BRM Reviews the 3/20/2014 Impact (utter sh*t)

[Big Red Machine]

The shows opens with a tease of some “shocking footage” from a meeting between Dixie and Bully Ray at TNA headquarters earlier today.

ABYSS & EY BRAWL BACKSTAGE- 6.5/10
I really liked ODB getting involved here. Yeah, the babyfaces had a 2-on-1, but the heel in question is Abyss and it is much more in ODB’s character to get involved than to stand by and watch helplessly. What I don’t get is why she stopped helping and just decided to shout encouragement or call for security. It would have been best to not have her there at all.
This brawl spilled out to the ring and while it was a great brawl, it would have been better if they hadn’t done the same thing just last month. Also, with the way ODB was calling for security, why did no one try to break this brawl up. As Taz told us, this wasn’t a scheduled match… and Abyss appeared to pretty much CHOKE EY TO DEATH. Why did no one come out to help him? Especially ODB! If she was willing to help him when his life wasn’t immediately in jeopardy, where the hell was she when it was?!

ETHAN CARTER III vs. BOBBY LASHLEY- 2/10
A boring match. They get out of having to have EC III lose by having Willow assault him. Lashley did not seem to give a damn that Jeff Hardy just cost him a victory in his return to TNA. Willow set EC III up for the Pillmanizer off of a ladder, but EC III squirmed out of the way before Willow could jump… so Willow just decided not to go after him.

FOOTAGE OF BULLY COMPLAINING THAT DIXIE MADE HIM WAIT- made you wait? You betrayed her and cost her the company that she has put her money, blood, sweat, and tears into! You’re lucky she didn’t have you murdered by the mob!

JOE & MVP BACKSTAGE- horrible.
MVP says that Joe looks “upset.” Joe says that he is just “frustrated” and tells MVP that “If I were upset, I’d have came through that wall, not your door.” This immediately put the hilarious visual in my head of Joe punching a giant hole through the wall about two feet away from the open door and stepping through that instead.
Joe is apparently “frustrated” with MVP for what he let happen in the world title match at Lockdown.
1) What could MVP have done to prevent this? Especially considering that he didn’t have full control yet. The match was already in a f*cking cage.
2) Why was Joe not upset about this last week?
3) MVP has already done right by Joe by giving him a rematch this week. What more does Joe want?

Joe wants to know what MVP will do now that EY, who was supposed to be chained to Abyss during tonight’s title match, is on his way to the hospital. MVP says that he wants to make sure things are done “fairly.” If so, why did he give Joe a title match at Lockdown with stipulations tailored to favor him?
MVP promises to find someone else to be chained to Abyss. Joe is still pissy and tells MVP “every time you try to fix something, things only seem to get worse.” Joe seems to have forgotten MVP’s first night in the company, where MVP ensured that a match would be fair… and that match resulted in Joe earning the world title shot he is blaming MVP for failing to protect.

MAGNUS & EC III BACKSTAGE- the heels who hate each other are no longer working together. YAY! No more obnoxious segments with them arguing. Magnus says he milked Dixie for all he needed, but now all he needs is Abyss. I really don’t want to see EC III as a babyface, but they are making me like him. THIS IS SO WRONG. Props to EC III for still selling his knee.

GUNNER PROMO-
First Taz and Tenay talked about how Gunner served his country in Iraq. Then Gunner mentioned how proud he was to have served the US Marines and how proud he is of all of the veterans… and I just got fed up with it. At this point it is just exploitation for a cheap pop, and it is infuriating.
He mentions his family. Then goes over to his father, who is in the front row, and talks about his support and his mother’s support and his dead grandma’s support have helped him, etc. etc. He tells his father that he loves him. His father says “I love you, too, son,” and they hug and everyone cheers.
Then James Storm comes out and Tenay complains that Storm is interrupting a touching moment between father and son. Seems to me that the moment is already over.
James Storm shows up and insults them both by saying that he and Gunner are disappointments to the dead grandpa. Gunner attacks Storm, but Storm gets the best of him. He then handcuffs Gunner to the ropes and starts to beat up his father right in front of him, eventually hitting him in the back of the bead with a beer bottle.
Let me reiterate: JAMES STORM ASSAULTED A FAN, AND NO ONE CAME OUT TO STOP HIM. WHERE THE F*CK IS SECURITY TODAY? Are they all on vacation or something?!

