BRM Reviews the 8/11/2014 Raw

[Big Red Machine]

So… the go-home show for Summer Slam.


But why concentrate on a silly thing like that when it’s HULK HOGAN’S BIRTHDAY?!


PAUL HEYMAN PROMO- AWESOME (aside from the incorrect length of time regarding how long Hogan was out after his match with Brock).
He says that Cena fans should by Summer Slam because it will be their last chance to see Cena in a long time because Brock will beat him so badly. He also claimed that Brock was only 50% at Extreme Rules 2012.
Then it got even more awesome as Heyman attempted a rap. This was the GREATEST THING EVER!


WEIRD AL!

HANDICAP MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. Curtis Axel & Ryback- 3/10
Corporate Kane came out and introduced Reigns’ opponents. He is now Director of Operations again which means we will hopefully never have to hear the phrase “The Demon Kane” again.
Reigns beats them both up until they start double teaming him on the floor. Then something brilliant happened: Rybaxel got DQed for double teaming Reigns for too long. HOORAY FOR THE RULES!
Then Reigns made a comeback and beat them up anyway, so why even do the DQ?

ROMAN REIGNS PROMO- good

KANE & ORTON BACKSTAGE- Orton vows to beat Reigns. He is also kind of a jerk to Kane. Kane says that the Authority has booked Sheamus vs. Orton for tonight. Cool.

ROB VAN DAM vs. SETH ROLLINS- 5/10
Michael Cole told us that Rollins was keeping the MITB briefcase close at hand so that Ambrose could not get his hands on it like he did last week. He then explained that this was because the briefcase contained the MITB contract… which we saw Ambrose tear up last week. If Rollins was just given a new contract, what does it matter if Ambrose gets his hands on the briefcase.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- okay.
Rollins knows his history. He knows that the larger the box of the birthday present, the more likely it is to attack someone. Ambrose managed to fool him, though, and sent Seth running. Then he cut a good promo.

STEPH SEGMENT- she brings out Daniel Bryan’s physical therapist to claim that she is having an affair with him. They did a fantastic job of choosing this woman, because she looked untrustworthy from the get-go. Brie slapped the therapist and locked Steph in a rough approximation of the Yes Lock. The road agents quickly broke it up, but Steph vowed to finish things tonight.

CESARO vs. JACK SWAGGER (w/Zeb Coulter)- 7/10
We now have a colored-in version of the Swagger t-shirt. Cesaro works over Swagger’s injured ribs. Swagger fights back valiantly and makes Cesaro tap.
Zeb tries to cut a promo after the match, but it interrupted by Rusev and Lana, who stand on the stage menacingly.

JERICHO & WYATT TALK FACE TO FACE- dull.
Seeing the two of them sit across a living room from each other was very weird. Shouldn’t they be fighting?
Bray claimed that Jericho has daddy issues. Then he talked for a bit while Jericho just sat there with a dumb look on his face. Then Jericho said some stuff.

AJ LEE vs. EVA MARIE- DUD!
I actually cried when I found out Eva would be AJ’s opponent. That is how painful the prospect of watching Eva Marie is for me. Paige showed up literally ONE spot into the match and kept skipping around the ring. This allowed Eva Marie to roll AJ up. Yeah. EVA MARIE just pinned the Divas Champion. I would have rather had this spot go to LITERALLY ANY OTHER WOMAN ON THE ROSTER. Even JoJo. But they Eva f*cking “you can’t wrestle” f*cking Marie.
And this didn’t even do anything! Paige already SHOVED AJ OFF THE STAGE! How is THIS an escalation of anything?

PAIGE READS AN APOLOGY IN THE FORM OF POETRY- almost as awesome as Heyman’s rap.
AJ then beats the sh*t out of Eva, which I shouldn’t enjoy because it is a babyface being a sore loser, but in this case I’ll make an exception.

JOHN CENA PROMO- AWESOME!

STEPH HAS BRIE ARRESTED FOR SLAPPING THE THERAPIST- devious!

DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. HEATH SLATER- 4/10
Miz stood on the announce table and ranted. He was very entertaining. Dolph got counted out while trying to beat up Miz.
The people actually chanted for Slater. He responded to this by being a heel and trying to jump Dolph during a handshake, but Dolph blocked his kick and gave him the Zig Zag.

