BRM Reviews the 5/12/2011 Impact (crap)

[Big Red Machine]

HOGAN & BISCHOFF SEGMENT- Good.

JARRETTS & KURT SEGMENT- not as bad as the usual segments for this feud.

MISS TESSMACHER & MICKIE JAMES vs. TARA & MADISON RAYNE- 2/10. Madison Rayne lost to a woman having her third career wrestling match! What the hell happened to her? Did she somehow lose all of her talent the night before Lockdown? This is moronic.
With everything that the Knockouts are supposed to be, everything that the Knockouts Champion is supposed to stand for, and everything that Mickie James personally represents to wrestling fans, and especially fans of women’s wrestling, it really just felt wrong to me to have Mickie James team up with the girl who does a striptease as a ring entrance.

HOGAN-FLAIR-BISCHOFF SEGMENT- good, but a little longer than it needed to run.

AJ & DREAMER BACKSTAGE- pretty good

MATT HARDY * BEER MONEY SEGMENT- WHOA! Didn’t see that one coming! Matt Hardy’s tag team partner is a really pudgy Bret Hart (in all seriousness, though, I did mark out a bit- should be a good match).

SANGRIENTO vs. SUICIDE- 5.25/10. This “Sangriento” guy is amazing (and he's Red!)!

THE NETWORK REP IS REVEALED- Eh. Foley’s promo was great, but I have no hope whatsoever that it will be followed up on. Also, Foley shouldn’t be able to change the name of the company. He can change the name of the show, but not the company! Hogan & Bischoff own the company! This has been a recurring problem throughout this angle. The Network should only have power about THINGS ABOUT IMPACT! It should have no power over PPVs, and no power over TNA as a company, such as changing the name, or firing people!

I also really dislike this angle because it doesn’t make much sense. If TNA (or, “Impact Wrestling” now, I guess) were really as hot a commodity as they want us to believe, then Hogan & Bischoff shouldn’t need SPIKE. They could get a TV deal on any other channel, and not have to put up with this dumb sh*t.

I really liked the way that they revealed Chyna’s name on the PandaTron. Anyway, Chyna is now in TNA, which bumps "making a porno with X-Pac" up to the #2 spot on the list of most embarrassing things she has done in the past ten years.

Foley’s comment about there being a “vague sexual tension” between him and Chyna was both extremely weird and extremely out of character.

FINALLY, the first rundown of the card for Sacrifice… MORE THAN HALFWAY THROUGH THE GO-HOME SHOW!

ABYSS vs. SAMOA JOE vs. CRIMSON- 2/10 WHAT THE F*CK? SAMOA JOE GETS PINNED IN THREE MINUTES!
WHY THE F*CK WAS THIS NOT HYPED UP!

BATTLE ROYAL FOR #1 (#2 really) CONTENDERSHIP TO THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE- 6/10. Uch. Not good for a main event. The way that Chyna eliminated Jarrett looked very weak. She should have hit him with a clothesline or something first.

Something else that really irked me was how easily Tenay slipped into saying “Impact Wresting.” As someone who has been saying “TNA" for nine years, you would think that he would slip up at some point. It felt like he was reading from. His total lack of emotion and surprise at the name change also hurt it a lot. It makes it seem so scripted.


Stupid Announcer Quotes:
1. Tenay “Kurt will unveil his new Ms. Angle; a business relationship…” If it is just a business relationship, then she isn’t MS. ANGLE!

2. Taz and Tenay “Could it be? It is Mick Foley?” Well… let’s see: HIS music is playing, as is his PandaTron video, which clearly says MICK FOLEY in it… so yeah. I’m going to guess that it is.

