BRM Reviews the 7/10/2014 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE- GREAT
Apparently it’s “Champions Showcase” which means that every match will have championship implications. Definitely not a show to skip!

OPENING SEGMENT- decent.
Kurt runs down the card. Aries will challenge Sanada. Bram and Magnus will challenge for the tag titles, there will be a four-way Knockouts Title match between Gail, Angelina, Madison, and Brittany. Aside from Angelina, what have any of those people done to deserve a title shot? It’s like Kurt is giving them away just because. This really annoys me.
There will also be a twenty man battle royale for a shot at the world title next week.

One thing that they did that I didn’t like was show clips of the people Kurt was talking about while he was talking about them. This is definitely a personal taste thing, and it’s one that I didn’t like. I can’t even put my finger on why.
Then Kurt called out Willow and actually gave us an explanation for why Jeff Hardy turned into Willow (Jeff Hardy needed to go to a dark place fueled by violence, and that place created Willow). Kurt explained to him that MVP and Dixie were out of power, and thus there was no need for Willow anymore. He then asked for him to be Jeff Hardy again and the fans started chanting for it and Willow agreed. A fine segment to write out this terrible character.
Or maybe not. Taz and Tenay are trying to play it off as if we don’t know whether we will get Willow or Hardy.

AUSTIN ARIES PROMO- he explains that this title shot is him finally getting his rematch against Sanada for losing the belt (which happened MONTHS ago). Why couldn’t they have made this clear last week?
Aries said he would beat Sanada and then put over Option C.

Tenay said that Magnus & Bram won a Monster’s Ball last week. The graphic said it happened two weeks ago. This show has been taped for THREE WEEKS already. This should have been fixed.

TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: The Wolves(c) vs. Bram & Magnus (AKA the guys who always get DQed)- 6/10
In the first minute of the match, both Wolves at one point ran over and knocked Magnus off the apron with no provocation at all. It was very heelish, and it completely undermined the heat that should it should have garnered when the heels did it.
The match was decent, but I hated the finish. If you’re going to continue the feud, why would you have Magnus & Bram get beaten clean right away? Yeah, they beat the Wolves down afterwards, but you could have done the same thing having Bram and Magnus get DQed for using a weapon or something.

BOBBY ROODE PROMO- he says he still wants revenge on MVP. He’s also wearing the exact same clothes he wore last week. Could they not find him a change of close so we can at least pretend this wasn’t taped on the same day?

BOBBY ROODE PROMO IN THE RING THIS TIME- OH MY G-D THIS IS TERRIBLE!
He says that MVP suspended him because he saw him as a threat to the TNA World Heavyweight Title. He then says that MVP “hid behind a doctor’s note” last week. WHAT?! The man has a well-documented knee injury! It was so bad that he had to miss the world title match that was supposed to be the culmination of his plans! Does Roode really think MVP is faking this? Or does he just want to beat up a cripple?
Under some circumstances something like this would be okay, like if MVP had completely screwed Roode over a lot. Something more like Bully vs. Dixie where we can definitely side with Bully’s desire to put this woman who is much smaller than he is and who is not a trained wrestler through a table because of the number of times she has screwed him over, often resorting to physical violence herself (although all of this could have been avoided if Bully has just turned down her offer instead of stealing her money and double-crossing her). In this case though, all MVP did is suspend Bobby Roode for a month… WITH PAY, so it’s not like you can say he was taking food off of Bobby’s table or something.
Roode calls MVP out, ad MVP does come out. He is now in a wheelchair. Once again he calls all of the fans “flatscans.” Can someone please explain to me what this word means? The only context in which I am familiar with it is as a derogatory term that mutants use for human beings in the X-Man. Does MVP have a “Magneto was right!” t-shirt on under his dress shirt?
MVP says he is in a wheelchair now because Roode assaulted him last week, setting back his recovery. That’s a good point. Roode ALREADY GOT HIS REVENGE ON MVP, and he beat MVP’s little buddy up, too, so why is he even out here?
Roode says he doesn’t care that MVP isn’t able to defend himself. He goes up the ramp to get MVP (foiling an ambush by Kenny King along the way). Then he takes MVP’s wheelchair, wheels MVP down the ramp, and tips it over, dumping the poor, defenseless MVP onto the floor. I’ve seen about a thousand movies where the mean bully does exactly this. The idiots involved with TNA creative clearly need to rewatch The Karate Kid. NO ONE ROOTS FOR THE BULLY.
Roode was about to do something terrible to MVP, but thankfully Kenny King came out to save this poor defenseless man. Then Eric Young came out to try to beat up poor defenseless MVP as well, but once again Kenny King saved him just in the nick of time. Kenny King is such a great friend. Compare this to Eric Young who RAN RIGHT PAST KENNY KING REPEATEDLY PUNCHING BOBBY ROODE IN THE FACE so he could beat up MVP. I guess he was worried that this one-legged man might run away if he didn’t act quickly.
EY took out Kenny, and was bearing down on MVP, but got taken out with a Spear by Lashley. And it’s not like Lashley attacked EY from behind, and then speared him as he was getting up. He came at EY from behind, EY ducked, and then, when Lashley was coming at him from the front, EY ate the spear totally cleanly. It’s been how many years now, and this company STILL has no idea how to book something as simple as babyfaces and heels! Is it any wonder that every time they try something complex like a power struggle, it makes no sense?

