BRM Reviews the 7/6/2015 Raw (CENA VS. CESARO AGAIN! AND IT'S EVEN BETTER!)

[Big Red Machine]

PAUL HEYMAN PROMO- decent. I thought it dragged on a bit too long, though.

To assure us that Kane is “on vacation in Hawaii” they show us a bunch of embarrassingly poorly photo-shopped picture. Then they promised us pictures from the Stoogerweights road trip. Hey. Remember that show you did two days ago and how great it was and how people seemed to like it? Why don’t you try doing something like that?

BIG SHOW vs. RYBACK- 5/10
They have a decent match while Miz is at ringside annoying them. Miz then jumps them both for a double DQ. The two giants get up and Miz gets taken out because he apparently only thinks in one dimension and didn’t realize that he could run either towards or away from the hardcam, where the two giants weren’t standing. Dumbass.

MORE KANE PICS- they should be embarrassed to be wasting airtime with this.

MERCURY & NOBLE BURY WRIGLEY FIELD- cheap heat for the locals, but fun for the rest of us who are lucky to not be Cubs fans.

PAIGE vs. BRIE BELLA (w/Alicia Fox & Nikki Bella)- 3.75/10
Those “Team Bella” shirts look so cheap. Like someone took a red t-shirt and wrote “Team Bella” on it in magic marker. If Alicia Fox is wearing that, then that’s fine because she’s the lackey, but Brie and Nikki shouldn’t be wearing them.
The match was okay for what it was, but the finish feels like a step back. I’d have had Paige lock Brie in the PTO (which REALLY needs a better name) and have Fox and Nikki jump in for the DQ. I did like the beatdown, though, as it (combined with Cole’s commentary) did a good job of showing that no one wanted to come out to help Paige.

ROMAN REIGNS vs. SHEAMUS- 5.5/10
They were having a fine match until we got this idiotic finish which saw Bray take over the lights and Bray did his entrance so Roman went to punch him… but it was really a Bray Wyatt impersonator in a wig. Then Bray showed up on the TitanTron and said “anyone but you, Roman. Anyone but you.” Roman obviously lost by count-out, and Bray Wyatt has become SOOOO frustrating that I almost wish the character had never existed because these dumbsh*t bookers can literally only think of two things to do with the guy. Either he takes over the Tron and distracts you or he teleports to ringside and attacks you. They’ve been through both of these angles TWICE already in this feud, (and that’s not counting whatever they’ve done on Smackdown) and we’re only and we’re only four weeks in. This sucks SOOOOOO much. Just like everything Bray is involved in. And it is completely and totally the fault of WWE creative and in no Bray the fault of Bray himself, which makes it even more frustrating.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Orton showed up to fight with Sheamus and laid him out with an RKO.

HUNTER & ROLLINS BACKSTAGE- they talk strategy about how to deal with Brock. It was very boring.
They teased Seth doing something “unconventional,” which would be to “intentionally provoke the beast.” Please make this segment end! Are we absolutely sure this is the same promotion that just gave us The Beast in the East?

RUSEV PROMO- as if this angle couldn’t get any more heavy-handed, they had Rusev refer to Summer Rae as “always hot and submissive.” Well… at least it will probably lead to some kinky fanfic. Rusev had some lame dialogue, but then Dolph came out, and the first thing he said was “I know your ankle’s broken, but is your brain broken, too?” I swear to G-d he actually said that! Summer had visibly strain not to laugh at this line.
Dolph then said that everything Rusev got in the WWE was due to Lana. OH COME ON! I guess all of those wrestling matches that Rusev won didn’t matter in any way and certainly didn’t help him earn championship matches. I will be quite shocked if this doesn’t win Worst Feud of the Year.
Dolph then makes out with Rusev’s ex in front of him, just to be a douchebag.
In BY FAR the best part of this, the ladies have a staredown, then take off their heels as a prelude to the fight the way hockey players will drop their gloves… but then the dudes stepped in the way. Then that dastardly Rusev turned around and hit Dolph with his crutch… except that instead of being outraged, I actually popped because Dolph SO TOTALLY DESERVED THIS!
Rusev also hit his big superkick with the boot on. Lana went to check on Ziggler, but Summer grabbed her from behind and dumped her out of the ring so Rusev could kick Dolph’s ass some more. This would have been such a great angle if they hadn’t spent the past few weeks doing things that made me despise the babyfaces and feel sorry for the heels. No babyfaces came out to help Dolph because he’s such an unbearable asshole.
Dolph wound up getting stretchered off.


BO DALLAS PROMO- he says that what happened to Dolph is proof that bad things do happen to bad people. And he’s right.

DEAN AMBROSE vs. BO DALLAS- 2.25/10
Pretty big pop for Bo Dallas. Nothing compared to Dean’s, obviously, but quite big for a jobber. HOLY F*CK BO’S CHANTS ARE JUST AS LOUD AS AMBROSE’S!
The match was very short, but the crowd made it fun.

WADE BARRETT vs. R-TRUTH- 4.75/10
This feud has gone nowhere. Please end it.

ROLLINS & LESNAR SEGMENT- eh.
Rollins & the Stoogerweights show up with axe handles and Rollins cuts a promo and calls Brock “Heyman’s bitch.” Brock one-upped them by grabbing an ACTUAL AXE! INCLUDING THE AXE-HEAD from the fire safety equipment box. Then he got a second one and destroyed Jamie and Joey’s new car.
I was not a fan of this (aside from the part where Brock took the door off with his bare hands. The stooges tried to defend their car but Brock broke Jamie’s arm with the Kimura and Mercury took a suplex onto the hood. Rollins stood in the ring like a chicken. Brock charged at Rollins but Rollins ran away. Brock posed with the belt.

LUCHA DRAGONS vs. THE NEW DAY (w/Xavier Woods)- 5.25/10
Fun match, but PTP, entertaining as they are, are not cut out for commentary. They just talk too fast.

WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: John Cena(c) vs. Kevin Owens-
Cena cut his standard pre-match promo, then Owens came out and buried Cena’s promo, much to the approval of the Chicago crowd. They were about to have their match but then Cesaro came out and said that he should be the one challenging Cena instead. Owens decided to let Cesaro have the match so we once again got…
WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: John Cena(c) vs. Cesaro- 9.5/10
Cesaro used the crossface and Michael Cole called it as such.
TOTALLY AWESOME MATC- GET THE CAMERA OFF OF THE CAR YOU DUMB F*CKS!
Now where was I? Oh yeah. This was even better than last week’s match! They had me biting on random sh*t like the crossfaces and the superplex and Cena’s leg drop as possible finishes.
There was some Cena-Owens stuff after the match but I was on such a high from the match that it didn’t register with me.

An okay show with ONE F*CKING HELL OF A MUST-SEE MAIN EVENT!