BRM Reviews the 1/13/2014 Raw

[Big Red Machine]

Lawler: “Appears is the right words. Seconds ago they weren’t there, and now they are.”
This has been your weekly English lesson with Jerry Lawler.

THE USOS vs. BRAY WYATT & DANIEL BRYAN (w/Luke Harper & Erick Rowan)- 4.75/10
Yet another loss for the Wyatts since adding Dragon to the team, this time via DQ, but still at a point when the Usos were in total control. Some help he’s been. To make matters even worse, Dragon is the one who takes the superkick when one of the Usos manages to escape a post-match beating. Dragon is unhappy, but Bray whispers sweet nothings into his ear and Dragon lets Bray hit him with Sister Abigail. That was weird.

JOHN CENA vs. DAMIEN SANDOW- 5.25/10
To get us excited for this match, they show us clips of a one-armed John Cena cleanly and soundly defeating a two-armed Damien Sandow… so why the hell should we think that Sandow is anything even close to a danger to a fully healthy Cena?

KANE & MADDOX BACKSTAGE- bad.
They bicker just for the sake of bickering. Apparently Maddox thinks that one DQ finish means that the whole show is out of control. The end result of this is a steel cage match between the Usos and Bray and Bryan with the door chained shut and Kane holding the only key because… um…
They decide to book this match for tonight, with just two hours of build, instead of for Smackdown where it would have four days of build because Smackdown is unimportant and no one should ever watch it.
Time for a tangent. They have been advertising for tonight a six man tag team match pitting the Shield against CM Puink and the New Age Outlaws. That was the same as the main event on Smackdown. The Usos vs. Wyatts match ended in a non-finish and a post-match beatdown, just like on Smackdown. If everything important that happens on Smackdown is just going to be repeated on Raw, why the hell should anyone ever watch Smackdown? The fact that WWE completely squanders EIGHT HOURS of TV each month is completely baffling to me.
When they announced that Smackdown would have some renewed focus with Cena as champ, I was thrilled. I, like many others, started to tune in every week. Last week I decided to skip Smackdown. I’m glad that I did, and I don’t think I’ll be tuning in this week, either.
I skipped last week’s show. I’m glad I did.
THE BIG SHOW vs. JACK SWAGGER (w/Antonio Cesaro & Zeb Coulter)- squash.
A former World Heavyweight Champion being squashed. Then, after the match, the Big Show assaults a 64 year old man… because that’s what a good babyface does.

CM PUNK & THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS vs. THE SHIELD- 5/10
For some reason the New Age Outlaws decided to walk out on Punk. They worked perfectly well together as a team on Smackdown, so why would they screw him now? Punk actually manages to get the best of both Ambrose and Rollins before eating a Spear from Reigns for the pin. That was a nice touch at the end. The Shield decide to give Punk a triple powerbomb after the match, just to be mean.

WYATTS PROMO- great, as usual.

THE FUNKADACTYLS vs. AJ LEE & TAMINA SNUKA-0.75/10
Heels win clean, then go for a post-match beatdown, but Naomi saves Cameron and takes down both heels. I guess she’s getting the title shot at Royal Rumble.

ORTON WALKING THROUGH THE HALLS- he is unhappy for some reason and is yelling for Hunter and Steph.

KANE & ORTON BACKSTAGE- Randy is being a whiny b*tch… which is fine for a heel. Kane books Orton vs. Kofi for tonight. Orton is happy about this.

ULTIMATE WARRIOR WILL BE GOING INTO THE HALL OF FAME- Did not see this one coming. As someone who never lived through Warrior’s glory days, I am quite against this, purely because of his both horrible outings since then and his behavior out of the ring (he held Vince up for money at least once). Why would you ever do business with him again? Basically, he is a sh*tty Goldberg who has a much-less-than-stellar reputation for doing business.

PAUL HEYMAN PROMO- awesome, as always.

KOFI KINGSTONG vs. RANDY ORTON- 7/10
Loved it! What a valiant babyface! If only Brock Lesnar hadn’t claimed the next title shot, I would have had Orton just destroy Kofi here and then have Kofi return and get a title shot at Elimination Chamber.
HOLY SH*T ORTON JUST ATTACKED A PLANT! This could go somewhere interesting.
Or not. Apparently the plant is Cena’s dad. Snore. We’ve seen this already, and I didn’t care back then, when Cena being on top wasn’t yet a major source of frustration.
And what a sh*tty way to do this! Orton attacks Cena father not to anger Cena… but just because he is frustrated and going nuts and the fan he decides to attack just accidentally happens to be Cena’s father?
Also, having the plant Cena’s father completely takes away from this major win for Kofi.

CODY RHODES & GOLDUST vs. CURTIS AXEL & RYBACK- 4.25/10

BATISTA RETURN PROMO- I am so psyched for this!