JAMES STORM & SANADA BACKSTAGE- okay, I guess. Storm just kind of putting extra pressure on Sanada for no real reason. At least they subtly plugged Muta’s upcoming appearance.

ONE NIGHT ONLY: GLOBAL IMPACT COMMERCIAL- I know I complain that they never hype these things, but why the hell are they hyping the match by promoting three title matches whose results we all already know because we have been watching the TV for the past few months?

KURT PROMO- first they replayed the segment with Kurt and Willow from earlier, then Kurt cut a promo saying that he thinks he got through to Jeff and talking about how he really needs Jeff Hardy tonight and not Willow.
WHY? Why does Kurt need Jeff Hardy and not Willow?
Also, why is THIS the main angle that they are pushing? Instead of this they should be having guys in the battle royale cut promos about wanting to win the title shot. You know… something that actually puts over the match and the title instead of the question of “will Jeff hardy decide to switch personalities tonight because Kurt wants him to for some unexplained reason?”

TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: Sanada(c) vs. Austin Aries- 7.5/10
GREAT match.
And I don’t want to complain about it, so I will say that my complaint (and this has been bothering me for a few days now, so I’m really not complaining about this match) is purely about the booking of the title overall and in no way about this match.

In the past YEAR, Austin Aries won the X-Division Title FOUR different times. Those reigns have last a combined total of just seventy days (maybe a bit longer in kayfabe terms because of tape delays, but still). In even less time than that (from Slammiversary XI through his departure from TNA in April 2014, Chris Sabin also had four title reigns, lasting a combined total of ninety-four days. This NOT how you book a title! Since June 2, 2013 through the New York tapings on June 27, 2014, there have been ELEVEN different champions. A mere TWO of those title reigns have lasted more than forty-five days. How do they expect us to care about the title if guy constantly trade it back and forth with no fanfare at all, all for the hopes of getting a shot a clearly much more important title once a year?
BULLY TALKS TO A CAMERAMAN- the cameraman says he will need to ask Bully about Rhino. Bully somberly says “of all the times to choose to talk about Rhino, you decide to ask me this question now?” I do not understand this response at all. Did Bully’s mother just die or something? Why is he asking that this question is ill-timed and inappropriate? He says that he will call Rhino out right now.

RHINO & EC III BACKSTAGE- EC III says that Rhino will reveal who Bully really is. Then he asks Rhino “you know what to say, right?” This makes it sound like EC III is feeding Rhino lies, and Rhino knows this. I’m not saying that this can’t be the case. I’m just saying that if it is, WHY WOULD EC III SAY THIS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?! Is he that f*cking stupid?

