1. Cole doesn’t know what the word “excommunicated” means.
2. If Randy’s plan was to infiltrate the Authority, why did he show up acting like an enemy of theirs when he first returned?
3. Why does Randy want a match with Rollins? Wasn’t this whole video package describing the fact that he already executed his plan and got his revenge?
OPENING SEGMENT- I will admit that I actually enjoyed the heels being heelish. Then Rollins said he would fight Orton at Mania… but only if Orton would fight him in the main event tonight. Umm… okay. If the idea is that the heels want to set a(n obvious) trap for Randy, why do it tonight instead of at Mania?
Cole screwed up the start time for Mania, but it worked out well for WWE because JBL reamed Cole out in such a way that I will certainly not forget what time the show starts.
NIKKI BELLA (w/Brie Bella) vs. AJ LEE (w/Paige)- 4.5/10
The Bellas cut a dull inset promo.
Lawler might not be on Raw anymore but someone must advance the notion that all women secretly hate each other, so Booker T is given the job. In fact Booker absolutely sucked in this match. More than normal, I mean.
The good news is that they actually let the ladies go for ten minutes.
ROMAN REIGNS & MARK HENRY SEGMENT RECAP- wow. Something actually happened on Smackdown.
So what is it that happened? Well Mark Henry cut a promo on the “young bucks” who thought they knew everything, and this promo was aimed at Roman Reigns and definitely not in any way at all named at the independent tag team called the “Young Bucks” even though they’d recently turned down a deal from WWE. As a result of this promo, Roman speared Mark Henry through the barricade.
RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS KANE & BIG SHOW- they argue over pointless crap. Rollins shows up and reams them out for it. Then they argued with Seth.
RYBACK vs. THE MIZ (w/Damien Miz-Dow)- DUD!
And just like that, we get a perfect example of why I stopped watching Smackdown: Because they’ll just do the match again on Raw with the same finish. Not only was this a pointless rematch with the same finish, but the only real spot they did in this match was to have Ryback restrain Miz on the outside and instruct Miz-Dow to punch Miz… because I guess Ryback doesn’t care if he loses by DQ.
POST-MATCH ANGLE- Miz-dow was helping Miz up but Miz gave him a Skull Crushing Finale. This was not good. The first major act of violence between these two NEEDED to be Miz-dow punching Miz.
CENA-RUSEV CONTRACT SIGNING-
Cena cut a decent promo. Then Rusev came out with the most disappointing Lana replacement ever. I honestly don’t think I have ever heard a worse Russian accent than this guy had. I cannot possibly that this was the best they could find.
And, of course, not having Lana there just made the fans chant “WE WANT LANA!” because guy was so bad. And why was Lana not here? So she could film a scene for one of WWE’s idiotic movies that isn’t going to make them any money, anyway.
Rusev then cut his promo, in which he forgot to say the E in WWE, so it sounded like whenever you watch footage on 24/7 and they mute the F in WWF. Other than that, Rusev was good.
THE NEW DAY (w/Xavier Woods) vs. UPPER-CATS (w/Natalya)- 0.5/10
FANTASTIC in-set promo from New Day. Apparently Jey Uso hurt his shoulder badly on Smackdown. Sad news.
A short match, with a finish that looked bad.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Los Matadores turn heel by jumping the New Day. Then Cesaro took out Woods. Then Cesaro got humiliated by Torito. All of this was quite bad.
RECAP OF BRAY COWERING IN FEAR OF THE UNDERTAKER’S DONG- I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I did make this a heading just for the sake of a penis joke.
ROLLINS & THE STOOGES BACKSTAGE- OMFG JAMIE NOBLE TURNING BABY! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Oh. Also, Joey Mercury left Rollins, too! But come on guys: JAMIE NOBLE TURNED BABYFACE!
(Yeah, I know it’s almost certainly a swerve, but I can still hope, can’t I?)