Actually… that is exactly how TNA can make this up to me. I demand to see vignettes of the security guys all walking around Universal together, going on rides, getting ice cream bars shaped like cartoon character’s faces… and in the last one they realize that they have time for one more ride before they have to be at the Impact Zone, so they all go to ride the Ferris Wheel… and it breaks down, stranding every last member of the TNA security team. If this happens, I will vote for TNA for Promotion of the Year, no matter what anyone else does or doesn’t do.

GAIL KIM PROMO- she says that she is now angry at Tapa for costing her last week’s match and for costing her the Knockouts Title. Why was losing a random match the thing that pushed Gail over the edge instead of LOSING THE TITLE.
Gail says that if Tapa doesn’t beat her tonight, Tapa will be done in TNA. HOW? Tapa won a contract via Gut Check. How can Gail fire her?

ZEMA & BRO-MANS BACKSTAGE WITH SANADA & TIGRE UNO- hilarious, purely because of the look on Sanada’s face (which I’m sure was legit). It just said “what the f*ck is going on?”

Apparently there will be a three way tag title match tonight between Bro-Mans, the Wolves, and Sanada & Uno. Once the graphic came up I remembered them mentioning this last week, but it probably would have been a good idea to mention it at least once in the FIRST FIFTY MINUTES OF THIS SHOW.

GAIL KIM vs. LEI’D TAPA- 3/10
Gail beats Tapa totally clean. I didn’t see that coming. Christy didn’t mention Tapa’s career being on the line, and neither did the announcers- until the match was over and Taz mentioned it. How Gail could fire Tapa was still never explained, but with Gail beating her clean, I guess they’re just done with Tapa.

MVP MEETS WITH WILLOW IN THE RAFTERS- bad
They didn’t say it outright, but I assume he was trying to convince Jeff to be chained to Abyss tonight. The problem is that the way MVP phrased things made it sound a lot more like he was encouraging Willow to just assault Magnus. Both Willow’s lines and delivery seemed more like they belonged in community theater than a nationally televised wrestling show, while the whole concept of a rich man going into a dark secluded area to meet with a whackjob in a crazy outfit about finishing off his “hit list” seems like it belongs in a Batman cartoon.
And seriously… the person who thought that Jeff Hardy would draw more money delivering horrible dialogue in a shrill voice than he would as Jeff Hardy should be fired.
Anyway Willow says he’ll beat Magnus up on his schedule, not MVP’s.

VELVET & ANGELINA SEGMENT- SH*T (though not really their faults).
Velvet delivers horrible, clearly-scripted dialogue that also sh*ts all over kayfabe. Angelina does the same. If you want to know how bad this was, Angelina dismisses Velvet’s concerns that Angelina wanted Velvet to be subservient to her by saying “oh Velvet. That’s just wrestler talk.” I actually seriously considered shutting my TV off at this point, but my desire to see the Wolves, Uno, and Sanada kept me going.
Attention Person who wrote this segment: NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS IN REAL LIFE!
Angelina then calls out Madison Rayne, who shows up without her title. Angelina invites Madison to join them… and Madison cut a good promo which not only didn’t feel horribly scripted but which also ACTUALLY REMEMBERED HISTORY! Madison says she doesn’t want to be part of TBP with Angelina and Velvet because Angelina and Velvet treated her like sh*t, making her sit on the floor while they got to sit on gigantic thrones. Angelina said that was just Madison “paying her dues,” to which Madison responded that she is done paying her dues because she is the TNA Knockouts Champion! … which would have worked a lot better if she hadn’t forgotten to bring her belt out with her!
So Madison rejects their offer and the result of this was that the Beautiful People are back together, but without Madison. YAY! A stale gimmick!