BULLY, RHINO, & EC III (& SPUD) SEGMENT- horrendous.
Bully demands to know how Rhino could betray him after all they have been through together. This really annoyed me. How many times in the past few years has Bully done exactly this same thing? He did it to most of the Aces & Eights (they were supposed to be his brotherhood or whatever, right?) He even did it to Devon TWICE. When you’ve turned on so many people, you look a little silly asking someone “why did you turn on me?”
Rhino says he turned on Bully because Bully cons people and uses them for his own purposes. This is actually pretty consistent with things that BULLY HIMSELF HAS SAID since his heel turn late 2010. Rhino has a point.
Wait… no. He just lost all credibility when he said that Bully conned Paul Heyman. Yeah. Poor Paul E. was the one who got conned. Right.
Then he says that Bully conned Dixie. That is 100% factually accurate and is a fact Bully has flaunted many times in the past few months. Rhino seems to be telling the truth here. Maybe Bully really is the heel, and I should be rooting for Dixie’s stable. In fact, I think that’s what I’ll do. Thanks for opening my eyes, Rhino!
Bully claims that Rhino has let the Carters “brainwash” him. He then claims that Rhino is jealous of his TNA Hall of Fame status. Bully says he is in the Hall of Fame because the fans say he should be. Really? If that were true, then shouldn’t there be some sort of election or something? Hell… there are plenty of guys who the fans think should be in the TNA Hall of Fame who aren’t in it.
Bully then says that Rhino has no one to blame but himself for getting fired from WWE and TNA. Okay…
As far as WWE goes, I guess that Bully is correct- sort of. WWE decided that Rhino was not valuable enough to keep around, and so they cut him, and I guess you could argue that this was Rhino’s fault for not being good enough (especially from a kayfabe POV). What he does not mention is that on THE VERY SAME DAY that Rhino got fired, WWE announced that they were no longer going to continue contract renewal negotiations with Bubba and Devon… so Bully is equally a “b*tch” for getting fired from WWE.
As far as TNA goes, Rhino was actually fired by Eric Bischoff who lied to Rhino, promising him a new contract if he turned on EV2.0, and when Rhino did that, Bischoff didn’t give him a contract anyway- so that one is really Bischoff’s fault.
Bully then said that Rhino was no longer “hardcore” and was now just a “b*tch.” It didn’t seem that way to me when he kicked your ass last week, Bully. Ethan then explained that he has hired Rhino to a contract so that Rhino can feed his family. This makes Bully look like even more of an idiot. Yeah. What a little “b*tch” that Rhino is, competing in a combat sport so that he can feed his family. That is definitely the sort of thing a pathetic coward would do and not manly at all.
Rhino then Gored Bully. I popped.
Bully then undersold the Gore by constantly trying to get back up, and needing to be punched and stomped back down. Way to kill Rhino’s finisher, asshole! Then Tommy Dreamer came out to save Bully… AND THEY ACTUALLY HAD HIM GET A SHOT IN ON RHINO! WHAT THE F*CK?! THAT’S WHAT SPUD IS FOR! So that we have to PAY to see the real heels like EC III and Rhino get their comeuppance on PPV!
And no, I am not being facetious about any of this. Bully demanded an explanation from Rhino. Rhino gave a logical explanation that made sense, and really does put this whole thing in perspective. Bully is a huge dick. The things he said don’t make sense, and the things Rhino said do make sense (aside from the Paul Heyman part). And do you know what the worst part about all of this is? They could have come to the same point (Rhino is a heel who betrayed Bully, Bully and Tommy are babyfaces) in a simple, logical, in-character way (and it would have been a lot shorter, too) by just having Rhino come out and say “HA! HA! HA! That’s right, Bully. I sold you out for money! Now that I am working for the super-rich Carter family, I’ll be super-rich and won’t have to hang out with losers like you anymore” (or something along those general lines). But instead they had to try and tell their fancy, complicated “story” and as a result, I wound up agreeing with the heels!

THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE COMPLAIN BACKSTAGE- Okay.
Angelina is upset because rather than a one-on-one rematch, which, as she points out, would be completely fair, she has to get compete in a four way title match with two women who have no business being in a title match in the first place. AND SHE’S RIGHT!

WILLOW IN THE RAFTERS- they felt it was important to show us Willow just sitting there while Tenay plugged his conundrum. I really hate this.
Tenay said “We await his decision. Will he compete tonight as Willow or Jeff Hardy. We’re gonna find out in the twenty-man number one contender’s battle royale that’s still to come tonight on Impact wrestling.”
The problem I am having is that you could replace the phrase “twenty-man number one contender’s battle royale” with “singles match against Zema Ion” and it would still be the same. The hook they are pushing is Willow’s decision, when it should be “who will win the battle royale and become #1 contender to the world title.” I don’t even know who the hell else is IN this match! There were some guys flashing across the screen when it was first announced, but I don’t remember who they were at this point.
Another problem with having all of the focus on this is that as smart fans, we know that this means that there are only three possible likely outcomes:
1. He shows up as Jeff and wins, then ditches Willow from here on out.
2. He shows up as Jeff and loses, and decides that he needs to continue to be Willow.
3. He shows up as Willow and loses, and then decides that he needs to be Jeff and ditches Willow from here on out.
(And number one is bad booking anyway unless they are going to have him take the title from Lashley, which I doubt will happen [although it could work if MVP & Pals screw him, but that’s not the way Lashley has been booked recently])

MENAGERIE BACKSTAGE- Knux gives his guys a speech. He starts of by saying “I know we don’t have much wrestling experience in the world, but that’s okay. We’ve got a crazy clown, we’ve got the strongman, we’ve got a brawler, and we have one hell of a distraction.” Yeah. Because that’s how you succeed in pro wrestling. Brawling, a strong dude, and a “crazy clown.” Who needs that “technique” stuff, anyway!
Knux says that they are going to work together to win the battle royale. WHAT THE F*CK?! How the hell did these f*cking losers get into a #1 contendership match?

FATAL FOUR WAY MATCH FOR THE TNA KNOCKOUTS’ TITLE: Gail Kim(c) vs. Madison Rayne vs. Brittany vs. Angelina Love (w/Velvet Sky)- 4/10… but absolutely AWESOME for the time it got (but seriously… you have only FOUR MATCHES on a two hour show, and all you can give this is FIVE MINUTES?).
Brittany jumped Madison on her way down to the ring and all three heels beat Madison down. The bell then rang to start the match, despite the fact that ONE OF THE COMPETITORS WASN’T EVEN THROUGH THE CURTAIN YET!
Said competitor, Gail Kim, came charging down the ramp and made the save, taking it to all three heels LIKE A F*CKING BADASS (even dropping her title belt on her way down the ramp because Gail don’t need no stinkin’ weapons)!
After some babyface vs. babyface stuff with Madison, Gail took a bump on her face on the outside when Angelina pulled her out of the ring. Angelina then convinced Brittany to work with her to double team Madison. They did that for a while, until Angelina told Brittany to go make sure that Gail was still down on the outside… and moment Brittany turned her back, Angelina quickly went to pin Madison (who kicked out). Brittany her the referee’s count and realized she had been duped, and she and Angelina had a shoving match, when then devolved into forearm shots. That whole thing was GREAT!
Gail got back into things and they all started to trade spots. Madison randomly busted out Roxxi Leveaux’s Voodoo Drop, and it looked VICIOUS! That needs to be her new finisher (especially with two other people already using the spear). Gail won, pinning Angelina cleanly after Eat Defeat.

