BRM Reviews the 8/7/2014 Impact (Dixie Goes Through A Table)

[Big Red Machine]

The show opened with a warning that “due to the strong nature of tonight’s episode, we caution viewers to use parental discretion.” I thoroughly enjoyed this simply because of the absurd notion that ANYONE watching TV would be willing to ask their parents to sit with them and tell them when things became inappropriate so that they could shut it off.

BULLY, DREAMER, & DEVON SHOW UP- eye-roll inducing
A graphic told us that this happened “earlier today.” This would be the same episode of Impact that they showed clips of at the end of last week’s show. So either Dreamer and the Dudleys have a time machine, or someone is lying.
They were walking through the arena as it was being set up, and Dreamer wistfully said “soak it all in, boys. It’s good to be back.” YOU’VE BEEN AT THIS ARENA EVERY THURSDAY FOR THE PAST MONTH!
Bully then declares that this is “Kiss putting the makeup on for one more night.” YOU ALL TEAMED WITH EACH OTHER IN A HARDCORE MATCH AGAINST MOSTLY THE SAME OPPONENTS TWO WEEKS AGO!
Bully then cut a promo in which he sounded like a heel, vowing to bloody EC II. He also vowed to put Dixie through a table. Tommy Dreamer told the viewer to “text your friends” because tonight would be “wrestling history.”
I’m calling bullsh*t on this whole segment. They are trying WAY too hard to make this whole thing seem landmark when it really isn’t.

THEY SHOW A VIDEO PACKAGE THAT SPOILS THE MAIN EVENT- well, I guess I’m done. I don’t need to watch anymore.
And yes, I actually did consider just shutting the TV off and not watching, just to spite TNA for this stupidity (although I will admit that my frustration with the previous segment did play a factor in this)>

We were then welcomed to the show by Mike Tenay, who asked “is this the night that Bully Ray puts Dixie Carter through a table?” Yes, Mike. Yes it is. If even their own lead announcer didn’t know, I guess they didn’t do a good job of getting the word out, did they.

MONSTER’S BALL: Abyss vs. Bram- 5/10
There’s nothing like a No DQ’s match with barbed wire, thumbtacks, a cheese grater, and f*cking JANICE to make one little table bump not seem like that big a deal. Whoever booked this should be flogged. The fact that this was a No DQ’s match in NYC meant that it got “ECW chants.” Yes. “ECW!” chants in an Abyss vs. Bram match. Remember what Dixie and EC III said in their promo last week? Well they almost have a point. Gene Snitzky does deserve “ECW!” chants more than these guys. ECW died THIRTEEN YEARS AGO! GET THE F*CK OVER IT, EVERYONE!
Taz reacted to a cheese grater to the nuts by making a joke. This is poor announcing.
I’m usually fine with No DQ’s matches, but between Taz’s comedy, Tenay’s nonchalance, and especially the crowd’s chanting (and the “WE WANT BLOOD!” chant in particular), I actually became very uncomfortable watching this, and my rating reflects that. If you like ultraviolence, or even stuff slightly tamer than that, you’ll probably like this match a lot, but, for me, the atmosphere made it extremely hard to enjoy. It felt like two guys mutilating each other for the entertainment of the crowd rather than a rivalry in a combat sport gone too far. The exact opposite of Storm vs. Roode.

So Abyss loses his own signature match after being hit with his own signature weapon, but to advance the storyline, Bram now stole Janice after the match as well.


SAMOA JOE & LOW KI BACKSTAGE- Ki interrupts Joe in the middle of a good promo about the X-Division. Low Ki’s voice sounded weird. It was his own voice, but without any emphasis on the words, so he sounded like a Low Ki robot. Joe said he would win the match.

JB INERVIEWS TEAM EC III- bad.
Snitzky, not only recited his horribly lame WWE catchphrase, but who also looked really old. EC III said Rycklon was the last ECW World Heavyweight Champion, but then later in his promo called Rhino the “last true ECW Champion.” Way to bury Rycklon.
He also vowed that Dixie would “never ever ever ever ever” go through a table. See, by giving away the fact that Dixie goes through a table, they are killing that drama that this and Bully’s earlier promo should have built to. Instead they are just out of date comments on a wrestling show. It’s like airing a promo of The Rock vowing to take the title from Steve Austin, except that you already announced at the beginning of tonight’s show that Austin lost the title to Undertaker at last night’s house show.

MVP & PALS PROMO-
They came out to the ring with what MVP described as “New York City’s finest” looking women. They were not even close. It’s not that they weren’t good-looking or anything. It’s just that I refuse to believe that these were the hottest chicks in the most populous city in North America.
MVP cut a good promo, but the fans called it boring. Roode came out and said that Lashley is, in his eyes “one of the most dominant world heavyweight champions to ever hold that title. HE’S BEEN CHAMPION FOR SIX WEEK! HE’S ONLY DEFENDED THE BELT THREE TIMES!
Roode said he came out to talk to Lashley. He brings up the fact that he is the longest-reigning TNA World Heavyweight Champion of all-time. He points out to Lashley that the original plan was for MVP to be champion, not Lashley, and says that MVP just wanted to use and manipulate Lashley.
He then bragged about kicking MVP’s ass. MVP, as you might remember, IS ON CRUTCHES because of the blown-out knee Roode just mentioned. A babyface should not brag about BEATING UP A HANDICAPPED PERSON!
Roode wants a title match. King sucker-punches him on MVP’s orders, and they beat him down, though Lashley didn’t join in. EY and Aries made the save.

