BRM Reviews the 8/27/2014 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

KURT ANGLE ANNOUCEMENT- Dammit, Kurt! You’re not working for Vince McMahon anymore. You don’t have to say “each and every one of you.” And especially not twice in one promo!
Kurt announces EC III vs. Rhino, and the three way tag team main event. He then tells us that he will be sitting down with EY and Roode to determine the #1 contender tonight. It’s been a whole week! Why has this not been done! If you can’t figure out who the #1 contender is by watching the tape, then JUST BOOK A MATCH! Or make it a three-way title match. This should not have taken more than a day or two!

Taz felt the need to explain to us what it means that MVP is Lashley’s mouthpiece. I guess he thought we might be dumb enough to think it meant that MVP was chewing Lashley’s food for him or something. This is the short of crap that I find insulting as a viewer.

MVP & PALS PROMO-
MVP told us that neither the Notirious B.I.G. nor Frank White were the King of New York. At this point I got excited because I thought he was about to start singing The Newsies, but alas it did not happen. He instead claimed that Lashley was the King of New York, which makes me wonder what happens at a time like right now, when they are in NYC, but it is also nighttime? Does Lashley have authority, or is it the King of the Night, Kenny King? Do they just flip a coin?

Tommy Dreamer showed up and started to cut the Standard Tommy Dreamer Promo™. You know the one. First he comes out and puts the heels over HUGE, doing everything he possibly can to make the fans cheer for them. Then he starts to tell them what they are doing wrong, morally. Thankfully, Kenny King jumped him from behind before the f*cking waterworks could start.

Oh. And what was Tommy’s problem? He said that Lashley was too good to need to come out here and “get cheap heat.” What does that even mean, in kayfabe terms- How does it help Lashley to get cheap heat?
Tommy grabbed a Kendo Stick to defend himself, so Kurt booked Lashley vs. Dreamer in a pointless NYC Street Fight. That match is apparently taking place right now.

STREET FIGHT: Tommy Dreamer vs. Bobby Lashley (w/MVP & Kenny King)- 6.25/10
They told a decent story with Dreamer working over Lashley’s head. That suplex on the ramp looked like it SUCKED to take. It looked like Tommy’s back landed right on the edge. MVP and Kenny apparently forgot that this was a Street Fight, because they only tried to interfere when the ref was distracted. I did like that the attempted interference didn’t actually help Lashley at all, so his wins still feels clean.

MADISON RAYNE PROMO- okay.
Apparently she is in a #1 contendership match tonight. SHE HASN’T EVEN BEEN ON TV IN A MONTH!

HAVOK IS COMING- next week!

GUNNER & SHAW IN A HOTEL ROOM EARLIER- weird. I was just thankful Shaw didn’t sniff Gunner’s military uniform. And now that I think about it, why is Gunner carrying his uniform around with him? Also, how did TNA get this footage?

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE #1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH: Madison Rayne vs. Taryn Terrell- 3.5/10
Rather than pay attention to the #1 contendership match, Taz decides to make masturbation jokes about the Knockouts 2015 wall calendar.
Tenay made a point of telling us that Taryn is just two wins away from being Knockouts Champion. My response was to shout “yeah… but so it everybody else!” And therein lies the problems with TNA’s policy of giving out #1 contendership matches like Halloween candy: It completely diminishes the journey (as well as any potential star-building power that comes with it).
Madison is a heel all of a sudden, trying to cheat to win. There was no mention of Brittany or Madison’s feud with her at all. Good to see that they’re using those new Knockouts so well. That fills me with hope for Jessica Havok.

THE CAMERAMAN ASKS BOBBY ROODE ABOUT KURT’S UPCOMING DECISION- he says he is about to find out. He goes to Kurt’s office and EY is already there. Kurt then tells the cameraman to go away because they need privacy. OH COME ON! What are they discussing here that could possibly require secrecy? And with all of the times they HAVEN’T shooed the camera away, this comes a across as bit ridiculous.

MORE FOOTAGE OF SHAW & GUNNER IN A HOTEL ROOM TOGETHER- bad.
Gunner comes back, and finds Shaw dressed in his military uniform. So instead of doing the interesting thing and having Gunner actually be a positive influence on Shaw and rehabilitate him, with Anderson becoming the heel for not accepting the evidence that Shaw has changed (and yet having completely understandable reasons), they just go back to Shaw being a creeper.

MANIK, ZEMA ION, & HOMICIDE, vs. TIGRE UNO, LOW KI, & CRAZZY STEVE- 5.75/10
FINALLY, a match that isn’t a #1 contendership match!
Manik turns heel by jumping Ki from behind to start things off. We got a fun action-filled tag team match. Ki was the one who picked up the pin, but this still does technically count Crazzy Steve’s first win. Could we maybe get a backstage segment with the Menagerie being happy that they won so they can pay off some of the Knux Family Carnival's debt?

