BRM Reviews the 3/17/2014 Raw

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT-
Hunter comes out and says he will have a face-to-face conversation with Dragon later. Then Dave and Randy both come out and say that they are angry that Hunter has created the possibility of their match at Mania being a triple threat match. Hunter is furious that they both think there is a chance in hell that Dragon can beat him.
Orton asks to be put in a No DQs match with Dragon tonight so that he can do what Dave failed to do last week and take Dragon out. Orton says that the real reason the people are behind Dragon is because they don’t believe in Dave. NO one cared when Dave left and they cared even left when he came back. Dave says that Orton sucks as champion and that he can’t win a match without Hunter’s help. They get into a shoving match and Hunter goes nuts on them, saying that he is sick of Orton needing his help and sick of movie stars coming back and telling him what is best for business. He says that there will be a Triple Threat match at Mania. He says that he will beat Bryan at Mania and then the main event will be Orton vs. Batista vs. Triple H!
This was a FANTASTIC move on WWE’s part. They are all too aware of the perception of Hunter as “Shovel H,” and some of the most dramatic moments of the past few years have revolved around Hunter’s perceived ego. Would he really book himself to break The Streak? Our first instinct is to say no… but there is always that bit of doubt in your mind. The same thing applies here (especially the way he outright said “at Wrestlemania I will bury Daniel Bryan.” They have turned the Hunter vs. Dragon match from a foregone conclusion into a nail-biter.
Oh. And Hunter stormed off, which Orton took advantage of to hit Dave with an RKO.

RENEE YOUNG TRIES TO INTERVIEW BATISTA- he grabs his bag and walks out of the arena, telling Renee that “coming back here was a big mistake.” The crowd cheered as Dave left.

THE USOS vs. THE REAL AMERICANS (w/Zeb Coulter)- 6.25/10
Real Americans win pretty cleanly. I assume this will lead to a tag title match, which will be when they finally blow up.

WWE SLAM CITY CARTOON COMMERCIAL- this looks atrocious. I did pop for Kane’s pyro cue turning on a bunch of stoves, like in the commercial for the original Smackdown video game.

Then we got my favorite moment of the show. As the announcers are lauding some WWE initiative or another, there is a little girl in a green shirt holding up a pink sign with black letters on it that reads “this is my birthday present.” At this point in the show, the little girl realized that she has been holding her sign upside-down all show, and the look of disappointment on her face just caused me to burst out laughing. I’m a terrible person. I know.

KANE & THE SHIELD BACKSTAGE- good.
Apparently the Authority has given them a mission tonight, but after the events of Smackdown , Kane doesn’t know if he can count on them… and if he can’t count on them, that means the Authority can’t count on them, and that would be unfortunate for them.

WHAT THE F*CK HAPPENED TO HORNSWOGGLE’S HAIR?!

BAD NEWS BARRETT SEGMENT- you know what… Wade has a point (sorry; non-Irish people using St. Patrick’s Day as an excuse to drink really annoys me).

SHEAMUS vs. TITUS O’NEIL- 2/10
The Irish guy vs. the black guy with an Irish last name. Happy St. Patrick’s Day from your friends at WWE!
The whole Hornswoggle thing ruined the match. Yes, Titus came off like a bully, but in his defense: did you see the way Hornswoggle was slinking over towards him when Sheamus tossed him out of the ring? That is heel manager 101 right there! And why the f*ck did the referee randomly start looking at a corner of the ring far away from the action? That just made everything so hokey. It was like he was purposely looking away so that he wouldn't see the interference.
Christian was on commentary. We also learned that Christian, Titus, and Sandow will be in the Andre the Giant Battle Royale.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS SHEAMUS- they are really overdoing these in-ring interviews all of a sudden. Sheamus wished everyone a happy St. Patrick's Day, called Titus "Tight-arse O'Neil," then declared his entrance into the Andre the Giant Battle Royale. Then Christian attacked him and gave him a kill-switch on the floor.

HYPE FOR NEXT WEEK- Arnold Schwarzenneger and Alcide from True Blood will be on Raw next week. Even more awesome, though SCOOBY DOO WILL BE ON RAW NEXT WEEK!