REY MYSTERIO JR. vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO- 5.5/10
Rey’s promo about wanting to win the Royal Rumble was good. Del Rio beat Rey clean, which was surprising. Del Rio then cut a good promo on Batista.

KANE & PUNK BACKSTAGE- good.
The build to Punk vs. Hunter begins. Also, Punk will be in the Royal Rumble.

SPLIT-SCREEN USOS PROMO- goofy

Apparently they have now changed their story so that Orton knowingly and with malice aforethought attacked Cena’s father specifically.

STEEL CAGE MATCH WITH ONLY KANE HAVING THE KEY: The Usos vs. Daniel Bryan & Bray Wyatt- 6.25/10
So it has been established that the Wyatts have magical teleporting powers… so why can’t they just teleport out of the cage and win?
Not only do the Usos win, but they then fight off a totally fresh Harper and Rowan. Then Dragon leaves the Wyatt Family. So the two and a half months spent trying to get Dragon to join the Wyatt Family led to LESS THAN TWO FULL RAWS before he left them again, accomplishing absolutely f*cking nothing.

[Bob-O]

JOHN CENA vs. DAMIEN SANDOW- 5.25/10
To get us excited for this match, they show us clips of a one-armed John Cena cleanly and soundly defeating a two-armed Damien Sandow… so why the hell should we think that Sandow is anything even close to a danger to a fully healthy Cena?

I was just thrilled that they put some effort into hyping up a random matchup with an obvious outcome. I'm not saying they should do this for EVERY match, but it's nice to see once in a while. Sure we all knew Cena would win, but that little montage before hand made me care about the match.

THE BIG SHOW vs. JACK SWAGGER (w/Antonio Cesaro & Zeb Coulter)- squash.
A former World Heavyweight Champion being squashed. Then, after the match, the Big Show assaults a 64 year old man… because that’s what a good babyface does.

"Former World Heavyweight Champion" isn't really fair here, Swagger's from a class that I'm pretty sure WWE is going to edit from their history, like Christian's reign and Chris Beniot before him... that Wrestlemania headlined by Miz... the pilot episode of Santino and Kozlov's sitcom... Zack Ryder...

Funny you should bring it up though, didn't Swagger defend successfully against Show? Why weren't they recycling footage from that feud to hype up this match?

I too did not appreciate the post match KO on Zeb. He wasn't even doing anything heelish! He was just checking on his guy!

CM PUNK & THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS vs. THE SHIELD- 5/10
For some reason the New Age Outlaws decided to walk out on Punk.

...*ahem*... I'm not tryin' brag or nothin'...

but Punk comes out to make the save… accompanied by… of all people, the New Age Outlaws. Hooray for totally random alliances on Old-School Raw!

...accompanied by two of Triple H's old running buddies! They won't, but it'd be really cool if they worked that into the angle...

I underestimated the writing team!

ULTIMATE WARRIOR WILL BE GOING INTO THE HALL OF FAME- Did not see this one coming. As someone who never lived through Warrior’s glory days, I am quite against this, purely because of his both horrible outings since then and his behavior out of the ring (he held Vince up for money at least once). Why would you ever do business with him again? Basically, he is a sh*tty Goldberg who has a much-less-than-stellar reputation for doing business.

What surprises me most is that he is the one and only talent in the history of wrestling that's had a DVD released for the sole purpose of burial. THEY MADE A DVD about how much they don't like him. I mean, wtf!? THINK about that! The time... the effort... everything that goes into production and distribution... because FUCK YOU WARRIOR, THAT'S WHY. 9 years later, "Hey man, how'd you like to be in the Hall Of Fame..." I can't overlook this, and because of it will now be referenced instead of Koko B Ware when I'm discussing the credibility of the imaginary Hall.

KOFI KINGSTONG vs. RANDY ORTON- 7/10
Loved it!

Hated it. This should have been one of those times he knew he was gonna lose and got himself DQ'd like he did with Dragon a few weeks back. The champion should never ever lose clean unless they're prepared to take the belt off of them. That's part of being over has a heel! People will pay money for the chance to see a great heel lose! If I thought they might have plans for Kofi I'd be a little more understanding, but 7 years... 7 YEARS now they've done NOTHING with Kofi but drop his accent. He jumps and kicks. That's his whole gimmick. He cut a promo once about being a Wildcat or something and he started wearing pants recently. But hey, let's put him over the World Champion this week to piss off Randy.

Apparently they have now changed their story so that Orton knowingly and with malice aforethought attacked Cena’s father specifically

They made a big deal about Cena's dad being there either before or after the Sandow match that you must've missed. John went over and hugged him and stuff. I thought it was pretty clear what Orton was up to.

Although nobody seemed to notice that John Cena's Dad John Cena was hanging out with freaking Gallagher when he got attacked. The other guy by John Cena's Dad John Cena looked really familiar too, like CW Anderson maybe. I'd like to see an angle where Gallagher swaps sledgehammers with Triple H, but given where the storylines are at right now, it'd be a tricky segue...

