BULLY RAY SPRAY PAINTS SOMETHING ON A TABLE-
The only reason we were shown this was so Tenay could ask “Bully Ray using spray paint? What’s this all about?” This is the sort of crappy line I expect to hear in an SvR story-mode segment, not from a real announcer on a real TV show. It (and Tenay’s inflection) just reeks of “OOOOHHH! Look at us! We have a MYSTERY! Aren’t you interested in our mystery?”
This is the sort of thing that should be kept to the TNA 24/7
EY & MVP BACKSTAGE- SH*T!
MVP subtly puts himself over for imposing fairness on TNA. I’m calling bullsh*t. He then puts EY over for beating Magnus… although he had just buried Magnus for not being much of a champion, so I don’t see how that helps. EY says that he wants to defend the title tonight like a fighting champion. MVP announces that he has an idea. He brings in Anderson and Gunner, who both won their matches at the PPV. Bobby Roode shows up, too, and says that he also won at the PPV. MVP says that Roode really didn’t win. Well Mr. Fairness, why didn’t you come out and order the match restarted then?
MVP says he has an idea how to determine a top contender. They will draw cards. Bobby Roode immediately shouts “cards?! This is ridiculous!” MVP says that if Roode doesn’t like it, there are tons of guys in the locker room who would like to have Roode’s spot. That might be true, but those guys didn’t EARN it by winning at the PPV!
MVP then lays out his plan. The three of them will draw cards, and the guys with the two lowest numbers will face each other. The winner of that match will then face the guy with the highest number, and the winner of that match will face EY for the title tonight. So Mr. Look At Me! I’m So Fair has set up a system by which complete and total randomness will determine which of three equally deserving men gets a major advantage, and then forces one of those three men to challenge EY at a disadvantage. EY, the fighting champion babyface, is totally fine with this. HOW THE HELL COULD ANYONE HAVE POSSIBLY WRITTEN OR READ THIS AND THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD SEGMENT?!
MVP, Anderson, Roode, and Gunner all had overly-confrontational dialogue while the three contenders picked their cards, including Gunner feeling the need to shout “I know what I’m doing.” YOU’RE PICKING A RANDOM PLAYING CARD UP OFF OF A TABLE! I sure as hell hope you know what you’re doing! Once again: WHO THE HELL THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD SEGMENT?!
MAGNUS & ABYSS SEGMENT- F*CKING RETARDED!
First Magnus whines about not being included in MVP’s dumb card thing. Then Abyss shows up in the crowd. Tenay tells us “we still don’t know the contract status of the Monster, Abyss.”
A few problems here:
1. The stipulations, as they announced them last week, were that if Abyss DEFEATED Magnus in a match, he would get a contract. Abyss did defeat Magnus. That it was by DQ was irrelevant because the stipulations were that Abyss would get a contract if he DEFEATED Magnus, with no limitations on how that needed to happen. Why, then, is this even a question?
2. Assuming that, for whatever reason, it turned out that a DQ victory was not sufficient for Abyss to get a contract, there should still be no question about Abyss’ contract status because if a DQ win was not sufficient, then Abyss did not earn a contract.
3. Assuming that there was, for whatever reason, some sort of ambiguity about whether or not Abyss had earned a contract, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN TAKEN CARE OF ALREADY! The match happened AN ENTIRE WEEK AGO! What the f*ck does MVP or Dixie or whoever do all day if not deal with crap like this?!
4. If Abyss has not earned a contract (and being in an ambiguous state of employment should, for these purposes, be considered unemployed due to the potential legal ramifications… which Magnus laid out for us last week) why was he allowed to jump the guardrail and attack a TNA contracted wrestler? Is there no ringside security at all?!
Anyway, Abyss jumps the guardrail and attacks Magnus. He swings at Magus with a chair, but Magnus avoids it and runs into the ring to get away from Abyss. Rather than take the weapon with him, Abyss just drops it on the outside before pursuing Magnus because… um…
Magnus almost cuts him off, but Abyss fights back and gives him a chokeslam. Abyss then gets a chair to hit Magnus with… but the crowd starts to chant “WE WANT JANICE!”… so Abyss drops the chair, goes to a different side of the ring, looks under the ring, and comes up with Janice.