I did really like the match, but I think they should have done something different. I would have booked Gail vs. Madison vs. Angelina vs. Taryn. I think they have made a big mistake by making such a big deal out of Taryn’s return and then not using her at all (and you can justify sticking her in here because at least she was on the winning team in her only match back, and she and Gail are 1-1).
Gail and Taryn would be evenly matched babyfaces. I’d have Velvet take Taryn out behind the ref’s back, and then I’d have Brittany come out and hit Madison with a weapon or something to take her out, and have Gail (who didn’t see what happened because was busy fighting Angelina) get the pin on Madison. This way you are escalating Brittany vs. Madison while still holding off on an actual match, and protect Madison’s loss in such a short match.
From here, you have Angelina complain that she still hasn’t gotten her one-on-one rematch while building Angelina & Velvet vs. Gail & Taryn. Gail and Taryn are friendly and work together fine and both dislike TBP, but it’s always in the background that Taryn wants Gail’s title, and that Gail would be glad to give her a title match (you can stop the match from happening by having TBP ruin it by DQ one week, then have Angelina demand that she should get a rematch before anyone else gets a shot). You finally give Angelina her one-on-one title match in which Gail beats her clean, then you move on to finally doing Gail vs. Taryn at BFG.

MORE HYPE FOR WILLOW’S DECISION (oh yeah, and also the #1 contendership main event)- counterproductive!
They show us Willow’s mask hanging from something. Tenay wonders if this means that Willow has made his decision yet. NO F*CKING DUH, MIKE! And even without Tenay’s bad commentary, who the hell thought this segment was a good idea? You’ve been building this mystery up all show as you hook for the main event… and then you give away the answer before the main event?!

AUSTIN ARIES PROMO- SH*T!
He says that he has the power because he has the X-Division Title and can thus choose to challenge for the world title. He says that doing that would make “too much sense” and that he has been successful because he has been “unpredictable,” so maybe he’ll decide to NOT cash in for a world title shot just for the sake of being unpredictable. If someone offered me five million dollars with no strings attached, I would definitely be acting unpredictably by not taking the money. I’d also be FIVE MILLION DOLLARS POORER THAN I COULD HAVE BEEN, AND A TOTAL F*CKING IDIOT!

DESTINATION X WILL APPARENTLY BE ON JULY 31ST- good. I’ve been wondering when it would be,

BOBBY ROODE PROMO- he says that he still wants to get revenge on MVP & Pals, but tonight he needs to focus on the only reason he got in the wrestling business: the world heavyweight title. GREAT! They should have been doing promos like this ALL SHOW LONG!
LASHLEY VIDEO PACKAGE- great… but it really felt like a waste of time here. This time probably should have gone to the women’s match.

Oh. And TNA misspelled Battle Royale when telling us what hashtag to use. They left off the e at the end.

TWENTY MAN BATTLE ROYALE FOR A SHOT AT THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE NEXT WEEK- 3.75/10
I know they needed bodies to be in this match and that winning a twenty-man battle royale is very hard, but this match had so many guys in it who are just total jobbers and geeks.
Kenny King has one win all year, which was a six man tag in which he didn’t get the pin. He has not won non-tag team match since MAY 2013.
Eric Young has not won a match since losing his return match cleanly.
Tigre Uno has not won a match in three months.
Jesse Godderz has not won a match in four months.
Rockstar Spud has not won a math in four months. That win was by DQ. His previous win was at the end of last year when he was part of a team that won a four-on-two handicap match. In fact, he only has three wins in total in TNA. The remaining win, and the only time he has ever pinned someone, were back in HIS FIRST TNA MATCH… IN FEBRUARY 2013!
Manik has not won a match in over TEN months.
DJ Zema has not won a match since Feast or Fired back in December… and before that, his last televised win was in JANUARY 2013!
The Phreak has not yet won a match in TNA (although this is only his second match).
Crazzy Steve HAS STILL NOT WON A SINGLE MATCH IN TNA (and yet somehow has already had two X-Division Title shots and is now getting a chance to become #1 contender to the TNA World Heavyweight Title!

