BRM Reviews the 6/29/2015 Raw (CENA VS. CESARO!)

[Big Red Machine]

I really didn’t like the goofy music in the beginning of the video package.

OPENING SEGMENT- Rollins said that last week, he “took a trip to Suplex City and burned it to the ground”… which I’m pretty sure is almost word for word what he said on Smackdown. Rollins puts Kane and the stoogerweights over. He gives them Apple watches, and sets Kane up with a vacation to Hawaii. There are (probably) kayfabe Hawaiians in the ring doing stereotypical stuff. We’re twelve minutes into the show at this point and it’s absolutely terrible.
Well… Kane ALMOST saved his when he said that he has always wanted to lay on the beach and “debate what living animal I could throw into the middle of a volcano.”
Seth now wants to change tonight’s main event (Kane & Rollins vs. Ambrose & Reigns) to be a no DQ’s match.
Now he’s giving Jamie and Joey a new Cadillac 2015 CTS. Lots of overacting. This is back to being utterly terrible.

BIG SHOW vs. MARK HENRY- DUD! Just for Mark Henry losing in two minutes. If there was any way to do that, two of Big Show’s knockout punches would be it, but the previous segment put me in a bad mood, so I’ll give it a dud.
Miz was on commentary and Ryback ran in during a post-match segment, and Miz gave Ryback a big boot, so Ryback is demanding that their match, which is scheduled for later tonight, be moved to right now.

RYBACK vs. THE MIZ- 2/10
Ryback wins a boring match by count-out when Miz runs away.

PAIGE vs. ALICIA FOX (w/the Bella Twins)- 4.75/10
A much needed burst of action after the way the last two matches went, and a great finish for this point in the feud. It just felt like EXACTLY what needed to happen.

JOHN CENA HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR THE “SPORTS HUMANITARIAN OF THE YEAR” AWARD- If Henrik Lundqvist jobs to Cena, I’m going to be REALLY pissed.

WAIT… WHAT THE F*CK?! THEY’RE DOING OWENS VS. CENA III RIGHT NOW?! WITH NO NOTICE WHATSOEVER?!
Or not. It turns out Owens was just trolling everyone. Instead, we’re getting…

WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: John Cena(c) vs. Cesaro- 9/10
This was one of those matches where you knew in your head that Cesaro wasn’t winning… but then every time he got a nearfall in you completely forgot that.
NO! NO! NO! F*CKING…. GAH!
This was an awesome match spoiled by a DQ finish. I know that they set it up with Owens’ comments that he would be the one to take the title from Cena and I know I should be thrilled at how strongly they put Cesaro over (the implication being that Cena was going to tap if Owens hadn’t interfered), but I was just SOOOOOO hoping we’d get a clean finish here.
Maybe this is meant as a way to build Cesaro into the title match so neither Cena nor Owens need to eat the pin. That’s the best we can hope for.
Owens laid both guys out after causing the DQ.

BRAY WYATT PROMO- eh
Do they really think this “anyone but you” deal with Roman is really a good idea. Isn’t that exactly the type of sentiment they’re trying to get out of the fans’ heads?

LUCHA DRAGONS & THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS vs. THE NEW DAY & BO DALLAS- 6.75/10
New Day & Bo Dallas?! Now THAT is a perfect pairing. I’m just baffled that we didn’t get any backstage segments with these guys first.
Did they really just skip the TAG CHAMPS entrance?
WWE needs more of these big, fun, long tag matches.

THE BEAST IN THE EAST COMMERCIAL- good

ZIGGLER & LANA “GO PUBLIC”- so… are they gonna bone on live TV?
Okay… we’re five seconds in and I already despise this.
Lana says that she used to do whatever Rusev told her to do. I guess we’re just supposed to forget that she was the one who always used to give the orders. Remember “Rusev: CRUSH!” and all of that? And why are they crapping on continuity? To make Rusev look like the bad guy in this totally non-sensical break-up when Lana has been the one acting like the jerk this whole time.
Also, if Rusev was so dictatorial and was controlling her wardrobe, why has there been no change in the way she dresses since she dumped him?
Then Rusev came out… with Summer Rae, who is a million times hotter than Lana, and a more versatile promo. Then Rusev started insulting Lana in utterly hilarious ways. He called her a “how you say… cold fish,” and said that “kissing you is like kissing this ringpost over there.” Speaking of which… were they ever in any way acknowledged as a couple at any point before they had their break-up.

Dolph takes this affront to his woman by threatening to attack a one-legged man. Said one-legged man, who is supposed to be the villain mind you, throws his crutch away like a total badass and valiantly offers to fight this bully. Then he backs off… but there’s no shame in that because he only has one leg.
Summer Rae then cut a great promo on Lana, calling her a gold-digger. Lana laughed these accusations off, much like a villainess would. Then Summer slapped her and I popped huge. Then Lana basically started to cry like a pussy before getting angry and charging at Summer for a sh*tty cat-fight.

DEAN & ROMAN BACKSTAGE- good

SHEAMUS vs. NEVILLE- 6.5/10

JACK SWAGGER vs. WADE BARRETT- 0.5/10
King Barrett has decreed that all of his opponents must bow down at his feet before every match. Somehow, these guys missed THE BEST possible start to this match, which would have been for Swagger to do just that… and while he’s down there, to pick Wade’s ankle and go for the Patriot Act. Instead they had a pointlessly short match.

NO DISQUALIFICATIONS MATCH: Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose vs. Kane & Seth Rollins (w/Joey Mercury & Jamie Noble)- 6.25/10
Just when Roman started to run wild, Bray Wyatt used his magic to teleport to ringside and assaulted Roman. For some reason a bunch of referees came out to tell him to stop, even though this is a No DQ’s match. Kane and Rollins used the numbers game to dispatch Dean soon after.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- The heels want to put Dean through a table. Roman gets up to make the save, but he eats a chokeslam. Roman made another comeback, but the Authority regrouped and beat him up once again and he ate another chokeslam. This went on for WAY too long before Seth finally gave Roman the Buckle Bomb through a table in the corner. Then Seth gave him a Pedigree and the Authority celebrated.
Then Bray showed up and hit Roman with Sister Abigail. WAY too long.

Quite the up-and-down Raw. The first forty minutes were DREADFUL, but then we got a fun women’s match followed by a lot of good stuff that actually got me excited for the main event… only for that to be disappointing.

[KILLdozer]

I read something as just a possible thought that what if-Rusev and Lana were just ultimately working everyone? All as a way of showing how "America will believe anything because of stupid naivety and guillabilty.", and so on. Even use Summer Rae and Ziggler's hair color for stupid blonde remarks. It's something I'm backing strongly with the thought process. I could be very wrong too and I'm fully aware of that possibility.

I feel they missed not only the greatest opportunity for that last night-because the heck with "face Lana",-being in DC with July 4th arriving so close. Maybe not even on the same wave length but-there was definitely emotion for each in their eyes last night when they were clashing with Summer Rae and Ziggler. Lana when he was gonna fight Ziggler-concern and maybe even fear-and Rusev appeared that he didn't want to see Rae say hurtful and insulting things to her.

Something's coming-it has to because this just isn't working properly.