BRM Reviews the 5/1/2015 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

STREET FIGHT: Davey Richards & The Hardys vs. The Revolution (Abyss, Manik, & Khoya)- 5.75/10
Meh. Al Snow has joined Josh on commentary, and he is terrible. Just a bunch of clichés and failed attempts at jokes. He’s about as insightful to each particular match as the standard pre-recorded is to each particular match in a Smackdown vs. Raw game. And the SvR commentary was funnier.

HOLY SH*T IT’S THE AMERICAN BAD-ASS!
Wait. No. It’s James Storm. He is apparently pissed at Abyss for losing.

Josh calls Al “the legendary Al Snow.” I’m calling bullsh*t. Just because you wrestled for a long time does not by default make you a legend. They engage in… whatever you call banter if it’s not funny, then they run down the card for tonight, which will include Kurt Angle vs. Eric Young in a STRETCHER MATCH. Why the f*ck is this a stretcher match?

ANDERSON TEASES DUMB SH*T- well he’s in a shirt and a tie, so I assume he’ll be copying Ethan’s idea from last week, except unlike Ethan, who was mostly funny, Anderson will be mostly unfunny.

BILLY CORGAN ANNOUNCEMENT- the first headline they show reads “Billy Corgan wants to flip professional wrestling on ear,” which would mean that something is currently wrong with wrestling, so way to bury the whole industry.
Now let’s look at this announcement from a kayfabe point of view: What the hell does it mean to be on “creative?” And how the hell will Billy Corgan, musician, help a wrestlers develop their talents?

While watching the replay of EC II and Anderson’s brawl last week, Al Snow asked “why can’t we have our politics like that all the time?,” which prompted me to scream “SHUT UP AND DIE, AL!” at my TV. He has only been on commentary for fifteen minutes at this point.

ANDERSON & EC III SEGMENT- bad.
Anderson comes out with his own podium set-up just like Ethan from last week, and he says that the thing he cares about doing the most is kicking Ethan’s ass. Then Ethan comes out to the ring and Ken makes no move whatsoever to try to kick Ethan’s ass.
Anderson says that Ethan “campaigning” for a title shot is stupid, and he’s right. BUT… if Ethan has been un-pinned and un-submitted for over a year and a half at this point and still hasn’t received a title shot, what avenues are left for him to explore to get one?
Anderson says he wants to break Ethan’s undefeated streak on May 8th (which is apparently next week) and they are going to let the fans vote on the stips. Then they never told us how to vote.

LADDER MATCH FOR THE TNA X-DIVISION TITLE: Rockstar Spud(c) vs. Kenny King vs. Tigre Uno vs. Mandrews- 4.25/10
Anyone know how many televised wins Tigre Uno has had in TNA? TWO. Just two. And when was the most recent of those wins? OVER A YEAR AGO! And yet, in the past year he has received FIVE X-Division Title matches, two #1 contendership matches, a qualifying match for the tag titles, and a spot on a #1 contendership match for the World Heavyweight Title!
Mandrews is also in this match. He has a grand total of ONE win, and that wasn’t even in a singles match. So why are these guys in this match? Because, for some reason they decided that they HAD to do a ladder match, and thus they HAD to have a bunch of guys in there to fly around and do spots. And it’s not like anyone would think that either of those two had a chance of winning, either. They’ve just jobbers. Why not just make it Kenny vs. Spud and protect the integrity of the title? Or even better, just do it as a singles match and both protect the integrity of the title as well as not cheapen the ladder match?
Oh, who am I kidding? If they did those things, they wouldn’t be TNA.

YOUR STIP CHOICES FOR ANDERSON VS. EC III ARE…
A Falls Count Anywhere match or… A F*CKING ARM WRESTLING MATCH!

ERIC YOUNG VS. KURT ANGLE VIDEO PACKAGE- would have been great for a regular title match. Unfortunately for TNA, this is a non-title stretcher match. And speaking of stretcher matches and this here video package, here is a nice rule of thumb: If you want to book a stretcher match and you can’t don’t have any footage of the wrestlers involved either causing someone to be stretchered off or threatened to beat someone so badly they’ll have to be stretchered off, THEN THE MATCH SHOULDN’T BE A F*CKING STRETCHER MATCH!

ERIC YOUNG PROMO- boring and bad. He claims to have put everyone who stood between him and the title on a stretcher. When the f*ck did that happen? And if it did, why the hell wasn’t it on the video package?

KENNY KING & THE BDC PROMO- awesome.

SPUD PROMO- AWESOME!

DOLLHOUSE VIDEO PACKAGE- terrible. I get what they’re going for. It’s just lame, and Taryn doesn’t fit in at all.

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Taryn Terrell(c) (w/the Dollhouse) vs. Brooke- 3.5/10
Taryn is SOOOO out of place here. I know I’ve said that every single time they’ve been on screen, but that’s because it just jumps out at me every time. Also, why does their entrance tell me that “it’s playtime” when the video package ended with Taryn saying “playtime’s over?” Mixed messages.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT-
After the match, Jade and Marti Belle hit Brooke with a lame-looking version of the Spirit Squad finish. Then Taryn says no one can beat her. Then Gail Kim came out and she and Taryn had an interaction that shows just how great a heel Taryn could be if she is allowed to do what comes naturally to her and ACT NORMALLY rather than having to try to act and talk like a weirdo, which comes off as forced and unbelievable.
They set up well for Gail and Kong taking on the Dollhouse.

SLAMMIVERSARY COMMERCIAL- a real PPV! Of course, they’re doing it in Orlando where they can’t make any gate but… you know… babysteps.

PIPE ON A POLE MATCH: Low Ki vs. Drew Galloway- 6.75/10
Wow. I’m surprised it took Al this long to needlessly criticize the psychology in a match. Thankfully Josh quickly put him in his place.
The match was good, but I have one major criticism: no one ever hit anyone with the pipe!

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- The BDC come out to beat Drew down, then the Rising come out to make the save.

MICKIE JAMES/JAMES/STORM MAGNUS VIDEO PACKAGE- good as a recap video, aside from the random shots of Mickie wading through a field of flowers. They looked like an excerpt from a tampon commercial.

MAGNUS’ CAMERA CREW STALKS MICKIE JAMES- James Storm is apparently stalking Mickie, too. Um… doesn’t Mickie watch the show? Doesn’t she know that James Storm is an evil cult leader?
JAMES STORM & MAGNUS SEGMENT- bad
Has it ever been explained what would be so terrible if Mickie had one more match? Typical poor TNA storytelling where the characters are both too dumb to watch the show and too dumb to talk to each other because that would easily solve their problems and then we wouldn’t have a story.

KURT ANGLE PROMO- eh.

STRETCHER MATCH: Eric Young vs. Kurt Angle- 6.75/10
A good match that felt like I would have been a lot better with actual nearfalls instead of this stupid “buckle the other guy on the stretcher” gimmick.

An okay show from TNA. There was some good stuff, but also from frustratingly bad stuff. And Al Snow NEEDS to go.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Al Snow- “What do you think Tigre Uno means in English?”
Remember, kids: a great way to make a first impression is to do your best to come off like a f*cking idiot.
2. Al Snow tried to claim that the mat felt like sandpaper. This statement was so stupid that it caused Josh to burst out laughing.