TNA Final Resolution 2007

TNA Final Resolution 2007 (1/14/2007)- Orlando, FL

PRE-SHOW MATCH: Chase Stevens vs. Lance Hoyt- DUD!
Right after the bell rings to start this match, they immediately cut a recap of AJ Pierzynski & Dale Torborg ripping pages out of David Eckstein’s book and Lance Hoyt making the save from the last PPV. And I mean RIGHT AFTER the bell rang. It’s not like the match started while they were in the middle of the recap. We saw the entrances. They rang the bell… and then immediately cut away from the match. When they were done with the recap, they immediately want to a shot of Pierzynski & Torborg sitting in the crowd, instead of, you know… the match that is supposed to entice us to order the PPV. They might as well have flashed a giant sign across the screen that said �"THIS MATCH DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL!”
Apparently they couldn’t find any other place for this recap. Not even, say, the beginning of the pre-show, where all we saw was Raven caning some Seratonin guys because they had apparently just lost a match, which we didn’t get to see because it happened before the pre-show. That segment, which had no effect on tonight’s PPV at all and just made me annoyed that I missed a match, was more important than actually showing the beginning of this match.

The match goes about two minutes, then Hoyt and the baseball players fight. Pierzynski hits Hoyt with a chair, which causes Mike Tenay to shout �"WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?” Yes, apparently the notion of one man hitting his enemy with a steel chair is too much for �"The Professor” Mike Tenay, lead announcer for this wrestling organization, to comprehend.
Security comes to break the brawl up, and while this is happening, no one noticed Shane Douglas run down to the ring and grab a mic. He berated Stevens for wearing gear with The Franchise’s logo on it because The Franchise dumped the Naturals weeks ago. Shane swears to beat him up if he ever does it again, and Stevens gets in Shane’s face… and then multi-time World Champion Shane Douglas backs down from one of the f*cking Naturals. Security then holds both men back.
So, to summarize: this pre-show match, which is meant to give us a taste of the action we will get if we order tonight’s PPV, was a squash of which we were not even shown the first half due to a video package hyping up something that would not matter on this PPV. Then we saw not one but TWO post-match angles that would also not matter at all on tonight’s PPV. FAIL!


MAIN SHOW:
They pan around at various signs in the crowd during the opening, and there are a good number of them supporting the Briscoe Brothers. There is also a Sweet N’ Sour sign. The idiot cameraman also decided to soon in a sign that supported LAX, who are currently the top heels.


LAST MAN STANDING MATCH: AJ Styles vs. Rhino- DUD!
I feel bad giving this a dud, but I have to, simply because the gimmick of the match just plain didn’t work and it made me not care at all about absolutely anything that happened in the match.
So apparently in the wacky world of TNA, in a Last Man Standing match, you first have to pin the other guy before the ten-count is applied. WHY? Why would you force pinfalls into a match that doesn’t need them in such a way that just makes the pinfalls unimportant? Hell… why would you do ANYTHING that makes pinfalls unimportant in the OPENING MATCH (or ever, for that matter)? This also meant that after AJ did a crazy dive to the outside onto Rhino and both men were down selling it, there was no count at all for someone to win this Last Man Standing match.
In fact, why the hell would you ever kick out of a pinfall? If you don’t kick out, the ref starts the ten count, and you have until nine to catch your breath while the other guy can’t touch you. If you kick out, though, the other guy can go right back to beating you up.
Apparently there are disqualifications in this Last Man Standing match, too, because AJ needed to wait until Hebner’s back was turned before hitting Rhino with a low blow.
Don West and Mike Tenay both praised Earl Hebner for counting slowly because it would ensure that we would get a �"real winner.” That phrase would be important because the finish saw AJ down and getting counted while Rhino was set up across the ring, ready to Gore AJ if he got back up. At about the count of seven, AJ was up on one knee by the ropes. He then turned and saw Rhino laying in wait to Gore him. Rather than to move out of the way of the possible Gore by, say, rolling to the outside, AJ just falls back down and deliberately allows himself to be counted out.
Unsatisfied with this, Rhino grabs a mic and says �"I may have won, but you are still alive. I’m gonna finish you off tonight.” So \having a �"real winner” really didn’t matter at all because Rhino will apparently not be satisfied until he ENDS AJ’S LIFE! That’s right. Rhino has just vowed, on worldwide PPV, TO COMMIT A MURDER!
Mike and Don sold this whole thing as if AJ had somehow cheated Rhino out of something by not allowing Rhino to MURDER HIM, and we were apparently supposed to agree with this conclusion.