SHEAMUS vs. RANDY ORTON- 7.25/10
Not going to lie… I didn’t pay enough attention to this because I was looking up this show I remembered seeing on TNN once called “Thunderdome” which was like pro-wrestling mixed with racing and some stunt driving. If anyone has any video of this show, please let me know ASAP!
I did see the finish, though, and that was pretty awesome.


HULK HOGAN’S BIRTHDAY PARTY- the nostalgia was good, but the Cena-Lesnar stuff was terrible.
“That mean old nasty Vince McMahon” apparently gave Hogan $9.99 to subscribe to the WWE Network. That made me laugh.
Flair shows up. The Orndorff, who’s antics on his way down to the ring were totally awesome. Piper also showed up. If he and Orndorff jumped Hogan and Flair, and I would totally mark over.
Hall and Nash! Completely with NWO music. Oh dear Lord Hall’s gray bread looks pathetic. Nash’s at least looks slightly dignified.
I assume Brock is going to show up and kill everyone.
Hogan apparently as an NWO shirt on. Isn’t this the point where someone normally turns heel?

Ah. Here comes Brock. And not a moment too soon, because I could not take another moment of Nash trying to imitate Marilyn Monroe. Brock threatens Hogan. Cena has to run out to make the save because apparently the entire rest of the roster was too afraid or just didn’t give a sh*t. Also, why was Cena not out on the stage with everyone else? Does he not respect the Hulkster?
Anyway, Brock just walked away.

Overall, a good go-home show.

[cero2k]

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- okay.
Rollins knows his history. He knows that the larger the box of the birthday present, the more likely it is to attack someone. Ambrose managed to fool him, though, and sent Seth running. Then he cut a good promo.

I Hogan was really expecting to get a Dean Ambrose for his birthday, he's gonna be disappointed. Also, did Dean really wait all show inside the box just to attack Rollins? I would have rather have Abdullah The Butcher re-debut

STEPH SEGMENT- she brings out Daniel Bryan’s physical therapist to claim that she is having an affair with him. They did a fantastic job of choosing this woman, because she looked untrustworthy from the get-go. Brie slapped the therapist and locked Steph in a rough approximation of the Yes Lock. The road agents quickly broke it up, but Steph vowed to finish things tonight.

It's like the writers suddenly said, 'fuck this show, let's not work today'

CESARO vs. JACK SWAGGER (w/Zeb Coulter)- 7/10
We now have a colored-in version of the Swagger t-shirt. Cesaro works over Swagger’s injured ribs. Swagger fights back valiantly and makes Cesaro tap.
Zeb tries to cut a promo after the match, but it interrupted by Rusev and Lana, who stand on the stage menacingly.

to think that four months ago, we thought Cesaro was the one going face and surpassing Swagger, defeating him in every match, 'next world champ' we chanted at him. How things turn in the WWE.

AJ LEE vs. EVA MARIE- DUD!
I actually cried when I found out Eva would be AJ’s opponent. That is how painful the prospect of watching Eva Marie is for me. Paige showed up literally ONE spot into the match and kept skipping around the ring. This allowed Eva Marie to roll AJ up. Yeah. EVA MARIE just pinned the Divas Champion. I would have rather had this spot go to LITERALLY ANY OTHER WOMAN ON THE ROSTER. Even JoJo. But they Eva f*cking “you can’t wrestle” f*cking Marie.

Heel heat. booker new what he was doing

DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. HEATH SLATER- 4/10
Miz stood on the announce table and ranted. He was very entertaining. Dolph got counted out while trying to beat up Miz.
The people actually chanted for Slater. He responded to this by being a heel and trying to jump Dolph during a handshake, but Dolph blocked his kick and gave him the Zig Zag.

a match between the two biggest fan babyface darlings. Wished they would have gotten more time.

“That mean old nasty Vince McMahon” apparently gave Hogan $9.99 to subscribe to the WWE Network. That made me laugh.

The amount of mentions of 9.99 is cringeworthy.

Flair shows up. The Orndorff, who’s antics on his way down to the ring were totally awesome.

You could tell that Hogan shed a tear when he heard Orndorff's song one more time

[Big Red Machine]

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- okay.
Rollins knows his history. He knows that the larger the box of the birthday present, the more likely it is to attack someone. Ambrose managed to fool him, though, and sent Seth running. Then he cut a good promo.

