BRM Rants A Lot While Watching the Putrid 6/12/2014 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- dumb
EY calls out both Dixie Carter and MVP & Pals. MVP fails to comprehend that EY was being facetious when he referred to MVP and Dixie as friends.
EY wants a fair fight. MVP says he would like to, but it won’t happen because King and Lashley are uncontrollable. If you’re evil plan is to cheat, why would you reveal it?
EY says he wants a fair fight, so MVP decides to give EY the chance to pick the stip for their world title match at Slammiversary, if Eric can beat all three of them tonight. If you are MVP, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?! You stand to gain absolutely nothing! In fact, why isn’t he booking EY in a hardcore ironman death-gauntlet against the entire rest of the roster? Could this possibly get any stupider?

WHY DID I HAVE TO ASK?!
Rather than all three of them, Kenny King opened his mouth and said that EY couldn’t beat two of them, so MVP now decides that EY only has to beat two of them. WHAT THE F*CK?!
EY then totally buries himself, making his title reign seem like an accident (“maybe I shouldn’t be the World Heavyweight Champion… but I am.”). MVP then announces that EY vs. Lashley will take place right now. Tenay somehow knows that this match will not start until after the commercial break, and lo and behold, when we came back from break, the bell had not rung yet.

ERIC YOUNG vs. BOBBY LASHLEY- 4/10
As the match starts, Tenay tells us that this is “the first of three potential matches tonight” for EY in order to get to choose the stip for Slammiversary. Didn’t they just establish that it was only two matches? Now Taz just said that EY only needs two wins, and I am even more confused. Tenay finally clarifies that EY will need to win two out of three. That makes more sense, but they really should have explained it better in the promo segment.
Anyway, TNA World Heavyweight Champion Eric Young, the man who we theoretically want to pay to see this Sunday… loses cleanly in just over five minutes. Why would anyone ever want to pay to see this chump?

AFTERMATH- Lashley beats EY up some more, then sets up to hit him with the title belt, but Samoa Joe comes out. He and Lashley have a staredown in the ring, and the Bobby Lashley throws away the title belt- a WEAPON- in order to throw punches at Joe. They brawled briefly. Joe low-bridged Lashley so that Joe “won” the brawl but Lashley didn’t look weak. Good build to a secondary match at Slammiversary.
Apparently Dixie is in Dallas tonight to meet with the TNA Board of Directors about Bully Ray and MVP.
1. Why is the meeting in Dallas instead of Nashville, where TNA headquarters are?
2. Of all of the hours in the week, why the hell did Dixie decide to call a board meeting during the time when their TV show is on the air?

WILLOW PROMO- bad. Also, he kept saying "we," so he might be hallucinating or talking to Jeff Hardy or something.

EY & A RANDOM GUY BACKSTAGE- EY is hurt. This guy tells him “I don’t think you should go back out there. It could be serious. I guess this guy was supposed to be a doctor or a trainer, but if so shouldn’t he just medically order EY not to wrestle again tonight?

SAMOA JOE PROMO- great.

BRAM, MAGNUS & PROMO & SEGMENT WITH WILLOW- good. They are just wearing black tanktops and blue jeans, and it fits the character perfectly. Magnus said that he hated having to wear suits to be part of Dixie’s group.

Willow then comes out and he says that he is “from Jeff Hardy’s imag-I-nation.” They tease that there will be a match at Slammiversary pitting the two mean Brits (London Brawling 2.0?) against Willow and Jeff Hardy. Bram cut an awesome little promo on Willow.
Willow said “you never know which one (Jeff Hardy or Willow) is going to show up.” Oh really? Considering that we had never seen or heard of Willow before Jeff Hardy quit TNA this winter, and also considering that since Willow first appeared, we have never seen Jeff Hardy, it seems pretty certain that it will be Willow wrestling at the PPV and not Jeff Hardy.
Okay, apparently it is just a singles match at the PPV, and it will be Magnus (w/Bram) vs. Willow with his new pal whose identity he revealed via knock-knock joke: the monster Abyss. This would be the same Abyss whose last appearance on TV was about six weeks ago, and ended as a giant cliffhanger about whether or not he was still employed by TNA… and this was never followed up on. Said cliffhanger was not mentioned here, either.
Abyss came out and they had a brawl, in which the babyfaces beat the heels up. If I just saw them beat the heels up for free right now, then why should I pay to see it in three days at Slammiversary?