GUNNER, ANDERSON, & SHAW BACKSTAGE- Ken privately tells Gunner that he doesn’t trust Shaw. Gunner says that he trusts both Shaw and Anderson, and implies that a lack of trust in Shaw is like having a lack of trust in him.

DREAMER, DEVON, & BULLY PROMO- annoying.
The cameraman asks who their fourth man will be. This is the first time since the match was announced that the concept of the mystery fourth man has ever been brought up. Bully says that he won’t tell the cameraman who it is because the cameraman will go tell everyone else. So keeping their partner’s identity a secret is important… but not so important they won’t drop a bunch of hints.

BRO-MANS & ZEMA ION vs. MR. ANDERSON, SAMUEL SHAW, & GUNNER- no rating. FANTASTIC segment.
Shaw came in as a house of fire and beat up all three heels. Anderson still didn’t approve of him, so they got into a shouting match which resulted in Anderson being rolled up for the pin. Shaw had tried to make the save, but one of the Bro-Mans grabbed his leg from the outside, which you could JUST BARELY see in the camera… so from Anderson’s point of view, it looks like Shaw just stood there and let him get pinned… and watching the footage might not prove that Shaw did no wrong!

DIXIE & MO BACKSTAGE- snore

ANDERSON & GUNNER BACKSTAGE- AWESOME!
Then Shaw showed up and it got even better. Somehow THIS has become the best angle in TNA over the course of the last ten minutes.

EIGHT MAN HARDCORE EXTREME WEAPONS WAR: Team EC III (w/Rockstar Spud) vs. Team Bully Ray- 6/10
Wait… what the f*ck is going on. EC III comes out, and Tenay starts talking about a backstage “coin-toss” for the “man advantage.” What the hell is happening? Are they doing War Games without a cage? If that’s the case then SAY THAT BEFOREHAND! Or maybe at least give it a name that gives some indication of that.
Bully got almost no pop upon coming out. That was sad.
The mystery partner was Al Snow. Yeah. It’s as pathetic as it sounds. They also killed the surprise for everyone at the arena by handing out Styrofoam heads, but they also managed to look like a fourth-rate rip-off promotion at the same time, so good for them!
Rather than run down to help his friends, who were getting beaten up in the ring, Al took the time to pose and shake his fake head on the entrance ramp. What a great pal!
I’m not going to lie: the crowd was totally into the ECW stuff, and they all worked hard (Al Snow did an ASAI MOONSAULT!), but to me watching at home, this felt like such a lame rip-off of a promotion that died thirteen years ago.
After the match, Bully vowed to put Dixie through a table. Then Dixie vowed that King Mo would knock Bully out.

EC III PROMO- he says that his guys are not done in their mission to defend Dixie. He also calls King Mo a “secret weapon.” I’ll give him a pass on this one because he just got hit in the head a bunch of times.

KNOCKOUTS SEGMENT-
Velvet Sky looked horrifically trashy tonight… and not even in the really hot way. Angelina didn’t look much better. Angelina demands her rematch for the Knockouts’ Title right now. Taryn came out (not looking trashy at all) and said that last week Angelina stole not only her chance at becoming Knockouts Champion for the first time, but also her chance at settling her long-standing rivalry with Gail Kim. Great babyface stuff… except that her delivery sounded like a teenage girl catting it up with another teenage girl because they both wore the same dress to a party.
Angelina said Gail wasn’t as good as she was and that she would need to go home and admit her failures to her new baby daughter. Pointlessly mentioning other wrestlers’ kids has become a big pet peeve cliché of mine over the past few months, so this really annoyed me. Gail Kim came out and said that last week Kurt said he would let her pick her next challenger, so she is booking a four way match between herself, Angelina, Taryn, and Velvet. She then tries to stir up dissension between Velvet and Angelina. Instead, TBP jump the babyfaces, but the babyfaces come out on top after Velvet accidentally hits Angelina.

JAMES STORM & SANADA BACKSTAGE- Storm tells Sanada to win the X-Division Title “for me,” and orders Sanada to bow to him.

COMMERCIALS FOR NEXT WEEK’S SHOW- GREAT!,,, just don’t do it in the middle of the show.

BULLY RAY PROMO- It also made him seem creepy. Like some sort of sadist. He also said he would knock King Mo out and put Dixie through a table.

MATCH FOR THE VACANT TNA X-DIVISION TITLE: Low Ki vs Samoa Joe vs. Sanada- 6.75/10
I like the finish here (Joe making Sanada tap) because it lets you tell the story of Storm being pissed at Sanada for failing him while also keeping Joe vs. Ki as singles match for BFG.


