BRM Piledrives Bully & Brooke's wedding- Impact 1/17/2013

[Big Red Machine]

We have just gotten through the opening video package and I am already pissed off. The video package dealt almost exclusively with the Bully Ray & the Hogans soap opera (as well as having a little bit about the Aces & Eights guy hitting Kurt Angle with a hammer). I would normally be okay with this because a wedding is a big thing in an angle, so it should be focused on, but in this case the problem is that if you just watched this video package, you wouldn’t know that there was a WHOLE ENTIRE TNA PPV OVER THE WEEKEND! One of their Big Four, no less! With three title matches and two #1 contenderships decided! WTF?!

Okay, from an entirely kayfabe point of view, someone needs to explain two things to me. First, how does it benefit TNA to use a large chunk of their ONLY TWO HOURS OF TV A WEEK to broadcast someone’s wedding, as opposed to… you know… wrestling matches or something innovative like that? Unless someone gives me damn good reason here, I am going to continue believing that it doesn’t help TNA Wrestling LLC the kayfabe corporation in any way at all. As a result of that, the only reason I can think of for why this would be allowed to happen on TV is if the person in charge signed off on it. Except that the person in charge is Hulk Hogan, who is dead set against it happening! So even if it is somehow beneficial for TNA (and especially if it isn’t) why the hell did Hulk sign off on this?

BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE- SPIKE F*CKING DUDLEY! Oh, and Tommy Dreamer, too, but SPIKE DUDLEY!

BROOKE & THE KNOCKOUTS BACKSTAGE- Bubba’s groomsmen are two of his oldest friends. Brooke’s bridesmaids are… her employees, whom she just met seven months ago. Doesn’t Brooke have any friends?

JEFF HARDY & BAD INFLUENCE SEGMENT- the crowd chants “you’ve still got it” at Jeff. Normally this chant is reserved for old guys who are past the age where you would expect them to be able to put on a decent match, not a thirty-five year old who has been the World Heavyweight Champion for the past three months… unless the fans were talking about the title belt, in which case they are telling Jeff something that he (and the rest of the world) already knows. Kaz and Dainels then come out, cut a promo, and then beat Jeff down. James Storm makes the save, then challenges them to a tag team match. The heels don’t want to fight but the babyfaces stop them from running off and toss them in the ring, and then a referee, apparently acting on no one’s authority other than James Storm’s (which is non-existent), decides to make the match himself.

JEFF HARDY & JAMES STORM vs. BAD INFLUENCE- 6/10
The match was fine. Jeff gets the pin on Kaz, but then Daniels hits Jeff with the title belt then gives him the Angel’s Wings onto it. Decent build for next week’s title match.
During this match the announce team had to plug the MMA event that would be on after this show and Taz gave a more insightful comment on MMA than anything he said about wrestling all show. That is just sad.

GUT CHECK JUDGES TALK BACKSTAGE- the same pointless waste of time as always. The fact that they even have to debate which one of them gets the chance for the contract shoots kayfabe in the foot! One guy won cleanly. The other lost.

JOSEPH PARK GIVES BULLY RAY SOME CIGARS- entirely pointless waste of time. This is a wrestling show, not Bully and Brooke’s wedding tape. We don’t need to see every random piece of crap that goes on in their dressing rooms.

GUT CHECK SEGMENT- Prichard says they had one of the best matches in the history of Gut Check, which, while true, is extremely sad when you consider that this was the only match that DIDN’T involve any TNA-contracted talent.
Taz says that “obviously the decision by the judges wasn’t unanimous, so for me it’s a no.” The only way that this would be “obvious” would be if Taz was referring to the video we saw before the last commercial break… and on that video package, TAZ seemed to be the one arguing for Bradley by pointing out who won the match!
Something fishy is going on here. Last week the crowd didn’t give a damn about this guy, but now they seem to hate him with a fiery passion. Where the hell did that come from? Anyway, this guy gets a contract, and the fact that none of the Gut Check winners have mattered aside from the guy who had had previous mainstream exposure before makes me not give a damn.