Apparently EC III got jumped by MVP & Pals after last week’s main event because he lost an entirely pointless match with nothing on the line. I said it last week and I’ll say it now, too: if you are MVP, why are you alienating the only guy on the roster likely to align himself with you?
And while we’re on the subject of MVP, why isn’t he making EY wrestle his matches back-to-back? Why give him time to recover, especially knowing that he is now injured? This heel turn hasn’t just exposed MVP as being evil: it has also exposed him as being the DUMBEST MOTHERF*CKER IN THE WORLD!

EC III PROMO- he says he will call Bully out and expose him for being a “violent heathen.” For some reason they felt the need to have him tape this while the brawl that we just saw was going on. I know that this is what happened because the sounds from the ring and the sound of a Abyss’ music were so loud and clear that it kept distracting me from what Ethan was saying.

ROBBIE E. (w/Jesse Godderz & DJ Zema) vs. KNUX (w/the Menagerie)- DUD!

TNA had the poor sense to ask people to buy Slammiversary… while the Menagerie’s whacky entrance was going on. “If you buy Slammiversary, THIS is what you can expect to see!” And what an entrance it was. With the red and blue glitter of his ringleader’s jacket and his crappy “Knux” t-shirt underneath, Knux looks like a complete and total idiot. Also, do you remember the Hart Dynasty’s entrance, where DH Smith and Tyson Kidd would grab Nattie under her pits and boost her up onto the apron? Well Knux and The Freak, both of whom are much larger than either member of the Hart Dynasty (The freak’s whole f*cking gimmick is that he is a circus strongman!), were not strong enough to lift Rebel up high enough to do this and easily set her down on the apron.
As for the match itself… well… the good news is that they didn’t botch anything. The bad news was that everything about this sucked. The Menaerie’s music playing on a loop throughout the whole match made it absolutely impossible to take any of the offense seriously, and there was just WAY too much crap going on outside the ring. And the torture didn’t even end when the match did! They had to do more dumb sh*t with Robbie being afraid of clowns, running around the ring in fear, in circles, before running to the back with balloons tied to his arm. Mike Tenay said that all of this zaniness was “just another Thursday night at the Impact Zone.” We’ve got idiotic, boring crap going on and a short, boring crappy wrestling match. You know what, Mike? I think you just hit the nail right on the head.

EC III & SPUD BACKSTAGE- Once again, they didn’t edit the background music out of Ethan’s segment, and because said background music was the Menagerie’s, it made it completely impossible to take anything they were saying seriously. From what I gather, they brought Brooke Tessmacher back. I guess she is going to tell everyone that Bully abused her or something.

MORE STUFF FROM LAST WEEK- crap
they showed the same clip of MVP & Pals beating EC III up after the match, but this time the clip went longer… and there was sound. It turns out that they stopped beating Ethan up BECAUSE DIXIE YELLED AT THEM. She gets in MVP’s face tells him “you’ve got a war, and every single one of you are gonna pay! ” If she is declaring war on them, won’t they just go back to beating Ethan up?
MVP then looks Dixie right in the eyes and says “historically, power has never been seized without the spilling of blood.” Dixie responds by telling him “get ready to bleed.” So we have MVP reciting crappy, unnatural dialogue straight out of a community theater play, while Dixie is spouting generic action movie trailer fodder.
Um… which match on Sunday’s PPV is this supposed to be building up to?

