BRM Reviews the 11/22/2012 Impact (HORRIFIC!)

[Big Red Machine]

During the opening voice-over, they referred to “Kurt Angle’s war against the Aces & Eights.” WHAT?! This was supposed to be a whole big thing where the whole locker room was “united’ against the invaders… and suddenly it is just Kurt’s war?

GUT CHECK MATCH: Wes Brisco vs. Garrett Bischoff- 3.25/10
Wow. The first time that a Gut Check match actually feels like it gets time, it features Garrett Bischoff. I really shouldn’t be surprised. At least Garrett looks competent performing basic wrestling moves now. Brisco did look very good, but I am 100% certain that both guys’ shoulders were down for that pin.

KURT, WES, & GARRETT BACKSTAGE- Kurt tells them to “feel the fans” and to “slow the tempo down.” I don’t think they could have gone any slower without limiting themselves to just headlocks!

JOEY RYAN PROMO- good

CHAVO GUERRERO JR. vs. JOEY RYAN- no rating, good segment. I just want to know why Hebner waited until after the chokeslam to DQ Joey Ryan. Morgan was choking him Chavo for a while before that.

AUSTIN ARIES PROMO- now I am actually interested in this show. I want to see who Aries calls out!

SAM SHAW vs. ALEX SILVA- 4/10
Shaw’s promo was dull and generic. He did look decent in the match, though. Silva was unimpressive.

BACKSTAGE TURKEY SUIT SEGMENTS- FINALLY! They take my advice and we wind up with a triple threat match. I also like that they set this match up in a backstage segment. This makes Open Fight Night feel a lot less repetitive than the old “Guy A comes to the ring and cuts a promo calling out Guy B” format all through the show.

ACES & EIGHTS ANGLE VIDEO PACKAGE- they played a clip where one of the Aces & Eights guys says (paraphrasing) ‘who I am isn’t important. What matters is that I am willing to die for the brotherhood.’ This, of course, goes directly against what they have been telling us for the past few weeks.

ACES & EIGHTS SEGMENT- same thing we have gotten most weeks recently. Devon says something, then they throw the dart at the picture board, then they laugh.

JOEY MATTHEWS vs. JEFF HARDY- 6/10
If Tenay says the word “unpredictability” one more time, I will hunt him down, go to his house, and slap him. Tenay also said that Christian York was the first unanimous vote among the judges, which is untrue, if I recall correctly. I believe Chris Louie was a unanimous “no.”
Aside from Tenay being on commentary, the match was very enjoyable, but TNA is doing a horrible job of booking Jeff Hardy as champion. Christian York loses to Zema Ion in less than five minutes, but it takes Jeff ten minutes to beat him? Roode attacking Jeff Hardy after the match was good.

TAELER HENRIX & BROOKE HOGAN BACKSTAGE- horrible This segment was entirely pointless and was painful to watch. Brooke Hogan is giving Taeler Hendrix advice on how to get over being nervous? Come on! Brooke also tells that it says a lot that she is “the only female Gut Check winner here.” Maybe that is because she is the only female Gut Check competitor EVER! Does Brooke really need to have a nickname for Taeler? And if she does, does it have to be something ridiculous like “Tay-Tay?”

TAELER HENDRIX vs. TARA (w/Jessie Godderz)- 3.75/10
The Gut Check competitors are the only people on the roster smart enough to call out champions?
I like the concept of Taeler calling out the person who beat her in her Gut Check match to prove how much she has improved… but the execution here wasn’t the best. Yeah, she got a nearfall in, but wouldn’t it have been better to have this match last a few minutes longer than the last one?

TURKEY SUIT MATCH: Eric Young (w/ODB) vs. Jessie Godderz (w/Tara) vs. Robbie E. (w/Robbie T.)- 2/10
SNORE!
Christie announced EY and ODB as a tag team but announced Jessie and Robbie E. as a singles wrestlers accompanied by their respective friends. She really sucks as a ring announcer. She is never consistent with how she announces things.
While Jessie is putting on the turkey suit, Taz says “well… it is Thanksgiving, so why not have a Turkey Suit Champion?” My answer to that would be “BECAUSE IT’S DUMB!”
ACES & EIGHTS ATTACK ERIC YOUNG- DUD! Once again, Aces & Eights take their sweet time assaulting a member of the TNA ROSTER with both a baseball bat and a hammer, but not one person comes out to help. Then, once the damage has been done, six Aces & Eights guys, armed with a hammer and a baseball bat, run away scared when confronted by two road agents. That’s right. The big, mean, scary gang of vicious heels just got chased off by two guys who haven’t been active wrestlers in YEARS!

AJ STYLES vs. KAZARIAN (w/Christopher Daniels)-5/10

AUSTIN ARIES & THE HOGANS SEGMENT- if they want to do this… fine... but it shouldn't be with Bully Ray. Aries implied that he is being held back because Brooke is favoring Bully Ray. First of all, Brooke has no authority in the men's division. Second of all, we have seen no evidence at all that Bully is getting favored in any way, or that Aries is being held back in any way! Also, this absolutely should not have been the main event angle on the show!

This was an absolutely horrific episode of Impact. The only match on this show that got any time at all was one that made the World Heavyweight Champion look weak, and the rest of the show really felt like same sh*t, different day. Todd Keneley needs to talk more because the more he is talking, the less Tenay will be talking.


STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay- “[Christian York] has really proven himself here in Impact Wrestling.”
This is his THIRD EVER MATCH IN TNA and his second in the last TEN YEARS. In those last two matches, he has logged a total of about ten minutes of in-ting time. How the hell has he proven himself in any way other than not being a jobber?