?!
Charlotte cut an awesome promo about “what the Divas Revolution is really about” (aside from that line about “us all believing in each other.” F*ck that Disney Channel bullsh*t. You’re supposed to be athletes competing against each other in a combat sport!)
It finally looks like we’re going to get a f*cking fight, but then Paige showed up to talk some more. She has decided to take this conversation back to the whole “who started the Divas Revolution?” bullsh*t. They brawled some and all of a sudden Becky, Charlotte, and Paige are back on the same side again.
The Miz appears to have completely vanished so again I ask: what was the point of having him out here in the first place?

TEAM BELLA vs. BECKY LYNCH, CHARLOTTE, & PAIGE- 5.5/10
Cole tells us that this match was made by Kane during the commercial break. So we come to the first decision Kane has to make during his job evaluation and they don’t even show it to us?
So Paige turns heel last week and we still can’t get something other than these pointless redundant tag matches between factions? Why in the world would anyone want to take credit for starting this insufferable fiasco? It’s one thing to take credit for starting the space program. Taking credit for starting the Divas Revolution is like being proud of yourself for starting the Donner Party.
Charlotte gets accidentally shoved into Paige so Paige walks off. Nattie comes out to yell at Paige, then, for some reason, she gets up on the apron as if she thought she would be allowed to sub in in the middle of the match. This was done so that Paige could attack her from behind, causing a distraction to allow Nikki to hit Charlotte with the Rack Attack and pin her.


KANE, ROLLINS, & THE HR LADY- stupid and boring.
If Rollins wants to prove that Kane has made the working environment unsafe, why doesn’t he just show the HR lady footage of Kane assaulting someone? WWE has loads on that in their archives. Surely Seth can just boot up his laptop, open up the WWE Network and show her, right?
And if the answer to that question is “that sort of thing happens all of the time in wrestling. That doesn’t count as making it an ‘unsafe working environment,’” then what ground does Seth have to stand on at all?
Kane gives Rollins the “severed head” of his statue. Kane claims he went to the landfill and dug it up. Yeah. That’s an effective use of your time. The HR woman calls this “very considerate.” Kane makes a terribly corny joke. The HR lady laughs at it.

THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS vs. THE WYATT FAMILY (Luke Harper & Braun Strowman)- 0.25/10
Five weeks ago, the Prime Time Players were the WWE Tag Team Champions. Today, they are back to being chumps. Darren in particular was made to look quite weak. I think the only offense he got in was breaking up a pin.
Bray is not out here like he usually would be because… um… I guess he has to prepare for his big match in the feud that will never end.

Speaking of feuds that will never end…
STARDUST vs. NEVILLE- 3/10
And speaking of people who should be at ringside but aren’t there without any sort of explanation… where are Stardust’s new lackeys, The Ascension?
They did stuff, then Wade Barrett, King of the Jobbers, showed up and attacked them both for the double DQ… which means that this Barrett vs. Neville feud IS STILL GOING ON.

THE RESULTS OF KANE’S EVALUATION ARE- A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, ATROCIOUS FLAMING PILE OF HORSE SH*T.
Things are immediately interrupted by Rollins, who has compiled a video package of Kane doing terrible things, including giving Daniel Bryan a tombstone piledriver onto the ringsteps and then kicking over his stretcher, and shoving a wheelchair-bound Zack Ryder off of a stage. I then realized that these are actually pretty darn tame compared to things Kane has done which Rollins didn’t include in this video package, such as ATTACHING SHANE MCMAHON’S TESTICLES TO A CAR BATTERY, RAPING LITA, and LIGHTING JIM ROSS ON FIRE (never mind that time he shot lighting at a ringside attendant just to prove that he could).
Seth then rambled on about how last week Kane tried to drag him to hell through a hole in the ring. I did laugh at Rollins claiming that the pope told him he was going to heaven. I assume he meant Pope Francis, not D’Angelo Dinero, although it would be fantastic if he meant the latter.
Kane apparently had a video package prepared just in case he needed to prove Seth was being mean, so he ordered the guys in the truck to play his video.
The HR lady concludes that Kane is perfectly sound of mind and body, which is utterly f*cking ridiculous when you consider the fact that he claims to have no memory of assaulting Seth Rollins at Night of Champions when there is VIDEO OF EVIDENCE OF HIM DOING IT! How the f*ck did this evaluation not include anything about that?!
But because Seth Rollins must be made to look like a punk at every turn, not only does the HR lady give Kane a glowing review, but she goes on a tirade against Seth, calling him, among other things “the single most unprofessional person I have met during my time at WWE.” This cannot possibly be true. Alicia Fox used to dump drinks on people and steal things from people at ringside. Jerry Lawler spends all day trying to get himself over with his dumb jokes and pervy comments instead of actually doing his job. Brock Lesnar learned that he wasn’t getting his rematch exactly when he wanted it, so he went on a rampage, assaulting everyone in sight. Referee John Cone conspired with The Authority to lie about a fast count to discredit Daniel Bryan and screw him out of the WWE Title. What about Paige’s whiny bitch-fest in the middle of Charlotte’s celebration last week. Maybe this Ashley woman was only hired this morning?