I Hogan was really expecting to get a Dean Ambrose for his birthday, he's gonna be disappointed. Also, did Dean really wait all show inside the box just to attack Rollins? I would have rather have Abdullah The Butcher re-debut

I don't like it much either, but Dean is crazy enough that I'd buy it. It could've been worse. It could have been Return of the Funker, where not only did Terry Funk wait inside a box all night for the sake of the angle, but he did so dressed exactly like the Sandman, because the spot wouldn't have worked otherwise.

STEPH SEGMENT- she brings out Daniel Bryan’s physical therapist to claim that she is having an affair with him. They did a fantastic job of choosing this woman, because she looked untrustworthy from the get-go. Brie slapped the therapist and locked Steph in a rough approximation of the Yes Lock. The road agents quickly broke it up, but Steph vowed to finish things tonight.

It's like the writers suddenly said, 'fuck this show, let's not work today'

Hey... that should be their MO every day. F*ck writing all of these long, over-scripted promos. Let's just give them bullet points and then let them wrestle a lot.

CESARO vs. JACK SWAGGER (w/Zeb Coulter)- 7/10
We now have a colored-in version of the Swagger t-shirt. Cesaro works over Swagger’s injured ribs. Swagger fights back valiantly and makes Cesaro tap.
Zeb tries to cut a promo after the match, but it interrupted by Rusev and Lana, who stand on the stage menacingly.

to think that four months ago, we thought Cesaro was the one going face and surpassing Swagger, defeating him in every match, 'next world champ' we chanted at him. How things turn in the WWE.

Yeah. And the worst part is that it is all ENTIRELY UNNECESSARY. Cesaro didn't do anything to piss anyone off or get in legal trouble or anything. This spot could have easily been filled by any number of heels. They just decided to start jobbing out Cesaro because they "don't need him to be big yet." And while I do get their line of thought, I think it is a pretty sh*tty one. There is no reason they couldn't also keep Cesaro hot. HE should be feuding with Sheamus over the US Title or something like that. If WWE thinks putting a midcard belt on a rising star will hurt said rising star, then that is the wrong attitude. Especially when it comes to a guy like Cesaro who want to make HUGE in the future, but don't have any immediate plans for! Just LET HIM RUN WITH THE BELT and BUILD BOTH THE CHAMPION AND THE TITLE UP AT THE SAME TIME!

AJ LEE vs. EVA MARIE- DUD!
I actually cried when I found out Eva would be AJ’s opponent. That is how painful the prospect of watching Eva Marie is for me. Paige showed up literally ONE spot into the match and kept skipping around the ring. This allowed Eva Marie to roll AJ up. Yeah. EVA MARIE just pinned the Divas Champion. I would have rather had this spot go to LITERALLY ANY OTHER WOMAN ON THE ROSTER. Even JoJo. But they Eva f*cking “you can’t wrestle” f*cking Marie.

Heel heat. booker new what he was doing

Yeah... except for the fact that we now have to deal with the fact that Eva should get a title shot out of this. Unless they bury it on Superstars or something, that will ultimately work to the detriment of WWE programming by giving us another terrible Eva Marie match.

“That mean old nasty Vince McMahon” apparently gave Hogan $9.99 to subscribe to the WWE Network. That made me laugh.

The amount of mentions of 9.99 is cringeworthy.

Yeah. I heard that WWE is trying to make it a thing and have people bring signs because they think this will get the Network over and make people want to buy it. 8-|

[cero2k]

AJ LEE vs. EVA MARIE- DUD!
I actually cried when I found out Eva would be AJ’s opponent. That is how painful the prospect of watching Eva Marie is for me. Paige showed up literally ONE spot into the match and kept skipping around the ring. This allowed Eva Marie to roll AJ up. Yeah. EVA MARIE just pinned the Divas Champion. I would have rather had this spot go to LITERALLY ANY OTHER WOMAN ON THE ROSTER. Even JoJo. But they Eva f*cking “you can’t wrestle” f*cking Marie.

Heel heat. booker new what he was doing

Yeah... except for the fact that we now have to deal with the fact that Eva should get a title shot out of this. Unless they bury it on Superstars or something, that will ultimately work to the detriment of WWE programming by giving us another terrible Eva Marie match.

hey, at least next time when we get one of those 14 woman battle royal scramble title match, it makes sense to have Eva there