The Nattie-TJ Jealousy Episode of Total Divas

[Big Red Machine]

I decided to watch this episode of Total Divas because this whole Nattie-TJ jealousy thing seems like it will actually matter on WWE TV. Please do not get the impression that I actually watch this show often. I swear to God I don’t.

Nikki calls Brie to talk about the “cohabitation agreement” that Cena wants her to sign. I understand her frustrations with this and how awkward it is, but she seems to be completely failing to understand that Cena just went through a divorce, and might be very hurt and untrusting about things. Obviously Cena could have found a better way to bring this up.

Cameron & Vincent are in their apartment. She says that she is ready to go to bed. Vincent semi-pathetically asks if by “I’m going to bed” she means “let’s have sex.” She tells him no. Vincent is a moron.
In an aside, Cameron tells us that she thinks has endometriosis, a condition that apparently makes sex very painful. She then tells us that it is even worse for her because Vincent has “a huge winky.”
Both of those things are WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

Nikki checks into a hotel. She then calls her mother to talk about these problems. Her mother appears to actually be a sensible person and explains to her that John has had past issues with things not working out. Nikki tells us in an aside that John needs to put his past behind him and stop letting it affect her. She really came off as petulant here.

Eva Marie and JoJo try to get Nattie to twerk. She refuses. We then cut to Cameron twerking for Naomi. Naomi tells her that she should do that for Vinny. This leads to Cameron telling Naomi about their… genital issues. Naomi responds by covering her ears and saying “TMI!” in a very singsong voice.
Of course, Naomi then starts talking about her own sex life. Apparently she and Jimmy Uso never go more than two days without boinking. In an aside Naomi then tells us that she thinks that the reason Cameron is so snappy is that she doesn’t get laid.

At the WWE Performance Center, Eva Marie is trying to give Bailey from NXT a sunset flip, but she really, really sucks at it. She asks TJ, who is watching them, to teach her how to wrestle. Nattie walks in on them doing various leg submissions, and this apparently has made her angry.
When we get back from commercial, we learn that Nattie is upset because she is the only woman TJ has ever trained with, and that she thinks they fell in love because they were “so intimate in the ring.”
TJ explains that he thought it would be cool if when Nattie and Eva Marie eventually have to wrestle, it would be cool if they both had submission finishers as a built-in angle… and Eva Marie immediately says “Sharpshooter” as if she is just going to start using the official Hart Family finisher. This breach of locker room protocol is completely overlooked.

Cameron goes to the hospital to get her vaginal pain checked out… and while she is talking with the doctor, WWE has decided to play their standard awkward-funny music, because a painful medical condition is apparently funny. The doctor does not find anything wrong with her hoo-ha, though.

Nattie gets unhappy when she finds out that TJ is going to go train with Eva today. In an aside, she points out that the last thing that someone recovering from an injury like TJ is should be doing is getting in the ring with a “novice” like Eva Marie.

Brie is having to deal with Dragon’s newly-hectic schedule. Not seeing him is making her sad. She does remember that they work together and are on the road together, right?

Nattie sees Eva Marie put TJ in a headlock is concerned that Eva is rubbing her cans against TJ’s head. CJ Parker makes a cameo when Nattie asks him where Fandango is. Nattie’s plan is to get Fandango to train with her to make TJ jealous. She stars giving him headscissors and headlocks and school boys… stuff that puts them in almost-naughty positions. TJ sees this and gets unhappy. Nattie then tells him that they are going to work on go-behinds. TJ gets angry and takes his shirt off like Fandango’s. Norman Smiley is watching this whole thing. I have found a whole new level of respect for him because somehow he is holding in his laughter. TJ walks off, saying, “hopefully we don’t have to work too soon, Fandango. And Nattie, I’ll see you at home if you show up.” NO ONE ACTS LIKE THIS IN REAL LIFE!
When we get back from commercial, Nattie and Eva Marie are having a confrontation. Nattie explains her frustrations to Eva Marie by saying “you’re looking at him like you want him, and you have a reputation for being shady.” Yeah. If this were real, I’m sure that “shady” would be exactly the word she would use. Right.

Cameron and Vincent got to see a sex therapist. This was horribly uncomfortable to watch. She asks Cameron how often she masturbates, asks Vincent how big his cock is, then suggests that they engage in BDSM play.

The Bellas talk about the cohabitation agreement. Brie tells Nikki not to bottle her emotions about this up inside.

Nattie and TJ talk everything over and determine that they had a major misunderstanding.

Brie and Dragon are going to lunch, but WWE needs Dragon to do a phone interview right now. By the time he is done, Brie has already finished her lunch. Then he gets a call saying that they need him to do another one. Brie gets unhappy and tells Dragon that he doesn’t give a sh*t about her. This coming from the girl who always has to rush off and do guest appearances or photo shoots.

Vincent has brought Cameron some wine, some Champagne, a riding crop and two vibrators. This was horrifically awkward to watch. She starts hitting him with the riding crop while he is trying to pour the Champagne.

The Bellas do “hot yoga,” then get in an argument about texting while talking. They talk about Dragon not having any time for Brie. Nikki points out that Brie is unhappy with Dragon for fulfilling his dreams. For once Nikki is the sensible one. Who saw that coming?

Cena calls Nikki and they set up a dinner so they can talk things over. Brie apologizes to Dragon. Cena and Nikki go to dinner and hash it out about the cohabitation agreement. Cena apparently supports both his mother and both of his brothers financially. Nikki talks about how amazing that is. Then they make up.