BRM Reviews the 1/16/2015 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING RECAP VIDEO- for some reason they didn’t show the extremely important part of the finish to the tag title match where Jeff Hardy, in trying to stop Abyss from using a weapon, bumped into Eddie Edwards. What they showed made it look like the Wolves just lost cleanly, which is anything but the case.
The rest of the recap video was good, but at this point I cannot help but become annoyed whenever I hear any TNA announcer wonder “why did Wrestler X just turn?”

TAZ & JOSH TELL US WHY TNA IS DIFFERENT- it’s the same bullsh*t about having cameras in places there supposedly weren’t any before, such as “the ‘Go’ Position” (Gorilla), and the same area we saw last week that was labelled “backstage,” which appears to just be security camera footage.

BOBBY ROODE PROMO- he’s pissed because EY cost him the TNA World Heavyweight Title. That’s good. Then he says that he doesn’t know why EY turned, but he’s “going to get to the bottom of it,” which came off horrifically corny. Then he challenged EY to a match for this week’s show.

They plug a Wolves vs. Hardys match, and decide that they need to have all four guys’ Twitter handles on the graphic. This includes Davey’s which uses his shoot first name.

MVP & HIS CREW COME OUT TO EXPLAIN THINGS- MVP says that Joe and Ki are his “family,” and have been ever since they worked together on the Florida indy scene. If this is true, then why did MVP (& Kenny King) feud with Joe right when MVP turned heel?
MVP announces that they are called the “Beatdown Clan” or “BDC.” This name is horribly stupid. As if to prove that, the best catchphrase he can come up with is to rip one off from the Wu Tang Clan, except he can’t say the f word on TV, so he comes off even lamer.
MVP then brought out EY, who he emphasized was not part of the stable. While EY was coming out, they showed us a graphic telling us that not only was the match Roode had asked for signed, but it was a No DQ’s match. That’s two weeks of TV and two No DQ’s matches so far. How many weeks do you think they’ll go before they have a week with no gimmick matches of any kind?
Personally, I didn’t like the graphic at all. The Twitter handles under the names annoy me, but I understand why they are there. I thought the poses they had looked really stupid, but I happen to be a bit of a traditionalist and absolutely love the simple graphic of the wrestlers in the match just posing, so others might like this more than me. I also thought that the background pattern and the way everything was laid out made it look way too much like a loading screen for a video game.

EY now has both his beard and a thin mohawk. He looks meaner from the sides, but from the front, he looks really stupid.
EY cut a promo explaining that he turned on Roode because he gave Roode a title shot during his title reign, but Roode didn’t return the favor. When was he supposed to do this, exactly? His first week as champion, Kurt gave MVP a title shot. His second week, he wasn’t at the show because he was doing promotional work for TNA. In his third week, EY got assaulted by Lashley, and in his fourth week as champion- last week- he defended the title against Lashley. I get that EY is a heel, but can we please give our heels some semblance of reasonability?
EY also claims that when he was in the hospital after Lashey beat him up, that Roode never visited him or even called him. He just sent him a text… which makes Roode, our top babyface, look like a HUGE asshole. EY then says that the only one who called him when he was in the hospital was MVP… so basically they’re ripping off Matt Taven joining the Kingdom in ROH.

MVP calls out Lashley but he doesn’t show up. Kurt Angle comes out instead and says that Roode will kick EY’s ass tonight. He also vows to make the whole stable tap out. Joe gets in Kurt’s face. Kurt punches Joe. The heels all get out of the ring to go after Kurt who heroically retreats up the ramp to hide behind security like a chicken-sh*t.
While our top faction is stopped in their tracks by just three members of wrestling show security, Kurt challenges Samoa Joe to a match “right now,” and right after Kurt closes his mouth, Josh Matthews tells us that the match will happen right after this commercial. How does Josh know this? There has been no time for this match to have been made official. Even if an authority figure was watching backstage and speaking into an earpiece in Josh’s ear, he wouldn’t have had time to tell Josh this between Kurt making the challenge the time Josh started talking.

SAMOA JOE vs. KURT ANGLE- 6/10
Yes, it’s Kurt vs. Joe in rematch of one of TNA’s two most famous feuds… and they give it away with no hype, before they have done anything on this new channel to establish Joe as anything more than a fat dude.
For the second straight week in this same situation, Josh was wrong again, as the match started before the commercial break ended.
During this match, Taz and Josh got word of something big happening backstage. They cut to a split-screen so we could this important event that was happening which was… a cameraman knocking on the door of Lashley’s dressing room, but Lashley wasn’t there. Yeah. That was really f*cking important.
Joe worked over Kurt’s knee, then it became every Kurt Angle TV match over the past three years with a million finisher kick-outs. Then we got a ref bump and a low blow from Joe (which neither announcer reacted to as if it was something illegal), allowing Joe to get the win by making Kurt tap. The BDC and Eric Young all came out to beat Kurt down afterwards. Why is EY out here?
Bobby Roode came out with a steel chair to make the save. Where has he been all night when his hated enemies have been standing out here in public? Why didn’t he come out to back Kurt up before?

