BRM Reviews the 3/13/2015 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE- good, although I think calling EC III and Spud a “long-time friendship” is ridiculous because 1) they met less than eighteen months ago, and 2) they were never friends. EC III just used Spud as a gofer and human shield the whole time.

Also… Roode and EY are having a Last Man Standing match? Um… maybe we should have taken the time to build up this? Or at least promote it?

LAST MAN STANDING MATCH: Eric Young vs. Bobby Roode- 7.25/10
The build was non-existent, but at least the match was great. They did a great job of escalating the violence throughout, and the build around the piledriver worked very well (even if the finish was something else).

SPUD & JB BACKSTAGE- bad
Spud said that he didn’t care if he got his ass kicked or his if he got his head shaved, because the real victory is in simply standing up to a rich bully like EC III. Well if that’s the case, then why should I care about the outcome of the match? Or even anything past the first thirty seconds?

ANGLE VS. LASHLEY COMMERCIAL- wow. There is no communication at all between creative and the people doing the commercial. At least I’m assuming that’s the case, but because I don’t think even TNA creative would do something so dumb as approve a commercial for a standard wrestling match that ends with the phrase “last man standing takes the belt.”

DREW GALLOWAY PROMO- *copies and pastes rant from last week about how stupid and fifth-rate this whole “take back professional wrestling” sh*t is.*

GALLOWAY & MVP PROMO- bad. References to stuff in WWE years ago. MVP then says he’ll send the rest of the BDC to the back… which is exactly what happened in last week’s Drew vs. King match, and then the BDC came out anyway. Why should Drew believe him?

MVP vs. DREW GALLOWAY- 3/10
You’ll never guess what happened. The BDC came out and attacked Drew for the DQ. Then they beat the sh*t out of him, and let’s all take a moment to think about this: Drew’s gimmicks is that he is trying to save TNA and save pro wrestling from people who are trying to control who the champions are (or something like that)- people like the BDC. If pro wrestling is endangered by such people, then doesn’t fighting them become some sort of moral imperative? SO WHY ISN’T ANYONE HELPING DREW?!
What the hell? Did Joe just turn babyface? Oh. No. It’s just a stupid, pointless swerve.

MICKIE & MAGNUS BACKSTAGE- very good.

EC III VS. SPUD VIDEO PACKAGE- okay

EC III PROMO- more of this damn “I’m undefeated” sh*t. And it’s not like he only lost once or something. According this week’s Observer, he lost TWENTY TIMES in 2014 (and only won thirty). And even without that, the promo was dull.

MAGNUS vs. BRAM- 4/10
Taz and Josh can’t keep straight where Bram hit Magnus with the cue-ball. Taz is saying the back of the head (which is what it looked like to me, too) while Josh is saying it’s the back of the neck (I guess it’s supposed to be like Triple H and HBK with the sledgehammer and we’re supposed to believe Bram was trying to end his career by paralyzing him). I’m assuming that Taz is correct because he really sounds like he’s just reading from a script. Either way, this is the sort of f*ck-up that’s inexcusable for a pre-taped show.
For some reason, Josh is claiming that Magnus can’t rely on his lower body in this match. They seem to be working just fine to me.
They brawl for a while, and Bram works over the back of Magnus’ head. Mickie comes out to cheer Magnus on, but Bram hits a blatant low blow for the DQ.

