BRM Reviews the 1000th Raw (7/23/2012)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING OF THE SHOW- DX bored the hell out of me. I lol-ed once in ten minutes, and that was at them making fun of Shawn for doing Playgirl.

HELL YEAH! Sandow interrupts them! AWESOME stuff from Sandow. Hunter says they need to talk as a group to decide whether or not to listen to Sandow. They huddle up, and Sandow tells them that it is rude. THAT is why I love Sandow. The little touches like that. The outcome of this was obvious to everyone. The crowd even chanted “SWEET CHIN MUSIC!”

I never really realized why people pooped all over the “one-night only” D-X reunions until now. I found them stupid, but I didn’t realize the damage they do until right now. This should have been a big nostalgia moment for me, but I just didn’t give a damn at all. It is now half an hour into the show, and I feel like nothing has happened.

REY MYSTERIO, SIN CARA, & SHEAMUS vs. Chris Jericho, Dolph Ziggler, & Alberto Del Rio (w/Vickie Guerrero & Ricardo Rodriguez)- 5.25/10
I think everyone knew how this was going to end before it even started.

I have only known about it for a few days now, but I already hate this “TOUT” thing with a passion.

COLE & LAWLER TALK TO CHARLIE SHEEN LIVE VIA SKYPE- who the hell thought this was a good idea? Seriously, someone please explain to me how this helps the show.

AJ & LAYLA BACKSTAGE- Layla asks AJ if she is really sure she wants to go through with the wedding. AJ says yes. Anyway, this was just an excuse to get in a bunch of cameos of people doing nothing important. I was ready to hate it… but then Mae Young showed up with a guy in a giant hand costume and introduced himself as her son… and I just laughed my ass off.

Apparently it is more important to tell us how long it would take to watch all of the episodes of Raw back-to-back and to cheaply plug Sonic smoothies than to show Jack Swagger’s entrance.

JACK SWAGGER vs. BRODUS CLAY (w/the Funkadactyls)- Jack Swagger gets squashed in fifteen seconds. Former World Champion, ladies & gentlemen.

Then we get Triple H backstage with a brunette who it took me WAY too long to remember was Trish Stratus. I will never get used to her as a brunette. They do a short segment which was a cute throwback to the segment when Steph walked in on Triple H showing Trish wrestling holds, and D-X walks in on them. It would have been much funnier if Steph walked in on them.

WEDDING SEGMENT- I think I jinxed it. After AJ said yes, I actually said “wow. That went off with surprisingly few hitches."
Anyway, Vince comes out and AJ reveals that she has decided to not marry Dragon, but to become the GM of Raw instead. WHAT THE F*CK?!
First of all, why can’t she be both the GM and Dragon’s wife? Steph, Vickie, and Teddy Long have all been authority figures while being married to members of the active roster… so why not AJ?

Second of all, why the hell are they making AJ a GM? She can talk AND WRESTLE! Why are they not using her as a wrestler? And third… AJ is a PSYCHO! So why the hell would Vince let her be a GM?

PUNK & DRAGON SEGMENT- decent segmen- ROCKY!

STUFF WITH THE ROCK- apparently Rock has been given a title shot at Royal Rumble. This segment was bad. I fail to see what Rock insulting and taking out Dragon does for anyone, unless Dragon is the one who will take on Rock at Royal Rumble. And if it is going to be Dragon taking on Rock at Royal Rumble, I think this was absolutely the wrong way to build it up. Rock always winds up on top in these segments. Why? How awesome would it have been if Dragon jumped Rock from behind and broke his arm or something, to add some major heat to the match.

WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: Christian(c) vs. The Miz- 4.75/10

TRIPLE H & PAUL HEYMAN SEGMENT- Great stuff! And STEPH! Great segment. Paul Heyman at his finest here. I actually like Hunter getting the best of Brock here. As Lawler said, this will be a wake-up call for Brock, and, in build-up to Summer Slam, we will see him get more and more vicious until he injures Hunter at Summer Slam.

HEATH SLATER CRAP- UTTER F*CKING SH*T! Lita comes out, then brings out the APA, Slater tries to run away, but all of the legends who have kicked his ass recently (plus Doink) show up and they chase him back to the ring. Heath eats a Twist of Fate, a Clothesline from Hell, and a Litasault. Then the legends all stand over him, and Ron Simmons says ‘DAMN!” This was f*cking horrific. As far as nostalgia segments go, this was not only lame, but it is exactly why WWE fails at nostalgia segments: Because they do it at the expense of someone who at least theoretically should be an up and coming star.

That aside: First of all, how did Lita know to hire the APA? Slater made the challenge less than a minute ago! Lita looks like a jerk for siccing the APA on Slater rather than taking care of business herself, and the other legends also look like jerks for stopping Heath from running away.
I am serious here. What Lita did tonight is the sort of sh*t that heels pull on people. Hell… Johnny Ace did it to Cena on Raw a back in June!

ROCK & CENA BACKSTAGE- eh. I think this time really should have been given to Punk vs. Cena

KANE vs. SIX NOBODIES- TAKER! They had to get Taker on the show somehow, and this was as good a way as any.

CHARLIE SHEEN AGAIN- oh dear G-d. They are trying to build towards Dragon vs. Charlie Sheen at Summer Slam. Yeah. Because THAT is a great use of Dragon.

WWE TITLE MATCH: CM Punk(c) vs. John Cena- 6/10
Good finish with Big Show, decent stuff with Rock, setting up Show as another possible opponent for Rock. I liked the stuff with Punk taking Rock out, too, as it calls back to Punk’s dissatisfaction with Rock, going back to his comments last summer.
If they are smart, the main event of TLC will be Big Show vs. Punk vs. Dragon vs. Cena for the WWE Title.

Overall... not a very good show from the WWE. We knew that match quality was going to stink, but I thought that Punk vs. Cena would be a lot better than it was. As a nostalgia show, this also failed. There were one or two good things (the Triple H-Trish segment, Kane & Taker), but I wasn’t into any of the other nostalgia stuff. As someone brought up a few months ago, it was, for the most part, the same legends that WWE always has around: Piper, Foley, Duggan, Ron Simmons, etc. Aside from that, it was a bunch of people we had seen over the past few weeks, doing absolutely nothing important. The D-X reunion took half an hour, and I just didn’t care because of how many times I had seen it before. Not a good show.

[cero2k]

aside from the AJ/Layla segment, not a single diva on sight.

[Big Red Machine]

aside from the AJ/Layla segment, not a single diva on sight.

Yeah... but they had Trish, Steph, & Lita.