BRM Reviews the 5/24/2016 Impact (boring and very bad)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE- just… wow. This was so over the top campy and goofy that I can’t possibly take anything seriously.

Speaking of things you can’t take seriously…
MATT HARDY PROMO- do you remember when at one point in his TNA run (during the Main Event Mafia storyline, I believe) Booker T decided that he was going to show off his acting skills so he just randomly started speaking with a very African accent? Well… while there is theoretically an actual reason why Matt’s voice has changed, that doesn’t change the fact that he sounds ridiculous. This is not helped by the fact that he is saying ridiculous words, wearing poorly-applied facepaint, has a ridiculous white patch in his now-frizzy hair, and wearing his pajamas.
I get what they are going for with the “Brother Nero” stuff (Jeff, by his risky daredevil antics and also well-publicized drug problems, is content to let the brand that Matt has worked so hard to build burn down around him due to the damage he causes), but it would be a lot better if they had explained it at some point (Matt could have cut a promo explaining it in his original promo on Jeff).
He says he doesn’t care about his match with EC III later tonight. Then he says he has a contract for a match he wants Jeff to sign. It’s apparently for a ladder match later tonight.
Spud and Tyrus come out and hold an intervention. They volunteer to fight Jeff so that Matt won’t spiral further into insanity. Matt says seems okay with this, but warns them that if they lose they won’t be able to associate themselves with him anymore. So this match has now been changed to a handicap match and now Jeff isn’t getting to face the person he wants to face, and Josh is taking it as gospel even though neither Jeff nor someone from TNA have approved this change. Has Jeff even signed the contract yet? I thought Matt said he didn’t. And if he did, then why is Matt allowed to change it after Jeff already signed it? This was all horrific aside from Spud having one good line.

IF ETHAN WINS HE GETS TO FACE MIKE BENNETT AT SLAMMIVERSARY: Matt Hardy vs. Ethan Carter III- 3.75/10
Apparently Ethan has to beat Matt by pinfall or submission. When did this stipulation get added? And why would Ethan agree to that? If Bennett doesn’t want to face Ethan, what’s to stop him from running in and causing a DQ?

Also, now Josh is saying that the contract Matt had was for a Full Metal Mayhem match against Jeff at Slammiversary… so where the hell did this ladder match tonight come from? Does Matt have the power to book Jeff in dangerous handicap matches? If so, why didn’t he throw a bunch of other guys in there, too, like Bennett, Eli Drake, Decay, etc.? If he really wants Jeff to be destroyed forever, ten guys have a better chance of doing it than just two.

The announcers talks about this “change” that we have supposedly seen in Ethan since Bennett pinned him. I have seen absolutely no evidence of this whatsoever. In fact, this statement was so out of left field I almost thought I was listening to Kevin Kelly and Steve Corino for a minute. Now they’re talking about how this loss has made Ethan realize he is fallible. If that was the angle, shouldn’t he have cut a promo saying as much? Wow. This really is starting to feel like ROH, except that instead of having great matches but really frustrating booking, we have decent matches and booking that his equal parts frustrating and laughter-inducing.

Oh. Look. Mike Bennett just ran in and attacked Ethan, causing a DQ. He beats Ethan up and says that because Ethan won by DQ, he will not get a rematch. This is a highly-anticipated rematch between two top stars. Why is TNA letting Bennett control whether or not it happens? They should be eager to book it.

A DUMBF*CK CAMERAMAN ASKS BENNETT TO “EXPLAIN HIS ACTIONS”- Not only did he just explain his actions in the promo he cut in the ring, but if this cameraman is too dumb to figure it out without Bennett telling him, then I’m amazed he isn’t holding the camera backwards. Bennett cuts this dumb, pointless promo about how what he did was “art.” All this did was remind us that Billy Corgan is a terrible booker.

WOMEN’S SEGMENT- Maria is great but everything around her sucks.
Allie is in the ring to introduce Maria. Maria justifies firing Velvet by saying that Velvet was part of the Knockouts’ past and she is trying to take the Knockouts into the future. This made both Gail and the fans extremely unhappy. Gail says she is going to kick Maria’s ass, but Maria tells her that there are rules in TNA which say that they can’t touch each other unless they are in a match. Gail wants a match but Maria says no, telling Gail “I won’t stoop to your level.” That was great.
Maria says that she will book Gail in a match tonight where Gail will be fired if she loses… and despite the fact that Maria literally JUST said that she wouldn’t wrestle her, dumbsh*t Gail still somehow thought Maria would be her opponent.
Sienna jumped Gail from behind. Why would Maria not book this match for right now? She has Gail at a disadvantage?
Also… how incompetent is TNA Management that they are letting this happen. There are, like, eight women in the Knockouts Division and yet somehow between Gaburk, Dixie, and Corgan they are all too busy to book the Knockouts so they have to let someone else do it. Then this woman fires one of their most popular women and is now trying to fire the biggest star in the division… and they’re all just okay with this?

