BRM Reviews the 1/13/2014 Raw
Posted: Jan 14th, '14, 17:27
Lawler: “Appears is the right words. Seconds ago they weren’t there, and now they are.”
This has been your weekly English lesson with Jerry Lawler.
THE USOS vs. BRAY WYATT & DANIEL BRYAN (w/Luke Harper & Erick Rowan)- 4.75/10
Yet another loss for the Wyatts since adding Dragon to the team, this time via DQ, but still at a point when the Usos were in total control. Some help he’s been. To make matters even worse, Dragon is the one who takes the superkick when one of the Usos manages to escape a post-match beating. Dragon is unhappy, but Bray whispers sweet nothings into his ear and Dragon lets Bray hit him with Sister Abigail. That was weird.
JOHN CENA vs. DAMIEN SANDOW- 5.25/10
To get us excited for this match, they show us clips of a one-armed John Cena cleanly and soundly defeating a two-armed Damien Sandow… so why the hell should we think that Sandow is anything even close to a danger to a fully healthy Cena?
KANE & MADDOX BACKSTAGE- bad.
They bicker just for the sake of bickering. Apparently Maddox thinks that one DQ finish means that the whole show is out of control. The end result of this is a steel cage match between the Usos and Bray and Bryan with the door chained shut and Kane holding the only key because… um…
They decide to book this match for tonight, with just two hours of build, instead of for Smackdown where it would have four days of build because Smackdown is unimportant and no one should ever watch it.
Time for a tangent. They have been advertising for tonight a six man tag team match pitting the Shield against CM Puink and the New Age Outlaws. That was the same as the main event on Smackdown. The Usos vs. Wyatts match ended in a non-finish and a post-match beatdown, just like on Smackdown. If everything important that happens on Smackdown is just going to be repeated on Raw, why the hell should anyone ever watch Smackdown? The fact that WWE completely squanders EIGHT HOURS of TV each month is completely baffling to me.
When they announced that Smackdown would have some renewed focus with Cena as champ, I was thrilled. I, like many others, started to tune in every week. Last week I decided to skip Smackdown. I’m glad that I did, and I don’t think I’ll be tuning in this week, either.
I skipped last week’s show. I’m glad I did.
THE BIG SHOW vs. JACK SWAGGER (w/Antonio Cesaro & Zeb Coulter)- squash.
A former World Heavyweight Champion being squashed. Then, after the match, the Big Show assaults a 64 year old man… because that’s what a good babyface does.
CM PUNK & THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS vs. THE SHIELD- 5/10
For some reason the New Age Outlaws decided to walk out on Punk. They worked perfectly well together as a team on Smackdown, so why would they screw him now? Punk actually manages to get the best of both Ambrose and Rollins before eating a Spear from Reigns for the pin. That was a nice touch at the end. The Shield decide to give Punk a triple powerbomb after the match, just to be mean.
WYATTS PROMO- great, as usual.
THE FUNKADACTYLS vs. AJ LEE & TAMINA SNUKA-0.75/10
Heels win clean, then go for a post-match beatdown, but Naomi saves Cameron and takes down both heels. I guess she’s getting the title shot at Royal Rumble.
ORTON WALKING THROUGH THE HALLS- he is unhappy for some reason and is yelling for Hunter and Steph.
KANE & ORTON BACKSTAGE- Randy is being a whiny b*tch… which is fine for a heel. Kane books Orton vs. Kofi for tonight. Orton is happy about this.
ULTIMATE WARRIOR WILL BE GOING INTO THE HALL OF FAME- Did not see this one coming. As someone who never lived through Warrior’s glory days, I am quite against this, purely because of his both horrible outings since then and his behavior out of the ring (he held Vince up for money at least once). Why would you ever do business with him again? Basically, he is a sh*tty Goldberg who has a much-less-than-stellar reputation for doing business.
PAUL HEYMAN PROMO- awesome, as always.
