BRM Reviews the 4/28/2014 Raw

[Big Red Machine]

We have a new cage and I don’t like it. The corners are basically holes. They’re not THAT big, but just the concept really annoys me. It seems custom-built to allow someone to slip a weapon in.

JOHN CENA PROMO- awesome in the beginning, until he said (about Bray”if he escapes that cage this Sunday, so does his message.” So either Cena is dumb and thinks that beating Bray in a cage match will stop Bray from talking… or Cena just stated his intention to murder Bray Wyatt. The announcers would later use this same phrasing, too, so either they are equally dumb, or they are advocating Cena murdering Bray.
Anyway, Cena gets interrupted by what turns out to be an entire choir of children singing multiple verses of “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands.” I can only assume that these children are either the offspring of other followers of Bray’s, or that they are all orphans attending the Sister Abigail Memorial Boarding School for Wayward Children.
Bray then shows up and he, Harper, and Rowan lead the children down to ringside and sing with them. Bray then has them sing “He’s got the whole Ce-nation in his hands.” This is SO F*CKING CREEPY AND FANTASTIC! I think Michael Cole put it best when he called it “chilling.”
They then sang “he’s got the big bad monster in his hands. Then the lights went off, and when they came back on, all the kids had lamb masks on… and one of them is sitting on Bray’s lap in the rocking chair. Cena looks on with this look of sadness and concern and defeat… and Bray just laughs. This is a moment in wrestling history that will never be forgotten.

WWE TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: The Usos(c) vs. Curtis Axel & Ryback- 6.25/10
Ryback appears to have spilled paint all over the front of his singlet. Jey Uso hurt his ankle early on a dive, forcing Jimmy to wrestle what was essentially a handicap match… until he really needed to tag out, so he had no choice but to tag Jey in. The match was great until Jimmy started forgetting to sell. The finish looked totally awesome, though.


ADAM ROSE WILL BE ON RAW NEXT WEEK- judgment day for him.

CESARO & HEYMAN BACKSTAGE- great!

TITUS O’NEIL vs. SHEAMUS- no rating. Bad segment.
Titus jumps Sheamus from behind as Sheamus came down the ramp and beat him up a lot, then got beaten with one Brogue Kick after the ref distracted him. No one got over. If Titus is going to jump Sheamus from behind, LET HIM GET THE WIN!

DOLPH ZIGGLER, HUGH JACKSON & DAMIEN SANDOW SEGMENT- I skipped it. Days of Future Past was a overrated sh*tty random time travel story and I will never understand why people like it so much. Damien Sandow appears to have showed up, dressed as Magneto. Sandow’s character is now dead.

JACK SWAGGER (w/Zeb Coulter) vs. CESARO (w/Paul Heyman)-5.25/10
See… I would care a lot more about this match he Cesaro hadn’t beaten Swagger clean just three days ago on Smackdown. This match was also disappointing, but at least the finish wasn't clean. They need to be careful not to turn Zeb and Swagger into babyfaces.

ALBERTO DEL RIO vs. CODY RHODES (w/Goldust)- 3/10
Apparently the Rhodes Brothers have a special handshake that means "strength and honor amongst brotherhood." I swear to G-d Michael Cole said this, and that they did it on the app when Cole asked them a question about dissension. My brother and I had a secret handshake with a similar meaning. The last time we did it, I was eight years old and my brother was five. The Cody and Dustin are FULLY GROWN MEN.
Cody taps in less than five minutes. If he is going to lose the match, you should at least give him time to not look like a total chump.

XAVIER WOODS (w/R-Truth) vs. ALEXANDER RUSEV (w/Lana)- DUD!
Lana needs to stop saying "resistance is futile" or else people will keep making Borg jokes.
This was a match we've seen a million times already. Thankfully it was short, though Truth interfering was kind of heelish. Rusev hadn't done anything wrong.
The aftermath with Truth and Woods working as a team was good build to their handicap match.