ABYSS IS NOT KAYFABE EMPLOYED BY THE COMPANY! SO HOW THE F*CK DID JANICE GET UNDER THE RING?!
So as Abyss is getting Janice, Magnus… just causally walks up the ramp. He doesn’t run for his life. He just walks, making sure to stop and get his suit jacket first. Abyss, for no apparent reason, decides that he doesn’t feel like murdering Magnus anymore, and just poses in the ring instead of chasing after his mortal enemy.
Throughout this entire segment in which someone not under contract jumped the guardrail and tried to murder a wrestler who just last week threatened to sue the company if same non-contracted person touched him… NO ONE came out from the back to stop this.
BULLY RAY PROMO- he has “Dixie” spray-painted on a table. It really doesn’t mean anything, though because we all know that Dixie will never go through the table. He then vows (even adding “so help me G-d”) that if Dixie shows up tonight, he will put her through this table. Again… it doesn’t mean sh*t because TNA has hammered into us time after time that Spike TV will not allow male-on-female violence (and also, we all know Dixie will never take that bump).
And while we’re on the subject, why just “tonight?” If he is so angry at Dixie four days after the PPV, why would he be any less angry, say, next week? Or at one of this weekend’s house shows?
Then Mike Tenay felt the need to say “Yes, the name of our TNA President spray-painted on that table sends the message loud and clear.”
1) If the spray-paint “sends the message loud and clear,” why did Bully need to cut a promo? And even more importantly 2) if the spray paint “sends the message loud and clear,” AND Bully just cut a promo about it, WHY THE F*CK DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH?!
I was about to offer Taz a million dollars to choke Tenay out live on the air next time he says something stupid, but then I realized we’d be stuck with Taz on commentary alone, which might be worse.
DIXIE PULLS UP IN HER LIMO- She’s late.
The cameraman asks her to “tell us more about Sacrifice.” What the hell more is there to say?
Then came the coup de grace: Dixie walks into the building, and prominently displayed on the door is a sign that says “Impact Wrestling”… then urges people to “please enter quietly” because “PRE-TAPES MAY BE IN PROGRESS!” Do they not even care enough about their product to take down a f*cking sign that informs us that they are lying through their teeth every time they claim things are live?!
SPUD & DIXIE SEGMENT- Dixie points out that she is Bully’s boss, and she does not take kindly to be threatened. FINALLY a segment that isn’t completely idiotic!
WINNER FACES BOBBY ROODE LATER ON FOR A CHANCE TO FACE EY FOR THE WORLD TITLE: Gunner vs. Mr. Anderson- 0.5/10
Anderson f*cked up grabbing the mic. Appropriate for this show.
They do a bunch of rest-holds, then botched interference by Storm winds up giving Gunner the win. Anderson loses in under four minutes, so he’s a chump. Gunner needs help to win, and Storm doesn’t seem to care at all that he just accidentally helped his arch-nemesis move closer towards a world title match… even after said nemesis just PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE. So no one gets over and Anderson gets buried. HOORAY FOR TNA!
Also, Storm’s presence out here indicates that the I Quit Match he and Gunner had at the last PPV doesn’t mean sh*t for their feud. It's just going to keep on going. Way to devalue your gimmick matches, TNA.
MAGNUS IS APPROACHED BY A MYSTERIOUS BRITISH MAN- The mystery chap says that they “need to talk.” I will admit that I am slightly intrigued, but I fear that with the rate of bang-your-head-against-the-wall stupidity on this show, I might not have the brain power left to appreciate it.
MAGNUS & “BRAM” BACKSTAGE- FANTASTIC… but can they really afford to turn Magnus babyface right now?
EC III PROMO- eh.
Apparently he will be facing Kurt Angle one-on-one in a “dream match” (their words… certainly not mine) in seven days. So they are giving away this “dream match” which already has some heat to it... on free TV? Because it’s not like they just had a PPV where they could have made any money off of it or anything, right? And they certainly couldn’t possibly hold off on it a month and do it at Slammiversary where they might actually make some money off of it, right? And, of course, they’re only going to announce it a week in advance.