EC III, SPUD, & BROOKE SEGMENT-
EC III brings Brooke out to “expose Bully Ray’s checkered past” or something like that. At some point during this six month kayfabe vacation she has been on, she seems to have misplaced her last name, because everyone (including her PandaTron video) was just referring to her as “Brooke.”
EC III asks Brooke if her relationship with Bully ended because Bully had a drinking problem and was adulterous. That’s a stupid question. We know why their relationship ended. It was that HORRID f*cking segment form the 12/26 Impact in which he threatened to hit her with a piledriver (while she, for her part, said a whole bunch of things that made no sense together and also refused to accept responsibility for having the worst aim I have ever seen). Why would EC III even ask this? Brooke says no, and from the look on her face, she is wondering the same thing as me.
Ethan then asks if their relationship ended because he threatened to put her through a table. Brooke says no, and tells him that his assertion is “ridiculous.” Is there really that much a difference to her between being threatened with a piledriver and being threatened with a table bump? Does she consider one abusive but the other perfectly fine? Because that is the only reason I can come up with for what appears to be a complete lack of understanding of things on Brooke’s part. That or she’s just an idiot.
Spud then says that Brooke has a secret. Brooke says that she doesn’t have one. Spud says that she is lying and he has the evidence to prove it! He pulls out a crumpled envelope with “the results” in it. He claims that Bully fathered a child by Brooke. He “proved” this by comparing one picture of Bully to one picture of a baby that Brooke asserted wasn’t even hers. Spud calls her a “hussy,” and Brooke slaps him in response. EC III threatens to “do what Bully didn’t, and teach you a lesson in respect.” Bully Ray then comes out to make the save.
Bully vows to put Ethan through a table someday, then apologizes to Brooke for the way their relationship ended and wishes her all the best in life. Then Ethan, THE HEEL, challenges Bully to a tables match. They then tease that Bully Ray will MURDER Ethan on Sunday on his way to putting Dixie through a table.
With all of this talk about tables, they decide to have… a Texas Deathmatch.
This whole segment absolutely blew! What was even the f*cking point of it?! What were Ethan and Spud trying to prove? That Bully is a bad person? There is TWO DECADES WORTH OF FILM of Bully being a bad person! And not just “footage.” COMMERCIALLY AVAILABLE VIDEOTAPES! What the f*ck was the point of doing this when they could just pop in some footage of him being a douche in the Aces & Eights last year?!

MVP & PALS BACKSTAGE- MVP and Lashley tell Kenny King to be careful and not lose his match against EY, which is up next.

ERIC YOUNG vs. KENNY KING- 4.5/10
The match was good with them doing reinforcing the back-injury story, but... remember how EY was such a chump that he lost clean in five minutes at the beginning of this show, despite being perfectly fresh and healthy? Well Kenny King is such a chump that when EY wasn’t fresh and healthy, Kenny still lost in five minutes.

THE CAMERAMAN INTERVIEWS MADISON RAYNE- The cameraman was talking too softly, and when you add in the background noise of fans cheering, I could not understand a single word he said. Even when I raised the volume most of the way up the dial and stood right next to our practically brand new TV. This show was taped OVER A MONTH AGO, and they didn’t not re-shoot this or re-record the questions in post production or anything.
Anyway, Madison assures us that she is definitely 100% focused on winning tonight’s #1 contendership match and not at all in any way focused on Brittany.


EY TALKS TO THE SAME GOOF FROM BEFORE- They say the same things they did the first time around. Why is EY even talking to this guy instead of his wife, ODB, or one of his buddies like Bully or the Wolves or Aries?
JB then shows up to interview EY. EY says he doesn’t think MVP is man enough to face him. This entire segment was pointless.