Rollins got in Kane’s face, but then dropped the title belt. Kane bent down to pick it up for no reason, so Rollins hooked in a double underhook- he didn’t even kick Kane first or anything- and then hit him with a Pedigree. Rollins then attacked Kane with a chair and Pillmanizered his ankle.
So this whole f*cking “Kane is getting an evaluation” angle wasted a bunch of time and led to nothing. You want Rollins to attack Kane and Pillmanizer his ankle? How about having them team together in a match and then turning on him? You know, like what they’d do on a wrestling show?

So Kane gets put on a stretcher and loaded into an ambulance Rollins is cutting this promo… and then the ambulance stops and the doors open in a puff of smoke and Kane emerges, wearing his gear. He sells his ankle for a few steps, but then stops. He comes out to the ring and he’s no-selling chairshots because now he’s THEDEMONKANE™. He beats Rollins up and gives him a chokeslam, but Seth slips away from the tombstone because I guess they think that will get him heat.
Whoever wrote this segment should have been flogged, fired, and then thrown off the roof of Titan Towers for suggesting it.
WWE put THIS on the air… and come Wednesday morning, the pea-brained sh*t-cicles that run this company are going to be baffled as to why this show will get a terrible rating.

BRAY WYATT PROMO- He says he will grant Roman’s request to leave Harper and Strowman in the back just because he feels like it.

BO DALLAS vs. RANDY ORTON- squash
So much for those rumors that WWE was going to give Bo a small push and let him develop more of an edge.

KEVIN OWENS vs. RUSEV (w/Summer Rae)- no rating.
They quickly brawl right into Ryback, who was on commentary. A DQ was caused when Ryback defended himself against Rusev. The heels beat Ryback up until Dolph came out to make the save, superkicking Rusev and chasing Owens away.

HEYMAN & BIG SHOW SEGMENT- eh.

ROMAN REIGNS vs. BRAY WYATT (w/the Wyatt Family)- 6/10
Turns out Bray lied and brought out his pals. Roman called Bray a b*tch, so Bray sent his dudes to the back. Well… that was a waste of time.
They went to a double count-out and kept brawling, ending in a big bump through the Spanish announce table.

I guess I was just being naïve, but they somehow had me convinced that this would actually be the end of this feud, so I was a little annoyed when it went to a double count-out.

A bad episode of Raw. Watch the stuff at the beginning with Cena, New Day, and the Dudleys, but after that do yourself a huge favor and shut it off.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
Byron Saxton says that Cena “prides himself on his open challenges” and while Seth Rollins was champion “he had that taken away from him.”
Why? Why couldn’t he just walk out and issue an open challenge without the title on the line?

[NWK2000]

Didn't the Dudleys always do the Wazzap in front of the ref? I don't seem to ever remember the ref being distracted.

[Big Red Machine]

Didn't the Dudleys always do the Wazzap in front of the ref? I don't seem to ever remember the ref being distracted.

I'm pretty sure they always tried to make sure he was distracted. And even if they never did before that doesn't mean that they shouldn't start doing it now. It is a blatant low bow and therefore illegal.