MAGNUS PROMO- I don’t care. Joe walks up to him angrily. They have a confrontation which Al Snow quickly breaks up and tells them to wait until they get to the ring. This was a waste of time.

TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Bro-Mans(c) (w/Zema Ion) vs. Tigre Uno & Sanada vs. The Wolves- 6/10
Robbie instructed the foreigners to lay down for them (addressing them as “Tiger One and Huyndai Sonata,” which made me laugh), but he did so before the Wolves even came to the ring. Does he even realize that they are in the match?
The babyfaces refused and got the best of Bro-Mans in a quick exchange so Bro-Mans tried to leave, but the Wolves came out, blocking their exit.

VELVET & ANGELINA BACKSTAGE- okay
Angelina is sad that Madison doesn’t realize that she isn’t the same person she used to be when she was mean to her back in the TBP days. Velvet suggests that she go talk to Madison without an audience. This really should have been saved for next week.

ANGELINA & MADISON BACKSTAGE- Angelina wants Madison in the group and convinces her to at least think about it. Then she attacks her from behind and says shouts “THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ARE VELVET SKY AND ME!”
Well if you didn’t want her in the group, why the f*ck did you invite her to be in the group?!

JOE & MVP BACKSTAGE- good. MVP will be chained to Abyss tonight.


KNUX VIDEO PACKAGE- umm… okay. That was really random.
I know it’s mean, but when he said that his family operated a carnival, I laughed.

FOOTAGE OF BULLY RAY IN DIXIE’S OFFICE- stupid.
Bully rants to a chair that he thinks Dixie is in, but it was pretty clear that the chair was empty. He explains that he turned face because he didn’t want Dixie controlling him and that he wanted to go out as a hero. He says that no one likes Dixie and that he has always hated her (so I guess he was lying all of those times over the years when he would talk about how great she is). He goes to turn the chair around… and it is empty (which you could already tell. Dixie is decently tall for a woman. Her head would have been visible if she was in the chair.
Then Bobby Roode ambushes Bully Ray and beats him up. If this was the plan, why not just jump Bully backstage at Impact (you know… like you did last week)? This way you wouldn’t have to go Nashville and you wouldn’t have to trash Dixie’s office.

MAGNUS & ABYSS BACKSTAGE- Abyss says he has thumbtacks for Joe and MVP.

TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Magnus(c) vs. Samoa Joe- 4.25/10
MVP and Abyss were chained to each other at ringside. If you want to prevent Abyss from interfering, why would you allow him to be near ringside at all? Why not chain him to some heavy machinery in the boiler room?
So Joe makes his entrance, then they go to commercial… and when they come back from commercial, they decide to recap Storm vs. Gunner. They then announce that they have been signed for a match next week. Yeah. Now that they’ve already had a street fight in a steel cage, they should have a regular match.
We got a weak, stupid-looking ref bump while MVP, being an idiot, decided that he needed to unlock himself from the handcuffs in order to throw a f*cking bag. More overbooked stupidity that results in the babyface in charge of the company looking like a retard.

Apparently last week was an anomaly. This show is still sh*t, like it has been for years.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay- “We never would have expected a brawl like this to start Impact Wrestling.”
Do you even watch your own show, Mike? Or any wrestling at all?

2. Taz- “you know that, Mike, and so do the fans”
THEN WHO ARE YOU TELLING?!

3. Tenay “Isn’t it ironic that EC III, for the past month or so, has been referring to himself as an ‘American icon’”
Isn’t it obvious that Mike Tenay has no idea what the word “ironic” means?

4. Tenay has no problem with EC III hitting Lashley with a low blow.

5. “It’s almost like every week Willow gets a little bit more vicious and a little bit more violent.”
How can you possibly make that determination when IT’S ONLY HIS SECOND WEEK ON THE F*CKING SHOW and all he has done so far is hit EC III from behind and throw him into the steps.