BRM Reviews the 6/5/2014 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

MVP & HIS PALS ARE LOOKING FOR JOE- Kenny King is walking around dark corridors alone, so you know he’s going to be picked off first. We then saw MVP and Lashley at such a strange camera angle that the only thing I could think was “why did they put a camera there?”
Anyway, apparently Joe was at the Gorilla Position, ready to come out to the ring. So what was the point of showing us MVP & Pals searching for him? Joe tells them the equivalent of “I’m right here in the ring. Come find me… if you dare.” Joe is such a badass!
MVP & Pals come out. Then they say some stuff that didn’t really go anywhere or answer any of each others' points, until Joe challenged MVP & Pals to a handicap match. Aries comes out and says he wants to fight the heels, too. MVP then says that Joe has been in breach of contract all this time, but he will be generous and give Joe a match that if Joe wins, Joe will be reinstated. WHAT? Was Joe suspended this whole time, and they never mentioned it once?
Anyway, the match eventually becomes Aries vs. Joe in a Loser Leaves Town match. Rather than outrage at this abuse of power, Tenay, the babyface announcer, is excited about getting to see this match… and so am I, because one of them will lose, and hopefully that guy will show up in ROH where he will be used much better than this.

MAGNUS & BRAM BACKSTAGE- good.

BRAM vs. WILLOW- 4/10
The match was dull until Jeff pulled out a new move (which he actually missed). Then Bram got the crowbar and wanted to hit Willow with it, but Magnus came out and hit Willow with it instead. He continued to beat Willow down with it.

MVP & THE WOLVES- MVP tries to sew dissension between the Wolves… by booking them in a match against each other. So now we’ll find out if TNA will manage to screw this up.

ANDERSON IS DRESSED AS A COWBOY- Oh joy. Now I won’t even be able to enjoy Davey vs. Eddie because I will be dreading this.

DAVEY RICHARDS vs. EDDIE EDWARDS- no rating, PERFECT segment.
Kenny King comes out to make sure that the Wolves don’t pull an HBK vs. Triple H for the European Title-type deal. The Wolves have a good mat-wrestling match, but when Davey’s taped-up ribs start to hurt, Eddie lets off. This angers Kenny King who demands that they act like “wolves with teeth” instead of “little puppies,” or else he will tell MVP to strip them of the tag titles. The Wolves go back to work on each other and have a short match that ends with one rolling the other up for a pin. Kenny was still unhappy because there was no “kicking people in the face” or people being “thrown around in the air.” The Wolves got fed up with Kenny and gave him the Alarm Clock.

MVP & DIXIE BACKSTAGE- Dixie points out that MVP is dumb for booking two big stars against each other in which one will need to get fired.

BRITTANY & MADISON BACKSTAGE- Brittany apologizes for making things super-awkward last week. Madison makes her promise to not get involved in the title match.

BRO-MANS BACKSTAGE- Robbie E. is afraid of clowns.

MVP & BRIAN HEBNER- MVP instructs Hebner to ensure that there is a winner and a loser in tonight’s main event.

JOE & ARIES SEGMENT- not bad, but kind of pointless.

BRO-MANS IN-RING SEGMENT- a repeat of the first segment, but with better team-stuff from Jesse… so why do the first segment?
THEN THE MENAGERIE CAME OUT… and things went to sh*t.
Taz and Tenay actually did a good job putting over the Menagerie’s objective, which should be to win matches so they can send money home to get Knux & Rebel’s family carnival started up again. This was the only good part of this segment… and the fact that I am putting over something that Taz and Tenay said should tell you just how putrid this was.

EY & BULLY COURT BRIAN HEBNER- I’m not quite sure what is going on, but I know that I don’t care. How about if we focus on the wrestling instead of two different sides who aren’t even involved in the match trying to sway the referee?

SAM SHAW & GUNNER- is there some dental surgery I can get instead of watching this?
Gunner, the top babyface as of a month ago, is visiting a guy in a psych ward and playing GO-FISH like a f*cking six year old.

LOSER LEAVES TOWN MATCH: Austin Aries vs. Samoa Joe- Great wrestling, but the sh*t with Brian Hebner totally killed it for me. What’s to stop MVP from just assigning more referees? Or even just using his power to declare one guy the winner?
MVP comes out and Bully claims that MVP is “making guys fight each other who shouldn’t be fighting each other.” Because G-d forbid two trained wrestlers have to wrestle one another. Bully proposes himself, EY, Aries, & Joe vs. EC III, MVP, & Pals… in (I swear I’m not making this up) and EIGHT MAN TAG TEAM FIRST BLOOD MATCH.
MVP is saying “no,” but an angry Kenny King grabs the mic from him and says yes… and apparently Kenny has the power to overrule MVP, because everyone is acting like Kenny saying yes means the match is official. This company is run by morons.

KEN ANDERSON DRESSED AS A COWBOY- Kurt Angle did basically this exact same thing in late 2011… AND HE WAS A HEEL… and that’s what Anderson was, both here and last week: a cowardly douchebag heel. James Storm then comes out and cuts an awesome babyface promo… then ends it by saying he doesn’t want to fight in front of these fans because they don’t deserve it. Anderson decides to fight anyway. I hate this angle, but I have decided that I want to Storm kick Anderson’s ass, so way to fail, TNA.
Storm actually did kick Anderson’s ass (HOORAY!), then challenged him to a match at Slammiversary… and without Anderson accepting the match or any official word from MVP, Tenay just assumes the match is official.