Mike and Don run down the card, and when they are done, Rhino drags AJ back out and gives him a piledriver onto the ramp. Now that I know that Rhino is trying to murder AJ, I really can’t support this violence. Anyway, Rhino got a table and set it up leaning on the stage in front of the tunnel to Gore AJ through it… but AJ, who just a ate a piledriver onto the stage, is able to give Rhno a drop toe-hold and send Rhino into the ramp. So once again AJ escapes with the heat, just like he did at the end of the match… so what was the point of this?

JERRY LYNN PROMO- good, although I was very distracted by Leticia’s wardrobe. Even in Florida, who the hell wears a bikini top in January?

TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: Christopher Daniels(c) vs. Jerry Lynn vs. Chris Sabin- 6.75/10

PAPARAZZI CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES FINAL MATCH WITH A TEN MINUTE TIME LIMIT: Alex Shelley vs. Austin Starr- 6.5/10
In case the match went to a time limit draw, there would be three judges who would determine the winner. The judges were Samolian Joe, The Big Fat Oily Guy, and Bob Backlund. When Bob Backlund came over towards where she was standing, SoCal Val ran away from him, screaming in fear. That was fantastic. Of course, because the wrestling is so important, the camera kept cutting to shots of �"The Big Fat Oily Guy” pouring oil all over himself.
Anyway, they did just about as great a job as they possibly could while actually leaving something for everyone else on the card to do. Of course it goes to the judges, and Backlund is the deciding vote… and Backlund ran down a list of stuff that he gave them scores on… and it would up being a draw. Kevin Nash then declared a five minute overtime in which Shelley won. Yup. God forbid we just give them time to wrestle. Instead, let’s do some idiotic judging to eat up time and pay to bring Bob Backlund in for no reason.
The other X-Division guys come out to congratulate Shelley on his win, so Aries cuts a promo about how he didn’t come to TNA for this PCS bullsh*t. He slaps Senshi, which results in getting his butt kicked. Then he pie-faced Bob Backlund, which resulted in him getting put in the Crossface Chicken Wing. This was dumb.

PETEY WILLIAMS vs. JAMES STORM (w/Gail Kim)- 4.25/10
Despite not liking him anymore, Gail apparently �"has no other options” other than managing Storm.
Storm got crazy height and distance on the Eye of the Storm. They did about as much as they could for a match that didn’t even get seven minutes. After the match, Storm grabs the handcuffs that Gail keeps on her belt (you know… when she is being a heel), and uses them to handcuff Petey to the ropes. Tenay is outraged at this and lets his disgust be known by angrily shouting that the handcuffs were just �"a fashion accessory!”
Storm goes to hit Petey with a beer bottle, but Gail stops him. She then grabs the beer bottle to hit Storm with it, but Jackie Moore comes out and assaults Gail. Storm and Jackie then hit Gail with the Death Sentence. A good segment. Apparently his appetite for violence has been satiated, though, so he doesn’t go back and hit Petey with the beer bottle.

VKM SEGMENT- UTTER SH*T!
AFTER their music plays and as they head out to the ring, Tenay kindly informs us �"next up at Final Resolution; the appearance of, well, first B.G. James, and then Kip James behind him, come to the ring, steel chairs in hand. �"
Thank you, Tenay, for telling us what anyone with at least one working eye can already see. Why don’t you actually do something that justifies your paycheck, never mind the nickname �"the Professor?” Unfortunately, this sh*tty announcing was a very appropriate start to a horrifically sh*tty segment.

