BRM Reviews the 7/25/2013 Impact (these people are morons)

[Big Red Machine]

JB IS REPLACING TAZ AGAIN! YAY!

Well, the never-demonstrated or explained power that comes with the TNA World Heavyweight Title is now in the hands of TNA. Hooray, I guess.
OEPNING SEGMENT-
Sting claims that seeing Sabin beat Bully last week was the best night he has ever had in pro wrestling. Does anyone really believe that this is even close to true? If not, then why even say it?
Anyway, they say that they are out here to celebrate Sabin’s victory… but the only people out here are Sabin and the MEM. Shouldn’t Hogan and Dixie be out here to celebrate the guy who saved them from the Aces & Eights? Or maybe some of Sabin’s X-Division buddies? How about balloons or confetti or something?
Sabin cuts a promo challenging the winner of tonight’s X-Division Title match to a champion vs. champion match next week.
Then Bully comes out and brings out a lawyer who looked and sounded like he was supposed to be a third-rate, miniature Kevin Nash, and threatens to sue TNA because Sabin won the World Heavyweight Title. Normally I would enjoy a heel doing something like this, but this was just so horribly corny, and it was just another layer of horribly corny crap on top of all of the other layers of horribly corny crap in this stupid storyline. And to make things worse, this lawyer sounded like he was trying to cut a promo on TNA, saying things like “I will crush Impact Wrestling” and “Don’t make me rock your world.” WHAT THE F*CK?!

An interviewer asks Hogan if TNA has any comment on this latest lawsuit. Hulk says that he won’t comment on pending lawsuits. Fine… but does anyone really think this lawsuit will have any kayfabe chance of winning.

MANIK VIDEO PACKAGE- TJ says that his entire family was homeless just because he wanted to be a wrestler. This kind of made him sound like selfish jerk. He also said that Manik was a “symbol that he could live by.” HUH?!

ULTIMATE X MATCH TO CROWN A NEW TNA DIVISION CHAMPION: Greg Marasciulo vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Manik- 6.75/10
So they spent THREE MATCHES on last week’s show to build up to this match… and now it’s the opener tonight. Anyway, the match was very good, but I hated the finish. Based on everything that has happened the alst few weeks and the video package we just got, Manik is supposed to be the big babyface here… and TNA thinks it is a good idea to have him sneak in and get the win while the other two guys in the middle of doing dangerous, crowd, pleasing spots?
Oh, and only have a video package for one guy? Great job giving away the finish there, TNA.

BULLY & ANDERSON BACKSTAGE- dull

BOUND FOR GLORY SERIES MATCH: Hernandez vs. Mr. Anderson- 4/10
I liked the finish, but the rest of the match was dull.

EY & JOSEPH PARK BACKSTAGE- EY shows Joseph a video of him Abyssing out and Joseph says he has no recollection of it at all. Progress in this angle! FANTASTIC!

VELVET SKY PROMO- horribly scripted and… this almost didn’t sound like Velvet. It was weird. She sounded a lot more southern than Velvet normally sounds. Velvet says she will watch from ringside, so unfortunately it seems like she will get involved in the finish.

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Mickie James(c) vs. Gail Kim- 4.25/10
I was pretty disappointed in this one. I also hated the finish. Can’t a heel even beat another heel clean? And if ODB wrestles a match, who will ref it?

DIXIE & HOGAN BACKSTAGE- OH MY GOD THESE TWO ARE RETARDED! Anyone with a f*cking brain will know that Aces & Eights has NO CASE WHATSOEVER! Let’s look at how this would go in a courtroom:
JUDGE: Mr. Ray, you are suing TNA Wrestling LLC because you were injured when Mr. Sabin hit you in the head with a hammer during the course of a professional wrestling match. Is this correct?
BULLY: Yes, Your Honor.
COUNCIL FOR THE DEFENSE: Mr. Ray, is it true that you yourself and others acting on your behalf have used this same hammer to injure to injure multiple employees of TNA Wrestling LLC both during the course of and outside of professional wrestling matches?
BULLY: Yes, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Then why, exactly, do you think that you have a case?

BOUND FOR GLORY SERIES MATCH: Christopher Daniels vs. Samoa Joe- 4/10
VERY disappointing. A very short match, but at least they had it take two finishers to put badass Joe down.

KURT & STING BACKSTAGE- Sting is the only intelligent person in TNA.

#BFGSERIES FAN VOTE- wow. “Hey, fans! Do our jobs for us.” LAZIEST BOOKERS EVER!

BOUND FOR GLORY SERIES MATCH: AJ Styles vs. Jeff Hardy- 7/10
AJ snubs Jeff’s handshake. Tenay and JB’s commentary seems to hint that they are ready to move forward with AJ’s storyline, which has been stalled since Slammiversary.

CLOSING SEGMENT- UTTER SH*T!
So the big bad Biker tough-guy heel is being a chicken-sh*t. Yeah… after crap like this, a tough heel stops feeling like a real threat. A chicken-sh*t heel can do this sort of stuff and go back to being a chicken-sh*t, but a tough guy can’t do this and then go back to being a tough guy.
Then Sabin comes out and aside from starting off by calling Bully “a big fat crybaby,” his promo was awesome. Then Hogan comes out and says he and his lawyers have been looking at Bully’s lawsuit “all day long.” Umm... Hulk? You only found out about it two hours ago!
Hogan then proceeds to rip the law suit up and Bully starts to scream as if Hulk ripping up this one paper copy of the lawsuit makes it impossible for Bully’s moronic plan of suing TNA to work. Hogan then says that Sabin will defend the belt against Bully on August fifteenth at Hardcore Justice (apparently we’re getting another Hardcore Justice this year) in a steel cage. He then says this at least twice more by just talking in circles.
I hated this SO F*CKING MUCH! The heel comes up with an idiotic plan and the reason that his idiotic plan doesn’t work is not because someone points out how idiotic it is and that even a middle-school student could point out the flaws in it, but rather because Hulk Hogan is “the law around here, brother!” and he is so awesome that only he can save us!
The person who came up with this angle should have fired on the spot the minute they brought it up in a booking meeting. It makes your top heel look like an idiot for thinking this would ever work, and makes everyone else in the company, including the GM, the owner, the World Heavyweight Champion, the announcers, and everyone else involved look like complete and total morons for believing that it would work!

To make matters worse, this all felt like a waste of time the whole night because everyone knew that TNA wasn’t going to switch the belt like this. Even in TNA, which has a track record for idiocy several miles long, no one watching this thought they would actually do it!

Another sh*tty episode of Impact that just proves that it doesn’t matter who the head of creative is; TNA will always be run by morons.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay referred to a superkick from Sonjay as a “superkick-like move.”
That’s getting close to Mike Adamle territory there.