This may seem like I am going out of my way to rip this to shreds, but I’m really not. Yes, I researched these statistics (I’m not some sort of crazy person who knows this all off the top of my head), but the thing that inspired me to do so was that I looked at this match and immediately thought “HOW F*CK DID THAT CHUMP GET INTO A #1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH?” for just about everyone in the ring. I will admit that EY and Kenny King both do not seem to be out of place at all, and I was extremely surprised to find that Knux has a few wins to his name since his return, but if you are going to have guys on big losing streaks in this match, at least make it someone credible like Abyss, or someone like Sam Shaw, whose behavior we might find interesting based on his new direction. But whatever you do, DON’T GIVE US A RING FULL OF JOBBERS! I mean come on! The first elimination was JESSE GODDERZ eliminating CRAZZY STEVE!
Where was Samoa Joe? Didn’t Kurt talk about how much he liked Joe last week? Where is Rhino? How are these chumps in the match, but not a former world heavyweight champion who also isn’t on a losing streak?
It also really bothered me that Bram, Magnus, and Sanada, who all lost title matches tonight, were in this match, but the Wolves and Aries, who won those title matches, weren’t.
The match itself was bad. It just felt like random people tossing other random people out of the ring faster than you could keep track of in the beginning. The final five or six or so was good, and the finisher was great.
Anyway, remember that segment earlier where the Menagerie came up with a game plan? Well they were eliminated so quickly that they never got to come close to using it. So what was the point of even doing that segment at all?
After they were both eliminated, Sanada gave Magnus a chop, apparently for no reason. If it was because Magnus eliminated Sanada, the announcers should have called our attention to it. Either way, though, the major problem here is that the new, more violent Magnus, did not retaliate at all. That was painfully out of character. Compare this to Bram, who grabbed a weapon and tried to attack Jeff Hardy after Jeff eliminated him within the perfectly acceptable confines of a wrestling match. Abyss came out and stopped this, though, brawling with Bram. Tenay, being an idiot, tried to sell this as “payback for Monster’s Ball” when Bram beat Abyss perfectly legally within the confines of a wrestling match rather than as Abyss coming out to help his friend and tag team partner, making the babyface look like a sore loser instead of a good friend and valiant hero.

Bully Ray grabbed Spud’s nuts because I guess he needs to resort to dirty tactics to beat up a weakling midget. He used a low blow on Ethan. LEARN HOW TO BE A F*CKING BABYFACE!
Tenay told us that MVP had come to the commentary booth and told them that Kenny King was like “a teenager with too much testosterone.” The problem is that while this was allegedly happening, WE COULD SEE MVP’S HEAD IN THE FRAME, STANDING AT RINGSIDE THE WHOLE TIME!

JEFF HARDY PROMO- He says that Lashley is a tough opponent, but he will beat him and win the title. Good promo, but I really felt that this needed to be something Jeff and Willow. Something explaining the difference between the two, and why Kurt was right that he needed to be Jeff to win this match. Then Lashley came out and they had a staredown.

Aside from the main event, all of the matches were good, but all of the other stuff was very bad. Again with the exception of the main event, TNA did a good job of making the matches seem important, which is the one thing they have been doing well since Slammiversary.
That being said, the show was dreadful to sit through when the matches weren’t on because everything else was terrible. I think that this really shows that the best thing for TNA to do is stick to the basics of storytelling with their angles.
We also really should have gotten some follow-up with Sanada losing the title. If this was as big a deal to him as James Storm was selling it as, it should have been followed up on.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Taz could not identify a Tiger Suplex. He instead said that Sanada was going for a “back throw.” I do not think there was anything else he could have said to make him sound any more like someone who had no idea what he was talking about. (In fairness, he did get it correct later, but still… THIS IS TAZ! The Human Suplex Machine! He should at least have been able to call it a “suplex” instead of a “throw.”)