Plus, Punk makes history at MSG, Booker gets a face full of water, Truth gets suspended and...WHY WON'T CENA GET ANGRY???
November 22, 2011
Arrggh. It's so damn frustrating.
What in the nine concentric circles of hell is it going to take for Cena to be mad at The Rock? What will it take? I need to know. Because last night's RAW was utter dwarf-piss. After getting Rock Bottom'd by The Great One at Survivor Series, Cena came out last night and, of course…put over The Rock! He talked about how Rocky had "still got it" and "hadn't lost a step in seven years." Then he was all like "it just wasn't my night" and "I love it when you all boo me because it represents your passion and also I'm a gigantic, enormous pussy and the writers can't decide what to do with my character to properly build up my WrestleMania match with The Rock."
Holy crap, Cena's like a battered wife. Nothing The Rock says or does to him will make fight back. Or speak ill of The Rock. Cena will just keep on smirking. With that damn smirk that he smirks. It never goes away. Seventeen thousand strong at MSG! Booing the complete s*** out of Cena. And he just stands there the whole time. Smirking. With that low-blood sugar glaze in his eye. The Rock? He's intense. He's serious. He might be a bit of a prima donna now, who doesn't say "hi" to anyone in the locker rooms anymore (according to a recent CM Punk interview), but when he went out the ring at Survivor Series, he was all business. Cena looked like he was bored and waiting in line for the Scrambler at Six Flags. It was bad enough that Cena didn't seem to care one bit that The Rock attacked him at 'Mania and cost him the match! But now he's doing it again. The Rock is going to get cheered over Cena. Period. And if the WWE had any intuition about this upcoming 'Mania Main Event, then they should turn Cena heel.
Later, Cena will tell the attending physicians that he hit his head on a doorknob.
And that Survivor Series match was the perfect moment! Except for one thing. Cena still has to exist in the WWE until April. And he can't be a heel for that entire time. So I'm hoping, deep down in the coal mine of my soul, where I've effectively buried all hopes, that the WWE will use a storyline build up to do something cool, and that the Cena heel turn is still coming. It's just that Survivor Series was too far removed from 'Mania for him to turn on The Rock. Still, it should have happened. And the fact that Cena didn't get any sort of payback on Sunday, and got trounced by The Rock again, just shows us that the WWE doesn't really have any plan for this 'Mania match other than just having The Rock show up and crook his eyebrow.
Now I loved watching Rock in the ring on Sunday. Don't get me wrong. Just because I've kicked off this Wrap Up with a big, unorganized rant about Cena's passive, frustrating malaise doesn't mean that I wasn't thrilled to see the Brahma Bull put boots to asses. The guy's a freak who actually looks better now than he did seven years ago, when he last stepped foot in the ring. And no, he hasn't lost a step. Of course, it was a Tag Match and his role was limited since Cena spent fifteen minutes getting stomped, but it was still fun. But was it more impressive than HBK coming back after five years and wrestling that Street Fight match against Triple H at SummerSlam '02? For me, no. But it was damn close. I mean, The Rock isn't really known for being a technically sound performer. He's just exciting. Electrifying, if you will. So it was close.
But man, they need to pull the trigger on Cena and have him do something. He's just stagnant with The Rock. And because he can never win over the crowd, no matter what arena he's in, they need to make some hard choices here. It's not a 50/50 split between these two guys the way the WWE might have hoped it would be. And with 'Mania being in Miami, Cena's not going to even register. He's going to look like a total ass if something isn't done. And I don't even like Cena and yet I still know they can't just have him keep coming out and "being okay" with everyone booing him up the butt. And I can appreciate a good Face vs. Face match just like anyone else. But the fans don't want that. They hate Cena and they want bad things to happen in his life. And also…Cena not turning heel negates everyone else who's ever turned heel ever! Thank about it. Now all wrestlers' reasons for turning heel seem small and petty compared to what's going on with Cena now. Hell, The Rock turned heel and became "The Rock" because a few people had a few signs occasionally. Guys have turned heel because they got their steak medium instead of rare. They've done 180s because the guy at the car wash stole all the change off their floor mats. But Cena can just remain "as is?"
