BRM Reviews the 3/7/2013 Impact (very bad)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 3/7/2013 Impact (very bad)

Post by Big Red Machine » Mar 8th, '13, 07:36

KURT ANGLE TALKS WITH THE CAMERA GUY- Do you hear that faint thunking sound? That’s the sound of me banging my head against a wall.
Kurt says that he hasn’t told anyone who the VP of Aces & Eights is yet. He then tells the camera guy that he will reveal this guy’s identity tonight in front of the whole world because “this is a TNA problem” and “nobody in this company is safe.” If so WHY THE HELL HAVEN’T YOU TOLD ANYONE WHO IT IS YET?!
The VP is later revealed to be D'Lo Brown, a vice president of TNA. D'Lo knows that he has been exposed! Who knows what havoc he has caused within TNA in the past week? Embezzling, hiring Aces & Eights cronies to key positions, etc.

AUSTIN ARIES vs. JEFF HARDY- 6.75/10
Going great until it was randomly ruined by Matt Morgan.

STING GIVES TEAM TNA A PREP TALK- crappy. It would have been much better if the things he said felt in any way relevant to the various wrestlers he was talking to and their characters or stories.

MATT MORGAN PROMO- okay

WES BRISCO PROMO- wow. This was horrendous. They need to have Kurt just destroy Wes at Lockdown and then send him down to OVW to work on his promos.

KURT & WES BRAWL AND D’LO IS REVEALED AS THE VP- if you ignore the previously mentioned atrocious logic of the entire situation, this was executed very well.

BEST OF THREE SERIES TO DETERMINE WHO GETS THE MAN ADVANTAGE AT LETHAL LOCKDOWN: Sting vs. Devon- 1/10
They throw a lot of punches. That’s it.

GAIL & VELVET BACKSTAGE- DUD! Just because I absolutely don’t buy that Gail Kim wouldn't physically respond to a slap.

DANNY DAVIS WILL REPLACE TAZ AS A GUT CHECK JUDGE- good.

GUT CHECK CONTRACT SEGMENT- a DUD on general principles! Ivelisse wins the f*cking match, then they spent the whole time talking about how great she is and about how they don’t think Lei’D Tapa is ready… then they give Tapa a chance to win the contract instead of Ivelisse? Are you f*cking kidding me?

HERNADEZ, CHAVO GUERRERO JR. & VELVET SKY vs. GAIL KIM, CHRISTOPHER DANIELS, & KAZARIAN- 6/10

BEST OF THREE SERIES TO DETERMINE WHO GETS THE MAN ADVANTAGE AT LETHAL LOCKDOWN: Samoa Joe & Magnus vs. Garrett Bischoff & Doc- 4/10

KENNY KING PROMO- great

STING & EY (& JAMES STORM) BACKSTAGE- EY’s promo was f*cking awesome! This is why I think EY is underutilized.

DOES LEI’D TAPA GET A CONTRACT- DUD! She says that last week, she showed her character. WHAT CHARACTER? All she has going for her is that she is the Barbarian’s niece! Prichard then says that she looks “very natural in the ring” and that she “looks like she owns it.” Are you kidding me? She looks like a freakin’ deer in the headlights! Anyway, after saying how great she is, Prichard votes no. WHAT THE F*CK? Then Al Snow decides to give her a contract because of the reaction she is getting from the crowd, which has been constantly chanting “NO!” the whole time, during this segment about whether or not TNA should hire her. This isn’t the crowd booing a heel. This is go-away heat! How much more explicit does the crowd have to be? Do they have to actually chant “DO NOT SIGN HER!”

ROBBIE E. PROMO- good

BEST OF THREE SERIES TO DETERMINE WHO GETS THE MAN ADVANTAGE AT LETHAL LOCKDOWN: James Storm vs. Mr. Anderson- DUD!
This went less than five minutes!

JEFF HARDY & BULLY RAY SEGMENT- so they gave us a f*cking five minute main event so the babyfaces could come out and say how “proud” they are of each other? Couldn’t they have done this earlier in the show instead of repeating the same video package from last week? The Hulk Hogan comes out just so he could say (paraphrasing) “it’s gonna be a great match, brother!” Then Aces & Eights come out and start to attack Jeff and Bully but the guys from Team TNA come out and we end the show with a schmoz between the Aces & Eights and the guys they backed down from less than ten minutes ago! Why not just do the schmoz during/after the main event? If Jeff & Bully's presences were so important, why not have them run down during the schmoz to help the other babyfaces?

Overall, this weeks' Impact was bad, especially as a go-home show. Most of the matches were only mentioned in passing, and only the Kurt vs. Brisco, the Knockouts Title, the World Title, and Lethal Lockdown got any real build (sure Chavo & Hernandez wrestled Kaz and Daniels, but it really didn't do anything to hype up the tag title match). One other match (Clash of the Robbies) was only hyped up via one promo. The rest of the card will apparently be Joseph Park vs. Joey Ryan (I don't think Joey has been on TV in about two months) and Zema Ion vs. Christian York vs. Kenny King, which is probably something they should have had Kenny mention in his promo. You might remember that a few months ago I wrote a lengthy article on why I thought that the new PPV system wouldn't help TNA. You are free to read it if you want (here is the link: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=10462) but I warn you that it is very long, so I will say that the general gist of it was that TNA's major failings are creative and that the reason that no one buys their PPVs is that creative does not book interesting, exciting, competent angles and title matches that make you want to buy PPVs. Unfortunately, I think that the build to Lockdown has proven me right. No one really cares about most of the matches at Lockdown. I think that the main reason that people are interested in this show is much-theorized Bully Ray heel turn. In other words, the main reason that people want to buy this show is to see if TNA actually pulls the trigger on something that TNA thinks is going to be a big surprise to its fanbase. Seems a lot like failure to hype a PPV to me.

As for this show in isolation... it stunk. There were two good matches on here, but just so much other crap, including the matches with the guys in the big Lethal Lockdown cage match all lasting less than five minutes each and all ending 99% cleanly. I don't know about you, but that doesn't make me wonder "what will these guys do to each other at Lethal Lockdown?" It makes me wonder "how the hell will these chumps last ten minutes in Lethal Lockdown?" The show had so many of the things that TNA does that just utterly piss me off. Stories that make no sense, poor booking, a five minute main event... TNA really needs to shape up.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay “Ever since they have arrived on the scene, it’s really what they have done here in TNA; using that numbers game to their advantage”- Do you even watch the damn show, Tenay? They regularly run away when they have their opponents outnumbered by more than 2 to 1!
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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cero2k
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Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2013 Impact (very bad)

Post by cero2k » Mar 10th, '13, 01:39

Big Red Machine wrote: One other match (Clash of the Robbies) was only hyped up via one promo. The rest of the card will apparently be Joseph Park vs. Joey Ryan (I don't think Joey has been on TV in about two months)
there's a whole build up to this match, i'm surprised it's not a last man standing match by now
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