WINNER GETS A KNOCKOUTS TITLE SHOT AT SLAMMIVERSARY: Madison Rayne vs. Gail Kim, vs. Brittany- 4/10
I was about to rant about how ridiculous Brittany’s presence in this match was because she has only won ONE MATCH, which was THREE MONTHS AGO, and wasn’t even clean, but upon reviewing my notes to find out exactly when she debuted, I discovered that she actually got a visual pinfall on the champion in a title match three weeks ago. If they are building to Brittany being in a #1 Contendeship match, they should have mentioned that over the course of the past few weeks. It was never mentioned once.
Brittany wants to work together with Madison, but Madison wants to do things fairly. They did a fun comedy spot based off of that. Then TBP came out and the camera stayed on them while they did their entrance dancing instead of the action in the ring. Then we went to a commercial. When we got back from the commercial, we saw about ten seconds of in-ring action, before they cut to the announcer’s desk to show us that Velvet and Angelina were doing commentary… and the camera stayed on them for longer than it was on the in-ring action! (it was only a few seconds longer, but it was just infuriating. We don’t need you to show us that they are doing commentary because WE CAN HEAR THEM!). They kept cutting away from the match to show us TPB just standing there on commentary. Like, at least twelve seconds out of every minute the camera was focused on TBP instead the action.
Angelina tried to do commentary without a monitor, which obviously failed. TBP then decided to interfere in the match, seemingly to help Brittany, but it backfired and Velvet accidentally sprayed Brittany in the eyes with the hairspray, allowing Gail to pin her and win the match… because G-d for that the challenger should actually look strong going into her title match on one of your biggest shows of the year.
The referee for this match was Brian Stiffler, who, as Taz and Tenay pointed out, is so infatuated with the Beautiful People that he loses all focus on his job. This has happened in just about every Knockouts match in the company since TBP got back together almost two months ago. In that time, NO ONE in TNA management has taken any steps to correct this problem! To make matters worse, this is the THIRD TIME they have done this angle in the past five years (TBP seduced Slick Johnson to help them win at Victory Road 2009, then they had the whole thing in the summer of 2012 where Madison and had a crush on Earl Hebner so Earl helped her win matches, and now this). The most recent time that they did this angle, the authority figure was Brooke Hogan, and she took action almost immediately to correct this problem (granted, her reaction was an utter ridiculous overreaction, but still) this means that the current TNA management is WORSE AT THEIR JOBS THAN BROOKE HOGAN!

MVP TALKS TO BRIAN HEBNER- we don’t hear what he is saying, but the cameraman asks him about it, and MVP assures us that he told Hebner to call the match fairly.

We are informed by Mike Tenay that Dixie Carter sent out a Tweet saying that she will get revenge on Bully Ray and MVP at Slammiversary. In other words, they are advertising that if you buy this PPV, you will get to see a heel screw over a popular babyface and also feud with another heel. Why would ANYONE want to see that?
(I’m also calling it here and now that her “revenge” will come in the form of Bobby Roode)
And, of course, we now know that MVP won’t be wrestling at Slammiversary, so they are advertising something that they can’t deliver on (and they HAD to know that MVP wouldn’t be able to go before Thursday. I know that the show was taped a month in advance and that there was nothing they could do about changing the in-ring segments, but all of this stuff with Dixie and MVP and Bully was done as on-screen graphics and the footage from after last week’s show of MVP & Pals attacking Ethan and Dixie yelling at them. THIS all could have been changed. Just don’t air the stuff with Ethan (give the time to footage from a match that got cut because of a commercial) and change the Dixie graphics and stuff to only talk about Bully, and you are now not only making sure that you are only advertising things you can deliver on, but you are also cutting out a needless feud between two heel factions that no one cares about (and if you REALLY want to do the feud, you can just go back to it after Slammiversary).

