BRM Tries to watch Total Divas

[Big Red Machine]

Nattie & Nikki go buy lingerie. Nattie is hesitant because apparently Tyson Kidd hasn’t been banging her hard enough since his injury. Nattie came off as totally selfish here. TJ blew out his knee, and all Nattie can think about is the fact that this prevents her from getting boned? On a positive note, though, this reminded me of how awesome Nattie’s rack is, so hooray for that!


The Bellas and the Funkadactyls discuss boob sizes. Nikki is mean to Brie because Brie does not have fake tits, so Brie is mean to both Nikki and Cameron. They go to do an autograph signing, and Cameron explains to us that the more fans that buy your merch, the more money you make, and the way she said this came off as completely heelish, like it was just the money that mattered to her. They then got to the autograph signing and Nikki Bella was again mean to Cameron about her small boobs.

Dragon and Brie are in their hotel room and looking for a place to eat. Dragon reads off the various fruit-based breads available at what I can only assume is some sh*tty vegan place. Brie says that the Summer Slam photoshoot is coming up so she thinks she should be “juicing.” At this point I was very confused, because “juicing” in wrestling usually means either taking steroids or blading, and neither of those seem to fit here. Apparently, to her, “juicing” means “lose three pounds.” Brie decides to cleanse, but Dragon reminds her that this means that she won’t be able to eat pancakes, and this makes Brie sad (as well it should).

Nattie comes home and TJ is watching a PPV (Payback, I think). Nattie wants to go out to a restaurant, which is kind of a jerkish thing to say when TJ is trying to sit back and watch not only a TV program he enjoys, but watch some of his good friends perform. Then Nattie goes and changes into the totally rack-tastic lingerie she bought earlier to try to get TJ’s attention and at this point I have to switch sides. Unless TJ also tore a muscle in his cock, there is absolutely no reason for him to not hit the damn pause button and go bang Nattie while she is dressed like that.

Nikki and the new chicks have lunch. For some reason, Nikki is wearing a dress that exposes her entire belly. To a breakfast meeting with two other women. Nikki tells us that she needs to keep an eye on Eva Marie because she will be “competition.” At this point, two things ran through my mind:
1) Eva Marie hasn’t had a match yet! She isn’t going to be taking anyone’s spot for a while.
2) YOU ARE GETTING BONED BY THE COMPANY POSTER BOY! I think your spot is pretty safe.

They talk about Instigram and find a comment where someone calls Nikki fat. Apparently this random comment on the internet horribly affects her.

Nikki, Brie, and Dragon are out getting dinner. Nikki gets a chocolaty desert while the others don’t. Brie explains to us that she has healthy eating habits and Nikki doesn’t. She says that WWE hired them because they are identical and therefore they need to continue looking identical. Two problems here:
1) As has been pointed out multiple times this episode (even by Brie herself at the beginning of this aside), Nikki got a boob job, so they’re not identical anymore
2) what does Brie think will happen if they aren’t identical anymore? That they will be fired? Now this might be a coincidence, but if you look back in wrestling history, the girlfriends of the two top babyfaces in the company tend to not get fired, no matter what they do.
To help Nikki lose weight, Brie dares her to go twenty days without alcohol.

Cameron is going to see a plastic surgeon to maybe get a boob job. She has brought her little Paris Hilton lapdog along, which makes me want to kill her. Naomi has decided to bring Jimmy Uso along to try to talk Cameron out of getting breast implants. Jimmy refers to Cameron’s lapdog as a “little Taco Bell dog.” That was awesome.

Naomi seems to be the only one to consider the wrestling implications of this, asks about the recovery time. The boob-job consultant flashes the Funkadactyls and lets them feel her up. Naomi goes to get Jimmy Uso (who had to stay in the lobby) and says “I have a present for you” brings him to the back and asks the consultant to flash him. Naomi then has him feel this girl up, which makes Jimmy horribly uncomfortable.