CHRISTIAN YORK vs. KENNY KING-3/10
Pretty good for the time it got.
During this match Tenay said that York had told him that “he thought he had picked something up in a recent match against RVD here on Impact Wrestling that he thought he could capitalize on” but Kenny King attacking after their match meant that he never got the chance. I specifically remember Tenay saying something similar about Kid Kash thinking that he had found something in RVD’s game that he could capitalize on… and nothing of the sort happened in that match, so I really don’t believe Tenay here at all, and as a result I don’t think that York really had much of a chance against RVD. What I am getting at here is that Tenay’s previous bad announcing has now hurt my belief in the babyface.

BULLY RAY & STING BACKSTAGE- Bully pleads with Sting to try to change Hulk Hogan’s mind about not being at the wedding. So even in things completely not related to wrestling, we need Sting to make everything right.

ARIES & ROODE BACKSTAGE- I shouldn’t be agreeing with the heel’s gripes about the direction of company! The good news is that they are planning on screwing up the wedding.

HULK HOGAN FINALLY DECIDES TO SHOW UP- hey Hulkster! You know that TV show you run? IT STARTED AN HOUR AGO!

TAZ SHOWS UP IN BULLY RAY’S DRESSING ROOM- Taz said he couldn’t be around for the earlier segments because he was “working.” If you took this hour off for the wedding, why couldn’t you take the previous hour off, too? Bubba then recaps his segment with Sting from a few minutes ago.

YET ANOTHER VIDEO PACKAGE ABOUT THE BULLY & HOGANS SOAP OPERA- snore.

STING PROMO & SEGMENT WITH HOGAN- Horrendous!
While Sting was on his way to the ring, Tenay recaps the fact that Hogan doesn’t approve of this wedding and doesn’t want to be there, the fact that it is upsetting Brooke, and the fact that Bully has asked Sting to talk to Hogan on his behalf. This is about the fourth time we have heard all of this in the last ten minutes. ENOUGH ALREADY! WE GET IT! JUST SHUT UP!

Hulk says what amounts to “I had a divorce, therefore every time someone says that they love someone in a relationship, they are lying.” Sting makes a logical argument based off of evidence of Bully’s actions that we have seen on TV. Hogan then says that people on social media- which he even says that he doesn’t know anything about!-have been telling him that he is right, so therefore he must be right. Because after all, if someone on the internet told you something, then it MUST be true! He then says that people in the crowd also agree with him… and the crowd cheers! WHAT THE F*CK?!
Three people in the crowd try to make up for this with an anemic “WE TRUST BULLY!” chant. Hogan says he will never trust Bully… and the crowd pops. Then Sting tells Hogan that he needs to do this for Brooke… and the crowd pops for that, too! What the hell is wrong with them? Is there anything that they won’t pop for?!
Anyway, Hogan says that he “always does the right thing.” This coming from the guy who spent a the whole year from October 2010 to October 2011 as a heel (and technically the time before that, too as he and Bischoff were plotting their evil takeover during this time).

TARYN TERRELL AND GAIL KIM BACKSTAGE- okay. Gail yells at Taryn for missing the fact that her foot was under the rope when she was pinned at Genesis, then tells us that Brooke Hogan has given her a rematch tonight.

VIDEO PACKAGE OF BULLY RAY’S BACHELOR PARTY- I’m sure that this is exactly what Bully wants shown on TV, seeing as how his soon-to-be wife is currently distraught.

#1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH: Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky- 2/10
The build-up to this involved Gail telling Taryn that she had better “call it down the middle,” so naturally when Taryn correctly identifies that Velvet’s foot was under the rope, Gail gets more angry at Taryn than she did when she was claiming that Velvet was choking her. Gail gets so caught up in threatening Taryn that Velvet is able to recover from Eat Defeat and beat the crap out of Gail. Why can’t Velvet just win without the distraction? This would make Velvet look strong (she is the #1 contender after all) and would allow Gail to actually have some integrity. Just because someone is a heel doesn’t mean that they have to be a hypocrite.

DIXIE CARTER & BROOKE HOGAN BACKSTAGE- pointless. This is a wrestling show, not a wedding video.