SLAMMIVERSARY CARD RUNDOWN- You’d think that this would be the easiest thing in the world to get right, but no. TNA cannot even get this right.
1. They are advertising a Texas Deathmatch, but have never explained what the rules of a Texas Deathmatch are (and before I hear anyone complain that “everyone knows what the rules of a Texas Deathmatch are,” I would like to remind you that in this company, a “Gauntlet Match” means a Royal Rumble where the final two go to a pinfall).
2. The graphic for the Magnus vs. Willow match did not have their respective cornermen in it, which, based off of the segment earlier tonight, is a big part of the match. Tenay mentioned that Abyss would be in Willow’s corner, but did not mention Bram at all.
3. They failed to mention the Von Erichs
4. There was absolutely no mention of the X-Division Title Ladder match, which TNA announced on Wednesday. Not here, and not anywhere else on this show, either. And while we’re on the subject…
At Slammiversary, there will be a ladder match for the X-Division Title in which Sanada will defend against Davey Richards, Eddie Edwards, Tigre Uno, Manik, and Crazzy Steve.
First we have the Wolves, who are the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, and are feuding with the top heel stable. What the f*ck are they doing in this match? Furthermore, last week they defied orders and attacked MVP’s little buddy Kenny King, despite Kenny’s warning that they would be sorry if they did. But instead of being punished, they are being put in a title match? WHAT THE F*CK?!
Look… I love the Wolves just as much as everyone else does. I’ve been following them for years, and I think that they are two of the four best workers on the active roster (Storm and Aries being the other two), but if you need to leave them off of the PPV, then that is what you have to do! And there are so many ways to do it that fit in well with this feud!
Davey’s ribs are already injured because of MVP & Pals, so why not have him get jumped and injured backstage! This would set up a spot where Kenny King or Bobby Lashley are about to cheat in their match at Slammiversary, but Eddie comes out and takes a weapon away from them. Or film a pre-tape where they get jumped by King and Lashley at a house show or something. Or just have MVP announce that he has suspended them for what they did to Kenny King. Just do… SOMETHING that MAKES SENSE!

Then we have Manik. Anyone know when the last time Manik won a televised match was? It was the October 3rd, 2013 Impact. THAT’S OVER EIGHT MONTHS AGO! And it wasn’t even a clean win! Since then he has barely had any matches, and has lost ALL OF THEM.
In a similar but not quite as ridiculous situation we have Tigre Uno, whose last win was in April during his best of three series with Sanada for the X-Division Title. Since then, he has lost all three of his matches, including not one, but TWO X-Division Title matches. He also got completely squashed by Bram. Yeah. The guy whose gimmick is that he always gets DQed… and Tigre Uno loses to him cleanly.
Then we have Crazzy Steve. Yeah. CRAZZY STEVE is getting an X-Division Title shot on PPV. Crazzy Steve had ONE match in TNA. He lost it by DQ. He has done absolutely nothing but a be clown. Literally. And somehow he is getting an X-Division Title match. Not only this, but he gets to be on this PPV while Gunner, who TNA has been portraying as future world champion, is not.

ERIC YOUNG vs. MVP- 1/10
Tenay apparently somehow knows what MVP said to Brian Hebner. I guess he’s a lip-reader. MVP’s instructions to Hebner (assuming Tenay isn’t 100% wrong, which is entirely possible given how stupid Mike is) were that once the bell rings, no one is allowed to be at ringside. As I’m sure you all saw coming, EY got jumped by King and Lashley on his way to the ring. This was okay because, as Tenay managed to sound shocked to explain to us (as if MVP was some sort of genius for coming up with this idea), the bell hadn’t rung yet. Of course, if the bell hadn’t rung yet, there was nothing to stop EY’s babyface buddies from coming out to help him, but none of them did.
Anyway, remember what I said before about EY being a chump for losing clean in five minutes? And then what I said after that about how Kenny King was an even bigger chump for losing clean to the original chump when he was totally fresh and healthy but Eric was not? Well MVP was facing EY when EY was even more injured and even less fresh than before, but still couldn’t beat him. Maybe he’s still not as a big of a chump as Kenny, but he still couldn’t put the already injured EY away a lot more time than Lashley got the job done against a fresh EY in.
Instead, he intentionally got himself DQed, allowing EY to choose the stipulation for their TNA World Heavyweight Title match at Slammiversary. Now that the match was over, Kenny King and Bobby Lashley sauntered back out to ringside. No babyfaces came out to prevent what appeared to be the beginning of a vicious beatdown of EY. Fortunately, the heels didn’t beat Eric down for some reason. Instead, MVP says he doesn’t care what stip EY chooses. Won’t he be surprised when he winds up facing EY in a “first person to be Canadian wins” match or something like that in which he has no chance. The heels walked off, proud of themselves for this supposedly ingenious scheme, when Eric, in pain and out of breath, grabbed a mic and said that tonight proved that MVP couldn’t beat him fair and square (he ignores the fact that Lashley did so with very little difficulty. Shouldn’t EY offer Lashley a title shot or something?), so he has elected to face MVP for the TNA World Heavyweight Title in the main event of Slammiversary… in a steel cage match. He chose this stipulation, as Tenay explained, because the cage will prevent anyone from interfering… just like it did the last time that we had a steel cage match for the TNA World Heavyweight Title to prevent anyone from interfering, which was just three months ago at Lockdown when… oh. Yeah. Whoops. This company is run by complete and total idiots.