And that takes me back to Cena's "fail smirk." He's freakin' lying. He doesn't like being booed. He's not okay with it. And it shows on his face whenever he tries to laugh it off. It's eating him up. And there's a part of me that feels as though Cena wants to turn heel but it's the WWE holding him back. The WWE has its talons sunk in deep. To charities. To the armed-forces. To anti-bullying malarkey. And there's no other person that can rep those things like Cena. He is the company line. Of course, WCW didn't ever think about life-long Hogan fans when they turned Hogan, but they didn't have any corporate responsibilities. And fortunately, because of that, they were able to create a landmark event in wrestling. So, keeping all of the WWE's global housekeeping to mind, will they ever again be able to create a truly "shocking" moment? They've only got two left, as it stands. Taker losing at 'Mania, which can be easily done. And Cena turning. Which is the move that will take some major league brass balls of brass.
While I was watching Survivor Series, I started wondering how much the venue itself actually informs the booking. MSG. They're pretty much an easy crowd to predict. I was there for Survivor Series '96 (the show that I consider to be the official spark for the "attitude era") when they cheered Austin over Bret and Sid over HBK. But speaking to the WWE's weekly TV shows, we now get into the fact that wrestling is both a TV show and a show with a large, loud live audience. So sometimes there's a bit of a split between pleasing the crowd on hand, who paid money to be there, and making a TV show that advances the story in the way that TV viewers want them to advance. It's really a unique, organic experience. But during the opening match between Ziggler and Morrison the MSG crowd chanted "WE WANT RYDER!" the whole time. And I mean the WHOLE TIME. So what was really behind the choice to not book Ryder at MSG, where he's insanely popular? Especially given that Morrison is very close to leaving the company, as his contract has expired and he's on a one month extension, and the fact that the storyline for the past month has been leading to Ziggler vs. Ryder?
The same goes for Daniel Bryan and Mark Henry. Henry got laid out at the end of his match with Big Show. The crowd chanted "DANIEL BRYAN!" So all throughout the PPV there were moments when something great could have happened. Cena could have attacked The Rock. Daniel Bryan could have cashed in his MITB contract. Ryder could have come out and goaded Ziggler into putting his title on the line. But it all just wound up falling flat. And I'm not saying all those things should have happened because then you start over-booking the show, but at least one of those things should have gone down.
So The Rock came back. He booted much ass. That part was great. And so was Punk winning the WWE Belt in MSG, with Howard Finkel as his guest ring announcer. The match was decent, the last five minutes were great. The MSG crowd loved the evergreen s*** out of Punk almost as much as they loved chanting stuff. You know. "Don't Tag Cena!" "We Want Ice Cream!" A nice "Randy Savage!" chant whenever someone, including The Big Show, dove off the top rope with a big flying elbow. And the WWE now has even tried to get in on the day-after-analysis of their events. They have a "Best Chants from Survivor Series" piece up on their website. It's so adorable. And they're now even pimping their big WWE Social Interaction page. It's totally precious. See they want to "own the discussion." A lot of networks are trying to wrest the reigns away from snarky internet boards and control the flow of discord and criticism. And the WWE, as of about three weeks ago, has gone absolutely INSANE WITH IT. IN-SANE. Like, mental patient nuts.
The WWE mentioned Twitter 200,000,000,000,000,000,000 times during Survivor Series. Okay, maybe not that much. Maybe only 47 times. But that's still once every three minutes. Someone else counted that up, by the way. I'm waaaaay too lazy to calculate that s***. But it's now become offensive. It's now gone past the point of being ridiculous. It's hard for me to even describe the elevated level of social media conviction that the WWE has unleashed on all of us to other people here in the office. The discussions usually involve me saying "No, no. You don't understand…" a whole lot. And I still can't believe that the WWE is so obsessed with something that makes them no money. I know they're always trying to lasso up mainstream media coverage, but they couldn't possibly think that trending topics are mainstream media, do they? Awwww. I just wanna pinch their cheeks! I feel like a fat old aunt and the WWE is my nephew I haven't seen in ages.