BROCK LESNAR VIDEO PACKAGE AND INTERVIEW- very good
BIG SHOW vs. ERICK ROWAN- I could have sword I saw both guys in the ring and heard a bell ring, but apparently the match didn’t squash. The World’s Largest Athlete totally murderized the world’s largest jobber.
LARRY ZBYSZKO WILL BE INDUCTED INTO THE HALL OF FAME- cool!
ANDRE BATTLE ROYALE CLUSTERF*CK HYPE SEGMENT CLUSTERF*CK-
Kane has called everyone involved in the ARMBAR (aside from Big Show, apparently) out to the ring (in their gear, no less) so that he can show them how great he is at battle royales or something. Then Mark Henry came out and entered himself into the match. So Mark got into the ring as well, it must have triggered some sort of mystical ancient magics of wrestling or perhaps this put them in violation of some sort of state law or something, and adding Mark put them over some sort of limit of height or weight or just a sheer number of wrestlers in the ring that they were then absolutely compelled to start a schmoz. And oh look! It quickly came down to the only two people who had speaking parts in this segment (and Curtis Axel, who was made to look like a dork).
A few things here:
1. Goldust is in this match, but Stardust is in the ladder match? Well... way to make that angle a complete and total failure.
2. Why is Mark Henry in this segment this week? How do you not do that segment from Smackdown and not book Mark Henry vs. Roman Reigns for tonight's Raw? The pieces fit together perfectly! Last seen, Mark was an ally of the Authority, and there he was cutting a promo on one of their enemy (which totally wasn't designed to bury an indy tag team), so why not have him ask Hunter & Steph for a match against Roman? You get to have Roman Reigns beat a huge, strong man (just like Brock Lesnar) and it isn't the same damn match we've seen Roman wrestle for month's now against Kane and/or Big Show and/or Rollins. Then you can just insert Mark Henry into the ARMBAR on Smackdown! It's wins all around (aside from Mark, I mean, but that doesn't matter).
PAUL HEYMAN PROMO- terrible. Absolutely atrocious.
I haven't had to type this in a while, but DAMMIT! DON'T GIVE RUSSO ANY IDEAS!"My client, Brock Lesnar is not coming to WrestleMania to make love."
Can you imagine Brock and Roman having their big staredown at Mania, then Brock tells Roman to lie down for him... and Roman lies down on his stomach and they both start taking their pants off. I think that would actually make Vince Russo ejaculate (the idiotic swerve part, not the gay sex part)...
Hidden text.
Aside from that part, though…Paul wants to know what will happen if Brock breaks the rules at Mania. Well I’m no expert or anything, but I’d guess that they’ll disqualify him.
Okay… now I’m even more confused. Is Paul asking what happens if Brock decides to literally murder Roman Reigns in the ring? Well… they’ll probably arrest him and send him to jail. Duh. And yes, if that happens they’ll probably cut the feed, but this is the main event, and if Roman is dead that means the match is over, either as a victory for Brock by technical knockout or as a victory for Roman via DQ for excessive punishment… so cutting off the feed won’t be that big a deal because the main event is already over.
Yeah… I think was a good point to turn Paul’s mic off.
Damn. It’s still going.
Now join me as I make IWC history by becoming the first person to type following in complete and total sincerity:
“HOORAY! Roman Reigns is here to talk! Thank G-d I don’t have to listen to Paul Heyman’s promo anymore!”
AND HOLY F*CK WAS ROMAN GREAT! Even over the sustained “DANIEL BRYAN!” chant.
RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS PAUL HEYMAN- Brock will be here next week so that he and Roman can have a confrontation. Paul was great here.
DEAN AMBROSE, DANIEL BRYAN, & DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. LUKE HARPER, WADE BARRETT, & STARDUST- 6/10
Oh look. A pointless rematch of the main event of Smackdown. R-Truth is not in the match because if he was, someone might mistake him for a serious wrestler instead of a f*cking clown.