AUSTIN ARIES & BOBBY ROODE PROMOS- their interactions are amusing right now, but it is on pace to get very old very fast (like Team Hell No’s constant need to argue over every little thing did). They cut a promo saying that TNA is taking steps backwards by having old guys like RVD, Chavo, Devon, and Jeff as champions (Jeff, for the record, is actually a year younger than Roode is, and is less than a year older than Aries, so including him in this makes them seem a bit stupid). They then object to the wedding. Chavo and Hernadez come down and say that they object to the heels’ comments. Aries and Roode then make racist comments for cheap heat so the babyfaces attack them, running Aries and Roode off. This was a bad segment. I really just didn’t give a damn about anything at all. I’m pretty sure that Roode and Aries are the third team to make racist jokes at Chavo and Hernandez’s expense… and they have only feuded with four damn teams so far! Think of something new, TNA!

HOGAN & STING BACKSTAGE- ATROCIOUS
This was shot in a combination of secret spy-cam style footage from two completely different angles, which is just stupid. Seriously, these guys have spent almost three years now spying on their bosses’ conversations and airing them on national TV. Either fire them or let them in the f*cking room!
Hogan tells Sting that he has been trying to protect Brooke from the evils of the wrestling business. So why did he hire her to be an executive on the wrestling show that he is in charge of? Sting tells him that he needs to be at the wedding. The segment ends with Hulk saying “You know, brother? It’s been a long day. I’m going to pack my stuff up and get out of here. But I always do the right thing, Stinger, for this business and for my family. Just as long as you know that.”
WHAT THE F*CK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! This might well be THE SINGLE LEAST NATURAL PIECE OF DIALOGUE I HAVE EVER HEARD ON ANY TELEVISION SHOW EVER! It makes pretty much no sense at all, and is clearly designed solely to keep both Sting (the good friend who Hogan is having this nice heart-to-heart with) and the audience in the dark about whether or not Hulk will show up to the wedding.

THE ACTUAL WEDDING ITSELF- just to increase the… well… it would be called suspense if anyone actually cared… they cut to a commercial before Brooke comes out but after the rest of the wedding party has already come out. When we get back from commercial, Brooke kindly waits until Keneley has welcomed us back to the show and set the stage for her by saying that it is now time for the “star attraction of this wedding.”
Silly Keneley! Haven’t you been paying attention to the show? The star attraction of this wedding isn’t the bride (or even the groom). It’s the bride’s father. If you have ever had any doubt that Hulk Hogan has an enormous ego, in an angle about his own daughter’s wedding, Hulk himself is still the main focus.
Oh. And look at that. Hulk did show up. Oh well. I honestly don’t give even half of a sh*t. I am so f*cking bored right now. I hope this ends the same way the last time it ended when people tried to exchange vows on Impact: Kurt Angle chasing everyone off with an axe (March 3, 2011- check it out. It was a horrific show, but it was ninety times better than this sh*t).

They have tried to sell this as a shoot by talking about some sort of backstage code that Bully violated and by having Brooke call him “Mark” instead of “Bubba” or “Ray…” and yet when the priest (minister? reverend? I’m not an expert on Christian denominations so I have no idea. All I know is that he wasn’t an Imam and wasn’t a Rabbi)... anyway, when the representative of G-d licensed by the state said “we are gathered here today in the presence of all of you; friends and family”… I took a look around and noticed that none of the happy couple’s family or friends who have not had mainstream exposure in the wrestling business since late 1999 were anywhere to be seen. Yeah. That doesn’t scream “WORK!” at all.

The priest-type guy’s speech just keeps droning on and on. Dear Lord! I really want to turn this off, but I have almost made it all the way through, and if I don’t make it all the way through I can’t make fun of it on the internet, so I am going to stay with it until the end… or until I die of boredom. Whichever comes first.
Screw coherent, professional-looking (well… aside from the frequent use of the F-word, anyway) paragraphs. It’s time for running commentary!

Here it comes… the moment I’ve been waiting for. The priest asks if there are any objections… and… NOTHING?! WHAT THE F*CK?!

The crowd gives a Daniel Bryan “YES!” chant when they are supposed to say “I do.”
Okay. Come on. When is 911 going to come out and save me from this boring crap and chokeslam everybody? Hell… I’d even take 3PW’s 911-rip-off, Annihilation, coming out and giving everyone one of his horrendously lame, botchy chokeslams to save me from sh*t this bad!