3. Tenay (at the end of the Joe vs. Crimson vs. Abyss match- “It wasn’t Joe! It was Abyss who blindsided him (Crimson)” WE KNOW! WE JUST SAW IT!!!!!!!!!!
And listen to the way Tenay says this. It is just so… wrong. Everything about it is wrong. He should be shocked. Astonished. Angry. Slightly excited, even. But he is none of those things. He is speaking in that same usual voice with that obnoxious inflection that is supposed to make everything sound “intriguing.” Wrestling is an art. It is not supposed to be intriguing as much as it is supposed to be exciting and emotional. It shouldn’t make you say “that was an interesting plot twist. I wonder what will happen next.” It should make you say “HOLY SH*T! I can’t believe that just happened! WHAT A JACKASS! I hope that *insert babyface here* kicks *insert heel here*’s ass for this!” Tenay’s tone of voice plays towards the former, which makes the latter extremely difficult.

4. Tenay “These two individuals, Crimson and Abyss, are supposed to square off this Sunday at Sacrifice”- “These two individuals” more pointlessly fancy speech from Tenay that takes the emotion of wrestling and makes the show sound like a joke.

5. Tenay siding with Joe is extremely hypocritical. If it is “every man for himself” once a match is over (which this one is), then why did he fault Tommy Dreamer for attacking AJ? Or Bubba for attacking Devon? Or 90,00 other similar cases over the years?

6. Taz just noticed Abyss’ missing/chipped teeth. Tenay pointed this out to us last week or the week before. More proof that no one in TNA has any memory at all.

7. Tenay (at the beginning of the main event) “We can only wonder what’s going to happen next week on Impact Wrestling on Spike TV”
A) Stop using the royal we. It makes you sound like an idiot,
B) Is the beginning of your 25 PERSON BATTLE ROYALE MAIN EVENT really the time to be hyping up next week’s show? Why don’t you…I don’t know… CALL THE F*CKING MATCH!
C) Nexts week’s show is nice, but isn’t there some other sort of TNA event going on before that? Which you just hyped up a few minutes ago? You know… Sacrifice? A PAY-PER-VIEW! Where you actually MAKE YOUR MONEY!!!!! You should be hyping that up, not next week’s FREE show.

8. Tenay- “Is that Jesse Neal?”- HOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE IN TNA HAVE RED MOHAWKS?!

9. Taz and Tenay (about Anderson) “this time, he EARNED the title shot”- And the other times he didn’t? He went to a draw in a #1 contender’s match. And before that, he was the champion, and thus deserved a rematch which he never got. It’s not like the shots were handed to him. Quite the opposite, in fact.

[cero2k]

MATT HARDY * BEER MONEY SEGMENT- WHOA! Didn’t see that one coming! Matt Hardy’s tag team partner is a really pudgy Bret Hart (in all seriousness, though, I did mark out a bit- should be a good match).

while i loved how they did the whole Wildcat return, i didn't like the segment that much, sometimes it felt like hardy was playing the scared cat heel, sometimes it felt like he was the face trying to even out the odds against heels.
I'm actually pumped about Harris coming back, it'd be nice if they played something like Storm not deciding who he want's to tag with, do a whole can Roode trust Storm thing. i'd be willing to ignore the whole "not teaming ever again" story

I also really like this angle because it doesn’t make much sense. If TNA (or, “Impact Wrestling” now, I guess) were really as hot a commodity as they want us to believe, then Hogan & Bischoff shouldn’t need SPIKE. They could get a TV deal on any other channel, and not have to put up with this dumb sh*t.

my understanding was that only the show changed name, but it's still TNA.

I really liked the way that they revealed Chyna’s name on the PandaTron. Anyway, Chyna is now in TNA, which bumps "making a porno with X-Pac" up to the #2 spot on the list of most embarrassing things she has done in the past ten years.

the reveal was ok, but angle SHOULD have been involved during the reveal.

Foley’s comment about there being a “vague sexual tension” between him and Chyna was both extremely weird and extremely out of character.

this, it came out of nowhere

[Big Red Machine]

Foley’s comment about there being a “vague sexual tension” between him and Chyna was both extremely weird and extremely out of character.

I am currently in the middle of Foley's second book which gave me an explanation for this line: Apparently this was how Foley opened his return promo before Summer Slam 99, in which he was addressing Chyna, so this is actually a reference to an old promo.