SEGMENT WITH DIXIE GOING THROUGH A TABLE-
Just as I sarcastically predicted last week, Bully technically did not keep his promise to put Dixie Carter through a table “by this time next week” because he made that promise at the top of the hour, and it is now almost the main event.
Dixieland comes out. Then Dixie fires Snitzky & Rycklon. Why fire them? Why not have the babyfaces run through even greater odds to put Dixie through a table, and then have EC III fire them on the 24/7 app for actually failing to defend Dixie?
Then she orders the fans to leave the show. If she wanted to do this, she should have hired Condor Security.
The babyfaces come out and Bully starts to cut a promo. “For a very long time, I have promised these people one thing: that you, the most hated in the history of professional wrestling, is going through that table.”
At this point, I just lost it. “GET THE F*CK ON WITH IT ALREADY!” I screamed. You see, this is the problem with giving away that it was going to happen. Because moments like these, which should be theoretically exciting, become tedious and boring.
Then Tommy got his turn to talk. He said “Dixie, I tried telling you with an extreme pipebomb.” This pissed me off even more. First of all- pipebomb? Really, Tommy? You are not CM Punk. You are not as a good a wrestler as CM Punk, and you are NOWHERE NEAR as good a talker as CM Punk.” And to call it an “extreme” pipebomb? What part of your “pipebomb” was “extreme,” Tommy? All I remember you doing is breaking down into tears like a little pussy.

Tommy continued, saying that “what you represent is all that’s wrong with this business.” Then King Mo punched Tommy in the face, I and I actually popped HUGE because someone finally shut these assholes up.
Then a brawl started, and Bully made easy work of King Mo in a regular old fist-fight, completely killing his value to TNA forever. Devon beat up Spud, and I don’t even know what happened to EC III and Rhino. They just kind of disappeared. Dixie was once again too stupid to try to LEAVE THE RING while all his was happening, instead waiting until 3-D ha her cornered and set up the table. Spud went to carry Dixie away, but then an army of babyfaces such as Eric Young, Gail Kim, Samoa Joe, Taryn Terrell, Jeff Hardy, and Bobby Roode, almost all of whom really have no quarrel with her at all, come out to block their escape. Tenay told us it was the entire locker room (and this included guys like Crazzy Steve, who has had no interaction with Dixie at all). Okay, fine. If the entire locker room wanted Dixie to go through a table so badly, WHY HAVE THEY NEVER TRIED TO HELP BULLY PUT HER THROUGH A TABLE BEFORE!?

People have criticized this as being an act of man-on-woman violence, and I think those people are completely missing the point. Dixie's gender has not been relevant ONCE. She wasn't the female boss. She was the boss who happened to be female. They didn't put her through a table because she is a woman. This would have played out the same way if you replace Dixie with Eric Bischoff or Vince Russo or MVP or Vince McMahon. They put her through a table because she was the evil boss.

So Dixie gets put through a table, and the fans cheer. Much respect to Dixie for taking the bump… but I HATED the execution here. In particular, I didn’t like all of these people coming out to ringside. This felt like it should have been Bully’s moment, and having all of these people who had no quarrel with her out here to help in it felt like it cheapened that. That and the whole thing with Dixie’s lackey’s (including King Mo and Rhino) apparently having glass jaws.
Well… at least this sh*tty angle is over.



Anyway, there was some decent action on this show, but I really dislike almost everything else. Check out the Anderson-Shaw-Gunner stuff, though. That was all fantastic!

[cero2k]

JAMES STORM & SANADA BACKSTAGE- Storm tells Sanada to win the X-Division Title “for me,” and orders Sanada to bow to him.

i'm not liking where this is going, i feel like Sanada left his 'not so oppressing' sensei, to become James Storm bitch. it's like going backwards. I know that it's to avoid the language barrier, but I really hope that as soon as he debuts the new look he leaves Storm behind

[Big Red Machine]

JAMES STORM & SANADA BACKSTAGE- Storm tells Sanada to win the X-Division Title “for me,” and orders Sanada to bow to him.

i'm not liking where this is going, i feel like Sanada left his 'not so oppressing' sensei, to become James Storm bitch. it's like going backwards. I know that it's to avoid the language barrier, but I really hope that as soon as he debuts the new look he leaves Storm behind

No! It's great! Sanada is willing to accept Storm's douchebaggery because he thinks he can learn from Storm. Sooner or later, he will stand up to him, but that is now the story needs to go, otherwise Storm's role is irrelevant.

[cero2k]

JAMES STORM & SANADA BACKSTAGE- Storm tells Sanada to win the X-Division Title “for me,” and orders Sanada to bow to him.

i'm not liking where this is going, i feel like Sanada left his 'not so oppressing' sensei, to become James Storm bitch. it's like going backwards. I know that it's to avoid the language barrier, but I really hope that as soon as he debuts the new look he leaves Storm behind

No! It's great! Sanada is willing to accept Storm's douchebaggery because he thinks he can learn from Storm. Sooner or later, he will stand up to him, but that is now the story needs to go, otherwise Storm's role is irrelevant.

i kinda see that, but I can only see that working if one of them turns face, and i definitely wanna see Sanada stay heel with his new look, but at the same time, i'm enjoying heel storm sooo much.