KOFI KINGSTONG vs. RANDY ORTON- 7/10
Loved it! What a valiant babyface! If only Brock Lesnar hadn’t claimed the next title shot, I would have had Orton just destroy Kofi here and then have Kofi return and get a title shot at Elimination Chamber.
HOLY SH*T ORTON JUST ATTACKED A PLANT! This could go somewhere interesting.
Or not. Apparently the plant is Cena’s dad. Snore. We’ve seen this already, and I didn’t care back then, when Cena being on top wasn’t yet a major source of frustration.
And what a sh*tty way to do this! Orton attacks Cena father not to anger Cena… but just because he is frustrated and going nuts and the fan he decides to attack just accidentally happens to be Cena’s father?
Also, having the plant Cena’s father completely takes away from this major win for Kofi.
CODY RHODES & GOLDUST vs. CURTIS AXEL & RYBACK- 4.25/10
BATISTA RETURN PROMO- I am so psyched for this!
REY MYSTERIO JR. vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO- 5.5/10
Rey’s promo about wanting to win the Royal Rumble was good. Del Rio beat Rey clean, which was surprising. Del Rio then cut a good promo on Batista.
KANE & PUNK BACKSTAGE- good.
The build to Punk vs. Hunter begins. Also, Punk will be in the Royal Rumble.
SPLIT-SCREEN USOS PROMO- goofy
Apparently they have now changed their story so that Orton knowingly and with malice aforethought attacked Cena’s father specifically.
STEEL CAGE MATCH WITH ONLY KANE HAVING THE KEY: The Usos vs. Daniel Bryan & Bray Wyatt- 6.25/10
So it has been established that the Wyatts have magical teleporting powers… so why can’t they just teleport out of the cage and win?
Not only do the Usos win, but they then fight off a totally fresh Harper and Rowan. Then Dragon leaves the Wyatt Family. So the two and a half months spent trying to get Dragon to join the Wyatt Family led to LESS THAN TWO FULL RAWS before he left them again, accomplishing absolutely f*cking nothing.
This has been your weekly English lesson with Jerry Lawler.
THE USOS vs. BRAY WYATT & DANIEL BRYAN (w/Luke Harper & Erick Rowan)- 4.75/10
Yet another loss for the Wyatts since adding Dragon to the team, this time via DQ, but still at a point when the Usos were in total control. Some help he’s been. To make matters even worse, Dragon is the one who takes the superkick when one of the Usos manages to escape a post-match beating. Dragon is unhappy, but Bray whispers sweet nothings into his ear and Dragon lets Bray hit him with Sister Abigail. That was weird.
JOHN CENA vs. DAMIEN SANDOW- 5.25/10
To get us excited for this match, they show us clips of a one-armed John Cena cleanly and soundly defeating a two-armed Damien Sandow… so why the hell should we think that Sandow is anything even close to a danger to a fully healthy Cena?
KANE & MADDOX BACKSTAGE- bad.
They bicker just for the sake of bickering. Apparently Maddox thinks that one DQ finish means that the whole show is out of control. The end result of this is a steel cage match between the Usos and Bray and Bryan with the door chained shut and Kane holding the only key because… um…
They decide to book this match for tonight, with just two hours of build, instead of for Smackdown where it would have four days of build because Smackdown is unimportant and no one should ever watch it.
Time for a tangent. They have been advertising for tonight a six man tag team match pitting the Shield against CM Puink and the New Age Outlaws. That was the same as the main event on Smackdown. The Usos vs. Wyatts match ended in a non-finish and a post-match beatdown, just like on Smackdown. If everything important that happens on Smackdown is just going to be repeated on Raw, why the hell should anyone ever watch Smackdown? The fact that WWE completely squanders EIGHT HOURS of TV each month is completely baffling to me.