WRESTLING EXHIBITION: Ethan Carter III vs. Rockstar Spud-
Why is MVP allowing this to take place on his airtime?
They start off by mocking the standard “do not try this at home” disclaimer… because something intended for the safety of children is always a good thing to mock. They do some stuff. It is boring. They had one funny joke. Kurt then comes out in his gear, but with his straps already down… so was he just too lazy to finish getting the whole way dressed, or was he in the middle of making a comeback backstage?
Anyway, Kurt comes out and cuts an absolutely terrible promo. He first warns EC III that next week, “you won’t even be facing Kurt Angle: Olympic Gold Medalist, because that Kurt Angle plays by the rules. This Kurt Angle is out for blood.” So what we have just been told is that the babyface is going to cheat because he is so angry that he wants to injure EC III… but he is apparently too lazy to go down there and hurt EC III right now, and even worse, ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH TO HURT EC III IN A WRESTLING MATCH WHILE FIGHTING FAIRLY (or else he would be able to “play by the rules”).
Kurt then went on and on about how much EC III has pissed him off… but he isn’t going to do anything about it right now.
TBP BACKSTAGE- they talk about how great their celebration will be. This was entirely pointless. JUST DO THE F*CKING CELEBRATION.
KNUX & REBEL SEGMENT FROM SACRIFICE- they shouldn’t have showed this at the PPV in the first place, but especially not if they were going to play it on Impact anyway. Also, a question occurred to me: who is filming this?
Apparently TNA management has already been informed of the name of their new stable: “the Menagerie” and TNA knows that they will be debuting next Thursday. So did TNA just decide to sign Knux’s untrained sister/girlfriend and his crazy carnival buddies to TNA contracts? WHY?! Hell… why did they even sign KNUX to a contract? He did tons of horrible things with the Aces & Eights and he NEVER WINS!
Anyway, we get a logo for the Menagerie, with music that is WAY too goofy for anyone to possibly take this seriously. Hell… I, who can appreciate the character motivations, have tried to get into this, and I still giggle every time Knux said he came from a family of carnival workers. Imagine what a casual fan would think… and especially coupled with this music!
WINNER FACES EY FOR THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TONIGHT: Gunner vs. Bobby Roode- 4/10
Roode wins clean in SIX MINUTES! Yeah, you could say that Gunner wrestled twice tonight… except that the first match only lasted four minutes, and he had a while to rest from it. He might was well have not wrestled at all. He lost a SIX MINUTE MATCH. CHUMP! And, of course, Roode winning doesn’t help anyone at all because Roode will still be going into his match with EY having already wrestled tonight (though admittedly not for much time), but we still have the babyface having an unfair advantage over the heel! THIS COMPANY HAS NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING!
And if Roode was going to win, why do it cleanly?! Where was Storm, trying to screw Gunner over? At least that would have made sense, would have led you one step closer to the inevitable Beer Money reunion (which, for the record, I am very against), and gotten some heat on Roode because at least he wouldn’t deserve the title match he is getting.
THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE GET A LETTER- Apparently TNA has told Angelina that now that she is the champion, she needs to change her wardrobe because it is “crass and much too revealing” and that she and Velvet must now start “dressing as ladies.” In other words, they told the hot chicks that they are no longer allowed to dress in sexy outfits. THIS COMPANY IS RUN BY IDIOTS!
To make matters worse, Velvet was blowing this off until Angelina told her that the letter was from the “TNA Board of Directors” and then Velvet started to take it seriously. WHO THE F*CK ARE THE TNA BOARD OF DIRECTORS?! And why have they chosen this random issue to meddle in? And why have they chosen to start meddling right now, as opposed to the “much too revealing” outfits that Knockouts Champs of the past have worn?
So Angelina makes a plan: They will wear evening gowns… “but let’s just say… nobody’s gonna really know, by the time the celebration is done, what we are going to be wearing.”