MAHABALI SHERA & GRADO BACKSTAGE- Grado and Al Snow are apparently having a street fight tonight… with no build. Not only would you not have known about this if you were having trouble understanding Grado, but this promo really felt more like a promo that should be for a regular match and Grado was planning to bring a foreign object of his own to counteract Al Snow’s cheating ways.
Grado apparently keeps his lunch (one turkey leg) in his gear. That was dumb… but I did get a good hearty laugh out of Grado telling Shera “that’s my lunch” and giving it to him to hold so he could pull his other weapon out (NO! NOT THAT! It was just a steel chain)… and upon learning that this turkey leg was his friend’s lunch, Shera immediately proceeded to start eating it.

DUMB BRO-MANS SH*T- dumb.
Apparently Robbie wants them to go to a gym to see a “guru” to help them win. Also, Chris Melendez sighing.

GAIL KIM PROMO- great

STREET FIGHT: Al Snow vs. Grado- DUD!
Oh great. Now even Josh Mathews is saying “new era.” Grado can’t even be serious in a f*cking street fight. The Legionnaires came to help Al win. I liked that part, but I didn’t like Lefort’s total baldness. He’s not The French Stallion anymore because stallions can’t be bald.

THE HARDY FAMILY (sans Jeff) BACKSTAGE- Reby was really good here. Matt was good at what he was trying to do, but I really don’t like what he is trying to do.

SLAMMIVERSARY MAIN EVENT ANNOUNCEMENT SEGMENT- First Lashley came out and cut a good promo. Drew also started to cut a good promo saying he wanted to fight… and unlike usual, it looked like they were actually about to fight… but then Dixie Carter had to come out and ruin it.
As you’ll recall, last week’s big title match between these two was ruined for absolutely no reason by the lumberjacks who were only at ringside because Dixie put them there. Her justification for this decision this week was that it was exactly this type wanting to brawl no matter where they were that necessitated her making it a Lumberjack match. IT’S THE MATCH! THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE BRAWLING!
Dixie now announces that they will have one more title match, which will take place at Slammiversary… and that match can only be won by knockout or submission. Okay… is the problem is that they were brawling too much, how the hell was this supposed to stop them? I think Dixie’s explanation last week was that they were “affecting people backstage” which I assume means someone got hurt because they were fighting backstage or something... but again: HOW DOES THIS STOP THEM FROM DOING THAT? If you want to keep them in the ring, shouldn’t you make it a cage match? Also, what does any of that happened last week (or at any point in this feud) have to do with taking away pinfalls as a valid victory condition?
Anyway… apparently this has made Drew not want to fight anymore despite Josh pointing out that Lashley was trash-talking him the whole time. Then Lashley called Drew a bitch so they brawled. Drew nailed Lashley with the Claymore. Security came out to break it up but Drew kicked all of their asses. Lashley speared Drew and beat him up. More security showed, as well as referee Brian Stiffler but Lashley kicked their asses and then started to choke Drew. Despite her two big speeches about how bad this fighting has been, Dixie Carter was nowhere to be found during all of this.

ULTIMATE X MATCH FOR THE TNA X-DIVISION TITLE: Trevor Lee(c) (w/Gregory Shane Helms) vs. Andrew Everett (also w/Gregory Shane Helms) vs. Eddie Edwards vs. DJ Zema Ion- 5/10
A random Ultimate X Title match happening for no reason just three weeks before the PPV. Andrew Everett is getting this title shot despite having a grand total of ZERO wins in TNA and despite the fact that his stable-mate is the champion. Couldn’t you at least have filled this spot with someone who would make more sense like Crazzy Steve or Tigre Uno?
I did like the way they did the screwjob finish on Eddie here, but I really don’t think I ever need to see another Ultimate X match again. At this point it feels like we’ve seen everything there is already.

MARIA & HER CRONIES BACKSTAGE- apparently her secret plan is to kill the Knockouts Division. I think.

EC III PROMO- he is going to make a phone call to get the match with EC III at Slammiversary.

IF GAIL LOSES SHE WILL BE FIRED: Gail Kim vs. Sienna (w/Maria Kanellis-Bennett & Allie)- 5.5/10
Gail overcomes the odds and wins clean. This is too early for Sienna to lose, especially with so much help on the outside. They shouldn’t have done the “fired” stip and let Sienna actually beat Gail. Then you can still have Maria attack Gail afterwards and she can also point to this loss as evidence that Gail is “obsolete” and should be replaced as the face of the division by Sienna.

SPUD, TYRUS, & REBY BACKSTAGE- not bad, but kind of pointless, too.

BRO-MANS MEET THEIR “GURU” IN THE GYM- this had goofy music in the background. The “guru” is Raquel. That girl who managed to not get signed by WWE after doing Tough Enough despite being hot, and who then whined and cried about being stiffed in a wrestling match. Why would they use her… especially with a giant waste of time like Bro-Mans comedy?

HADNICAP LADDER MATCH IN WHICH IF JEFF WINS HE GETS TO FACE MATT AT SLAMMIVERSARY IN A FULL METAL MAYHEM MATCH AND SPUD AND TYRUS CAN NO LONGR BE ASSOCIATED WITH MATT HARDY: Jeff Hardy vs. Rockstar Spud & Tyrus- 5/10
Snore.


A dull show full of plot holes and matches that either had their results made obvious by their pointless stipulations or rendered irrelevant by post-match angles.