BRM Reviews the 1/3/2013 Impact (horrendous)

[Big Red Machine]

JB AWARDS THE TNA WRESTLER OF THE YEAR AWARD- Jeff Hardy wins. What a shock. Then Roode gets in the ring, gets angry, and they just cut plain obnoxious and clichéd promos. Aries gets in the ring and cuts a promo, then argues with Roode. Jeff then books a three way for the title for Genesis. Then the heels jump Jeff, but Jeff ducks a shot with the Wrestler of the Year trophy from one of them, causing it to hit the other, and Jeff comes out on top.

JAMES STORM, KAZ, & DANIELS BACKSTAGE- great segment. Daniels’ mocking Storm’s redneck-ness was awesome.

JAMES STORM vs. KAZARIAN (w/Christopher Daniels)- 3/10
The match was too short, and TNA jobbed Kaz out way too often recently or him to seem like a threat anymore. I also didn’t like Kaz’s selling of Storm’s Closing Time (Code Breaker) He basically gave it the Scott Hall oversell of the Stunner from Wrestlemania 18.

ANDERSON & ACES & EIGHTS BACKSTAGE- I don’t give a damn about this right now, but even without any sort of telegraphing, I have ten bucks on Anderson swerving Aces & Eights and joining up with Sting. Devon says his bat is missing, which is obviously intended to tell us that Sting took it.

DOC PROMO- HORRIBLE! This entire segment was a waste of time. Doc cuts a lame promo, then a black baseball bat drops down from the rafters, and Doc freaks out, then tries to act as if he isn’t scared, going as far as to shout “I’M NOT SCARED OF YOU, STING!” while scampering around the ring like a frightened puppy. This was not only unnecessary, but it was a waste of time and it just served to make Doc look like dumb.

KID KASH vs. CHRISTIAN YORK- 4/10
So none of these Gut Check guys ever appeared on the air again, but Christian York has been on TV almost every week for a month and a half. And here you thought Gut Check was going to be about TNA featuring new, young talent. Silly you. This is TNA!

CHAVO GUERRERO JR. PROMO- eh.

HERNANDEZ (w/Chavo Guerrero Jr.) vs. JOEY RYAN (w/Matt Morgan)- DUD!
This was supposed to be Morgan vs. Hernandez but Morgan showed up in a sling and said he couldn’t wrestle tonight so Joey would instead. Then, after Hernandez beats the piss out of Joey for a few minutes, Morgan takes off the sling and attacks him, causing a DQ. This whole thing just smacks of treading water because they have no idea how to progress this feud in an entertaining way.

WES, GARRETT, KURT, & JOE BACKSTAGE- this just felt like an excuse to get Wes & Garrett on TV, but they did it in a segment that also had another purpose, so I am fine with that. Unfortunately, the other purpose of this segment was so Kurt could inform us that he has made a new year’s resolution to unmask everyone in Aces & Eights. TNA has already killed this whole unmasking thing by having there be no consequences whatsoever for the unmasking of both Devon and Doc. The fact that they still try to sell this as important shows that they have no concept of how badly they have screwed this feud up

HULK HOGAN, BULLY RAY, & BROOKE SEGMENT- ATROCIOUS!
Hulk starts off by apologizing to everyone for walking out of last week’s show because he just couldn’t take the sight of Bully Ray snogging his daughter the week before that. So either the sight of Brooke & Bully playing tonsil hockey was so disturbing to Hulk that it took him an entire week to get over it, or it only bothered him for the span of the episode of TNA Impact (which, seems a lot like Hulk is using it as an excuse to take time off). Either way, Hulk if it takes him this long to get over Brooke and Bully making out, then Hulk is not is not fit to run the show and needs to be replaced.
Hogan then says that Bully Ray was the one who decided to do this publicly. I’m pretty sure Hulk was the one who decided to do all of this publicly on the 11/29 Impact when he used his nationally broadcast TV show as a time to discuss his daughter’s relationship with her. Hogan’s justification for doing this in public yet again is because it was done in public before.

Hulk calls them out, then rambles on about how Bully broke some never-mentioned-before code that says that Bully had to tell Hulk that he was bonking Brooke. Bully then accepts all of the heat and admits that he was wrong, so being the babyface that he is, naturally Hulk… tells that Bully doesn’t belong in the business, and suspends him indefinitely, and without pay. Then he tells Brooke to get out of “his” ring. I was half-laughing, half-crying because of bad this was.

JOSEPH PARK VIDEO PACKAGE- good. I hope that this gets Danny Davis some more notoriety and acclaim with causal fans.

MICKIE JAMES & BROOKE TESSMACHER vs. GAIL KIM & TARA (w/Jessie Godderz)- 4.75/10
At least they gave this match some time.

ACES & BACKSTAGE- Doc says that they need to make sure that all of them who still have their masks on, keep them on. Yes, that’s right, the same Doc who lost his mask two months ago and there have been no consequences to that whatsoever so far.

ODB PROMO- this would have been okay for anyone else, but this is ODB. She should be volunteering herself to Sting to help fight Aces & Eights to get blood revenge for EY!

HOGAN, ROODE, & ARIES SEGMENT- it made a match for next week and made the PPV match official, which was good, but I think that these segment make the top heels too whiny.

STEEL CAGE MATCH: Samoa Joe & Kurt Angle vs. Aces & Eights (Devon & Some Other Guy)- 5.25/10
Not even in the same ballpark as good enough for a main event.
Doc jumps Kurt before the match, preventing him from entering the cage… so why did the ref start the match when Kurt wasn’t in the cage yet? When Kurt finally got into the ring, the damage Doc did to him on the outside didn’t play into the match at all.
After the match, the Aces & Eights jump Kurt and Joe until Sting comes in and makes the save. Then they unmask one of the Aces & Eights guys… and it’s Mike Knox. Now don’t get me wrong. I like Mike Knox a lot… but if the mystery is big, the payoff has to be big, and this payoff is freakin’ disappointing.

Props to Youtube's Foolkiller99 for this one:
Joe, Sting, and Kurt have all been saying that they want to unmask someone tonight. Aces & Eights have to put a two man team in a cage match against Joe and Kurt. Aces & Eights happen to have two members who have already been unmasked. If Aces & Eights don't want their guys to get unmasked, and this match is the most likely place for one of them to get unmasked, why would they not sent the two guys who have already been unmasked into this match?
Instead, they send in one unmasked guy and one masked guy, and (surprise!) the masked guy gets unmasked. Morons.


Overall, an absolutely horrendous episode of Impact. Even Keneley was bad.