So the hook for us, the viewers, for this celebration is that we will get to see Angelina and Velvet dressed in sexy clothes. So what? We’ve seen that a million times before. We see it every damn week. Hell… we’re seeing it right now. How is that supposed to be a hook?
DIXIE SEGMENT- she shows up… with SECURITY. WHERE THE F*CK WERE THESE ASSHOLES BEFORE?! Why did they NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO DO THEIR JOBS when Abyss was trying to murder Magnus. And speaking of which, why has MVP not yet addressed the Abyss situation?
So Dixie, the heel, cuts a promo… and she’s got a point. Bully, a three hundred pound man, is threatening little Dixie Carter… when she has every right to be pissed at him because HE DOUBLE CROSSED HER AND STOLE HER MONEY. Why are we supposed to cheer for Bully? He is an asshole! Don’t get me wrong; Dixie is, too… but she’s the heel! She’s supposed to be!
Bully comes out and says he’s going to put Dixie through a table… and once again, we all know that it will never happen. Bully starts to talk to the security guys and convince them to let him assault their boss… and they do, because I guess they just hate being employed. (Taz even says “I would never hire those guys”). Bully threatens the last three security guards, but they are not cowards. Bully beats them up. Dixie does not even attempt to get out of the ring because she is an idiot. So Bully grabs her and is about to lift her up for a powerbomb, but someone comes out ot make the save for Dixie.
Is it her loving nephew, Ethan Carter III?
Or perhaps her faithful Chief of Staff, Rockstar Spud, who was trying to hide her from Bully’s wrath earlier?
Maybe even their allies, the Bro-Mans & Zema Ion?
Or how about the man she aided on Sunday’s PPV, Bobby Roode?
Or maybe it was some heel who wants to earn the owner’s favor?
NOPE!
It was MVP. That’s right. MVP. Why does he do this? Because he was apparently “tired of their personal vendetta.” So where the f*ck was he earlier? Why is Bully beating up the security guards okay? THIS IS SO STUPID!
And then it got worse.
MVP decides to bar them both form the Impact Zone until further notice. So Dixie is now banned from appearing in an arena that she OWNS? HOW?! And what if they want to fight in the parking lot? Why is that okay? And, for the record, Bully did not fulfill his vow to put Dixie through a table tonight (“so help me G-d”), so what we learned from this segment is that G-d hates Bully Ray.
MVP also teased saying the S Word. I’m surprised Spike Standards & Practices hasn’t kicked Impact off the air for things like this. I don’t see how anyone with any standards could possibly allow this show to air on their network.
WILLOW vs. JAMES STORM – 0.5/10
Willow is no longer just “the alter-ego of Jeff Hardy. He is now the “wildly aggressive alter-ego of Jeff Hardy.” Tenay made sure to mention this pretty much every time Willow’s name was spoken while hyping this match. Taz, in typical form, couldn’t even get that simple phrase right and instead said “the angry alter-ego of Jeff Hardy.”
The match is very short. Storm gets DQed for shoving the ref. Yeah. Storm had to get DQed, because G-d forbid that the “wildly aggressive alter-ego of Jeff Hardy” who has already made a habit of getting DQed for not listening to the referee should be the one to get DQed for shoving a ref.
Anyway, Storm takes an open beer bottle (which just happened to be lying around under the ring) and breaks it on the ringpost. He threatens Willow with it, but Willow fights back with his umbrella and manages to wrest the beer bottle away from Storm. Willow backs Storm up the ramp, and then Mr. Anderson comes out from behind Storm. Storm sees him and tries to sucker-punch him, but Anderson blocks it and delivers a Mic Check onto the ramp which Storm didn’t take very well. Anyway, they have now completely eliminated Storm’s heat on the very first week of the program. Why not have Anderson come out and save Willow from Storm (with Storm running away) so that Storm doesn’t look like such a chump and still has some heat for next week?
BRO-MANS & ZEMA YELL AT MVP- MVP books Bro-Mans & Zema vs. The Wolves & a Mystery Partner for right now.
