BRM Reviews the 1/10/2013 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- Sting’s promo was annoying, Joe was great. Kurt then calls out Anderson. Anderson is unhappy because nobody was able to save him when Aces & Eights jumped him a few weeks before Bound For Glory. If everyone in TNA who had thisw problem decided to whine about it, there would be no one left to fight Aces & Eights! This whole thing made Anderson look whiny. Anderson antagonizes Kurt, so Kurt slugs him. I honestly don’t give a damn whether or not Anderson joins Aces & Eights.

JAY BRADLEY PROMO- decent

X-DIVISION TITLE SHOT TOURNAMENT MATCH: Zema Ion vs. Kenny King- 4.25/10… and this is the rating I am giving a match that went barely over three minutes! These guys went out there said “let’s make TNA management sorry that they only decided to give us three and a half minutes. There wasn’t a single second of this match that wasn’t awesome.

During this match the announcers put over TNA for being so innovative by having “FOUR MAJOR PAY-PER-VIEWS IN 2013!”
WOW! Not one, not two, not three, but FOUR major PPVs in one whole year! GEE GOLLY! Now I guess I know how people felt when the WWF and WCW both did this BACK IN 1989! TNA, you f*cking idiots… YOU HAVE HAD FOUR MAJOR PPVS A YEAR FOR YEARS!

ROBBIE E TRIES TO RECRUIT TESSMACHER- the Rob Terry kinda-sorta face turn continues via Tessmacher deciding that she wants to team with him rather than Robbie E.

JOSEPH PARK PROMO- love it… but did Joseph Park really just finish wrestling school in less than two months?

JESSIE GODDERZ & TARA vs. ROB TERRY & MISS TESSMACHER (w/Robbie E.)- no rating, good segment. This made Jessie look like a jobber, but I’m fine with that. This was mostly an excuse to get to the aftermath, which was amusing.

BRIAN CAGE PROMO- good

BRIAN CAGE vs. JAY BRADLEY- 3.5/10
Not bad for such a short match

KEN ANDERSON & ACES & EIGHTS BACKSTAGE-
Okay, they really need to stop using this stupid “cyborg” nickname for Kurt Angle. Anderson said “anyone see what happened in the ring with that cyborg?” and I had a horrible flashback to RoboCop making the save for Lex Luger at Capitol Combat.
Anyway, Aces & Eights decide that it is time for business now, so they adjourn to their business room and the leader makes a point of telling someone to close the door so no one can hear what they are saying… BUT THEY LET THE CAMERAMAN BROADCASTING LIVE TO A SHOW ON INTERNATIONAL TV STAY IN THE ROOM!
Anyway, they tell Mike Knox that, like Doc, he must now earn back his spot in the group because he lost his mask… but still do not show or mention any actual consequences to the group for Knox (or Doc, or Devon) having lost his mask.

JOSEPH PARK & HULK HOGAN SEGMENT- Hogan gets frustrated and says that Joseph can have “whatever match he wants.” That’s not very responsible phrasing there, Hulk. Joseph is a lawyer, remember? Next week on Impact we could very well wind up with Joseph Park vs. Frank Jobberson in a Winner Gets All of Hulk Hogan’s Money, Power, and However Much of His Daughter’s Virginity Bully Ray Has Left Intact Match.

BROOKE HOGAN & HULK HOGAN SEGMENT- I don’t care, but at least it was short.

ARIES & ROODE BACKSTAGE- amusing.

AUSTIN ARIES & JEFF HARDY VIDEO PACKAGE- this was mostly about Aries, and he was awesome!

BOBBY ROODE & AUSTIN ARIES vs. JEFF HARDY & JAMES STORM- 6.25/10
Wait… so the match you randomly made at the top of the show is the main event, rather than the big tag team match you’ve been hyping up all week featuring the world champion, the two top contenders for the world title, and one of your top babyfaces? WTF?!

JOEY RYAN & MATT MORGAN BRAWL WITH CHAVO & HERNANDEZ- this segment really felt like they had absolutely no idea how to hype up this match, so they just have them brawl.

GENESIS CARD RUNDOWN- very important and much-needed, as this was the first I had heard of most of these matches.

JEFF HARDY VIDEO PACKAGE- Jeff just says random, dull, obvious stuff.

MR. ANDERSON vs. KURT ANGLE- no rating. Eh segment. How many times have we seen this form Aces & Eights now? Yes, it resolves the Anderson mystery, but I don’t care. Then both Anderson and Mike Knox armed with a hammer run away from WES BRISCO AND GARRETT BISCHOFF! Samoa Joe also comes out to help save Kurt, but Sting, the guy who made a big deal about being “united” with Joe and Kurt against the Aces & Eights in the beginning of the show… he takes his sweet time and doesn’t show up until Kurt has already been loaded on a stretcher and the heels have been run off. Sting then demands that Mike Knox come and wrestle him, so Aces & Eights make Knox do it.

STING vs. MIKE KNOX- 4/10
So, when actually faced with a fair fight, Mike Knox loses clean to an almost fifty-four year old man in about four minutes. Then Sting hits him in the arm with a hammer.

ACES & EIGHTS HOLD BROOKE HOGAN CAPTIVE- this was supposed to be suspenseful, but it just felt so corny that I was actually laughing at it. Then Bully Ray comes out to make the save (the segment with Brooke talking to him on the phone earlier established his presence) and Aces & Eights all run at him one at a time, rather than using their four on one advantage (it really should have only taken one of them to hold Brooke. Two at most). Anyway, Bully saves Brooke and then Hulk Hogan comes out on the stage.

When we come back from commercial, Hogan commends Bully Ray for fighting four-on-one odds to save Brooke and realizes that Bully truly loves her, reinstates Bully Ray, and gives the young lovers his blessing. Or… that’s what would have happened if this was booked competently. Instead, we got this:

Hogan says (paraphrasing) “Oh, now what? Am I supposed to thank you for saving my daughter from untold horrors and violations at the hands of Aces & Eights?” He then says that Bully “put my daughter in harm’s way!“ He blames Bully for the whole thing and refuses to let Brooke see him anymore!
Hogan must be absolutely f*cking delusional to possibly interpret the events of the last segment the way he does.
Bully then cut a GREAT promo that really makes you feel sorry for him that Hogan’s part in this angle is just so screwed up.
Then I stop caring again as after just two months of dating, Bully proposes to Brooke… and he wants to do the wedding NEXT WEEK on Impact! Okay, leaving aside the logistical ridiculousness of planning an entire wedding in just one week, it seems to me that there is one major flaw in this whole plan: the guy who runs the show does not want them to get married, so I doubt he will let them get married ON HIS TV SHOW!

So Bobby Roode doesn’t get his own video package for Genesis, but Aries and Hardy do? What does that say about Bobby’s chances?

Overall, an okay episode of Impact, brought down by the utter ridiculousness of the Hogan-Bully-Brooke stuff.