When they announced that Smackdown would have some renewed focus with Cena as champ, I was thrilled. I, like many others, started to tune in every week. Last week I decided to skip Smackdown. I’m glad that I did, and I don’t think I’ll be tuning in this week, either.
I skipped last week’s show. I’m glad I did.
THE BIG SHOW vs. JACK SWAGGER (w/Antonio Cesaro & Zeb Coulter)- squash.
A former World Heavyweight Champion being squashed. Then, after the match, the Big Show assaults a 64 year old man… because that’s what a good babyface does.
CM PUNK & THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS vs. THE SHIELD- 5/10
For some reason the New Age Outlaws decided to walk out on Punk. They worked perfectly well together as a team on Smackdown, so why would they screw him now? Punk actually manages to get the best of both Ambrose and Rollins before eating a Spear from Reigns for the pin. That was a nice touch at the end. The Shield decide to give Punk a triple powerbomb after the match, just to be mean.
WYATTS PROMO- great, as usual.
THE FUNKADACTYLS vs. AJ LEE & TAMINA SNUKA-0.75/10
Heels win clean, then go for a post-match beatdown, but Naomi saves Cameron and takes down both heels. I guess she’s getting the title shot at Royal Rumble.
ORTON WALKING THROUGH THE HALLS- he is unhappy for some reason and is yelling for Hunter and Steph.
KANE & ORTON BACKSTAGE- Randy is being a whiny b*tch… which is fine for a heel. Kane books Orton vs. Kofi for tonight. Orton is happy about this.
ULTIMATE WARRIOR WILL BE GOING INTO THE HALL OF FAME- Did not see this one coming. As someone who never lived through Warrior’s glory days, I am quite against this, purely because of his both horrible outings since then and his behavior out of the ring (he held Vince up for money at least once). Why would you ever do business with him again? Basically, he is a sh*tty Goldberg who has a much-less-than-stellar reputation for doing business.
PAUL HEYMAN PROMO- awesome, as always.
KOFI KINGSTONG vs. RANDY ORTON- 7/10
Loved it! What a valiant babyface! If only Brock Lesnar hadn’t claimed the next title shot, I would have had Orton just destroy Kofi here and then have Kofi return and get a title shot at Elimination Chamber.
HOLY SH*T ORTON JUST ATTACKED A PLANT! This could go somewhere interesting.
Or not. Apparently the plant is Cena’s dad. Snore. We’ve seen this already, and I didn’t care back then, when Cena being on top wasn’t yet a major source of frustration.
And what a sh*tty way to do this! Orton attacks Cena father not to anger Cena… but just because he is frustrated and going nuts and the fan he decides to attack just accidentally happens to be Cena’s father?
Also, having the plant Cena’s father completely takes away from this major win for Kofi.
CODY RHODES & GOLDUST vs. CURTIS AXEL & RYBACK- 4.25/10
BATISTA RETURN PROMO- I am so psyched for this!
REY MYSTERIO JR. vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO- 5.5/10
Rey’s promo about wanting to win the Royal Rumble was good. Del Rio beat Rey clean, which was surprising. Del Rio then cut a good promo on Batista.
KANE & PUNK BACKSTAGE- good.
The build to Punk vs. Hunter begins. Also, Punk will be in the Royal Rumble.
SPLIT-SCREEN USOS PROMO- goofy
Apparently they have now changed their story so that Orton knowingly and with malice aforethought attacked Cena’s father specifically.
STEEL CAGE MATCH WITH ONLY KANE HAVING THE KEY: The Usos vs. Daniel Bryan & Bray Wyatt- 6.25/10
So it has been established that the Wyatts have magical teleporting powers… so why can’t they just teleport out of the cage and win?
Not only do the Usos win, but they then fight off a totally fresh Harper and Rowan. Then Dragon leaves the Wyatt Family. So the two and a half months spent trying to get Dragon to join the Wyatt Family led to LESS THAN TWO FULL RAWS before he left them again, accomplishing absolutely f*cking nothing.