This was one of the most WRETCHED wrestling shows I have seen in my life. It just completely and totally failed at everything, with the exception of building up Joe vs. Lashley, which they did very early on and then it was never mentioned again (aside from the rundown). This might well be the worst go-home show ever (Just checked my records: the Smackdown go-home show for Elimination Chamber 2012 was worse). Anyway, come see TNA’s big anniversary show, Slammiversary XII, where you will see:
1. An unlikeable douchebag of a babyface take on a heel who seems like a really cool guy who just likes to sit back, drink beer, and be a cowboy.
2. A babyface who can’t get a clean win against a girl who has literally only one win in her career challenge for the Knockout’s Title against the heels who always cheat and who can manipulate the referee with their sexuality in a regular match where no precautions whatsoever have been made to prevent the heels from cheating.
3. Two dudes who you have never seen before but who have a last name you have probably heard of wrestle against completely undetermined opponents.
4. Bully Ray seek to get revenge on EC III even though he already did that last week when he busted him open in a first blood match, handing him his first career loss. Also in this match, Dixie basically announced to the world that she would screw Bully, so even if you wanted to see Bully get more revenge (in the form of murdering Ethan), you won’t get to!
5. Two guys whose gimmicks are that they always get DQed face off in a regular old wrestling match, and each guy will be backed by another guy who likes to use weapons and get DQed!
6. Austin Aries wrestle a complete and total chump!
7. Two big tanks go at it when Samoa Joe takes on Bobby Lashley!
8. The babyface who told us that he probably doesn’t deserve to be champion take on the idiotic heel owner of the company in a match whose stipulations failed to ensure a fair fight the last time we had this same situation, which was a mere three months ago!... and he’ll probably win because another heel owner will screw the first heel owner.
THAT is what they advertised on this show. Will anyone really be surprised if ROH gets a better buyrate than TNA?

[Nic/Phreak]

Please Edit this post as Phreak was, is and always will be better than Freak ;) thank you and have a nice day ((but glad youre thinking of me lol))


"""onto the apron? Well Knux and The Phreak, both of whom are much larger than either member of the Hart Dynasty (The Phreak’s whole f*cking gimmick is that he is a circus strongman!), were not strong enough to lift Rebel up high enough to do this and easily set her down on the apron. """"

[Big Red Machine]

Please Edit this post as Phreak was, is and always will be better than Freak ;) thank you and have a nice day ((but glad youre thinking of me lol))

I thought that was how they spelled it, but Wikipedia says you are right.

"""onto the apron? Well Knux and The Freak, both of whom are much larger than either member of the Hart Dynasty (The Phreak’s whole f*cking gimmick is that he is a circus strongman!), were not strong enough to lift Rebel up high enough to do this and easily set her down on the apron. """"

Happy? I even edited the OP for your, too.

[Nic/Phreak]

very happy no I believe that since I have Phreak a wiki TNA seen it and was like ""yeah lets just go with Freak"" lol