BOBBY ROODE PROMO- Roode claims that EY was lying, but immediately before that, he declared that the only thing in the wrestling business that he loved was the world title, which makes him seem like a heel.

CUT TO JOSH & TAZ IN THE STUDIO- apparently Josh Matthews has a giant tattoo on his arm. I did not expect that. They plug Tenay’s show, then show us clips of…

MIKE TENAY INTERVIEWS MAGNUS- again… WHAT THE F*CK?!
First they turn Magnus babyface by having him say that he is now motivated by providing for his family and being a good role model to his son. Then, completely out of left field, he said he wouldn’t care if TNA fired him because he could just find a job wrestling elsewhere. So in the same segment that he turned babyface, Magnus randomly buried the company. Why am I even surprised by this anymore?

SPUD AND JB BACKSTAGE- JB is wearing a hat because he is ashamed of his baldness. This was pretty good.

#1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH: The Hardys vs. The Wolves- 7.5/10
James Storm’s stable watched this match from the balcony because… umm… they were scouting, and the best place to do that from is up in the balcony, a million miles away from the ring. They walked through an area with a bunch of empty seats. Then they did their pose, and some dork fan jumped in to pose with the scary heels. I was really hoping that James Storm would order Abyss to throw this loser over the balcony to his death.
Anyway, we’re getting Wolves vs. Hardys in a #1 contendership match right now. Didn’t the Hardys win a #1 contendership tournament towards the end of the Spike TV run and haven’t gotten their title shot yet?
Also, why are we getting this match right away? Where is our segment where Jeff tries to apologize to the Wolves, but Davey yells at him for costing them the match? Where is Matt jumping in and telling Davey if it wasn’t for Jeff, not only would the Wolves have lost the match, but Abyss would have carved them up, too? They have a perfectly logical reason to build up some animosity between babyfaces in anticipation of a big match… and they don’t take it?
The Hardys are showing off the latest Hardys t-shirts that you can get. The one Matt is wearing looks really cool. The one Jeff is wearing looks really lame.
Throughout the match, they had a spotlight shining on the area of the balcony where Storm’s Revolution was standing and watching the match. I found it to be extremely distracting. It also made the whole thing look way too much like a theater production.
They also kept cutting a to a split screen to show us Josh and Taz in the announcers booth which is completely totally in the Manhattan Center and certainly not in Nashville, Tennessee! Of course, Josh and Taz were both clearly looking up to see the actions, whereas the only place they could fit an announcers booth like the one they had here would be from ABOVE the action along the balcony, so… yeah. There was no reason for this to be on TV in the first place.
Wait… WHAT?! Taz just admitted that they were in Nashville now. Isn’t he show supposed to be kayfabe live? So wouldn’t the feed that we are getting with their commentary be a few seconds behind and thus not be live?
The match itself was great. The Wolves did Chasing the Dragon, except they hit a Falcon Arrow at the end instead. I have hereby named this move “Chasing the Wolf.” The Hardys won with a Twist of Fate version of The Naturals’ old Natural Disaster finisher.

They announced that next week would be Feast or Fired (so that’s at least three straight weeks with a gimmick match), but didn’t bother to explain what Feast or Fired is.

BRAM PROMO- terrible! He also talked about Feast or Fired without explaining what it was. He said that he would “be feasting” and that “[his] ass isn’t going to get fired.” Lame!
He then said that he and Magnus were so great they would collect all four briefcases. Then what he said finally sunk in on me how utterly stupid this statement was, and I laughed so hard that my sides hurt.

MVP & KENNY KING BACKSTAGE- dumb.
Despite all evidence to the contrary, MVP assured Kenny that Lashley was in their camp, but said he had a contingency plan just in case. Then EY showed up and said basically the same thing he said in the earlier segment about wanting to take everything from Roode. EY sounded crazy here, and MVP and Kenny both played that up. So Eric Young is crazy again. Because THAT will make for some good TV.