They first declare victory over the WWE, which excited the crowd so much that a good nine or ten people clapped. What is their basis for this declaration? They said that they �"did everything that they set out to do,” which was:
1. �"We spent the night on the front porch of your palatial palace that you call Titan Towers… and what did you do? Not a damn thing”
My first thought upon hearing this (well… my second thought. My first was that �"palatial palace” is a redundancy) was �"of course they didn’t do anything about you! You’ve not even a gnat on WWE’s ass! If they did give a sh*t about you, they would have done something.
2. �"We ambushed Paul Levesque at a WWE house show in Knoxville, Tennessee, and what did he do? Not a damn thing.”
Did they just claim that they jumped Triple H? How come no one heard about this?
B.G. then says �"on a side note, though, Paul; nobody likes to see one of our boys go down. Heal your wheel, bro.”
WHAT THE F*CK?! They just claimed that they jumped him… and now they are saying that they are sorry he got injured?
Then B.G. resumes the list of their �"accomplishments:”
3. �"We went to lovely San Antonio, Texas, home of the historic Alamo, in search of Michael Hickenbottom. Guess what? Michael Hickenbottom was a no-show.”
Yup. Apparently if they couldn’t find Shawn Michaels in a major city after they said they wanted to fight him, that means Shawn is a coward. It seems to me like the logical reason for HBK to not show up was that he was doing his job, which is WRESTLING! Not wasting PPV time using embarrassing pretexts to declare victory in a war that only they even acknowledged was going on.
4. �"Last, but not least, we laid out the Million Dollar Charity Challenge. You refused that, and that taught me two things about you: You’re cowards and you’re stupid.”
Okay, when did this become a charity thing? At the last PPV, it seemed like they were offering to give HBK and Triple H one million dollars to show up and fight them. To make things even more confusing, in his very next sentence, B.G. says �"You see, Vince, not only would you have gotten a million dollars, but you would have gotten ratings.” So would the million dollars have gone to WWE or to charity? B.G. then continued �"isn’t that what it’s all about, Vince? The ratings?”
No, B.G. It’s not. It’s about PPV buys and house show attendance and merch sales! You know? Making money?
B.G. continues to lambast WWE for letting Kevin Fetterline pin their champion and doing Trump vs. Rosie. Apparently this means that Kip and B.G. have won their war against Vince, but he insists that Vince is still waging a war against wrestling fans because �"one thing a person don’t like is to have his intelligence insulted.”
Well if people don’t like having their intelligence insulted, I guess I won’t bring up your horrific grammar. But you’re right. People don’t like to have their intelligence insulted. Like when you say that you attacked a man, but then, in your VERY NEXT SENTENCE say that you hated seeing him get injured and wished him a speedy recovery.
Anyway, they complain about Raw and about how WWE sucks and say TNA is the greatest, and then their music started to play and I thought that this hell was over, but then Christy Hemme came out screaming �"WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!”
She got in the ring and was close to sobbing and said �"I don’t mean any disrespect. Please! Please! Please! I could get fired for this, but I have something that I need to say.
I’ve been watching you guys for three months talking about how you’re the foundation of D-X. Then at WWE, Shawn and Hunter; they’re the foundation of D-X. Well I think you’re missing somebody very important. And they deserve at least a little bit of credit. What about Joanie Lauer? What about Chyna? Why was she just a blip in the foundation of D-X? Because she’s just a woman in a man’s world?”
YEAH! Good point, Christy! And X-Pac hasn’t been mentioned at all either because he, too, is just a poor woma-
Whoops. Guess that theory doesn’t make sense. Maybe the reason that Chyna is �"just a blip on the foundation of D-X” is the same reason Test doesn’t get credit for being part of the �"foundation” of the Corporation. Because Chyna was just the bodyguard. She stood in the background and looked tough. She wasn’t cutting any edgy promos like Shawn and Hunter were. Things wouldn’t have gone too much different if they replaced her with the Big Boss Man or Viscera or any other large person they had around at the time.
Christy was not done emoting yet, though. She is now on the verge of tears:
�"I’m not just talking about her. I’m not just talking about *sob* Chyna. What about Lita? She reportedly ran from this business.”
Lita is actually an excellent counter-example to Chyna. Lita was extremely important to Team Extreme, and you will not find a single fan or wrestler who doesn’t give her credit for it! She left the business because she was tired of fans calling her a slut… but that’s the price you pay when you cheat on someone. People who take that person’s side will call you bad names!