JOHN CENA PROMO- he says he is afraid of Bray because rather than prove who is the best, all Bray wants to do is destroy Cena's legacy. This was kind of weird. I could definitely get behind the words Cena was saying, but the beginning of the promo was just moire ego-centric than Cena normally is. It's as if he totally ignored everything Bray has said aimed at Hogan.

BRAY WYATT PROMO- F*CKING AWESOME

NO DISQUALIFICATION MATCH: Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan- 7/10
Dragon swung that Kendo Stick like a BEAST. Orton worked over Dragon's mid-section. Batista returned like w all knew he would and got revenge on Orton. Dragon then knocked Dave out of the ring and pinned Randy, getting over the danger sof a Triple Threat match to the champion's reign. Dave then gave Orton a Batista Bomb after the match.

PAUL HEYMAN PROMO- that video package was awesome.

HUNTER & STEPH BACKSTAGE- Steph is unhappy that Hunter might win the WWE Title and be on the road. "And then what happens to our family?!" she asks. Umm... aren't both Hunter and Steph already on the road every week?

[Big Red Machine]

Whoops. meant to to hit save draft.

[cero2k]

Whoops. meant to to hit save draft.

so it's not finished, right? cuz you're missing some matches

[Big Red Machine]

Whoops. meant to to hit save draft.

so it's not finished, right? cuz you're missing some matches

No. Not finished. Yet. I aqm currently watching Bray vs. Kofi

[Big Red Machine]

GOLDUST (w/Cody Rhodes) vs. FANDANGO (w/Summer Rae)- 3.75/10
Why Summer Rae is awesome: Exhibit #6,392
Also, Goldust was fun.


KANE, SHIELD, & LAWLER SEGMENT- SH*T!
JBL's accusations of Lawler's complicity in Occupy Raw might be correct after all! The Shield force Lawler to come into the ring,but then they turn on Kane. More crap for a pointless feud, which winds up with the heel valiantly fighting on his own against three men who betrayed him. This was just a HUGE missed opportunity. Have Lawler cut an impassioned promo against the Authority and talka bout how Dragon has earned everything and how he is the future, then have Kane kicks Lawler's ass. Have Dragon try to make the save but get a beating from the Shield. Get some HEAT.

SHAMELESS PLUG FOR TOTAL DIVAS: The Funkadactyls vs. AJ Lee & Tamina- 2/10
The Bellas were on commentary and plugged Total Divas. Naomi is back in action. I would much rather she be wearing one of those big face-protector masks like Taker wore when he injured is orbital bone rather than a goofy eye patch. She still got some big pops, though. AJ once again gets buried by going down way too quickly, and Lawler attributing her success all to Tamina didn't help.

POST-MATCH STUFF- crap.
AJ yells at Tamina so Tamina shoves her. Yeah. They decided to rip off IMPACT of all things by pointlessly rushing a break-up between the heel champ and her big enforcer form the Pacific islands. Because ripping TNA off is definitely a receipt for success.

MR. T WILL BE INDUCTED INTO THE HALL OF FAME- definitely a deserving celebrity inductee.

Did we really need a replay of Hogan announcing the Andre the Giant Battle Royale? They've been talking about the f*cking thing all night already.

TAG MATCH BETWEEN A BUNCH OF GUYS IN THE ANDRE BATTLE ROYALE: Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry, & Big E. Langston vs. Damien Sandow, Ryback, Curtis Axel, & Alberto Del Rio- 4.5/10

BATISTA PROMO- good

BRAY WYATT (w/the Wyatt Family) vs. KOFI KINGSTON- 4/10
Could they really not have found another opponent for Bray? Did they really have to book him against the same guy he beat a few days ago on Smackdown?

CLOSING SEGMENT- GREAT!
Hunter puts Dragon over for earning his respect. Steph is unhappy with this, saying that Dragon endangered the lives of fans and the Authority, so she is formally pressing charges. She brings out some cops (and in a nice nod to the laws of our great country, these appeared to be federal agents because they had US flags on their shirts, rather than local county patches- compare this to the startlingly ridiculous knowledge of our legal system that TNA seems to have) and they arrested Dragon. Hunter and Steph yell at each other. hunter reveals that this was all a set-up to get Dragon in handcuffs so Hunter could beat him up.
Dragon got in some hope spots, but he got an ass-kicking form Hunter and some slaps from Steph.

Overall, a decent Raw.