GUNNER & SAM SHAW, PART 2- Shaw gives Gunner permission to look at his scrapbook. Kill me now.

GUNNER SHOWS SHAW HIS DRAWINGS- this was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, and I really shouldn’t be complaining about a babyface taking a misunderstood man and making a new friend.

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Angelina Love(c) (w/Velvet Sky) vs. Madison Rayne- 1.5/10
Yeah… it didn’t even take a minute for Brittany to come out. I don’t think they even went four minutes. Then we got the hairspray finish. Hooray for new ideas…

is what I would say if TNA ever had any.

MADISON IS ANGRY AT BRITTANY- she yells at her for not doing anything when the heels were spraying hairspray in her eyes. She really should have seen this coming after she told Brittany to “do nothing.” It wasn’t bad, but was just obvious.

EIGHT MAN TAG TEAM FIRST BLOOD MATCH: MVP, Bobby Lashley, Kenny King, & EC III vs. Eric Young, Bully Ray, Austin Aries, & Samoa Joe- 4/10
With their big Slammiversary PPV less than two weeks away, it shouldn’t surprise you to learn that they decided to waste EC III’s first loss in this random match on free TV.
Another non-sensical show from TNA, to the point that something like that Wolves segment almost makes me mad because it shows that TNA does have the potential to do things right if they actually put thought into them.

DIXIE & MVP ARGUE- apparently MVP & Pals were angry about losing this pointless match, so they beat EC III up, thus angering Dixie. Apparently TNA feels that people would rather watch dumb stories about heels pointlessly arguing than pay to see a babyface get revenge in a well-built feud.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay “Jeff Hardy loves to exploit his unpredictable nature by evolving into Willow.”
Tenay has said a lot of sh*t that has made absolutely no sense over the years, but this one might well take the cake. Mike does not seem to understand how alternate personalities work, or how evolution works. People are not Pokemon! You do not “evolve” into your next iteration!

2. Tenay refers to Bram trying to get Magnus to be more violent as an “experiment.” I think we can add that to the list of words whose definition “Professor” Tenay is ignorant of.

3. Tenay refers to James Storm’s entrance music that he started using in 2011 as “old school”

[Big Red Machine]

Let it be known that only half-way through their report, this is the show that finally made Bryan Alvarez and Vince Verhei give up on Impact enough to declare that they will not watch it for an entire month.

[cero2k]

LOSER LEAVES TOWN MATCH: Austin Aries vs. Samoa Joe- Great wrestling, but the sh*t with Brian Hebner totally killed it for me. What’s to stop MVP from just assigning more referees? Or even just using his power to declare one guy the winner?
MVP comes out and Bully claims that MVP is “making guys fight each other who shouldn’t be fighting each other.” Because G-d forbid two trained wrestlers have to wrestle one another. Bully proposes himself, EY, Aries, & Joe vs. EC III, MVP, & Pals… in (I swear I’m not making this up) and EIGHT MAN TAG TEAM FIRST BLOOD MATCH.
MVP is saying “no,” but an angry Kenny King grabs the mic from him and says yes… and apparently Kenny has the power to overrule MVP, because everyone is acting like Kenny saying yes means the match is official. This company is run by morons.

i don't see it necessarily as King overruling MVP, more as he accepted the challenge on behalf of the team and as wrestlers and men and a team, they all have to deal with King's stupid and harsh actions

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Angelina Love(c) (w/Velvet Sky) vs. Madison Rayne- 1.5/10
Yeah… it didn’t even take a minute for Brittany to come out. I don’t think they even went four minutes. Then we got the hairspray finish. Hooray for new ideas…

is what I would say if TNA ever had any.

uuhh!! hello!? FIRST EVER 8-MAN TAG TEAM FIRST BLOOD MATCH!?

[Big Red Machine]

LOSER LEAVES TOWN MATCH: Austin Aries vs. Samoa Joe- Great wrestling, but the sh*t with Brian Hebner totally killed it for me. What’s to stop MVP from just assigning more referees? Or even just using his power to declare one guy the winner?
MVP comes out and Bully claims that MVP is “making guys fight each other who shouldn’t be fighting each other.” Because G-d forbid two trained wrestlers have to wrestle one another. Bully proposes himself, EY, Aries, & Joe vs. EC III, MVP, & Pals… in (I swear I’m not making this up) and EIGHT MAN TAG TEAM FIRST BLOOD MATCH.
MVP is saying “no,” but an angry Kenny King grabs the mic from him and says yes… and apparently Kenny has the power to overrule MVP, because everyone is acting like Kenny saying yes means the match is official. This company is run by morons.

i don't see it necessarily as King overruling MVP, more as he accepted the challenge on behalf of the team and as wrestlers and men and a team, they all have to deal with King's stupid and harsh actions

But they don't have to deal with it! They could just not book the match! They're heels! They're not bound by any sense of honor, as they have all show over the past few weeks. So why does it suddenly come into play now?

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Angelina Love(c) (w/Velvet Sky) vs. Madison Rayne- 1.5/10
Yeah… it didn’t even take a minute for Brittany to come out. I don’t think they even went four minutes. Then we got the hairspray finish. Hooray for new ideas…

is what I would say if TNA ever had any good ones.

uuhh!! hello!? FIRST EVER 8-MAN TAG TEAM FIRST BLOOD MATCH!?

Fixed it.