The priest starts to say “by the power vested in me…” and Taz interrupts him and grabs the mic. You know what, Taz? F*ck you. You had your chance before when he asked if anyone objected, and you missed it. Sit down and shut up so this damn thing can end already!

Taz says he has two questions. He first asks Bully “are you sure you want to do this?” His second question is “is it just me, or is it freakin’ hot in here?” He then takes off his tuxedo jacket and reveals an Aces & Eights vest. Aces & Eights guys pour into the ring and attack all of the males in the wedding party. The only person who comes out to help them is Sting, and he, too, is quickly beaten up. So much for that whole “united locker room” thing, huh? Hell… not even Samoa Joe, Wes Brisco, Joseph Park, and Garrett Bischoff… who have been openly feuding with Aces & Eights, decide to come out and help. Mike Knox and Doc manage to grab Brooke and they just shout “look at your husband! Look at your daddy!” at her… then they just let her go. I guess that they changed their mind at some point in the last seven days and decided that she wasn’t worth kidnapping.

Okay, now that I have stopped deliriously laughing at how horrible this was, I can get to a few logical hiccups here. Most of us fans figured that Aces & Eights screw with the wedding somehow because a) they usually screw with stuff at the end of the show, and b) because Bully Ray and Hulk Hogan were both involved, and they have both been theoretically feuding with Aces & Eights. Surely Bully Ray would realize this, too, so he looks like an idiot for putting the wedding in a building that the evil biker gang who hates him and his fiancée’s father, and the company they work for have access to… especially seeing as how they tried to kidnap Brooke SEVEN DAYS AGO IN THE VERY SAME BUILDING!

Secondly, if, as the leader of Aces & Eights has been so fond of saying recently, “anonymity is power,” then why would they have Taz reveal himself here? It serves no purpose at all other than to shock people… and them ruining the wedding would have theoretically done the same thing, so all they have done is lost one very well-placed undercover operative and they have gained absolutely nothing that they couldn’t have gained without Taz revealing himself. Yeah, Taz would have taken a bit of a beating, but surely, being a full-fledged member and all, Taz would be willing to do that for the good of the brotherhood? Oh, and I particularly like how Taz had to wait until the very last moment to do reveal himself and signal for the Aces & Eights to attack. I never figured Aces & Eights for guys who had a flair for the overly-dramatic.

Wait a minute! A glorious though just occurred to me! Surely with him being revealed as a member of Aces & Eights and having set an ambush for the both boss and his daughter (who also happens to be a company executive), TNA will take some sort of punitive action against Taz, right? Like firing him… or at the very least removing him from the broadcast table? I can hope, can’t I?

Anyway, this episode of Impact was absolutely f*cking horrendous. Just plain horrible. We got a whole lot of suspense for something that no one gave a damn about (whether or not Hogan would show up to the wedding), just three matches (two of which were short), a whole lot of lame promos and segments about this damn wedding, horrible announcing (they spent more time hyping up the MMA show that was airing after Impact than they did next week’s world title match), horrible logic, and one of the… I don't want to say “worst” crowds in history because they were certainly loud at times… but I don’t know. I am looking for a word that is some combination of weird and dumb. Seriously, if you ever had any doubts about the crowd at the Impact Zone, this show should dispel those. Any real wrestling crowd would have taken a giant dump all over this, but they popped for absolutely anything and everything, both in favor of Hogan going to the wedding AND against it. You could have given a Nazi salute and this crowd would have popped for it… unless Jay Bradley was the one doing it. Then they would have booed, but they probably would have booed him if he had managed to cure AIDS while rescuing a puppy from a burning building. For some reason they hated his f*cking guts!

As horrible as it was, though, this episode of Impact will hold a special place in my heart because I know that whenever I am feeling depressed, I will be able to go back and read this review and just laugh my ass off at it.


STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay- “If you think about it; the well-chronicled differences between the Hulk Hogan, his daughter Brooke, and Bully Ray- they’ve all been aired in public… so why not address it head on? Why not address it right here, right now, in front of the world.”
Just because something has been done publicly in the past does not mean it is something that should always be done publicly… especially when you are talking about people’s private lives! For example: “Mr. & Mrs. Jones have previously been arguing in public about whose fault it is that they are having problems conceiving, so why shouldn’t they continue to argue about it in public?”