Now ever single "Did You Know?" is about this crap. Now it's all about how the "RAW was the single most discussed TV show on Facebook and Twitter" or how the WWE is the most social medialized social media on social media. The next "Did You Know?" will be like "Do you know the WWE mentions social media more than any other TV show or network and it's gotten to the point where the average viewer wants to clean out their ears with a bullet?" This is how the world ends, folks. With the WWE ruining the entire realm of social media for everyone on Earth. I don't care what anyone says, this is bullying. This is the hate we need to rise above.
There's so much to talk about regarding Survivor Series and RAW that I'm having a hard time barfing all my thoughts out. So let me just spew out a few items: I enjoyed Wade Barrett's team beating Orton's team clean. Sin Cara Sin Cara'd himself by Sin Cara'ing his kneecap during his first move of match. He'll be gone for…who effing cares. Punk vs. Ziggler on RAW was a great match that I enjoyed watching. Kevin Nash came out and did more of his "Remember when? Remember when?" stuff, making it clear that no one will give a sub-divided fraction of a s*** about him until Triple H comes back. Oh, and Cody Rhodes attacked Booker T with the world's most deadliest substance…
WATER TO THE FACE! BOOKER COULD HAVE DROWNED! HE COULD HAVE GONE BLIND! I hear he's still got it in his ears and it's f***ing up his equilibrium. It had to be the worst day of his entire life! I mean…so much wetness. And you know how after RAWs and Smackdowns the web gets flooded with fan reports, from people where were there in person, watching the tapings? Well my favorite one from RAW, not sent to me mind you, was: "Booker T spent over 20 minutes wiping himself dry repeatedly after Cody threw the water at him." Totally unsolicited. And totally amazing.
Oh, and I guess we don't have to worry about Cody stealing R-Truth's gimmick since Truth has been suspended for 30 days – hence the abrupt break up of Awesome Truth last night. Man, and when Truth does come back now does that mean he's going to be a good guy again? That will ruin him! No more "Don't You 'What' Me!"'s? Because when he comes back he has to gun for Miz now, right? Ugh, so dumb. And yes, Truth is gone because it was revealed that he was Evan Bourne's pot-smoking accomplice in pot-smoking. And people were complaining that there was a double standard in the Wellness Policy since it's long been rumored that nothing bad ever happens to the top-tier guys. Which, you know, MAKES ABSOLUTE SENSE! I'm serious. They're the top guys in big storylines. In one of the most un-fair, dubious industries on the entire planet! How about this? If you're a bottom card player who's expendable…don't do drugs!!! Shouldn't Evan Bourne have known he was Evan Bourne?
Oh, and last night, Swagger's Twitter graphic fuzzed out and a website flashed for a second, which led to this video…
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So. Taker? Kane? We already had a promo last night featuring a burning Kane mask so it would seem silly to have another one be hidden in a website. Some wonder if it's a new guy coming in, but that kid with the congested sinuses clearly said that it was a "familiar force" or something. And it's a bad guy since this a-hole apparently is a "power that will come to punish the meek for their inequity." Which, from the video, seems to involve abducting children from the playground. So all hail the WWE's first ever sexual predator character! Of course, some also say it's Jericho, but word has it that the talks between the WWE and Jericho have broken down. Of course, that word could also be a lying word. It seems as though this character might be obsessed with the whole 2012 "End Times" scenario. Like the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse. In which the world will end but some poor kid will be left all alone to finish his schoolwork. *shudder*
Back to Miz and Truth briefly…I thought it was interesting that the two of them came out last night and called Cena out on being a Grade-A puss. Miz actually took Cena to task for not being angry at The Rock! It was great. And then…Cena got mad and serious. At Miz and Truth. So all that rage that he should have directed at Rock got funneled back to Miz and Truth. Anyhow, I feel bad for Truth, since he was really enjoyable on this heel run and now I'm afraid it's over. And it's a shame that there are simply NO pictures of R-Truth/Ron Killings on the phone out there because a picture with him and "Phone Dog" is long overdue. Especially since it would be the bad R-Truth answering the phone. And now *sob* the bad R-Truth may never answer the phone again.