STEEL CAGE MATCH WITH ONLY KANE HAVING THE KEY: The Usos vs. Daniel Bryan & Bray Wyatt- 6.25/10
So it has been established that the Wyatts have magical teleporting powers… so why can’t they just teleport out of the cage and win?
Not only do the Usos win, but they then fight off a totally fresh Harper and Rowan. Then Dragon leaves the Wyatt Family. So the two and a half months spent trying to get Dragon to join the Wyatt Family led to LESS THAN TWO FULL RAWS before he left them again, accomplishing absolutely f*cking nothing.

I'm OK with it. It wasn't working, like you said above, it was weird. It did seem rushed though, I'm thinking the plug was pulled. I loved "the moment" though. That was definitely the right crowd for this.

I wouldn't say it didn't accomplish anything just yet, though. I think it's awfully convenient that Kane had the key... Kane who has history with The Wyatt's... Kane who has history with Daniel Bryan... maybe this was the plan all along for Bryan to get Bray alone. Maybe Team Hell No isn't 100% done... maybe Kane just wanted to see The Wyatt's get theirs... I think the Kane thing will turn out to be relevant moving forward...

[Big Red Machine]

JOHN CENA vs. DAMIEN SANDOW- 5.25/10
To get us excited for this match, they show us clips of a one-armed John Cena cleanly and soundly defeating a two-armed Damien Sandow… so why the hell should we think that Sandow is anything even close to a danger to a fully healthy Cena?

I was just thrilled that they put some effort into hyping up a random matchup with an obvious outcome. I'm not saying they should do this for EVERY match, but it's nice to see once in a while. Sure we all knew Cena would win, but that little montage before hand made me care about the match.

I guess I can't argue if it worked for you, but it seems to me like there were a lot of ways to do this better.

CM PUNK & THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS vs. THE SHIELD- 5/10
For some reason the New Age Outlaws decided to walk out on Punk.

...*ahem*... I'm not tryin' brag or nothin'...

but Punk comes out to make the save… accompanied by… of all people, the New Age Outlaws. Hooray for totally random alliances on Old-School Raw!

...accompanied by two of Triple H's old running buddies! They won't, but it'd be really cool if they worked that into the angle...

I underestimated the writing team!

Yeah. There are some times when the writing team's MO seems to be "lull them into a false sense of security by being incompetent... then bust out something that makes sense that they never thought we'd be smart enough to do"

KOFI KINGSTONG vs. RANDY ORTON- 7/10
Loved it!

Hated it. This should have been one of those times he knew he was gonna lose and got himself DQ'd like he did with Dragon a few weeks back. The champion should never ever lose clean unless they're prepared to take the belt off of them. That's part of being over has a heel! People will pay money for the chance to see a great heel lose! If I thought they might have plans for Kofi I'd be a little more understanding, but 7 years... 7 YEARS now they've done NOTHING with Kofi but drop his accent. He jumps and kicks. That's his whole gimmick. He cut a promo once about being a Wildcat or something and he started wearing pants recently. But hey, let's put him over the World Champion this week to piss off Randy.

That's actually a pretty good point. The DQ finish would have been a lot better of Kofi's win won't led to anything.

Apparently they have now changed their story so that Orton knowingly and with malice aforethought attacked Cena’s father specifically

They made a big deal about Cena's dad being there either before or after the Sandow match that you must've missed. John went over and hugged him and stuff. I thought it was pretty clear what Orton was up to.

Oh. Well that's what I get for trying to watch the show with the sound down so I can listen to Bryan and Vinny and also while trying to do wall-sits.

STEEL CAGE MATCH WITH ONLY KANE HAVING THE KEY: The Usos vs. Daniel Bryan & Bray Wyatt- 6.25/10
So it has been established that the Wyatts have magical teleporting powers… so why can’t they just teleport out of the cage and win?
Not only do the Usos win, but they then fight off a totally fresh Harper and Rowan. Then Dragon leaves the Wyatt Family. So the two and a half months spent trying to get Dragon to join the Wyatt Family led to LESS THAN TWO FULL RAWS before he left them again, accomplishing absolutely f*cking nothing.

I'm OK with it. It wasn't working, like you said above, it was weird. It did seem rushed though, I'm thinking the plug was pulled. I loved "the moment" though. That was definitely the right crowd for this.

I wouldn't say it didn't accomplish anything just yet, though. I think it's awfully convenient that Kane had the key... Kane who has history with The Wyatt's... Kane who has history with Daniel Bryan... maybe this was the plan all along for either Bryan to get Bray alone. Maybe Team Hell No isn't 100% done... maybe Kane just wanted to see The Wyatt's get theirs... I think the Kane thing will turn out to be relevant moving forward...

Good thinking. I kind of hope that it is.

[cero2k]

the definition of being 'over'



I really can't see how WWE wouldn't want this to be the closing image of WM30. A full stadium going YES! YES! YES! like this image