Kirbs rambles about the 3/14/14 Smackdown

[kirbs2002]

Got me the last Stone IPA in the fridge and some greaseball Jack In The Box food. Let's do this. And hope I don't clog any arteries.

We start with a recap of Occupy Raw. Steph makes a good heel, a word rhyming with witch. This segment was great... Actually, when Steph was born, it was actually Shane's company after Vincent K, but Shane's doing god-knows-what. I wish Shane would come back sometimes...

Triple H promo -- B+

Good heat for Hunter, followed by Yes chants... Says he's happy for them in a very condescending undertone... And he's ending the Yes Movement... Now claims he's been protecting Daniel Bryan... Still sticking with Bryan being a B+ player... Says he's going to bury Daniel Bryan. That makes my rear itch... He's now going to a match. Sandow comes out... "I just told him to shut up." You know, I'm condescending (that means I talk down to you)... Sandow apologizes for participating in the Yes Movement.

Damian Sandow vs. Seth Rollins -- C-

Come back from commercial with the match already underway... JBL and Cole bantering about who "actually" set this match up... I like that reverse STO-like move into the turnbuckle... While Sandow jaws at Ambrose, Rollins takes advantage with a suicide dive outside the ring... Nothing particularly special here. Felt like a squash, really... Oh boy, now a 3-on-1 gang-up. And a triple powerbomb.

Kane vs. Big Show announced for (I presume) the main event. Big E will be in action next, so this probably means Real Americans will be out with him.

Big E vs. Fandango (Non-title match) -- C-

Wow, guess I was wrong. Some variety for a change... Fandango announces he's going to be in the battle royal. In a "seductive" tone that really just comes off as creepy... Big E looks like a pretty solid worker. I haven't seen much of him since getting back to wrestling. Just his segments with the Real Americans... And this one also felt like a squash. Ugh.

Bad News Barrett's got some bad news...He's also predicting Taker's fall... And that we'll be fired... Good god, that was funny. I don't know why. Maybe it's the insane troll logic

The Real Americans (w/ Zeb Coulter) vs. The Rhodes Brothers -- B-

I still really like Goldust's cinematic entrance... Cody goes for a splash but Cesaro catches and slams him into the apron, followed by a springboard double stomp... God I love a good airplane spin!... Swagger goes for the rebound splash, but he Cody gets the legs up for the block... Swagger tags himself in to the dislike of Cesaro... Cesaro returns the favor... Oh boy, arguments over incessant tagging... Swagger and Cesaro clear the ring... Oh boy, Cody cut himself around the nose... Here come the Usos to make the save...

Recap of the Cena's and the Wyatts' segment on Monday, in which Bray decries pride but calls himself a god...

Bray Wyatt vs. Kofi Kingston -- C+

Hard to think this guy was Husky Harris at one point... "[Cena's] like Hogan. He should have hung 'em up already." How long was it until Hogan actually called it quits? Has he even actually called it quits?... Cena's on a Mt. Rushmore of WWE? Now THAT'S a stretch... Good Ura-nage to counter... Good lord, Wyatt's a convincing psychopath... Alright match overall

Segment with Kane and The Shield... Big Show is 500 pounds? Give me a break. That goes beyond creative license... The Shield will be ringside for Kane and Show's match...

Niki Bella vs. Tamina Snuka -- C

Am I actually getting my hopes up for a divas match? Is something wrong with me?... AJ Lee on commentary. Please don't suck... This match is alright so far, the commentary not so much... AJ goes to start something but Brie gets her first with a splash, Tamina making the save... I like that Torture Rack backbreaker... Nothing spectacular. They'd better get some good matches out here. I don't want to have to fail this show.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Alberto Del Rio -- A

Wow, Lilian Garcia did Del Rio's announcement in Spanish. That was sweet. Shades of Ricardo Rodriguez... Del Rio announces that he's joining the battle royal... I like how Ziggler works... Del Rio's double stomp was sweet... Ziggler's neckbreaker reminds me a bit of Rick Rude... Wow! Awesome false finishes! I wanted the matches to step up and the sure as sh*t have!... Reverse superplex. Can't remember the last time I saw that. Or the time a normal superplex happened, for that matter... Now THAT was a good match!

Ziggler interview post-match... And he's joining the battle royal, as well... Another WWE Hall of Fame inductee announced next... It's Carlos Colon. A good selection. Actually, it's overdue... A hawking of the WWE Network is interrupted by a Wyatt family promo... Good promo. Cena rebuttal coming up on Monday.

Kane vs. The Big Show -- B+

I like how Kane as gone back to "Inferno" as his entrance theme. Now if he could go back to his original attire... Garcia announces Show as 425 lb. That I can kind of see... The Shield is not at ringside yet... And here they come... So far just the standard face in trouble scenario... Blatant choke, shouldn't the ref count that?... Chokeslam off the top. Sweet!... Kane calling for interference by the Shield... And they're not having any of it... There we go! That's the Big Show finisher I like!... Alright match. A bit disappointing for the main event, really.

Kane goes to chokeslam Rollins, but Reigns makes the save with a spear. And that closes it out.

Overall, the in-ring action wasn't that exciting aside from the last two matches. But it earns a passing grade overall.