All three heels got no entrance and their names were shown in the same graphic, along with the title “Intercontinental Champion,” which made it look like the belt was being defended under Freebird Rules rather than the champ teaming with two other guys who decidedly aren’t the champion in a six man tag team match.
Right at the outset, JBL told us that this match doesn’t matter because they’ll all fight each other at WrestleMania anyway. They had some cool spots, but as JBL said, none of it mattered. Not even the pinfall (and of course, they had to pin the rightful champion in this six man tag team match) because the action continued, and the whole thing was just an excuse to get to people trying to steal the belt and run away.
And’s that’s what this whole feud has been. WEEKS of matches that were completely irrelevant because the whole thing was just an excuse to get to a post-match segment where someone stole the title belt so that they could use it like a prop in a comedy angle. The whole thing was “see who would come out of tonight with the belt” and the matches didn’t matter in any way. And that REALLY annoys me because it would have been SOOO easy to use this same idea and make it an ACTUAL WRESTLING ANGLE where the belt isn’t treated like a prop at a clown show:
Just have guys trade wins in non-title matches so the concept of who the linear champion (and thus theoretically the #1 contender) should be is the thing that switches hands every show, not the belt itself. This way the outcome of every match is important (“will Wrestler X win and thus be the probably #1 contender to the IC Title at WrestleMania?!”) and you can still do your stupid ladder match because there are so many guys with a good claim to being the #1 contender!
But no. We had to have “comedy.” And I put that in quotes because comedy is supposed to be funny and none of this was.
ROLLINS, STEPH, & HUNTER, BACKSTAGE- crap
More dissension in the top heel stable for no reason (well… not for no reason. It’s for the sake of a pointless swerve that everyone will see coming). Hunter and Steph are basically acting like babyfaces in this segment.
BRAY WYATT PROMO- Good.
Did he decide to paint the urn? And he put the ashes of his chair inside of it. That’s kind of cool. There could be some sort of “transformational” message being sent here. Like Bray wants to take Taker’s spot as the guy who makes everyone sh*t themselves.
SINGLES MATCH THAT TOTALLY DEFINITELY ISN’T A POINTLESSLY ELABORATE TRAP: Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton- no rating. Very bad segment.
OH LOOK! It was a trap. Who could have possibly seen this coming?
A few things here:
1. Didn’t Randy say in the opening segment that he fully acknowledged that tonight’s main event would be a trap? So if he sees the trap coming a million miles away, what’s the point of trying to trick everyone into thinking there’s no trap?
2. Even if you say they were trying to lull him into a false sense of security, WHY WOULD YOU REVEAL YOUR EVIL TRAP BEFORE THE F*CKING MATCH STARTS?
The people want Sting, so it looks like they see where this is going, too.
Sting magically appears in the ring. Here’s a question: why didn’t he use his magical powers of teleportation of protect Edge from Seth Rollins and ensure that Rollins’ evil plan would fail and that the Authority would never be brought back.
Anyway, Sting and Orton beat the Authority up with no trouble at all, because it’s not like you’d want any heat for these angles or anything, right?
Another terrible Raw. Just all crap aside from the promos by Roman Reigns and the Upper-Cats. More horrible build to WrestleMania. This has to be the worst Mania build that I can remember. It honestly feels like Vince threw a big hissy-fit after the rumble and declared that if Roman Reigns isn't getting over, then NOTHING will be allowed to get over.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Booker T says that AJ is back for a reason, and he thinks that it might be to go after the Divas Title. I guess the “T” in “Booker T” stands for “Tenay.”
2. During the women’s match Booker T said that he was having trouble telling the Bellas apart.
NIKKI’S THE ONE IN THE RING, YOU DUMB F*CK! SHE’S ALSO THE ONE WITH CHAMPIONSHIP BELT! And Nikki’s hair is currently much lighter than her sister’s. And failing all else, JUST LOOK AT THEIR CHESTS!
3. Booker T referred to the Authority’s evil plan as a “coup,” so we can add that to the list of words that Booker doesn’t understand.