MVP & BULLY YELL AT EACH OTHER- oh. Well. I guess MVP is perfectly fine with Bully assaulting Dixie outside of the arena. This doesn’t make MVP come off like a babyface. It makes him come off as someone only concerned with making sure that his own ass doesn’t get in trouble.
EY PROMO- good
ZEMA ION & BRO-MANS vs. THE WOLVES & SANADA- no rating.
I would have called this a “fun squash” except that the tag title match from Sunday’s PPV was essentially the exact same match and it is absolutely impossible for anything during this show to be considered “fun.”
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE SEGMENT- they start to strip, but then stop and say that the fans are pathetic for thinking that they would strip. Then they claim that THEY wrote the letter to themselves, just to trick the fans. WHY?! Why go through the trouble of even writing the f*cking letter and then acting afraid backstage in front of a cameraman who you didn’t even know was there?! Just claim you got a letter like Angelina did here! You made yourself do fifty times the work… and NO ONE BELIEVED YOU ANYWAY!
Gail Kim then came out and said that she would make sure that TBP get stripped. TBP retreat, but Madison and Britney come up behind them and rip their dresses off. TBP run away, still in their underwear, but Madison and Britney do not bother to follow them. So the babyfaces out-numbered the heels and two of the babyfaces actually attacked the heels from behind… and they didn’t even care about accomplishing their stated goal and getting revenge for the fans? FAIL! ON SO MANY LEVELS!
And where was MVP during this? Surely nudity would get TNA in a lot of trouble… but he did absolutely nothing to stop it!
You’ve got to love (read as: “scream at”) how Madison and Britney are working together now despite Madison’s total rejection of Britney on last week’s show. Gail came out of this with physical possession of the Knockouts’ Title belt.
COMMERCIAL FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY: JOKER’S WILD- this included clips of a match between Gail Kim and Lei’D Tapa. This would be the same Lei’D Tapa who was kayfabe fired over a month ago. I completely understand not taking the match off of the PPV, but at least have the decency to not put clips of it in the f*cking commercial.
Next week on Impact, the Wolves will defend their titles against Bro-Mans… in a totally pointless Ladder Match.
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Eric Young(c) vs. Bobby Roode-5.5/10
A short, pointless world title match… and they still felt the need to kick out of each other’s finishers.
BULLY RAY PROMO- he says he is going to Nashville to beat Dixie up. I don’t give a sh*t.
This was one of the most wretched shows I have ever seen in my life. There was stupidity caked upon stupidity, the announcing was horrendous, and the segments that weren’t idiotic were all counter-productive. I hope that they amend the Geneva Convention to make showing this episode of Impact to P.O.W.’s a war crime. The fact that TNA would put on a show this bad offends me as a viewer. It shows such a lack of caring about the product that they put on. Everyone in TNA management, especially Dixie Carter and the creative team, should be absolutely ashamed of themselves… but I’m certain that they think it was fantastic television, because stupidity is the only alternative explanation to them purposely putting on an atrocious show. THIS is the sort of show that makes me wish this company would just die.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Taz informed us that Roode vs. Gunner “should be pretty intense- heavy duty physicality as far as a grappling contest or a wrestling match or whatever you want to call it.”
Whatever I want to call it? Well then I hope I enjoy this “SHUT THE F*CK UP, TAZ, YOU BLITHERING MORON!” Some advice to aspiring wrestling announcers: If you don’t know what you’re going to say, DON’T OPEN YOUR F*CKING MOUTH IN THE FIRST PLACE! Not obeying this rule will cause you to sound like… well… Taz. The fact that he has been saying things like this on a weekly basis for the past five years… and TNA still gave him a contract extension last year really speaks to just how dedicated they must be to absolutely sucking. And the fact that this show is post-produced and yet they still don’t edit things like this out shows you how little they care about their product or their audience.
BRM Reviews the 5/1/2014 Impact (PURE TORTURE)
- Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 5/1/2014 Impact (PURE TORTURE)
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Upcoming Reviews:
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Upcoming Reviews:
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
DGUSA Open the Ultimate Gate 2013
ROH/CMLL Global Wars Espectacular: Day 3
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