THE CAMERAMAN TALKS TO KURT- The cameraman wants to know what Kurt’s decision was regarding the #1 contender to the world title. Kurt says he’ll tell everyone next. Why wait? In fact, didn’t Kurt promise to let us all know “as soon as possible?” So why is he keeping us in the dark for a few minutes? If they wanted the announcement to be an in-ring segment, DON’T DO THIS INTERVIEW.

RHINO PROMO- okay

WHO GETS THE WORLD TITLE SHOT?- This was kind of weird. Instead of all three guys coming out, they just had Bobby Roode come out and tell everyone that there would be a #1 contendership match next week between him and EY. He then calls out EY. This made it so obvious that EY wasn’t winning, which was a mistake, IMO.
This time they actually remember Team Canada and their tag title reigns together. They put each other over WAY too hard. It was one of those mutual admiration society segments that you just stop caring in the middle of.

BRO-MANS BACKSTAGE- they are having a competition on Tinder. It was boring. The point of this segment was that they both got a match with a TNA Knockout. I’m not sure if it supposed to be the same one or not. I have no desire to see anything that this might lead to.

RHINO vs. ETHAN CARTER III (w/Rockstar Spud)- 4/10
They brawl until Ethan hits Rhino with a chair for the DQ.


They are debuting a new wrestler tonight, who happens to be a former US serviceman. Maybe they should have hyped that up a bit tonight. Or even last week, or ANY TIME AT ALL! When Jessica Havok debuts next week, people will say “Oh boy! Here comes the debut of that wrestler they’ve been hyping up for weeks.” Tonight, everyone will be asking the same question I was: “Who the f*ck is Chris Melendez?”

AUSTIN ARIES vs. THE GREAT SANADA (w/James Storm)- 5/10
Storm introduced The Great Sanada as “the first of many.” Hmm. Are there more guys on the way?
When Sanada took his hood off, Mike Tenay said the following:
“Oh. I get it. Do you think it’s any coincidence that The Great Sanada looks so much like The Great Muta?”
Wow, Mike. Nothing gets by you, does it? I think you just might be on to something there.

Taz noted that some of Sanada’s arm movements are reminiscent of Muta’s, and said that those are the things “that make great wrestlers great.” I know what he meant, but in this particular instance it was a poor choice of words because this is something that The Great Muta did, and is something that Sanada has started to copy upon being christened “The Great Sanada,” so you could also interpret his statement as meaning that if you don’t do those arm movements, you can’t call yourself “The Great _____.” It made me chuckle.

They told their story well (Aries got shined until Storm yelled at Sanada and Sanada started using heel tactics like eye rakes and chokes), but I didn’t like Storm interfering. It would have been better to just have Storm distract the ref and let Sanada use the mist on his own. If Aries probably had the match won, it doesn’t make Sanada look as strong as he should have.
It actually would have been even better to not put Aries in this spot. Let him be in the six man, give it some of this match’s time, and have someone like Crazzy Steve in here to get pretty much squashed (though with the cheating, of course).

CHRIS MELENDEZ VIDEO PACKAGE- see, THIS is what they should have been showing for the past few weeks.

INTRODUCTION OF CHRIS MELENDEZ- good
Team 3-D, Kurt Angle, and Ken Anderson are in the ring. His trainers, an Olympic hero, and another former US serviceman. Okay… where’s Gunner? He’s the guy whose military service has been made into a big deal. Having Gunner out here, putting aside his differences with Anderson to honor this man, would have worked very well with the Gunner-Shaw stuff.
Anyway, they all put this guy over. He’s a big hero, etc. etc. Instant babyface. Good, effective stuff.

MATCH #1 IN A “FIRST TO TWO WINS” SERIES FOR THE TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES: The Wolves(c) vs. The Hardys vs. Team 3-D- 7/10
Taz put the Wolves over as being a new version of the Hardys or Team 3-D. Of course, he also said the same thing about the Bro-Mans in that same sentence, so that tells you how much credibility Taz has.
The match was great, but with all of the hype for this as two of the greatest teams ever and the young guns who might well wind up being added to that list when their careers are over- I was still disappointed.

A much better Impact than usual, as most of it wasn’t completely stupid. And speaking of stupid…

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay- “All of those hours in the gym have to help Lashley when it comes to a move like the DDT.” Yeah. Because we all know that having bigger muscles makes it hurt less when someone drops you right on your head.

2. Tenay put over the Hardys for being a team for so long. He started off this segment by reminding us that the Hardy’s “reunion” is what started this whole thing. As anyone who has been watching TNA knows, Matt and Jeff haven’t been together for about five years.

3. Taz tried to put TNA over as having been “knee-deep” in tag team wrestling. “Knee-deep” is an expression meaning that you aren’t fully committed to something.