BRM Reviews the 4/3/2014 Impact (thank G-d for Kenny King)

[Big Red Machine]

TABLES MATCH: Bully Ray & Willow-the-Wisp vs. Bobby Roode & Ethan Carter III-
The show opens with the heels entrances already skipped, which means they are trying to fit a lot of stuff on the show. Usually not a good sign. Anyway, stuff happens and Willow is about to out EC III through a table, but Spud wheels himself down the ramp in a wheelchair, and rather than win the match, our babyface decides to go assault the match in the wheelchair who hasn’t done anything to him. Willow then carries Spud off to the back, leaving Bully alone, resulting in Roode eventually putting Bully through a table.
Taz and Tenay kept talking about how “impressive” it was that the heels beat Bully in a tables match, totally ignoring the fact that it was 2-on-1. There’s nothing impressive about beating someone in a 2-on-1 situation!
The heels then decide to put Bully through a second table, just to be heels. Then they decide to put Bully through a third table. No one comes out to help Bully at any point because apparently all of the babyfaces in TNA are selfish jerks. MVP, Lashley or the Wolves all would have made perfect sense, but no one came out to make the save.

KENNY KING BACKSTAGE- apparently he isn’t booked tonight. I guess that makes MVP, our babyface authority figure, a liar.

MVP RUNS DOWN THE CARD- bad
AHA! Matches actually BOOKED IN ADVANCE! HOORAY!
Then Kenny King shows up and MVP tries to blow him off, but Kenny says he will sit right there until MVP has time for him.

STRAIGHTJACKET MATCH: Mr. Anderson vs. Sam Shaw- DUD!
Shaw needs creepier music. Apparently you win this match by putting the other guy in a straightjacket. It would have been nice if someone explained that BEFORE the match.
I was SOOOO bored during this match. It was all the worst parts of a casket match (i.e. the trying to get the other guy into the casket) with none of the visual spectacle. Anyway, Shaw gets Anderson in the straightjacket and then… does nothing. So what was the point of the whole thing?

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE PROMO- eh. They have giant racks. Not news, I know, but they were a major focus of this segment.

EY PROMO- great.

MATCH #1 IN A BEST OF 3 SERIES FOR THE TNA X-DIVISION TITLE: Sanada(c) vs. Tigre Uno-
Wait… WHAT THE F*CK?! How did Tigre Uno become #1 contender to the X-Division Title? And why the hell are they having a best of three series for the title? Shouldn’t beating the champ once be enough to make you the champion?
Oh. And Christy’s introduction of this match as a “best of three of the X-Division Title” made me think it was a 2-out-of-3 falls match. They really need to find a ring announcer who doesn’t f*ck up so often. It’s a taped show. They should have at least had Christy do something in post-production to make sure she did the world’s easiest job competently.
Before the match started, Kenny King came out and cut a promo in which he claimed that he and the X-Division were born on the same day. This would make Kenny close to twelve years old. I can believe that Kenny King did, as he claimed, do a 630 senton out of his mother’s womb, but the idea that someone who is not yet twelve years old could possibly have such well-groomed facial hair just completely takes me out of this whole concept.
Anyway, Kenny King was 100% F*CKING AWESOME here. His stuff with MVP was great, and they will now be having a match tonight.

MATCH #1 IN A BEST OF 3 SERIES FOR THE TNA X-DIVISION TITLE: Sanada(c) vs. Tigre Uno (for real this time)- 4/10
They went about four minutes, and the champ won. Why the hell should Uno even get another match?

MADISON RAYNE & BRITTANY BACKSTAGE- eh.
Brittany will team with Madison tonight. Her dialogue was almost as painfully scripted as Velvet’s has been recently.

MAGNUS & ABYSS SEGMENT- SO F*CKING BORING IT MADE ME WANT TO BLOW MY BRAINS OUT.
After they were done with their super-boring talking, Eric Young, the babyface, jumped Abyss form behind like a coward. Magnus came back to save Abyss, then Joe came out to save EY. Then EY gets upset at Joe for saving him. This segment was extremely boring, extremely dumb, and extremely unnecessary.

THE WOLVES, MVP, & ROBBIE BACKSTAGE- bad.
They talk about some tag title match that was supposed to happen tonight… and yet MVP neglected to mention it when he was running down the card earlier. We are also now over half-way through the show and the announcers haven’t mentioned it once. Poor promoting.
Then Robbie shows up with a doctor saying that they can’t have the match tonight because Jesse pulled a muscle. The Wolves react like this pulled muscle means that the match has been cancelled forever and can never be rescheduled. This show sucks.

KNUX RETURNS VIDEO-DOCUMENTARY WHATEVER- no one gives a f*ck. Is there even supposed to be some sort of wrestling-based pay-off to this?

THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE vs. MADISON RAYNE & BRITTANY- 1/10
TBP have seen Jimmy Jacobs’ old furry boots and have raised him by a furry miniskirt. TBP win a short match, making the new girl look like sh*t.

WRESTLING EXHIBITION: MVP vs. Kenny King- no rating. GREAT segment (although I wasn’t too happy with Kenny getting showed up quite so much in the beginning.

MAGNUS TRIES TO GET EC III TO HELP HIM IN TONIGHT’S TITLE MATCH- okay segment.

KENNY KING PROMO- MVP jumps Kenny. The Wolves pull them apart. I didn’t like this. I thought they did enough before.

FOUR WAY MATCH FOR THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: Magnus(c) vs. Abyss vs. Samoa Joe vs. Eric Young- 5/10
Exactly what we thought would happen. Magnus convinces Abyss to do what he says. Magnus retains, and MVP looks like a f*cking moron.

WRATH OF DIXIE PROMO- why would MVP allow this? And what power does Dixie have to inflict her wrath?

Another bad Impact, with everything sucking aside from the Kenny King stuff, which was awesome. One thing I will say in this show’s favor, though, is that this is the first Impact in a VERY long time (I mean YEARS) where it felt like the WRESTLING was what was important.

[badnewzxl]

1. I might end up checking every episode of Impact out just to see the BP's. and hasn't Brittany been there? Or am I thinking of someone else?

2. Isn't that always the stip to a straightjacket match?

[Big Red Machine]

1. I might end up checking every episode of Impact out just to see the BP's. and hasn't Brittany been there? Or am I thinking of someone else?

2. Isn't that always the stip to a straightjacket match?

1. She has had one previous match, a few weeks ago, then was never mentioned again. Also, she worked the crime against wrestling that was One Night only: Knockouts Knockdown

2. I had never even heard of a straightjacket match before. And even so, if you are doing match that isn't common, you should always remind the fans of the stips.

[Big Red Machine]

And one more thing to add: Gunner and Storm have an awesome match last week... and neither one of them, nor the match, were even mentioned once.