[Bob-O]

THE USOS vs. THE REAL AMERICANS (w/Zeb Coulter)- 6.25/10
Real Americans win pretty cleanly. I assume this will lead to a tag title match, which will be when they finally blow up.

Blow up or win the titles. I wouldn't be opposed to them adding the Championship to their rocky relationship.

SHEAMUS vs. TITUS O’NEIL- 2/10
The Irish guy vs. the black guy with an Irish last name.

Never picked up on that. The orange goatee made me a little uncomfortable.

JOHN CENA PROMO- he says he is afraid of Bray because rather than prove who is the best, all Bray wants to do is destroy Cena's legacy. This was kind of weird. I could definitely get behind the words Cena was saying, but the beginning of the promo was just moire ego-centric than Cena normally is. It's as if he totally ignored everything Bray has said aimed at Hogan.

BRAY WYATT PROMO- F*CKING AWESOME

The Cena/Wyatt thing has been entertaining, but frustrating at the same time. They've setup a story here that they have ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION of resolving in a satisfying way. Bray wants to "expose" Cena, he wants to "expose" the heroes as evil, that's awesome! How? Wearing Cena's merchandise was a nice touch, but how do they plan on following up on this? If Bray wins, Cena's evil? If Cena wins "everything he's fought for was true all along"?

They went down a VERY similar road with Punk and didn't know where to go with it then, and they haven't done ANYTHING in the last 5 years to show me that they're up for the kind of writing this angle will take to finish up in the way they're going for.

KANE, SHIELD, & LAWLER SEGMENT- SH*T!
JBL's accusations of Lawler's complicity in Occupy Raw might be correct after all! The Shield force Lawler to come into the ring,but then they turn on Kane. More crap for a pointless feud, which winds up with the heel valiantly fighting on his own against three men who betrayed him. This was just a HUGE missed opportunity. Have Lawler cut an impassioned promo against the Authority and talka bout how Dragon has earned everything and how he is the future, then have Kane kicks Lawler's ass. Have Dragon try to make the save but get a beating from the Shield. Get some HEAT.

Dig a little deeper, and I think you'll see the worth to this segment. Since The Shield turned on Kane (not that they were ever 'with' Kane to begin with), stemming from the backstage segment earlier it's safe to say there will be repercussions. It's not like he can send anyone out to beat them down or humiliate them. They're putting a lot of emphisis on how The Shield is back on the same page, so they're essentially back to being unstoppable as a unit. I'm thinking Kane, in an effort to eliminate the "liability", makes Reigns vs Rollins vs Ambrose for Wrestlemania. It would explain why they put the breaks on their breakup.

BRAY WYATT (w/the Wyatt Family) vs. KOFI KINGSTON- 4/10
Could they really not have found another opponent for Bray? Did they really have to book him against the same guy he beat a few days ago on Smackdown?

Of course they did! THAT'S what Smackdown is! Practice for Raw!

[Big Red Machine]

Dig a little deeper, and I think you'll see the worth to this segment. Since The Shield turned on Kane (not that they were ever 'with' Kane to begin with), stemming from the backstage segment earlier it's safe to say there will be repercussions. It's not like he can send anyone out to beat them down or humiliate them. They're putting a lot of emphisis on how The Shield is back on the same page, so they're essentially back to being unstoppable as a unit. I'm thinking Kane, in an effort to eliminate the "liability", makes Reigns vs Rollins vs Ambrose for Wrestlemania. It would explain why they put the breaks on their breakup.

Hm... That actually makes the most sense.

[cero2k]

Dig a little deeper, and I think you'll see the worth to this segment. Since The Shield turned on Kane (not that they were ever 'with' Kane to begin with), stemming from the backstage segment earlier it's safe to say there will be repercussions. It's not like he can send anyone out to beat them down or humiliate them. They're putting a lot of emphisis on how The Shield is back on the same page, so they're essentially back to being unstoppable as a unit. I'm thinking Kane, in an effort to eliminate the "liability", makes Reigns vs Rollins vs Ambrose for Wrestlemania. It would explain why they put the breaks on their breakup.

Hm... That actually makes the most sense.

or they extend the team together and Kane brings in someone who could take them out. queue in The Ascension.

but i like your idea better, because the break up wouldn't be based on hate, just pure competition for the title