Christy’s dramatic speech continued:
�"And why? Why do we feel like we have to run from this business? Because we’re disposable? Those women in the back. Val! Val! You! Traci! Gail! They are not disposable. I’m not disposable. I will continue to fight EVERY! SINGLE! DAY! To get into this ring. I want to wrestle, too. I want to be a part of this business so bad. And why? Because I love it. I love it that much.
This might be the last time I’m in this ring. And if it is… if this is the last time I’m in this ring… this is worth it. This is worth losing my job over. And I’m going to say this one time: Women deserve respect. They deserve to be more than just a blip in the history of this business.”
She says �"I’m sorry” and then starts to leave the ring, but B.G. James gently says �"No no no. Christy. Come back here.” He is sympathetic, but tries to gently set her straight. �"This might be a man’s sport, but there’s room in it for everybody. Not all men are like whoever hurt you.”
DEAR G-D?! When did turn into a Lifetime movie?
As if this couldn’t get any worse, Kip James grabs the mic from B.G. and says �"Guess what. I’m one of them. Let me tell you something, you little slut: Maybe you should just go back to that strip club you got fired at… but don’t you ever… and I mean EVER interrupt me again because you know what? Girls are good for two things.” Then he directs a crotch chop at her…. But that’s only one thing, so apparently Kip James can ‘t count.
B.G. once sgain tries to interrupt Kip, while an angry Christy screams �"We are good for two things! Our bodies… and putting men back in line when they’ve stepped out!”
She dramatically slaps Kip in the face… then runs away like a scared little girl while B.G. prevents Kip from retaliating.
DEAR G-D, WHERE DO I START WITH THIS?!
First, Christy’s delivery here was so bad it was laughter-inducing (and you can actually see multiple fans cracking up). Then we have the fact that feminist maybe-martyr Christy Hemme flat out says, in these words, that women are good for their bodies.
Then there is the fact that this all comes completely out of nowhere. Christy has now been in TNA for nine months, and never once before this outburst of almost-tears has she expressed any desire to wrestle. And it's the same with this whole supposed misogyny of the system. No one has ever even hinted at this on-screen before. We have never seen women being treated poorly in any way that made their gender relevant (Roode yelled at Traci because she is an incompetent manager, not because she is a woman), so this whole thing just comes completely out of nowhere. There is nothing that would make us sympathize with Christy, and even a lot of evidence that tells us she is wrong. For example, a large part of the feud between AMW and Styles & Daniels in the spring and summer of 2006 was about how important the involvement of Gail Kim was to AMW’s victories, and the babyfaces even brought in a woman of their own to take her out. That is the opposite of Gail being disposable.
Worst of all (well, maybe second worst, after Christy’s over the top emoting) is the ridiculous weakness of her argument. If you want to do an angle about the treatment of women in professional wrestling, there is so much ammo out there! Instead they give Christy some vague claims and two specific claims that anyone who knows anything about wrestling can tell you certainly aren’t true! If you are trying to prove a social point, you have to very careful to make sure that your social crusader is 100% telling the truth and that all of his/her arguments make sense, or else people will crap on it… and that is exactly what the fans did here.

TEAM 3-D PROMO- Brother Ray puts over how much he and Devon want the titles and why they are going to win. An awesome promo.

NWA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: LAX(c) vs. Team 3-D- 3/10
They do some stuff, then just as Team 3-D gain control of the match, a drunken Brother Runt comes out dressed like Santa Claus and hits Homicide with a diving elbow drop, getting 3-D disqualified. What an idiotic finish.

SAMOA JOE PROMO- good

30 MINUTE IRON MATCH FOR AN NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATH NEXT MONTH: Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe- 8/10

JB INTERVIEWS STING- Sting says he will free Abyss from Mitchell’s control. Abyss and Mitchell show up. Mitchell cuts a promo on Sting, which causes Sting to choke Mitchell. Abyss then does nothing.

THREE WAY DANCE FOR THE NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: Abyss(c) (w/James Mitchell) vs. Sting vs. Christian Cage (w/Tomko)- 5.5/10
We were told that Tomko was �"barred from ringside for this match,” but much more accurate would be to say that he was �"barred at ringside,” because rather than keep him in the back, they just locked him in a cage at ringside. Of course, being locked in a cage AT RINGSIDE allows him to interfere by choking Sting when Sting comes too close. If you have the cage, why not lock him in the cage IN THE BACK?
The build-up to this match has all been because Sting wants to free Abyss from James Mitchell’s control and Christian has really only been important because he is friends with Tomko and Tomko knows Abyss’ secret. The TNA World Heavyweight Title hasn’t been important at all, because Vince Russo is the booker. Of course, Russo is such an idiot that, with all of build-up being about Abyss, Abyss doesn’t last much more than five minutes. He gets right up after the Scorpion Death Drop that eliminated him, and starts to attack Sting, but then changes his mind.
James Mitchell attacks the guy holding the key to Tomko’s cage and unlocks Tomko, who attacks Sting while Mitchell distracts the ref. Then Abyss comes out and attacks Tomko, throwing him back into the cage. After a ref bump and interference from Mitchell, we get a Russo swerve with Mitchell and Abyss where Abyss attacks Sting and saves Mitchell, leading to Christian winning the belt. Not even close to acceptable for a main event.

Overall, a terrible show from TNA. It had an awesome Joe vs. Angle match on it… and it was still terrible. That Christy Hemme & VKM segment (both parts of it) is some of the worst crap I have ever seen in my life.