BRM Reviews the 5/19/2014 Raw

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- Bray sings with the crowd in a totally dark arena, lit only being people’s cell phones and lighters. Bray cut an awesome promo… kind of. Everyone was really into it (and so was I), but Bray really didn’t say anything. Then Cena’s music plays and Bray orders Harper and Wyatt to go intercept Cena on the ramp, but Cena comes out through the crowd, gives Bray an AA, and runs away. That was really heelish.

The “LOOK AT US! WE’RE IN THE UK!” stage set-up is back. It is still really annoying.

PAUL HEYMAN PROMO- awesome!

SHEAMUS vs. CESARO (w/Paul Heyman)- 7/10
Cesaro pins the US Champion thanks to a distraction by Sheamus. Cesaro was getting a major babyface reaction. Sheamus still offers a handshake after the match, but Cesaro snubs him.

Apparently there will be a bunch of Beat The Clock Challenges tonight for an IC Title match at Payback.

BEAT THE CLOCK CHALLENGE: Big E. Langston vs. Ryback (w/Curtis Axel)-3.25/10
Dull big-man match that only went five minutes.

FANDANGO (w/Layla) vs. R-TRUTH (w/the Funkadactyls)-
Truth has apparently taught the Funkadactyls how to dance to his music.
Summer Rae made her return (she really needs her NXT music), walks angrily down the ramp and up to Fandango, who she hates… and makes out with him before having a catfight with Layla. Fandango pulls Layla out of harm’s way, and they walk off. What happened to the match?! And why did Summer Rae make out with someone who she hates?

DRAGON!

No. It’s Steph. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! F*CKING B*TCH!!!!!!!
Steph had oodles of fun jerking the crowd around here, but the end result of this was that she won’t strip Dragon of the WWE World Heavyweight Title… but she will demand that he show up on Raw next week and surrender the title personally.

We learn that Hunter has signed Batista vs. Rollins with everyone but “essential personnel” barred from ringside… which means they’re doing the gimmick where he appoints himself the special timekeeper and Orton the special ring announcer or whatever.

ALEXANDER RUSEV (w/Lana) vs. HEATH SLATER (w/3MB)- fun squash
3MB reprised their “Union Jacks” gimmick.
Lana cut a promo claiming that Russia would conquer both the USA and the UK.

SHIELD PROMOS- awesome.

BEAT THE CLOCK CHALLENGE: Rob Van Dam vs. Alberto Del Rio- 4/10
Del Rio cut an in-set promo saying that the children needed someone to teach them how to be great, and thus “the future of our planet depends on Alberto Del Rio.” Fantastic!
The match was great for the short amount of time it got, but I can’t help but point out that eight months ago, these two were feuding over the World Heavyweight Title... and now they are getting less than five minutes in a Beat The Clock Challenge to determine the #1 contender to the IC Title. Talk about sliding down the card.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS JOHN CENA- good promo.
Cena says he will bring the Usos to even then odds, the talks about not quitting.

EVOLUTION BACKSTAGE- okay.

ONLY OFFICAL PERSONNEL ARE ALLOWED AT RINGSIDE: Batista vs. Seth Rollins- 7/10
As everyone saw coming, Hunter appointed himself the ring announcer and Orton as the official timekeeper. Rollins then appointed Ambrose and Reigns as “official guest commentators.” How does he have the power to do this?
Oh. Apparently they beat Brad Maddox up until he agreed to make them official commentators. That works.
Rollins and Batista have a great match. Ambrose and Reigns brawl with Hunter and Orton after Hunter gets involved in the match. We eventually wind up with Rollins winning by DQ but getting attacked by Batista until the Shield make the save, with Reigns giving Batista a Spear, then Evolution saving Batista from a Triple Powerbomb. Good stuff.

ALICIA FOX vs. PAIGE- 4.25/10
HUGE pop for Paige.
And HOLY SH*T she lost. I get wanting to set Fox up as a challenger, but could you maybe have waited until next week or whenever you’re NOT in Paige’s home country. Alicia Fox celebrates by stealing Lawler’s crown, then drinking a fan’s soda.

HARPER & BRAY PROMOS- okay.

BEAT THE CLOCK CHALLENGE: Mark Henry vs. Dolph Ziggler- 4/10
They did a good job with the short time they had.

RVD COMES OUT TO CELEBRATE- Barrett jumps him, getting a huge pop.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS ADAM ROSE-
Rose’s party train now includes a hippie chick, a dude in a Penguin suit, a dude dressed like a cheeseburger (named Ethan), a man in a pink suit, two sexy sailors, a woman dressed like the Statue of Liberty, and a girl in creepy facepaint dressed as Captain America.
Renee calls him out for being a dick to Swagger and Coulter. He speaks in circles. Renee seemed to be having fun.
Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter come out and Zeb cuts an awesome promo. He challenges Rose to a fight, but it is a set-up for Swagger to cheap-shot Rose. Swagger then harasses Rose’s pals, but this buys Rose time to recover and force Jack into retreat. The crowd was really into this.

LEGENDS HOUSE COMMERCIAL- I have no idea what is going on, but the chick getting tied up looks really hot.

LUKE HARPER (w/the Wyatt Family) vs. JOHN CENA (w/the Usos)- 7.25/10
Crappy looking Cena-carana. Other than that, a good match, but with an annoying DQ finish. The Usos were made to look like punks by getting taken out so easily, Bray ends the night on top, as he should, in some decent build to their Last Man Standing match at Payback.

A good episode of Raw.


STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Jerry Lawler reported the Xenophobic ramblings of his cab driver as a universal truth accepted by all Brits everywhere.

2. JBL says that Del Rio “might be the planet’s greatest export.”
In order for this to be true, Del Rio would need to be spending most of his time off-planet, which I’m pretty sure isn’t happening.