POST-MATCH ANGLE- TERRIBLE!
Bram attacks Magnus with a chair, while, for some reason Mickie James is being prevented from getting into the ring to make the save by verbal commands from Brian Hebner. He’s just a f*cking referee! Why the hell doesn’t Mickie just push him out of the way?
So we’ve Bram beating the crap out of Magnus with a chair and going to get other weapons while Mickie and Hebner are basically doing a “babyface partner is accidentally distracting the referee” spot even though it’s not a match. Bram then zip-ties Magnus to the ropes. This is the same Bram that is telling us tried to end Magnus’ career… and no one comes out to try to save him. Is there no security around here at all? We know they’ve got at least two other referees? Where the hell are they?
So Hebner finally tries to stop Bram, but takes a horribly unbelievable-looking ref bump off of a mere shove. Mickie then goes to protect Magnus with her body but Bram drags her off by the hair like she’s some helpless valet and not a three-time TNA Knockouts Champion. She breaks free and slaps him, but then he catches her in a headlock and she’s back to struggling like a valet again. Bram is holding her with just one arm. Meanwhile, her elbow is dangling right by his crotch and I’m all but screaming “JUST ELBOW HIM IN THE DICK!”
Then Bram threatened to beat up Mickie unless Magnus kissed his boots. Yeah. Why the f*ck does Bram want Magnus to kiss his boots? This isn’t Bret Hart vs. Jerry Lawler where Lawler wants to humiliate Bret. It’s a dangerous, psychotic street thug who has sworn vengeance upon his former friend for a perceived abandonment. He wants to make Magnus’ like miserable, not force him to kiss his feet under duress.
So Bram goes over to Magnus and lifts his boot up and let’s Magnus grab a hold of his ankle, at which point I stopped screaming “JUST ELBOW HIM IN THE DICK!” and instead screamed “YOU’RE A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER! PUT HIM IN A F*CKING ANKLE LOCK!”
But Magnus kisses Bram’s boot and apparently we’re supposed to feel angry because Magnus has been humiliated, except that this wouldn’t have happened if both of our babyfaces weren’t so f*cking pathetic.
And in case anyone thinks this angle is drawing in any new fans, my sister, who is not a wrestling fan, was in the room and was giggling “what the f*ck is going on? This is so weird.” this entire time, so it’s failure on that count, too.


BEAT DOWN CLAN PROMO- boring.

BROOKE vs. ROBBIE E. (w/Jesse Godderz, Angelina Love, & Zema Ion)- DUD!
We’re supposed to be taking this feud seriously and be angry at Robbie for the mean things he has said about Brooke (which, as far as I can tell, is that he is blaming her for their loss on the Amazing Race, which just makes Brooke, the supposed babyface, look really petty), and yet this match is being played for comedy. Then Brooke won when Jesse accidentally hit Robbie with a standing dropkick. Yes. A dropkick. And then they had to wait for the ref to get into position before she applied a crappy jackknife hold and we’re supposed to believe that Robbie couldn’t get a shoulder up despite the immense size difference between them.
My sister described Zema Ion’s hair as looking like “a parrot died on his head.”

ANGLE VS. LASHLEY VIDEO PACKAGE- okay,

HAIR VS. HAIR MATCH: Rock star Spud vs. Ethan Carter III- 7/10
My sister was in complete and total disbelief that someone chose “Spud” as a name.
As we returned to the first commercial break in this match we got a disclaimer that this program might contain violent and graphic images that might be unsuitable for some viewers. Yes. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MAIN EVENT. Shouldn’t this happen BEFORE the show. Or, for that matter, EVERY SHOW.
So apparently now they have to go to black and white because of the blood… sometimes. They were horribly inconsistent with when they went gray it was very annoying.
Why was the testicular claw not a DQ?
The match was very good for what it was, felt like a HUGE deal, and could be a good launching point for Spud’s new direction.
Then Ethan wasted our time with a stupid, pointless swerve. All it did was just give Spud more time to recover.
AND THEN HE DIDN’T EVEN FINISH SHAVING SPUD! BOOOOO!!!!


The opener was great, the main event was good, and everything else stunk. It did feel like a big show, though, but that just makes it more disappointing that things (especially the Magnus vs. Bram stuff) sucked.

Oh. And no mention of the top five at all this week.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Josh Matthews- “Bram’s actions towards Magnus were tantamount to ending his career.”
What? Why? Because he jumped him from behind in an alley? How long was Magnus off of TV? A month? COME ON! (and this sounded even dumber after we just saw Low Ki sandwich Drew’s head between a steel pipe and the ringpost.

[cero2k]

OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE- good, although I think calling EC III and Spud a “long-time friendship” is ridiculous because 1) they met less than eighteen months ago, and 2) they were never friends. EC III just used Spud as a gofer and human shield the whole time.

didn't they come in around the same time? and Spud was working with Dixie, maybe they could have known each other prior to TNA

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE- good, although I think calling EC III and Spud a “long-time friendship” is ridiculous because 1) they met less than eighteen months ago, and 2) they were never friends. EC III just used Spud as a gofer and human shield the whole time.

didn't they come in around the same time? and Spud was working with Dixie, maybe they could have known each other prior to TNA

The impression I got was that he was hired by her in October or whenever he showed up as a real character on TV for the first time.
But the "they were never friends" thing is a lot more important.