Impact Wrestling was okay. Angle was revealed to be the guy who bloodied James Storm last week. Which is predictable, but what else are you going to do when you've got a limited amount of top-tier suspects in the locker room? Of course, that didn't stop Storm from going up to everyone backstage and telling them "all signs point to you being the person who jumped me." And by "signs" he meant that they were a living person with functioning arms and legs. Now, don't worry, I won't dive too deeply into the TNA pool here, but I just wanted to share with all of you the fact that TNA has got some artistic f***ers on their staff. I mean, why else would all of the photos from Impact be in black and white?
Ansel Adams himself couldn't have taken a better picture of Velvet Sky's t**s. I mean, it's breath-taking. Like that time I saw the Richard Vanek exhibit, "A Visual Emotion," at the Getty. It totally gave me a boner too.
And so…yeah. All black and white images. And not one of, say, Matt Morgan holding up his Tag Team Title either. Just two of this guy [Crimson] celebrating. Was the shutterbug behind these stunning portraits too distracted by the poetically abandoned weigh-station he saw out on I-95 the night before to bother taking the picture of the other guy who won the Tag Team titles?
And with Matt Morgan and Crimson being this year's Matt Morgan and Hernandez (two big guys that TNA has no plans for) are we all now just waiting for the moment when Morgan betrays Crimson? Also, did we need to know that Jeff Hardy was impotent? Okay, maybe we did kind of need to know that one but…why was it brought up? Was this more of TNA shoving Jeff through the wringer? Because Karen came out and told Jeff that his wife confessed to her that he was a lousy lay and then, well, Jeff just stood there. Like Cena. And took it. So now it's out there. The guy who will probably be the one to beat Roode for the TNA title. He can't get it up. Floppy McShame. The Uncharismatic Addict. The Creature of the Night (Who Can't Get a Boner).
I've gotten a few people asking why I don't cover ROH or, you know, other indie organizations with iPPVs and the simple answer is…well, it's kind of the same reason I spend most of my time in the Wrap Up talking about the WWE. More people watch the WWE. And I do, as dirty as it makes me feel, want the most amount of people to read the Wrap Up. But that's not to say that ROH isn't worthy. It's good. My review of ROH is that it's very very very good. So there you have it.
But I also don't get ROH out here in LA, as strange as it sounds, being that this is the high and mighty Los Angeles and all. But if you do live in an ROH-dark area, you can become a "Ringside Member" on the ROH site and watch the show. The show I watch every week here is NWA Hollywood, which is moving it's taping to Glendale soon, but still probably keeping the name NWA Hollywood. But not enough people, nationally, watch the show, for me to give you reports on it. It's a fun show that I enjoy watching because I enjoy watching wrestling and all the typical things that come with a wrestling program. I guess the most interesting part of the NWAH as of late is that big Eric Watts, the guy who couldn't physically cut it on WWE Tough Enough, has been on the show just about every week as of late.
But as for ROH, there's just not that much to write about other than they have very good, often exhausting matches. There aren't as many storylines to chew on so it doesn't really fit my style of reporting/complaining/covering up lack-of-knowledge with pictures of cats. It doesn't make me mad. And isn't that what 97% of the internet forecast is? Rage, with occasional sunshine? Isn't that the toll we all play to participate here? Even if we don't really hate things, we have to pretend to? Just so we can be a part of something? To which I say…love me. For the rest of your days. Hold me in your arms.