CENA MAKE-A-WISH STUFF- Did they really hang a Doug Wickenheiser Jersey in a pediatric ward? There are so many athletes out there who have beaten cancer... and they picked the guy who lost his career and died because of it?

RVD & ZEB COULTER- good

LOS MATADORES (w/El Torito) vs. DREW MCINTYRE & HEATH SLATER (w/Jinder Mahal & Hornswoggle)- no rating. Fun segment.
Apparently Hornswoggle and El Torito will face off on the Extreme Rules pre-show... in a WEE-L-C match. I LOVE IT!
The announcers all marked out in surprise for 3MB's victory. Heath's finisher is way too cool for a jobber to be using.

DRAGON & STEPH (& BRIE) SEGMENT- good.Steph teases the possibility of Dragon and his wife being champions together (#BRMBookedItFirst) and books Brie vs. Paige for the Divas Title for right now.

WWE DIVAS TITLE MATCH: Paige(c) vs. Brie Bella (w/Daniel Bryan)- no rating. Bad segment.
I understand that she is in the middle of a match, but if she wants to turn it into a babyface comeback catchphrase, she needs to shout "BRIE MODE!" a lot louder.
You've got to love the selective logic in WWE here. Michael Cole asks what Brie has done to earn a championship match, but never asks this question the many other times it has been relevant.
As I'm sure everyone saw coming, Kane attacked during this match. He came up though a hole in the ring and tired to pull Brie in. Why? What's he going to do to her down there in the few seconds it would take for someone to get under the ring and save her? And as this segment demonstrated, coming up from under the ring mans you are stuck in a whole and someone can just stomp on you all day. Also, why is Kane attacking Brie when Bryan is so close at hand? Wouldn't it make more sense for him to attack Bryan?
Anyway, Kane lays Bryan out and tires to drag brie back down under the ring, but BRIE BELLA fights him off. Yes. BRIE BELLA escaped from Kane's evil clutches with her own strength when the strength of Dragon's stomps wasn't enough to help her escape. Then Kane gave up just because. Kane laying Dragon out with a chokeslam was good, but otherwise this sucked because so much of it made no sense... unless Bray is controlling Kane and this was all part of Bray's evil plan (remember: "he's got the big bad monster in his hand")

DRAGON, BRIE, & STEPH IN THE TRAINER'S ROOM- I was about to complain about Brie's lack of lines, but this solved that problem pretty effectively. When was the last time you heard the word "b*tch" on WWE TV?

JOHN CENA PROMO- MADE NO SENSE!
So Cena is able to get over Bray Wyatt indoctrinating children because the fans are making some noise for him, too? WHAT THE F*CK?!

BAD NEWS BARRETT PROMO- good... aside from the fact that, by his own math, Wade was wearing diapers at age 25.

IC TITLE #1 CONTENDERSHIP TOURNAMENT FINALS: Wade Barrett vs. Rob Van Dam- 6.5/10
Match was good... and Swagger tried to make the save for the babyface... and it makes perfect sense. THIS IS SO NUTS!
Wait... No Swagger is beating up RVD, too! JBL kept trying to put over the fact that the IC Title can "make careers," but he kept giving examples of IC Title matches that made careers.
RVD hitting Cesaro with the Five Star Frog Splash was a mistake because it took away Cesaro's heat.

SHIELD PROMO- F*CKING AWESOME!

RANDY ORTON (w/Evolution) vs. ROMAN REIGNS (w/the Shield)
Well… Flair is back. And he put over the Shield!
There was a fan in the front row with a sign that said “It’s not Roman Reigns. It’s Roman Pours.” I hope he got a flat tire on the way home. Evolution beat down the Shield to set up for their match on Sunday's PPV... or not. Shield make a comeback. That shouldn't have happened. Let them get their revenge one the PPV!

Lots of good stuff on Raw, but very disappointing in the ring.