EC III ASKS IF HE AND TYRUS CAN DIRECT THE SHOW TONIGHT- yes. In the middle of a live TV show. And the f*cking idiots let these two guys who have NO EXPERIENCE WHATSOEVER, DIRECT THEIR LIVE TV SHOW.
BUT IT GETS WORSE!
Remember how JB was so ashamed of his baldness that he was wearing a hat before? Well that was in front of his closest friends in the world, who he has worked with for many years. When he goes out in public to the ring, though he is just sitting there without the hat on, in full view of an arena full of strangers.
EC III directed the camera to be on JB and challenged him to a match.
I have a question: what was supposed to be happening on the show during this time?
Also, which loser fans brought signs for Destination America that didn’t mention TNA at all?


NO DISQUALIFICATIONS MATCH: Eric Young vs. Bobby Roode- 4.5/10
The announcers repeat EY’s story of not getting a phone call from Roode in the hospital, but never once mentioned that Roode claimed that this was completely untrue.
Getting an interview with Lashley was apparently so important that it couldn’t wait until after this big grudge match. Lashley completely ignored the interviewer.
The match itself was very disappointing, considering all of the build. First they brawled. Then they did some chair stuff. Then EY hit Roode with a piledriver on a chair and pinned him without any outside help at all. So much for our top babyface. At least the announcers put over the piledriver onto a steel chair as being very dangerous.
Then the BDC (aside from Low Ki) came out and MVP cut what should have been EY’s promo.
I then realized that we are now a little over an hour into the show, and I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what matches or promos or anything are going to happen in the second hour of the show.

AUSTIN ARIES PROMO- good

KNOCKOUTS RECAP- they completely buried the belt as being nowhere near as important as the returns of Kong and Brooke. Also, Brooke might want to retrace the steps she took on the amazing race, because somewhere along the way she seems to have dropped her last name.

BROOKE PROMO- she’s sad because Robbie broke up with and blamed her for losing on Amazing Race when she says it’s his fault they lost. Does anyone watching Impact really give a sh*t?

TARYN TERRELL & BROOKE TESSMACHER vs. THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE (w/the Bro-Mans & DJ Zema)- 0.5/10
I don’t think I have ever seen gear designed to draw your eyes right to someone’s private parts as much as Brooke’s was tonight. Fun fact: this was Brooke’s first match on TNA TV in over fifteen months. This was never mentioned.
Taryn was decent. She was also the only person in this match I cared about.

POST-MATCH STUFF- the lights went out and Kong appeared. TBP ran at her one at a time and got their butts kicked. Same thing happened to DJ Z. Havok came out and they had another nose-to-nose but didn’t try to throw punches until security was already pulling them apart.

EC III & JB BACKSTAGE- you know what? Ethan made a good point. NO ONE came out to help JB last week. They will have a match next week.

FEAST OR FIRED VIDEO PACKAGE- short and good. There is absolutely no reason why they couldn’t have put this between the announcement and the Bram promo.

TWO CAMERA GUYS F*CK AROUND- why is this being shown on TV?
Oh. It’s so we can see Sanada come get them to bring them around the corner so we can see James Storm cut a promo in which he gives Mahabali Shera his new heel name: Khoya, which means “lost” in Hindi. He will debut in the ring next week.

FEAST OR FIRED VIDEO PACKAGE #2- also good, but it shouldn’t have been so close to the other one.

TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: Austin Aries(c) vs. Low Ki (w/the BDC)- 6.5/10
During this match, Josh Matthews insisted that the BDC were not just random hooligans, but rather a group with a point. What is that point? Why did Samoa Joe and Low Ki say “Yes, MVP. That we have known each other for a long time means that I will have no problem throwing away all of my morals to do your bidding.”
Ki wins the title back after heel shenanigans, ending Austin Aries’ FIFTH X-Division Title reign in the last year and a half. The grand total of these five title reigns has been 71 days. This title means sh*t at this point.

THE BDC (& EY, WHO DEFINITELY ISN’T PART OF THE GROUP) CALL OUT BOBBY LASHLEY- okay.
MVP claims credit for making Lahsley what he is and says that the title belongs to all of them. Lashley said the title belongs to him. The fans reacted to Lashley’s big babyface turn months in the making by… chanting for a local sports team.
Lashley called MVP by his shoot name, which doesn’t start with an M, thus breaking kayfabe. BOO! At least MVP managed to acknowledge it some way that didn’t make things worse. MVP finally agreed that they would go their separate ways, but it was obviously a set-up for a Beatdown Clan beatdown (which I only type to once again emphasize how stupid this name is).

A commercial apparently already knows that there will be an MVP vs. Lashley Street Fight next week, with actual footage of it.
Watch the Wolves vs. Hardys match, but don’t bother with the rest of it. It’s TNA. It’s not good.