BRM Reviews the 12/23/2013 Raw (Christmas)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING VIDEO- I chuckled. Sandow declaring that “December 25th would be better spent in school” was awesome.

OEPNING SEGMENT- BIZARO WORLD!
Kane is handing out Christmas candy to fans at ringside. THIS IS SO WRONG! Hunter & Steph wish everyone a merry Christmas. Orton comes out and does the same. He says he is giving himself to the Authority tonight as a present. So… are they going to have threesome?
He says he has the night off... and apparently he does. Then Kane recites some Christmas-themed poetry and does his pyro cue… and that cued the start of some Christmas music. This is the weirdest thing I have ever seen.

Shouldn’t they be starting off with the Sandow vs. Henry match? We can’t do the Christmas-themed matches and play Christmas music if Christmas is cancelled, so we first need to find out of Christmas is cancelled or not.

“JINGLE BELLES” 12 WOMAN TAG TEAM MATCH: Team Total Divas (The Bellas, Natalya, the Funkadactyls, & Eva Marie) vs. Tamina, Aksana, Alicia Fox, Summer Rae, Kaitlyn, & Vickie Guerrero- DUD!
Yeah. VICKIE is wrestling while AJ does commentary. AJ says she isn’t wrestling so the Divas can maybe show her who deserves to be the #1 contender. Because winning a twelve person tag team match is a great way to prove that.
The Funkadactyls did stereo versions of Christy Hemme’s Firecrotch Guillotine, which means that they have officially hit the move more times than Christy actually did.
This was exactly what you would expect it to be: They make quick tags and do some basic moves. Then a schmoz breaks out. The Total Divas wound up doing what I can only describe as an extremely sh*tty version of something you would see in CHIKARA. It wound up with them all linking arms in a line in the middle of the ring… and they didn’t even do the f*cking Rockettes kicks! And speaking of not doing kicks, there were exactly zero Tamina superkicks in this match, which made me very angry.
Nattie pins Aksana. They gave us a bad match we have seen nine thousand times already in the past few months. Nothing of any importance happens. The status quo does not change. All they did was waste my time.

SIN CARA vs. CURTIS AXEL- 4.5/10
We saw a pre-taped promo from Sin Cara in which he actually spoke English. This match got a lot more time than I expected it to. Axel actually got the chance to get some decent heat, working over Cara’s back.

BAD SANTA SEGMENT- AJ and Tamina are the bad elves. I think this might have been the same segment from last week’s show, but with creepy, lame sound-effects. AJ put a towel down on Sandow’s lap before letting the kid sit, saying “we wouldn’t want any accidents.” That was awesome.

COMMERCIAL FOR NEXT WEEK’S SHOW- we get Big Show wearing nothing but a hat and a diaper as the new year’s baby. He blew a noise maker. That was all I got through before deciding to fast forward through it.

BATISTA VIDEO PACKAGE- awesome

BAD NEWS BARRETT SEGMENT- now they are wasting money going out and taping Wade doing this on the streets. Huh. They didn’t actually do anything with this. He was just asking for donations.

THE WYATT FAMILY vs. CODY RHODES, GOLDUST, & DANIEL BRYAN- 7/10
Goldust plays babyface in peril, then creates space to make the hot tag BY HITTING A CODE RED ON LUKE HARPER! Dragon got some offense in on Bray but got cut off and also wound up being a babyface in peril until he made a tag to Cody. I was extremely surprised that they gave these guys over twenty miutes.
The heels beat everyone down after the match, focusing mainly on Dragon. Bray tries to recruit Dragon again. Then they pointlessly had the Wyatt’s teleport out of the ring and to the area by Bray’s chair.

GOOD SANTA SEGMENT- more hype for the Santas' match.

CHRISTMAS CAROL SINGING CONTEST: Xavier Woods & R-Truth (w/the Funkadactyls) vs. Jinder Mahal & Drew McIntyre vs. Santino Marella & The Great Khali- DUD!
Does anyone really find Khali’s failure to sing or speak English funny? (apparently yes, according to a Tweet they showed later. This person should be flogged) I really feel like the entire purpose of this segment was for people to laugh at Khali for not being able to speak English and not knowing the words to the Christmas Carols. Not only is it unfunny, but it is borderline racist.
This whole thing was stupid. The only thing I enjoyed was Drew saying that Truth and Woods were “terrible.” The Funkadactyls came out dressed in sexy Santa outfits just to stand there look pretty while Truth and Woods sang because women are objects.
Santino and Khali won. Drew & Jinder jumped them from behind. Truth and Woods made the save, then more singing happened.

CHRISTMAS PRESENT ON A POLE MATCH: Dolph Ziggler vs. Fandango (w/Dolph Ziggler)- 4.5/10
Apparently the present in question is an Intercontinental Title match. This match was pretty much perfect for what it was and the time it was given.
JBL suggested that perhaps Fandango and Summer Rae could do some “pole dancing.”

PTP PROMO- Darren wants to talk but Titus won’t let him. Titus finally lets him talk, and he immediately gets the name of the city wrong. Darren looked hilariously distraught at his mistake. Titus says that they want a win tonight and a WWE Tag Team Title match in the future.

THE USOS vs. THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS- 4/10
As soon as Darren tagged in, the crowd hounded him with chants of “THIS IS AUSTIN!”

THE FATE OF CHRISTMAS IS AT STAKE: Damien Sandow vs. Mark Henry- no rating. Should have been better.
There were a bunch of Christmas presents in and around the ring that could apparently be used as weapons. One of them was a toilet, and Henry gave Sandow a swirlie. Apparently Sandow also isn’t smart enough to know that you need to pull the pin out before using a fire-extinguisher. That was dumb. This is DAMIEN SANDOW here!
Sandow knocked over a Christmas tree and some presents to get heel heat. That was awesome. Then he failed at using the fire extinguisher a second time. That was not awesome.
This was just Sandow getting humiliated. If they were going to do that, just make it a squash. If you are going to give it some time, let Sandow get some damn heat so that Mark, the Good Santa, doesn’t look like a bully.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS CM PUNK- Apparently The Shield is trying to ruin Christmas. Punk cut most of this promo and introduced both Big E. and Cena. Big E. said he was “giving out beatings” this holiday season. Then Cena cut a real promo.

THE REAL AMERICANS (w/Zeb Coutler) vs. Los Matadores (w/El Torito)- 2.25/10
Zeb claims that Santa is an illegal immigrant… but Santa goes back to the North Pole, where he lives, so that doesn’t make any sense. El Torito’s costume is white and has Christmas lights on his tail and antlers. The babyfaces cheated too much for my liking here, using both the twin switch and with Tortio goring Cesaro.

KOFI KINGSTON vs. RYBACK- 4.5/10

BAD NEWS BARRETT- yeah. Apparently Wade tricked the people of Austin into giving him thousands of dollars because they were too stupid to ask him what the “good cause” he was collecting money for was.

SHIELD PROMO- great

THE SHIELD vs. CM PUNK, JOHN CENA, & BIG E. LANGSTON- 6/10
The same stupid finish as Smackdown with the Shield getting DQed for having too many guys in the ring. If you didn’t want to have any of the guys lose, DON’T BOOK THE MATCH!
The Shield go for the powerbomb on Langston after the match but Punk and Cena save him, then the babyfaces all hit the Shield with their finishers. This finish helped no one.

A dull episode of Raw.