BRM Reviews the 5/29/2014 Impact

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 5/29/2014 Impact

Post by Big Red Machine » May 30th, '14, 01:35

OPENING SEGMENT- Bully says that he is now obsessed with putting MVP and his pals, as well as EC III, Spud, and Dixie through tables. He vows to the fans that he will accomplish this goal. He even uses the phrase "so help me G-d." Those of you with memories that go back longer than two months will remember Bully making a similar vow about Dixie... which hasn't yet come true. Bully's promo was very good and he made a whole big production of revealing everyone's name spray-painted on tables, but I felt very lost while watching this. Like I had tuned in in the middle of the show and had missed something important.

Bully then makes an open challenge, so MVP answers it on behalf of his entire faction... but that was just a distraction to allow EC III to clip Bully's knee and then those four guys and Spud beat Bully up. The crowd didn't react to it at all, but I thoroughly enjoyed Spud and EC III doing the Dudleys' "GET THE TABLES!" spot. Just as Bully is about to be put through a table, EY, Aries, and the Wolves come out to make the save. Spud gets caught in the ring (he tried to hide under the table... in his bright blue suit) and the babyfaces put him through a table, which would have been good... if Spud hadn't been in a neckbrace. With Spud already in a neckbrace, it just seemed excessive. The babyfaces want a six man tag, and when we come back from commercial, we get...

AUSTIN ARIES & THE WOLVES vs. MVP, LASHLEY, & KENNY KING- 7.25/10
Davey Richards' ribs are taped after that spear off the ramp through a table last week. He and Eddie both played babyface in peril. This was the best match on Impact in a long time that wasn't Storm vs. Gunner.

MAGNUS & BRAM BACKSTAGE- Bram's first singles match is coming up. I am very excited.

EC III & DIXIE BACKSTAGE- Dixie apparently didn't watch the opening segment. EC III thinks MVP & pals didn't help him in the earlier segment, but Dixie wants him to support her as she and MVP have "business" tonight.

TIGRE UNO vs. BRAM (w/Magnus)- GREAT squash. I just wish Tigre Uno hadn't been the one to get squashed.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- GREAT!
Bram wants to murder Tigre Uno with a wrench, but Magnus won't let him. Bram says that the old Magnus would have had no problem with this. Magnus somehow turned what seemed like a challenge to Bram into suggesting that Bram tke on Willow by himself. Umm... okay...

GUNNER & ANDERSON BACKSTAGE- eh.
Anderson thinks Gunner is crazy for visiting Sam Shaw in the mental hospital. Gunner says that Shaw "just needs someone to listen to him. Anderson calls Gunner "Dr. Phil Shatter." That got me to laugh. Anderson points out that the mental hospital has professionally trained doctors whose job it is to listen to Shaw. Gunner thinks that whatever problems Shaw has is just like PTSD. Gunner is an idiot.
He also brought up his military service. I wish they wouldn't do that every single time he is on camera.

BRITTANY & MADISON BACKSTAGE- bad.
Apparently TNA booked the Beautiful People in a tag match against Brittany, but left it up to Brittany to find her own partner. She wants Madison to be her partner, but Madison totally buries her by telling her that she "isn't ready" to face TBP yet. What the hell does that mean? That she isn't good enough? Rather than be her partner and help this young aspiring wrestler in need get revenge on their mutual foes, Madison encourages Brittany to be a coward and avoid her tormentors. What a sh*tty babyface!

MR. ANDERSON & GUNNER vs. BRO-MANS (w/Zema Ion)- 3.75/10
Standard tag team stuff.

As Bro-Mans contemplate their loss, The Menagerie's music plays... and I am totally perplexed as to how those guys on stilts got on the stage with no one noticing. Menagerie's music now has an intro from a carnival barker, which was great. Taz and Tenay immediately killed this with their stupid jokes. Bro-Mans had awesome facial reactions. Zema took a beating, and I will shamefully admit to being entertained by this (mostly because of Bro-Mans' facials).

GAIL & BRITTANY BACKSTAGE- okay.
Brittany asks Gail to be her tag partner. Gail says okay. Brittany awkwardly hugs her.

MVP & PALS & THE CARTERS SEGMENT- crap.
Dixie threatens to get MVP in trouble with the TNA Board of Directors (who apparently meet in Dallas, despite the company headquarters being in Nashville and the tapings almost all in Orlando) and get MVP in trouble for abuse of power. Can someone explain to me why this board of directors would care about MVP's abuse of power when they have never cared about the myriad abuses of power of TNA authority figures before (Bischoff, Hogan, Dixie, Foley). And if they really did care, why haven't they done something about it already? Don't they watch the show?
MVP and Dixie verbally posture, really not saying anything of substance. EY and Bully come out, exchange crappy dialogue (and even some comedy- yeah. In this spot,) then decide to not fight the heels, despite having a steel pipe and Bully's chain. MVP books them against each other with EC III as a special guest referee... and Bully would apparently rather be fired than have to wrestle against EY. Then DIXIE of all people talks Bully into staying by saying that EY doesn't have the stomach to fight the way this war needs to be fought... and Bully accepts this logic... which means that he believes that EY, the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, isn't good enough. WHAT THE F*CK?!
Bully cuts a promo vowing to put them all through tables, then he and EY walk off, with TNA World Heavyweight Champion Eric Young looking like nothing but Bully's dorky sidekick.

THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE PROMO- eh.

THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE vs. GAIL KIM & BRITTANY- 4/10
Shouldn't Brittany not be so smiley and instead be angry and trying to get revenge for the humiliation she suffered last week? I'm just saying. Why is this "TNA Board of Directors" we heard about in the last segment allowing this angle with Brian Stiffler and TBP to continue?

EY & BULLY BACKSTAGE- not good
Bully says that if he beats EY, he will become the #1 contender. This would make sense under normal circumstances, but we currently have two heel authority figures who hate Bully and one of whom has already named HIMSELF the #1 contender to the world title. I doubt MVP or Dixie will make Bully the #1 contender if he wins.

BRITTANY & MADISON SEGMENT-
Brittany wants Madison to come out and talk to her. Brittany wants to know why Madison wouldn't be her partner tonight. Now that she already found a different partner and already wrestled the match. Sure. Why not?
Madison says her issues with Velvet and Angelina are private and she doesn't want to be responsible for getting Brittany involved. Brittany says that Madison doesn't have to worry about her and tells her "I just want to be with you."
Madison responds about as well as you would expect. Then Brittany throws a temper tantrum like a small child. TBP come out and make fun of the situation, saying "this is really hard to watch." I definitely agree with that.
Madison and TBP actually had some good back-and-forth here and it set up Madison asking for her return match next week.

MVP & PALS DECIDE TO MENACE EC III- if you are MVP, what does this get you? All you are doing is alienating a potential ally!

SINGLES MATCH WITH EC III AS SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE AND BOBBY LASHLEY AS SPECIAL ENFORCER: Eric Young vs. Bully Ray- DUD!
Kenny King was the guest ring announcer, and he announced Bully's weight as "762 lbs." MVP was the special guest timekeeper. Why did they need these roles in order to be at ringside?
This was a complete and total waste of time all just to set up a beatdown. If that was the point, why waste ten minutes with gaga? EC III got knocked out for something that was totally his own fault, for which he will likely blame MVP just to create idiotic tension between MVP and the Carters.
Samoa Joe returns and makes the save, meaning that the babyfaces now outnumber MVP's stable in this feud by a factor of 2:1.

Then we got another kayfabe-killing commercial with clips from next week's show. You're either live or you're not. PICK ONE.
Not a good show from TNA, but not as bad as usual, either,
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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