The Bellas go get some sort of smoothie called a “Go Green Go.” Brie loves them, but Nikki describes them as tasting like “eating someone ‘s garden.” Brie tells her that she’ll have to drink five of these a day to help her eat less. Nikki (understandably) takes offense to this.

Nattie tries to get TJ to talk about planning their wedding. TJ doesn’t want to because he thinks that a marriage license is just a piece of paper.

The Bellas are in a car and Brie gives Nikki more of the “Go Green Go” crap to drink (and it looks disgusting). Nikki says she is so frustrated right now that she is going to “slaughter a cow and eat its flesh.” Sorry, Dragon. Cena definitely picked the right Bella.

Jimmy Uso and Naomi are out by the pool. Cameron comes out to show them what she would look like with breast implants. They fart around in the pool for a while.

The Bellas are hanging out in a kitchen. Apparently Nikki ate a muffin, so Brie bitches out at her and says “no wonder people call you fat on Twitter.” Brie storms out because Nikki apparently cannot go twenty days living off of some disgusting green liquid.

Cameron shows her boyfriend what she would look like with breast implants. This guy is a total doofus.

The Bellas are having their Summer Slam photo shoot. Nikki rants at Brie for not supporting her and says that she was “born bigger” than Brie was. Um… aren’t they identical twins? Nikki then storms off to their trailer. During all this, after all of the stress that has been placed on their need to look identical, I still would not be able to tell which was which if not for Nikki’s boob job.

When we come back from commercial Brie tries to talk to Nikki. Nikki claims that Brie is always bothering her about being overweight. I’m sorry, but unless she is made out of lead, there is no way that Nikki Bella is even close to overweight. Nikki vents to Brie and they make up.

TJ says he has a surprise for Nattie, so he drives her to the courthouse so they can get married. Nattie is understandably very unhappy with this, so she cuts a promo on how TJ is a bad boyfriend and he pays more attention to the cat than to her, etc. etc. and says that she doesn’t want to get married anymore.

Cameron shows her potential implants to people backstage and asks the seamstress to sew them into her costume. Naomi correctly points out that this would look ridiculous, but the seamstress also encourages Cameron to get breast implants.
Cameron goes around showing more people what she would look like with implants. Nikki Bella claims that Cameron is only doing this “because she wants to be a fan favorite.” Yeah… I’m calling bullsh*t on this. I highly doubt that anyone would actually say “fan favorite” instead of “babyface” backstage.

Apparently one of her implants is now missing. She accuses Naomi of taking it. They look for it but can’t find it. They are discussing potential remedies when they are told that they are needed for the next segment.
When we get back from commercial, we learn that Cameron’s solution is to stuff her costume with paper towels. Backstage, the Bellas admit that Nikki stole the implant as a rib. John Cena tells them off for this. The Funkadactyls and the Bellas have a backstage confrontation… which is really no confrontation at all, because they immediately make up. Cameron decides not to get a boob job because she wants to be a role model.

TJ makes Nattie a surprise candlelit dinner with wine and rose petals and stereotypical crap like that. There is no way that this is real in any way. They then apologize to each other and compromise to have a beach wedding because Nattie wants a wedding and TJ loves the beach.

I doubt I will ever watch this again, but it was kind of a fun experience. WAY too many of the characters came off as completely unlikable. The only person who came off consistently as likeable was Naomi (and Dragon and Jimmy, but they didn’t actually do anything). TJ came off like a total idiot, Nattie came off like she was completely oblivious to the fact that her fiancé seems depressed, Cameron seems like she is WAY too influenced by what others think, and the Bellas came off as mean.

[cero2k]

They talk about Instigram and find a comment where someone calls Nikki fat. Apparently this random comment on the internet horribly effects her.

let's just hope she never comes to our site or reddit or dirtsheets cuz she's gonna be heartbroken

[Bob-O]

Props for making it through the whole thing. I have trouble making through the commercials for it.

[badnewzxl]

When I read the title I can't help but ask the question "WHY?" lol.

I will NOT watch a single episode of this show....

[Big Red Machine]

When I read the title I can't help but ask the question "WHY?" lol.

Pure curiosity